OK, our editors are going to have to start doing more research on our interviews before they assign them to us. At the very least, they should issue us hazard gear if they’re going to make us wade through raw sewage to reach our subjects. That seems like the absolute least they should do, right?
Anyway, to be fair, we were pretty excited when we heard that we were going to sit down with the Ninja Turtles. Who wouldn’t be? We stayed up all night before the interview writing up questions. How does it feel being a sentient turtle? Does Splinter ever just relax and eat pizza with them? When’s the last time they hung out with April O’Neil? The fact that we had to meet them in their home didn’t strike us as odd. After all, it’s not like they can just move a manhole and strut around Williamsburg in the middle of the day. Walking through a mile or two of human shit to conduct the interview seemed like a small price to pay for the article of a lifetime.
Unfortunately, we started feeling really sick almost immediately after lowering ourselves into the city’s filth-ridden depths, and the pitch-blackness of the sewer made it really difficult to read our handwritten map. While this obstacle could have been avoided by bringing a flashlight or even just our phones, we wanted this to be an authentic early nineties-esque experience, and anyway, those sewers seemed much better lit in the cartoon. Nevertheless, we can chalk this up to an error on our part, but at any rate, the fact that we were hopelessly lost went completely unnoticed as we were doubled over with crippling fevers while concurrently puking and shitting all over the ground around us. Luckily, and believe us, this is small recompense for our suffering, we were in the right place to be engaging in this activity.
Thankfully, one of us stumbled into a ladder in a vomit-fueled fit of sobs, and we managed to emerge onto Bushwick Ave., much to the chagrin of dozens of horrified and disgusted onlookers. Apparently Hepatitis A can cause some severe jaundice that gave us a pretty shocking appearance. Anyway, we’re now being nursed back to health in Hard Drive’s offices, and some of us might actually make it. Given that our next assignment requires us to travel to Castle Grayskull, we’re kind of hoping we don’t.
