MORGANTOWN, W.Va — Tensions flared at the O’Mallaman’s monthly game night yesterday after Kyler O’Mallaman, 14, tried his hand at Dungeon Master. What was supposed to be another lovely evening with the family quickly turned hostile after the teenager made his 73-year-old grandfather roll for rizz.
Up until then, Kyler’s campaign had successfully led the party through the Forest of Bad Vibes and toward the Sus Tavern. Here, Arthur O’Mallaman, the rogue patriarch of both the family and the D&D group, attempted to charm his way past the Goblin Bouncer. What happened next sent a rift through the entire family.
“What the hell does his cap have to do with anything!” bellowed Arthur across the dining room table, after being told he’d need to roll ‘to check rizz.’ “I knew I should’ve DMed tonight, the boy can’t even talk right!”
After an abrupt end to the night’s campaign, lines were drawn, and sides were taken.
“I knew dad wouldn’t side with me” claims Kyler, “He always simps when Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop come to visit.”
Emma O’Mallaman, 22, watched the whole scene unfold. “Pop-Pop went woke on D&D saying kids these days would rather roll for pronouns and cancel a wizard for his resurfaced scrolls. I don’t even know why they keep trying to make this game night work.”
At press time, Bob and Lydia O’Mallaman have decided to sleep in separate bedrooms for a little while, and next month’s game night has reportedly been canceled.