OK, I know the Kokiri worship this goddamn thing, but seriously, just look at it. It’s a monstrosity and an eyesore. I heard it even has a parasite inside of it, Queen Gohma or something like that. Apparently the tree has summoned some kid who doesn’t talk to come and fix it from the inside, but how about we save him the trouble? My buddy has a Sennebogen tree care handler for his contracting business, and we can knock this fucker down in no time. I’m a pretty accomplished woodworker. Doesn’t any one of these sound more appealing than some gigantic, diseased tree hovering over your enchanted little village?
Outdoor Patio Set
You have a beautiful little hut here. Wouldn’t it be perfectly complemented by a gorgeous three-piece set right outside the front entrance? You can sit out here and relax while also keeping an eye on your front entrance. You’ve been complaining that somebody’s been breaking in and smashing your pots, so relax and get some fresh air while making sure the riffraff stays out.
Wine Rack
I can make an absolutely stunning rack for you to hold all of those decadent Zora reds you can get north of here, and—oh, you don’t drink? Oh well, you can put water bottles or something in it. Or Lon Lon Ranch milk, I don’t care. Seriously, just let me cut that fucking tree down. Why are you giving me such a dirty look?
Decorative Sign
Wouldn’t a “Bless This Mess” sign add some charm to your little one-room home? Also, wouldn’t it be fitting if it was literally made out of the deity that you normally would call upon to bless something? The more I think of it, the more it seems meant to be. Come on, let me chop up your god and make cute little signs out of him. There’s no need for you to be so angry with me.
Desk
I can make you a desk where you can do your paperwork. Do you forest dwellers even have a written language? I don’t know and I don’t care. That infected tree outside your town is hideous. You can call all your fellow villagers over here if you want, but I’m going to find a way to destroy it.
Step Stool
You Kokiri sure are tiny, aren’t you? How about a step stool so you can reach your spices or whatever? Do you cook or do you just hop around and eat random herbs and potions? Why are you all brandishing weapons and walking me toward your village’s exit? Okay, fine, fine, I’ll leave, but if the Deku tree ends up dying from that parasite, I promise I’m going to sneak in here and step on any little replacement sapling that sprouts out of the ground. You can count on that.
