Brandonpogrob, Author at Hard Drive

Staggering 80% of Bad Guys Wearing Suits in Action Film Know Kung Fu

Posted on November 4, 2024 by Casey Smith

BOSTON — In collaboration with Good Guys Who Know Kung Fu, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology combed through days of action films and discovered that a staggering 80% of bad guys wearing suits know kung fu.

“This study was stupid and important,” said MIT student Garvin Portnoy, who came to the “80% Bad Guy Kung Fu” realization when playing C-list action films as white noise while conducting disease research in his spare time. “Our studies have blown the world of bad guys wearing suits knowing kung fu in action films wide open. Yes, the parallels have always been there, we just needed the technology and the funds to recognize how dumb and frequent this pattern is.”

One hero claimed that he had known of this phenomenon for some time, and that the math wasn’t always so simple.

“I can usually spot the 80 percent of asses that will get kicked pretty quickly,” stated Trap Blazer, hero of many straight-to-streaming action epics. “As a good guy who knows kung fu, it’s safe to assume four sharply dressed thugs drinking generic beer at a pool table know kung fu, but the guy who clings to a wall the moment the first kick connects is the one who doesn’t know kung fu.”

Several bad guys noted how this study could factor into future staffing decisions.

“We have a reputation for being bad and knowing kung fu, but there’s a lot of simple math involved too,” says Crowbar, a one dimensional bad guy who knows kung fu. “Eight percent may sound like a lot, but it might not be as great as you think. For example, let’s say that you need 100 mooks. Well, you should know that only 80 of the thugs are going to know kung fu and 20 are ready to rat you out.”

At press time, Garvin published another study showing that the ability of wooden furniture to provide cover from gunfire depended heavily upon the importance of the character hiding behind it.

“Inside Out 3” Preemptively Casts Steve Buscemi as the “Horniness” Emotion

Posted on November 4, 2024 by Alex Vlahov

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Casting directors on Pixar’s ‘Inside Out 3’ have locked in Steve Buscemi as the embodiment of Horniness in the third installment.

“I’m thrilled to be involved with another Pixar project, especially after my fantastic experience on ‘Monsters, Inc.’,” claimed Buscemi while biting into a leaky tuna sandwich on a subway train. “I promise to bring a certain bleary, fumbling, sweaty stalker vibe to the role of Horniness. To get into the mood, I plan on recording only after digesting a homebrew of crushed Viagra, cayenne pepper, puree’d onion and garlic chives. To reconnect with kids today, I’ve downloaded TikTok. But I’ve found it more helpful to go back to the 16mm stag films and nudie mags of my youth, to really unlock the organic experience of puberty, all over again. I’ll be frank: that stepmother from ‘Cinderella’ really got my engine roaring when I was a teen. I just hope I can do the same for the youth of today.”

Executive producer Cassandra Carmichael championed the decision.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled with Steve onboard,” shared Carmichael beside Horniness character prototypes. “From conception to final edit, we deeply consider character design. Of course we’ll be incorporating those inimitable Buscemi eyes. Then, it’s all about where we take the character – is this a pimply teenager? Is this a creep in a trenchcoat? Maybe a combination of both, we’re in the storytelling exploration stage. Our animators are conducting research by visiting parking lots of high school proms, while cross-referencing the remaining adult theaters. New scenarios for Riley include a sudden attraction to a billboard ad, a post-football game makeout sesh under the bleachers, or accidentally discovering a hermit’s porn stash in the woods.”

Self-professed ‘Disney Adult’ and annual passholder Luke Migoolhy could barely contain his excitement.

“Can’t tell you what this news means to me,” said Migoolhy, waiting in line to meet Snow White for the second time that day in Disneyland. “Finally, a character that can reflect my own deep desires, especially concerning parasocial romantic emotions directed toward Disney characters. I’m so attracted to Steve Buscemi’s earlier Disney work, specifically his appearances in ‘G-Force’ and ‘Home on the Range’. Those are bad hotties, only to be outdone by Horniness in ‘Inside Out 3’. Can’t wait to meet that character, here at the park. I’ve been an annual passholder since 2006, so I’m entitled to do what I want here. They can ask me not to track character actor schedules, but I’ll still be here everyday!”

At press time, an additional casting announcement has been released regarding Paul Giammatti as Gloom in ‘Inside Out 3,’ set to be recorded standing in the puddle of an abandoned factory.

According to SEO Expert, Fortnite Skibidi Sigma Chappell Roan Fortnite

Posted on November 3, 2024 by Peter Cunis

SAN FRANCISCO — In his latest book, What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter, Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman demonstrates why he is the nation’s leading SEO expert.

“If you want to know how to drive people to your website,” writes “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman in the book’s opening chapter, How Do I Drive Clicks to My Website?, “Make sure to use words and phrases that a Google user would type into a search bar. You may be asking, ‘What does a Google user type into a search bar?’ The answer, as any Fortnite Chappell Roan can tell you, is simple: questions, trending topics, rizz, what is skibidi, and how do I sigma.”

Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman’s sigma book has been getting rave reviews from many leading publications. In the following paragraph, we will tell you the answer to the question, “Which publications have reviewed What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi Bellman?’”

“The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi’ Bellman has, for me, definitively answered the questions ‘Who is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘How old is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘Chappell Roan Gay?’” says Bob Thumble in his New York Times review, “What Is Fortnite Explains How To Play Fortnite And What Skibidi Means”. Meanwhile, renowned influencer Laney “Free V-Bucks” McClintock spoke highly of What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter on Instagram. “If anyone wants to know what SEO means or skibidi sigma,” says McClintock, “they should look no further than What Is Fortnite? or Bellman’s other books, like Is Fortnite Free?, Sabrina Carpenter Married?, and Harry Styles Feet.”

Some sigma Fortnite critics Chappell Roan, however, are not so enthused with What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman.

“I bought this book for my grandson, and it never told him how to play Fortnite,” wrote Agnes Dumyer in her Amazon.com review (click here to learn how to write an Amazon review), “Very disappointing.”

If you are wondering, “How do I buy What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter?” then continue reading. The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter can be bought on Amazon.com. What is Amazon.com? It’s a place where you can buy goods and services, such as Sigma, Sabrina Carpenter, Free V-Bucks, Rizz, and Half-Life 3: Announced.

Moo Moo Meadows Razed to Make New Wario Stadium

Posted on November 2, 2024 by Tom Scarcella

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Moo Moo Meadows, famed kart-racing destination and family-owned dairy farm, was razed to make room for a new Wario-themed stadium, according to the Mushroom Kingdom Development Authority.

”While it was a difficult choice to reduce this idyllic farmland to smoldering rubble, the state-of-the-art Warclays Stadium will turbo-boost our economy while keeping us competitive with the likes of Koopa Kingdom and China,” the authority’s Spokesman Toad said. “We’re striving to fairly compensate the owners of Moo Moo Meadows and humanely slaughter all the relocated Moo Moos and Monty Moles. YAHOO!”

The project has been speeding ahead despite widespread outrage over the loss of Mushroom Kingdom’s only sustainable dairy farm, as well as skepticism about the stadium’s necessity.

“We already have a perfectly good Wario Stadium, plus countless arenas for tennis and fighting and every other goddamn sport, but the royal coffers never open for things like better hospitals,” said a neighborhood Goomba. “Rainbow Road is filled with potholes, for Christ’s sake.”

“Who knows why they destroyed this beautiful farm when there are vast expanses of land with nothing but weird platforms and spiky balls and shit,” the Goomba added. “It must be Wario’s ego since he always lost races at the Moo Moo tracks. It’s a shame we blindly follow the whims of the super-rich, but coins really talk in this kingdom.”

Wario convinced Princess Peach to approve Warclays Stadium after agreeing to use his allegedly illicit fortunes to help with financing. He appeared unperturbed by the public outcry.

“WHAAAAT are all these a-greedy peasants a-griping about!? As the richest and most genius guy in the kingdom, Wario knows-a what’s best for everyone,” Wario noted before unhinging his jaw to devour a porterhouse steak sourced from the erstwhile Moo Moo Meadows. He also said the existing Wario Stadium will be converted to provide “sorely needed new housing,” although Spokesman Toad later clarified that Wario plans to turn it into a supersized palace for himself.

At press time, sources confirmed that Mario has ignored preservationists and demolished yet another centuries-old Koopa castle, this time for a new soccer stadium.

Game Night: Flunk Out Of Ghost College In ‘The Bridge Curse 2: The Extrication’

Posted on November 1, 2024 by Thomas Wilde

I’m old enough to remember when American localization teams would actively rewrite shows, films, and games from outside the country, due to some strange conviction that Americans couldn’t handle all that scary foreign culture. As a result, it’s still a pleasant surprise for me when I play a game that’s come through translation with its identity intact.

The Bridge Curse 2: The Extrication is a first-person horror game from the Taiwanese studio Softstar, and it clearly wasn’t designed for an audience outside the country. The further you get into it, the denser it gets, with a story that revolves around feng shui, sacred geometry, and Taoist symbolism. It’s not completely inaccessible, but it’s clearly a game made by and for people who grew up in Taipei, without any attempt to change things up for a foreign audience.

On the other hand, some things work regardless of language or cultural barriers, and BC2 hits a few good scares. No matter where you’re from, it’s creepy to get chased around a dance studio by a murder ballerina.

In 2016, a group of students shoot a short horror film on the grounds of Wen Hua University, and in the process, accidentally record some footage of what might be an actual ghost. As a result, the film quickly goes viral.

A local reporter, Sue Lian, connects the student film to another strange story from Wen Hua, about a freshman who got on an elevator in 2000 and never came out. When she goes to Wen Hua to investigate, Sue and 3 members of the university’s film club discover that the main building becomes a different place after midnight, where monsters stalk the hallways of a basement that shouldn’t exist, and you step into the central elevator at your own risk.

Off the top: BC2 doesn’t make the best first impression. It’s the sort of first-person game that comes off like it’d rather be a movie. You spend much of its first hour watching unskippable cutscenes instead of doing anything that could be considered gameplay.

BC2 also initially has an issue with a lack of focus. Over the course of BC2, you alternate between 4 playable characters, each of whom has to deal with a separate incident from Wen Hua’s secret history. At first, I figured the game was going to be a simple horror anthology about an evil building, as none of its stories seem to have much to do with one another.

I stuck it out, somewhat despite myself, and it slowly got more interesting. By the time you reach its halfway point, BC2 starts to tie its disparate plot threads together and becomes a surreal adventure game. You’ll hunt for clues, solve puzzles, collect items to use in the investigation, and every once in a while, run screaming from an unstoppable monster.

For several of the latter sequences, you’re equipped with a special lantern that can dispel evil spirits and reveal clues. Most crucially, you can use the lantern to slap the taste out of a ghost’s mouth.

If an enemy catches you during a chase scene, your character immediately whips around to smack them across the face with the lantern, which stuns them so you can escape. It doesn’t last long and the lantern has to recharge between uses, but there’s a weird sort of satisfaction to being able to show an evil ghost the back of my pimp hand.

The lantern doesn’t remove the challenge from any of BC2’s levels, but it does dial back some of my usual frustrations with one-hit-kill horror games. That makes it all the more irritating when BC2 hits you with a stealth or escape sequence and you don’t have the lantern, but it doesn’t happen that often.

There are a few other assorted pain points throughout BC2, like a couple of sequences that don’t explain their new central gimmick, but this was an easy enough recommendation once I’d reached the end.

To be fair, it’s a fairly serious flaw to have a weak opening in a game that’s only 6 to 8 hours long, and it’s got a couple of gratuitous gross-outs that I didn’t care for. Once The Bridge Curse 2 steps over the line to being a video game, as opposed to a weakly interactive horror movie, it’s not bad. It’s creepy and occasionally intense, with a slow-burn story that eventually turns into more than the sum of its seemingly disconnected parts.

It could stand to have less talking and to give you as the player more to do, but if your favorite kinds of horror games are the ones where you’re mostly helpless, Bridge Curse 2 should be on your radar.

Mandela Effect? I Remember Being Good at Mario Kart 64

Posted on November 1, 2024 by Sidney Conant

Have you ever felt like the universe decided to move some stuff around and didn’t want you to notice? Me and the boys were reminiscing about the good old days last week when my buddy pulled out an old Nintendo console and asked if anyone was up for a cruise down memory lane. Unbeknownst to them, Mario Kart 64 was my kingdom and I was its rightful ruler, so when the battle to hold onto the crown presented itself, I didn’t hesitate.

But imagine my horror when upon crossing the finish line in Luigi’s Raceway I discovered that I had placed fifth like some freakin’ jabroni. Is this one of those Mandela Effect things? Because I remember being good at this game.

It was only the second turn in Moo Moo Farms when I began to hyperventilate, far too panicked to try to recall how to reverse after getting stuck below that overpass. How long have those cows been here? And why can’t I seem to keep any of these items behind my kart? One of the guys tried getting in my head, saying I needed to “hold down Z” to hang onto them, but I knew better than to trust someone that willingly plays as Toad. Everyone knows Toad has no redeeming qualities in this game.

After getting absolutely smoked in Koopa Troopa Beach—because apparently there’s a shortcut through the other side of the waterfall?!—I couldn’t help but feel as though I was the only victim of a vast government conspiracy. Years ago, I had friends wanting to go home in tears because I jumped off the big ramp and got the item box with the lightning that turns everyone small forever, like, even during the other races. But now I’m supposed to believe that that item never existed and my friends left because I’d kick them whenever they got a blue shell? Please.

As the countdown started on Kalimari Desert, I could barely hold the controller anymore due to the sweat. But as I sat there wondering why Donkey Kong wasn’t wearing his signature bowtie and suspenders, the stars aligned and I shot past the competition, leaving the boys to eat my dust. Being at the front of the pack again was like rediscovering a younger, happier me, laughing in the early hours of those summer mornings, untethered by the weight of the mistakes and anxieties to come. But of course they all came back to me once some stupid train flew in from out of nowhere. I don’t know why the world decided to do this to me, but I promise I didn’t deserve it.

Wait, that was it? What happened to Yoshi Valley?

Subpar A24 Film To Be Released Straight to Criterion DVD

Posted on November 1, 2024 by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK CITY — In a move that has left both cinephiles and casual moviegoers scratching their heads, A24 has announced that their latest film, The Aristocrat’s Mustache, will bypass traditional theatrical release and head straight to a Criterion Collection Ultra-4K Special Edition release, after a poor performance in the festival circuit, sources within A24 report.

“The film is about a reclusive aristocrat with an obsession for 18th-century spoons who throws an invitation-only gala where all attendees are required to wear papier-mâché horse heads. A hyper-religious suburban husband, who moonlights as a hitman, teams up with a atheist-werewolf-wrestler to infiltrate the party,” wrote bewildered Vulture critic Adam White. “The eccentric guests navigate the aristocrat’s labyrinth made of human flesh, racing against alternate universe versions of themselves to recover stolen family heirlooms, resulting in a crescendo of synchronized dance fights, excessive neon pulse lighting, and a literal flood of (hopefully fake) bodily fluids.”

The film has been widely panned, only receiving a 12 minute standing ovation at Cannes, the film equivalent of a death sentence. A24, however, has tried to spin the universal distaste for the film as a positive.

“This is a groundbreaking moment in cinema,” proclaimed Janice Mims, A24’s VP of Curatorial Relevance in an attempt to spin the poor reception. “We believe The Aristocrat’s Mustache embodies the very essence of what Criterion represents: a film so bewildering and esoteric that it challenges the very boundaries of taste and comprehension. A film so groundbreaking that an arthouse screen wouldn’t be able to contain it.”

The Criterion Collection, once renowned for its tedious and meticulous selection of films that range from the quintessential to the obscure, has historically avoided including works that might be considered ‘subpar.’ However, they have been a little more lax in their acceptance of newer A24 film releases.

“We feel these films are what younger film fans are enjoying and we are always on the ball when it comes to what’s hot in film culture. We are thrilled to add this to our library,” Criterion Curator Lila Greene said from inside the famed Criterion Closet. “It’s a testament to our commitment to inclusivity, proving that even the most uninspired cinema can find its place among the greatest even if it didn’t receive any distribution in theaters or on streaming services and is sitting at a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. We are proud to include The Aristocrat’s Mustache among other straight-to-DVD classics like 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, both of which are coming to Criterion in the winter of 2024.”

As the film makes its way into Criterion’s archives, it is rumored that the disc will include an alternate cut of the film with three hours of previously unseen footage, including a scene the main actress tried to sue to keep out of the final cut.

PSA: Remember to Check Your Kids Candy for the Gom Jabbar This Halloween!

Posted on October 31, 2024 by Brendan Osorio

Hey everybody, we just want to take a quick minute for something serious today. Halloween is just around the corner and we just want to ask you to PLEASE check your kids candy bags this year for the Gom Jabbar. With the popularity of Dune being at an all time high this year it’s important that you stay vigilant and protect your kids from poison needles put there by a space witch.

Now the Gom Jabbar may be too small and hard to see so let’s go over a few preventative measures to keep your children safe. If you and your child arrive at a door and after happily shouting “Trick or Treat!” you see a frail old woman in a dramatic veil say “Who are you supposed to be? Perhaps the Kwisatz Haderach? I have a test to see if you may be the one…” LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! This woman is not about to give your child a full size Snickers bar. She is going to make them put their hand in a box of pain and hold a death needle at their neck!

These Bene Gesserits are tenacious and if you’re not careful your little ones could end up as a casualty in their eugenic schemes! They say that fear is the mind killer but nothing kills the fun spooky mood like a trick to the hospital because you weren’t paying attention to the things being put in your child’s candy bag.

Don’t worry too much though, the Gom Jabbar only brings instant death to animals so if your kids are truly human they should be okay. Stay tuned for our next special message cautioning against jury rigging your stillsuit to cycle beer instead of water and the dangers that come with it.

The Jason Voorhees Interview: Fame, Freelancing, and Friday the 13th

Posted on October 31, 2024 by Thomas Wilde

CRYSTAL LAKE — It turns out the old campsite in the woods, where all those people died, has decent Internet connectivity.

That was the first thing I asked infamous serial killer Jason Voorhees when he logged onto my Discord call, which is a little embarrassing. Voorhees refuses publicity, shuns the spotlight, and routinely sends both reporters and streamers home in multiple wet bags. Instead of addressing any of that, the first thing to fall out of my mouth is a question about his wi-fi connection. Ugh.

If Voorhees minded, though, he didn’t say so. Communicating through a text-to-speech program, he noted that a brief attempt to relaunch Crystal Lake as a kids’ coding camp had provided a much-needed overhaul to local infrastructure. He killed everyone involved, of course, but they’d done good work, and it’s “not that hard” to maintain the server without them.

It’s a humble admission by a guy who’s approaching 80, although he’s been an undead monster for almost half of that. On our call, Voorhees wears his trademark hockey mask – “never take it off,” his computer voice says – and a fuzzy blue cardigan.

It’s been over 20 years since his last high-profile massacre, and while he still kills the occasional hunter or urban explorer (“just to keep my hand in”), Voorhees is essentially retired. At a point where every other famous ‘80s monster is having a creative resurgence, rights issues and creative infighting have kept America’s favorite murderer on the sidelines. For a guy who’s famous for never talking, it turns out Jason’s got a lot to say about that.

This interview has been edited for clarity.

Hard Drive: Are you enjoying your retirement?

Jason Voorhees: Well, it’s not by choice. I’d still be out there if it wasn’t for these rights issues. Nobody can figure out who owns what, and in the meantime, I’m here cooling my heels.

HD: So it’s an issue for you.

JV: Look, I’m an old-fashioned guy. I grew up believing in hard work and family values. I want to get up in the morning, polish the mask, sharpen my knives, and put another dozen people in shallow graves. That’s just how I was raised.

But now I’ve got time on my hands. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t nice. Gives me time to tidy the place up, keep Mom’s shrine clean, build a couple of birdhouses. Even so, I wouldn’t have as high a body count as I do if I didn’t love the work.

HD: You do seem to be a quantity over quality guy.

JV: Quantity has a quality all its own.

HD: A Stalin quote from Jason Voorhees?

JV: I like history podcasts. A lot of people die in history. It’s relevant to my field.

HD: Everyone has layers, I suppose. Have you thought about any of these revival projects?

JV: [chuckles] You know, the Entity from Dead by Daylight calls every couple of weeks. “Everyone else is here,” he says, and they pretty much are: Freddy, Mikey, Chucky, Bubba, one of those Ghostface kids, and for some reason, Elliot.

HD: Elliot?

JV: Pinhead. He doesn’t care for that nickname, though. Call him Elliot. Not that it’ll matter if you meet him, but it’s the principle of the thing.

But yeah. The Entity wants to complete the set, I suppose. If I was a free agent, I’d consider it, but frankly I don’t like the fine print on the deal. When I kill someone, I prefer that they stay dead, instead of waking up at a campfire a few hours later to do it all over again.

HD: I see your point. So what do you do to keep the lights on?

JV: I don’t need much. I’m fueled by some unspecified dark power, you know. If I need cash for something, I can usually get a decent fee off these little fan productions. It’s frustrating, but I get by.

HD: Frustrating?

JV: Oh, I don’t tell them I’m the actual guy. I just look at them and never communicate, so they assume I’m method acting. Then I collect a hundred bucks and go on with my day. If I kill anybody, it’s a caterer or something. Nobody on the actual production.

HD: I’m surprised you’re willing to do that.

JV: I don’t kill everyone I meet. Sometimes it’d be counterproductive, or I just don’t have the time. Sure, I left fewer survivors when I was a kid, but maybe that’s part of getting older. You realize there’s value in restraint.

HD: I’m learning a lot today.

JV: Happy to help.

HD: What happens if they manage to sort this out? Are you actually interested in going back on the job, so to speak?

JV: Look, I kill. It’s what I do. If they manage to put this together in a way that respects me, my history, and my mom, then of course I’ll come back. As long as there are so many god damn people around, I will be here to snap them in half. I can promise you that.

Universal Classic Monsters Ranked by How Long They’d Last Against Luigi

Posted on October 31, 2024 by Matt Fresh

Gabaghoul, it’s Luigi! Of the two Mario Brothers, the taller, better looking and unfortunately endowed Luigi has always been better than the spotlight hogging cuck known as Mario. While Mario gets all the glory for his various adventures chasing down Bowser to rescue the princess completely oblivious to the fact that Bowser and Peach are clearly in a secret friends with benefits relationship, it’s Luigi who is doing actual hero work. He fights dimension hopping ghosts and he does it despite the fact that he’s afraid of ghosts because that’s what heroes do.

So good is Luigi at dealing with the supernatural, it’s not hard to figure that he’d be able to handle other monsters before they ever get a chance to mash. While there’s tons of spooks and specters to pit Luigi against, he’d make quick work of all but the most powerful so in the Halloween spirit let’s pit Luigi against the most powerful of them all. The Universal Classic Monsters. So powerful are these creatures that they managed to avoid having a terrible cinematic universe in a time where every IP is forced to have one. Luigi would still be able to defeat all of them but some would put up a longer fight than others.

7. The Invisible Man

The thing about the Invisible Man is that he’s just that, an Invisible Man. Sometimes he’s not even invisible, sometimes he’s just a man with a face wrap. Luigi is scared of a lot of things but a mere man is not one of them. If we were talking about Peach or Daisy or literally any female character then sure, they’d have a reason to be a little fearful of a man, especially one who is invisible but fortunately Luigi is also a man and ladies he’s one of the good ones so he’s gonna solve this problem without breaking a sweat. A little blast of the UV light on the Poltergust and the Invisible Man becomes man and then Luigi beats him to death because a man cannot be sucked into a vacuum. At least not all of him.

6. The Mummy

The Mummy, or Imhotep as his most ardent followers call him as he promises to make Egypt great again, would give Luigi some trouble on a count of his magical powers but not much. Luigi has fought mummies before, not just regular mummies but mummies that turn into ghosts afterwards. Also for most The Mummy, Imhotep is just a guy, and as we’ve established Luigi is not afraid of just some guy. Luigi is an Italian from Brooklyn, there is nothing any Mummy other than his own can do to hurt him. Even Imhotep’s magic powers wouldn’t impede the big L much because Luigi has fought dimensional threats the likes of which no one has seen since Goozer covered New York in Stay Puft splooge. Luigi takes the W and Brendan Fraser plays him in the superior remake.

5. The Wolf Man

The Wolf Man wouldn’t really put up much of a fight against Luigi, after all both Mario Brothers came up in the 80s so you know there’s at least 3 silver fillings in each of their mouths. But Wolfy would last longer than the previous two on account of Luigi feeling a little bad for him. All the Wolf Man wanted to do was score with a girl he liked but he was struck with nothing but bad luck. Luigi knows all about that, except for him instead of the bad luck being transforming into a werewolf it’s being constantly overshadowed by his less impressive brother which is honestly worse.

4. Creature from the Black Lagoon

The creature would put up a bigger fight than the previous monsters on account of being an inhuman monster but it still would lose very quickly. You see, Luigi is Italian and the creature is a big fish man. They’d be serving Creature from the Black Lagoon Linguine at the Mario family dinner table within an hour.

3. Dracula

Dracula would be able to put up a fight against Luigi only through his scheming in the shadows. He’ll plot against everyone’s favorite Italian plumber/ghost hunter from behind closed doors, hypnotizing his allies, bringing in previous enemies he’s fought and maybe even turning a third rate supporting character into a vampire. That’ll no doubt keep Luigi occupied for a bit but once the plumbing paisano rips and tears through whatever Dracula throws at him and it’s just them in a room mano a mano, Luigi would make quick work of the Count. You may be surprised to hear this but let me explain, you see this is specifically about the Universal Classic version of Dracula. If this was Christopher Lee Dracula or Nosferatu or even the super horny Gary Oldman version then there’s a case to be made that Dracula would be Luigi’s toughest challenge but we’re talking Bela Lugosi Dracula. Crucially Bela Lugosi’s Dracula, in canon was bested by Abbot and Costello and Luigi is essentially if Bud and Lou were merged into one sexy italian man.

2. Frankenstein’s Monster

Finally a real challenge for Luigi. Frankenstein’s monster, or Frankenstein as he’s known to morons is gonna put up a real fight. This undead creature is essentially a superhuman zombie, he survived being trapped in a burning windmill and he survived loneliness which is more than what most modern men can claim. Luigi will no doubt be scared of his imposing statue and the 6 pack abs that Boris Karloff was hiding under that costume but he’ll preserve because that’s what Luigi does. The monster would prove to be immune to most of Luigi’s gadgets, a flashlight isn’t gonna faze him, a UV light is just gonna reveal what we already know about dead bodies and there’s no way he’s gonna get sucked into a vacuum. Just when hope is lost and it appears as though Luigi is about to end up defeated by the supernatural like his loser brother, out will pop Gooigi to save the day. Finally the lonely monster of Dr. Frankenstein will have a companion of his own and unlike his supposed Bride, Gooigi won’t reject him because he’s got the good heart of Luigi and also has no eyes.

1. Bride of Frankenstein

You may be wondering, why is Bride of Frankenstein at number 1 if Frankenstein’s monster is at number 2? Don’t they have the same abilities, what makes her able to last longer against the Gabagool Guzzler himself I hear you say. And to that I say, excellent questions however the main thing you aren’t realizing is that the L in Luigi stands for Ladies Man and the Bride of Frankenstein is hot. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that she was the number one hottest undead woman all the way up until Tim Burton blessed us with the Corpse Bride. Luigi would be all over her and she would be all over him because he’s green like Frankenstein but unlike Frankenstein he’s good looking and oozing rizz. The Bride would last the longest against Luigi because he wouldn’t defeat her, he can fix her.