HYRULE – Hylian swordsman Link has received his final warning for violating the grunting policy at the Kakariko Village Planet Fitness, irritated sources report.
“We’ve given this individual so many chances to amend his behavior,” employee Tika told reporters. “Just today, I saw him at the rock-climbing wall causing a ruckus that was just completely unnecessary. He would grunt over and over until he clearly had reached the end of his stamina wheel, at which point he would scream as he fell to the mat. Yesterday, he was yelling while practicing his sword thrust over and over, and almost seriously injured a Gerudo when he interrupted her mid-squat. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to take the gym so seriously, as it’s not like he’s scaling Death Mountain or battling Calamity Ganon. He just looked at me like ‘…’. Honestly, what’s up with that?”
Fellow patron Kitu was glad to hear that Link was on the verge of getting banned.
“Ugh, that guy is so obnoxious,” Kitu complained. “I understand that he’s rescued Hyrule on countless occasions, but that doesn’t give him the right to act like a total dick in a communal gym. This is the only Planet Fitness in Hyrule, and I come here from Zora’s Domain every day to get a workout in. I don’t need some warrior ruining my experience just because he’s full of himself. I mean, if he’s such a hot shot, why doesn’t he have Princess Zelda hook him up with his own private gym? I know that’s definitely within her power. There’s absolutely no need for him to be bothering the commoners like this.”
Link didn’t seem to understand what the issue was.
“Uh. Uh. Hupp,” Link observed. “Hunh. Hunh. Huuuuuuhhhhhhh, hrraaahhhhhhhh! Hupp. Hupp! Ooh! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Guh!”
At press time, Tika had been distracted from Link by a nearby Goron loudly dropping the boulders he was lifting to the floor.
