CHICAGO — A local man is reportedly being stalked by a novelty toaster he merely looked at one time on Amazon, sources have confirmed.
“I was ecstatic when I first heard about the R2D2 toaster,” said local gamer Miles Nathan. “It’s exactly the type of thing you’d look up once and then move on. But little did I know it was about to become the focal point of my life for the next six months. No matter what I do, I can’t escape it. First, it showed up on the New York Times website. Then it was on my Facebook. Then, last week, it followed me onto the subway. I’m getting worried.”
The 36 year-old Humboldt Park resident now firmly believes he’s being stalked.
“It’s a toaster that looks likeR2D2’s head,” Nathan explained. “It burns a picture of R2D2 onto the toast. So naturally I looked at it. But the reviews were terrible. ‘Not a good toaster’, ‘very slow’, ‘electrocuted my son’ —it’s clearly not a good product, so I decided to move on… But Amazon won’t let me move on.”
Sources close to Mr Nathan say they’ve noticed an obvious decline since he first looked at the toaster on Amazon. He has difficulty falling asleep, he’s easily startled, and he’s begun neglecting his online correspondence.
“Miles used to love digital media,” said his longtime friend Rune Alsted. “But now? All he does is pace by the window, muttering about toasters.”
Amazon representatives insisted they weren’t crossing any ethical boundaries with their personalized advertising methods.
“We deal with each report on a case by case basis,” said a press release issued by the corporation. “Our advertising platform is best in class, providing millions of vendors with the opportunity to reach a much wider audience. While I cannot comment on any particular complaint, I will say that we are aware of Mister Nathan’s issues. And if there’s one thing I can assure you of, it’s that we value the safety of our customers above all else, and none of our toasters have ever been convicted of stalking. That’s just impossible.”
For now, Miles can only take their word for it. But that won’t calm his restless nights, walking by the window, fearing that any moment he might hear those iconic beeps and boops somewhere in the distance.
“I should be allowed to decide I don’t want to buy something,” Nathan concluded. “I know that’s right, but what’s one man against a goliath like Amazon? I’m scared. And the worst part is I don’t understand how it’s happening. It’s just a toaster. It doesn’t even have legs.”