MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to the hazardous nature of their work, sources report.
“This is long overdue,” union rep Henry Hammer told reporters. “The danger associated with the constant throwing of these hammers, coupled with the physical strain it puts on our bodies, puts us at a significantly higher risk than any of Bowser’s other minions, not to mention the ever-present threat posed by Mario and Luigi. The latter is especially heightened when these two are controlled by a particularly savvy player who knows to stand right next to us in order to stay under the arc of our throws. Additional pay is the absolute least of what we deserve.”
Kendra Koopa, elected representative for the invaders of World 3-1, weighed in on the situation.
“I am ecstatic that an agreement was finally reached,” Koopa said. “We’d been at the negotiation table for years, as the Mushroom Kingdom just couldn’t acquiesce to all of the union’s demands. For instance, they’d been fighting for an extra week of paid time off each year, which just wasn’t feasible. The Hammer Brothers play an integral role in us maintaining our control over the Mushroom Kingdom, and I shudder to think of what would happen if Mario happens to run through here while we’re not properly staffed. Thankfully, Henry Hammer was able to understand this and focus on getting the hazard pay for his workers.”
Koopa King Bowser was delighted at the agreement.
“This is a proud day for all of us,” Bowser said. “With our Hammer Bros. finally being properly compensated for their troubles, we can more effectively focus on our mission to keep the Mushroom Kingdom under my rule and stop those vile plumbers as they attempt to take it back. Thanks to this agreement, we are now better poised to accomplish this mission than we have been at any point in the last four decades.”
At press time, the Piranha Plant Union was striking for safer work conditions after one of them drowned in a sewer pipe.
