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“He is Rizzin’” Local Youth Pastor Desperately Tries to Connect to Kids

LOWER MERION, PA – In a last ditch effort to connect to the younger generation, local pastor Ben Tuck has overhauled his upcoming Easter Sunday service with vibes and aesthetics more suited for a Gen Z congregation.

“Kids today aren’t being touched by the Holy Spirit like they used to. I’m worried the word of God isn’t translating to the youth culture” said Pastor Tuck as he prepared Sunday’s flamin’ hot eucharist. “My sermon needs to slap this weekend if we want any chance of staying afloat financially–that’s why we’ll be streaming the entire service on Twitch doubling any gift subs we get.”

Self proclaimed teenage expert Lydia Powell has been hired by the local church as a Gen Z liaison, hoping to translate the ‘King James Bible into the King James Charles Bible.’

“The word of God hits different when you know the priest isn’t capping. Everything he says about the Rizzurection is straight facts. Pontius Pilate canceled Jesus leading to the ultimate L, but in three days he’ll finna be back like he never left!”

Some local young people are skeptical of the church’s code switching, while others seem to be refreshed by a potential gospel glow up.

“It’s giving ‘how do you do fellow kids’ boomer vibes.” says 9th grader Joshua Simons. “The Church has always given me the ick. And now the priest is being sus calling confessions, ‘vibe checks,’ and telling us that we need to simp for Jesus. If anything I feel like we should be stanning Jesus? I don’t know, the whole thing seems pretty mid.”

Regardless, Pastor Tuck feels like these changes are for the best, “Look, at the end of the day my job is to make sure these kids know our lord and savior JC understood the assignment and died for their sins, dead ass. Periodt. On God.”

At presstime, Pastor Tuck was still deciding whether to label the church’s donation basket, “Holy Fanum Tax” or “Secure The Bag For Jesus”

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