MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Scratching their heads in bewilderment, Google’s marketing team reportedly struggled to decide which advertisements to give boring, hobbyless husk of a man, Brad Hawthorne.
“Typically, we cater a user’s ads based on their preferences and interests, but Mr. Hawthorne seems to distinctly lack both of those,” explained Google marketing strategist Kate Quillen, furrowing her brow. “In fact, there’s no evidence that this sad little empty shell does anything at all. And we’ve tried our best, really. We even eavesdropped on his phone, but all we could hear was a fan blowing in the background, and him occasionally clearing his throat.”
Hawthorne was surprised to receive a special message from Google in place of an advertisement.
“Hm, what is this? ‘Sorry, but personalized ads require a personality’,” muttered Hawthorne, squinting at his screen. “I don’t have a personality? Nonsense! I have all kinds of interesting quirks and hobbies! For example, uh… there’s… uh, well… I have a novelty coffee mug on my desk! Is that something? Or what about yearning for a more fulfilling existence? I’m pretty sure I’m the world champion at that! See, Google, I’ve got plenty of things going for me!”
Google CEO Sundar Pichai expressed frustration as more hobbyless users continue to pop up.
“Every day, we come across more users who have no data whatsoever,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai. “Their only location history is them going back and forth from their home and work, and their only purchase history is a really loud box fan. We’re talking about individuals who have never even gone bowling or fly fishing. These people are truly impossible to advertise to, and are damaging our bottom line every single day. Our entire model relies on people liking things, so come on guys, go carve a pumpkin or something, I don’t fuckin’ know.”
As of press time, Hawthorne finally stepped out of his comfort zone by switching to Bing.