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7 Wrestlers Fortnite Should Also Add So I Can Beat John Cena’s Ass

I have been waiting years to say this and the time is finally now: John Cena is coming to Fortnite. Nintendo may have been too cowardly to put the 16-time champ in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, but Epic Games understands how much the world wants to see Mr. Hustle Loyalty Respect hit Naruto with an avalanche Attitude Adjustment from the top of Steamy Stacks.

Fortnite adding Cena to the mix opens the door for a crossover with limitless potential. Now that a WWE superstar is in the game, there’s so much opportunity to bring more wrestlers to the battle royale game — specifically, wrestlers who have absolutely wiped the floor with Cena during his illustrious career. To truly represent Cena in a video game, he needs a few key rivals who can keep him humble.

As you can probably guess, I already have some ideas. These wrestlers deserve a spot in the Fortnite Hall of Fame so I can better troll children who are just trying to play as their hero. 

#7 — Brock Lesnar

One of the best moments of my life was seeing Brock Lesnar absolutely squash John Cena at Summerslam 2014, right at the height of Super Cena’s reign. For 16 glorious minutes, we got to see John Cena ragdolled around the ring via german suplexes. Cena tried to make a comeback late in the match, but he got F5’d into the core of the Earth for his efforts. If Fortnite is serious about creating a partnership with the WWE going forwards, Epic needs to bring the Beast in. Include Paul Heyman as back bling and let me use his farm boy look as an alt skin.

#6 — CM Punk

Fortnite may be celebrating Summerslam with Cena, but it should have cashed in on the Summer of Punk. The current (non-interim) AEW champion has a long history with Cena, acting as his foil in WWE. While Cena was seen as a kiss-ass company man, CM Punk was the voice of the people. That should be reflected in Fortnite. Anytime someone using the John Cena skin wins a round of Fortnite, an opposing player using a CM Punk skin should get to drop a pipe bomb promo via voice chat, absolutely shitting on Epic Games and eventually defecting to Apex Legends. At the very least, give me a “Go to Sleep” emote.

#5 — Kevin Owens

Remember that one glorious moment in 2015 when then-NXT champion debuted on Raw to answer John Cena’s United States Championship open challenge, only to say “naw, I don’t actually want to fight you, I’m just here to brag” and then the mad fucker dropped Cena and stepped on his title? And then a few weeks later, that motherfucker powerbombed Machine Gun Kelly off the ramp? Come on! Give the man a gun! Let him shoot Jonesy! Fortnite needs more heels.

#4 — Miro/Rusev

One of Cena’s most notable 2010s rivalries came from his feud with Rusev (now Miro in AEW). At the time, Rusev was a big Russian bad guy (despite being Bulgarian) holding the United States Championship. That was the perfect setup for Mr. All America to xenophobically swoop in and snap the big guy’s undefeated streak. But Fortnite can let us correct that whack booking. Not only should Epic Games put Miro in Fortnite, they should let him drive his tank around the map – the same one he used in his Wrestlemania entrance when he fought Cena, and also had sex in.

#3 — Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle was John Cena’s first rival, so he’s a natural fit here. But I don’t just want Kurt Angle in the game as a one-off skin. He should be part of an entire season theme. I’m talking Fortnite Season 9: Ruthless Aggression. Turn Fortnite into an M rated game for like three-months as a gimmick. Get some blood in there. Have The Rock’s character drop incessant sex jokes. Just go full Duke Nukem to pay tribute to an era of WWE that we all remember way more fondly than it deserves.

#2 — Rikishi

There are a lot of historic Samoan wrestlers that you’re probably expecting to see on this list, like perhaps the current undisputed champion Roman Reigns. But no one from the Anoa’i family deserves to be in Fortnite more than Rikishi. The 425 pounder beat John Cena clean TWICE in 2002 by dropping his big fat ass on his face. I think that’s enough of an accomplishment to let the Hall of Famer Bonzai Drop into Fortnite. 

#1 — The Gobbeldy Gooker

Okay, The Goobeldy Gooker has never beaten John Cena, but I think the big turkey could beat his ass. Let me prove it.