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“When the Enemy Is Not at Peace With Their Thoughts, Death Will Come Easily,” Dead-Eyed Nephew Says of Fortnite Strategy

DALLAS – Epic Games has unveiled a new update to their flagship title ‘Fortnite.’ This highly requested change brings back the original map as well as weapons and mechanics that players fell in love with many years ago. One of the many players excited about this update is my 11-year-old nephew Jonathan, who has very strong opinions on these changes.

“From the enchanting forests of Wailing Woods to the rolling waves eroding the cliffs of Snobby Shores, there will be no place safe for the enemy to hide,” Jonathan said. “Although I was merely 6 during prime Fortnite, love knows no bounds through the tapestry of time. My heart still beats to a drum that is long past, for love is a timeless thread that sews a new soul.”

Jonathan is very excited about the new features Fortnite is bringing back, according to sources. Here is what he had to say when asked about the return of “Double Pumping,” a popular exploit where you can switch between two shotguns quickly for a faster rate of fire.

“A knife doesn’t need to be double-edged to win a battle. When the enemy is not at peace with their thoughts, death will come easily.”

At this point, Jonathan seemed to go on a bit of a tangent that reporters estimate can only be about the return of Risky Reels.

“The real risk is falling asleep, but not daring to dream so that when we wake, we don’t feel the disappointment of living a life that we could have lived,” Jonathan continued to talk about his favorite emotes. “I love dancing above the mass graves of our enemies with my comrades after a fierce battle. There is nothing better than the smell created when the steel of my blade meets the iron in their blood. A sense of victory fills the air as our feet stomp dirt into the corpses buried deep in the earth.”

At this point, Jonathan’s face began to show feelings of an emotion that I can only describe as lust. To quickly wrap up the discussion, this reporter had to ask what everyone is wondering: Where are we droppin’!?

“Retail Row.”