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“Shots Fired 293 North, He’s One-Shot, Hitting Me With DMR, Gonna Push,” Shouts 35-Year-Old Man Battling Child in Fortnite

SAN FRANCISCO — Local Fortnite player Lyle Lennon, 35, reportedly shouted several positional call-outs to squadmates during a game of Zero Build Squads today, not realizing he was battling a child, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Shots north, Vegeta on me. Pushing now, hit him for 100, hit him for 50, shields cracked—agh, I’m down! He’s one shot! He’s one shot! On me, on me, on me!” Lennon shouted over Discord chat to three of his college roommates from 2006, unknowingly sweating it out with a 6-year-old playing on his phone while his father drove him home from soccer practice. “Nice fucking kill, bro. Dumbass tried to kamehameha! People are so goddamn stupid. Res me, res me.”

A man plays Fortnite in darkness on a PC computer.
Lennons call-outs proved to be crucial in his squads battle against the child they were facing off against.

Asked about the battle, 6-year-old Samuel Hurley said he was just happy to get to play the game.

“I like Fortnite. It has all my friends,” Hurley explained. “When you shoot at the bad guys sometimes they disappear. But sometimes you disappear. I like the guns that are blue because blue is my favorite color. Sometimes it’s hard to see the game because my daddy drives so bumpy hehehe.”

“OK I think it’s time for somebody to get home and eat some dinner!” said Hurley’s father. 

According to Lennon’s squadmate Elaina Pemberton, the team is just casually dipping its toes back into Fortnite.

“We took a long break from Fortnite because the building got so ridiculous. So we played a ton of Apex and Warzone, but the no-building mode really changed the game for us, so we’re back in it,” said Pemberton. “It’s nice not having to grind out battles with a bunch of tryhards. We just look up the gun and item tier lists before we play each day to make sure we’re on top of the meta and watch a lot of streamers so we know all the best locations and tricks. From there, it’s a pretty casual game! We’ve been wracking up the dubs too — turns out we’re pretty good at this game. I don’t know if it’s the decades of playing shooters together or the fact that we’re all on high-end gaming PCs or what, but I’m guessing it’s just a skill thing.”

At press time, the squad reportedly found themselves caught in a major argument after placing second due to losing a fight with a squad full of high schoolers.