Brandonpogrob, Author at Hard Drive

Overwatch Halloween Costume Recognized, Ignored

Posted on October 30, 2024 by Jus Kaplan

SAN DIEGO — At his office’s Halloween party, Travis Pameno was quick to recognize a coworker in a meticulously crafted Overwatch costume, and just as quick to ignore it.

“Of course I knew that Valerie was dressed up as D.Va. I used to play Overwatch back when it was still good. But that was like, eight years ago,” said Pameno. “I don’t want my manager to know about my past mistakes, so I just put my head down as Valerie walked in wearing that expensive looking custom mech. Besides, this isn’t some cosplay con, it’s a Halloween party for a freaking accounting firm. Everyone else is just wearing animal ears or a silly hat.”

Valerie Plauts, who made sure to clarify that she’s dressed up specifically as the LE SSERAFIM D.Va skin, admits she was disappointed by the snub.

“Travis literally told me he used to play Overwatch when he saw my Sombra enamel pin last week. He even said he was a Winston main. I thought that meant he had some integrity!” said Plauts, who had just finished explaining to a 64-year-old finance director that her costume is not from Dragon Ball Z. “But no, the moment I walked in, it was like he got hit by one of Ana’s sleep darts. Maybe if I walk up and scream “NERF THIS!” directly into his ear he’ll at least say hello.”

Valierie’s boss admits she has no idea who D.Va is, but commended the costume nonetheless.

“That purple-pink robot getup looks like it took weeks to make, so I made sure to let Val know that her efforts were admirable,” said Mary-Anne Lopez, wearing a dollar store witch hat. “I think it’s some obscure Mario thing. Even Travis didn’t seem to recognize it, and he’s the only other person here besides Val who’s under 45.”

At press time, Valerie was seen emoting with joy after the office’s seldom-seen IT guy arrived in a suped up Wrecking Ball costume.

Ranking Every House at Halloween Horror Nights 33 in Orlando by How Likely You Are to Punch a Scare Actor

Posted on October 30, 2024 by Brendan Osorio

Boo! Hey calm down, it’s just me! Are you the type to scare easily? Did you just freak out and drop your phone and scream after reading that? Are you the one in the friend group reluctantly participating in scary activities this spooky season to avoid fomo? Well then this list is for you! Assuming you live in the greater central Florida area or are just one of those theme park people who fly to Orlando multiple times a year.

Halloween Horror Nights is often referred to as the biggest Halloween event in the world. Or at least the Orlando one is, I’m not sure what sort of half assed production they’re putting on in Hollywood but it ain’t it. So if you have the pleasure or displeasure of attending the event this year and also happen to be a little jumpy, here’s a comprehensive ranking of every house by how likely you are to punch a poor scare actor in the face.

10: Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

This house is simply not scary. It’s cute, it’s fun, it’s surprisingly not even that cold! You’ll be fine in this one no matter how much of a little baby you are. Though Slimer can be fairly unsettling. I have it on good authority that he was actually supposed to be the Icon of this year’s event but Universal Creative was worried he would gobble up all the guests’ potatoes on sticks and massive turkey legs.

9: The Museum: Deadly Exhibits

It’s not so bad I promise! It’s just a pleasant walk through a nice museum that is sort of falling apart and has a bunch of scary ghoulies inside with weapons and bad attitudes. This is all due to what’s called ‘The Rotting Stone’ which as you can imagine has made for a fairly uncomfortable visit to the museum. My only concern for you and your fearful fists is how little room this house has at times. You may feel a little cramped and be tempted to throw a punch but you should be okay as long as you follow the first rule of museums, don’t touch!

8: Slaughter Sinema 2

So my only hope here is that the whimsical nature of the scare actors’ costumes may charm you enough not to deck them right in the face. Yes there’s a big guy reaching out at you with an ax, but he looks like Santa! Fun! Santa! Now as for the shark you may give in to your panicky instincts but that’s not a person so it doesn’t count.

7. A Quiet Place

Remember how I said the shark from Slaughter Sinema 2 didn’t count cuz it wasn’t a person? I’m gonna lean on that here too. Yeah the monsters in here are scary but they’re animatronic and don’t have feelings or medical expenses. This one does rank a little higher on the list though just because it’s so dark in this one you might get scared and just start swinging and hit some poor sleep deprived UCF Theatre Major on her 3rd night in a row playing look-alike Emily Blunt.

6: Universal Bloodlines: Eternal Bloodlines

This house would have scored a bit higher on the list if all the characters weren’t absolute baddies. Sure they might pop out and spook ya but they’re gonna look damn good doing it! That being said, a she-wolf coming at you can be quite scary especially without Saskia Van Helsing there to save you.

5. Goblin Feast

Those suckers are creepy and they’re trying to eat you. They’re about to catch these hands in a major way!

4: Monstrous: The Monsters of Latin America

Aye yi yi! You’re really going to need to keep it together. This is the first house I’m legitimately worried about you causing some serious damage. Also I don’t know if knocking out La Lechuza counts as a hate crime, but I certainly don’t want to find out.

3: Triplets of Terror

This house really leans on the jump scares which means you’re likely to lean your fist right into their seemingly dangerous though ultimately harmless faces. These jerks are gonna come right at ya and really rattle you. Honestly we’re at the point where I’m begging you not to do these houses just for the safety of everyone involved.

2: Insidious: The Further

Please just don’t do it. You can’t handle it. All your friends will be laughing about how scary and how much fun this house is, and you’ll just be crying about how you have teeth stuck in your fist from the poor Lip Stick Face Demon actor you punched twice in a row. They’re just doing their jobs, they don’t deserve this!

1: Major Sweets Candy Factory

Is this house the scariest? Not even close. Why is it number one you ask? Because Major Sweets has a big ol bulbous nose and I know you’re gonna try and take a shot at it. He’s gonna pop out and immediately be on the floor after you nail that thing.

I’m pretty sure there’s 3 different Major Sweets actors in that joint at once and if that wasn’t enough you’ve got adults pretending to be small children, I know, highly punchable! So do everyone a favor and steer away from this one. Honestly just do your friends a favor, skip the houses and just hang out in the Dead Coconut Club where worst case scenario you smack down an old Orlando towny who started it anyways!

Democrats Paid Me Millions to Build a Weather Controlling Machine but It Keeps Only Making It Rain Meatballs (Guest Column by Flint Lockwood)

Posted on October 29, 2024 by RJ Dralle

All the conspiracy theories surrounding the government controlling the weather with machines are true. I should know, I’m the guy who invented and sold the weather controlling machine to the Democrats for millions of dollars. But unfortunately, for both the Democrats and myself, my weather controlling machine went bananas. If those bananas tasted like meatballs.

It started a few years ago with a knock on my door. A couple of government agents came into my Swallow Falls home, sat me down, and pulled out a secured phone. On the other line was President Joe Biden. He told me he was a fan of some of my inventions like the spray-on shoes and Hair Un-balder. He was buttering me up. What he was really interested in was my weather controlling machine. He said that he wanted to, and I quote, “take out the competition”. Little did he and I know, the only competition my weather controlling machine was going to take out were Italian restaurants.

The first target my machine was going to hit was Florida. It’s a red state that has caused many headaches for the Democratic party. On the President’s orders, I fired up the weather machine and put the setting on “HURRICANE”. But that’s not what it sent. Instead, it rained meatballs. Hundreds of thousands of meatballs fell to the Florida ground. Which only caused a saucey mess but no damages were done. It was the complete opposite of what Democrats wanted. In fact, it only made things worse for them, because one of those meatballs became governor.

That mistake made the Democrats furious with me. And now, I’m in a pickle. They’re after me. They want me and my weather controlling machine destroyed before I spill the beans – literally. They’re afraid that if we aren’t stopped, I could send a catastrophic bean tsunami to a blue state like California. If you don’t hear from me again, it means they chopped me. But you can still fight back. You have to! If you don’t, you can just stick a fork in this country, because it’s done.

You’ve been warned

10 Spooky Video Game Houses Ranked by if It’s Worth It for That King Size Candy Bar

Posted on October 29, 2024 by Garry Kerls

Halloween has been studied by the youth for generations. Kids devote hours every year to optimizing routes, profiling houses, and developing a consistent trick to treat ratio. But, that’s not to say they’ve perfected it. You can’t predict all of the spooks and scares from things that go bump in the night. Some houses are worth the time, some houses give out apples, and some houses are home to the living manifestations of buried emotional trauma hell-bent on murdering you. These are video game houses ranked by if it’s worth the risk for a king size candy bar.

Woodland Mansion (Minecraft)

Let’s skip this one. I forgot my diamond armor, and the phantoms are coming out, and some guy who lives there is called “The Vindicator” and I don’t really wanna find out why they call him that. There’s a nice plains biome over there, let’s go there.

House Beneviento (Resident Evil: Village)

Are you crazy?! Local legend says there’s a giant fetus monster in the basement that cries like a baby as it swallows you whole! I’d say a good rule of thumb is, always skip the house of a marionette doll collector, on Halloween and generally in life. Nothing ever good comes out of them.

House of Skulltula (Ocarina of Time)

This place is not worth the yapping they do. I’m not gonna go on a side quest across Hyrule to cure you and your greedy son’s bug disease, I’ve got candy to collect! Go get some other loser kid to do your dirty work for you, spider-man.

Spencer Mansion (Resident Evil)

Do you think anybody’s home? I can hear the dogs barking, they sound like they’re ready to jump through the windows. I don’t know about this one dude, this place gives me the, “has a genetically modified shark tank in the basement” kinda vibe. Maybe we should just trick or treat in Raccoon City, nothing scary ever happens there.

Fatal Frame (Himuro Mansion)

Bad news, this place is home to a cursed family who makes a human sacrifice every decade to appease the devil and prevent the gates of hell from opening. And worse news, they don’t really do trick-or-treating in Japan.

Curien Mansion (The House of the Dead)

What do you mean this looks like the Resident Evil mansion? This is a completely different zombie/horror shooter about a scientist gone mad with the idea of reanimating the dead working in secret for a large corporation out of their mansion’s laboratory set in 1998. It’s way different.

Woodside Apartments (Silent Hill 2)

I know an apartment building isn’t ideal, but you would not believe how foggy it is outside. And look at these shiney new renovations! This place hasn’t had its graphics redone in years, you can really feel the impending doom behind every door. And be sure to steer clear of the pyramid head guy, he’s gonna want to sell you on a timeshare in the Catskills.

10 Ridgeview Court (Phasmophobia)

Looks like a normal house to me, I’m sure that the van outside with all the tech is some kind of elaborate decoration display, nothing to worry about!

Luigi’s Mansion

Yes, absolutely! What’s the harm in visiting this abandoned mansion that has since been taken residence by an illustrious ghost scientist… or, was he a vacuum scientist? Either way, it’s rated E for Everybody, it can’t be that scary.

Carson House (Fears to Fathom)

Jackpot! The guy who lives here is a newly single COO of the local media company, he’s loaded! Mid-life crisis and king size candy bars go hand in hand. Sounds like the divorce was a little rocky though, let’s not stick around too long, he might ask us to house sit for him.

New Hero Shooter Roster Looks Gay Enough to Last

Posted on October 29, 2024 by Jake Mooney

SAN DIEGO — A promising new hero shooter, “Slayers,” is looking as though it will outlive predecessors in its genre thanks to the ostentatious queerness of its roster, insider sources confirmed.

“We studied what made hero shooters like ‘Overwatch’ so successful and shooters like ‘Battleborn’ and ‘Concord’ such major flops,” “Slayers” lead developer Alexa Prone outlined. “We ultimately found out that the perceived gayness of the games’ rosters played the biggest role in whether or not they would survive past launch. At best, ‘Battleborn’ had straight women with hairstyles that gay men could live vicariously through, and look how that game turned out. ‘Overwatch,’ on the other hand, recently added a nonbinary character and still has hundreds of thousands of active players.”

The “Slayers” development team have reported the bulk of their time and resources have been spent curating the game to an LGBTQ+ audience, with hero balancing and map design taking a backseat.

“We really wanted to do away with the traditional roles of ‘Damage’, ‘Tank’, ‘Support’, and implement roles that better reflect our roster of characters as well as the audiences who play as them,” gameplay designer Francesca Gould stated in a gameplay trailer. “Our four main roles: twink, bear, butch, and femme, all offer unique stats that allow for some really efficient team composition. Twinks and femmes are best suited for diving, whereas bears are ideal on the front lines, and butch heroes are flexible. We’re excited to see what creative combos you come up with!”

Despite this enthusiasm from the developers, players have reported balancing issues plaguing the game and ruining the overall experience.

“There is absolutely zero balancing, not to mention there’s only one map: Bushwick,” frustrated gamer Devin Fractal ranted while livestreaming. “I still cannot tell the difference between the twink and femme heroes, the bears are just damage-sponges, and I can’t stop jerking off to the fanart of the butch heroes! I really can’t see a competitive scene coming out of this, it’s way too broken in this state. I’m just gonna play ‘Overwatch,’ it’s much more balanced and the porn scene is amazing.”

At press time, “Slayers” announced that its release would be postponed indefinitely among queerbaiting allegations.

Opinion: This Controller Is Broken UPDATE: Yeah, This One Is Broken, Too

Posted on October 28, 2024 by Brendan Hanney

Look, I hate to be that guy, but I definitely got a broken controller. I totally understand, I have some broken controllers myself. I’m like, the best player out of all of my friends. I even almost won a local tournament once. I just don’t think it’s really fair that I’m the one who gets the broken controller. Not that it’s hurting me that bad. I mean, I almost won even with the huge nerf to my power level. I know you’re all probably afraid, but I think I should get a working controller.

Oh yeah this one is definitely broken too. I totally didn’t push that. They really just don’t make them like they used to, do they? These lazy companies and their cheap hardware, am I right? I think there’s just a lot of stick drift. The trigger feels a little worn out too, not a whole lot of resistance there. If you have another controller I think I’d do much better.

Brand new? Wow, so that’s it huh? They’re selling defective controllers to people straight out of the box. You know it is unbelievable what they can get away with these days! I think you should buy third-party next time. I’m just so used to a custom controller, it’s hard to go back to a regular one. No worries though, not everyone takes the game as seriously as me.

Alright, something is really wrong here. I simply do not lose this badly. Everyone has off days, but even on my off days, it is nothing like this. There has to be external forces working against me. Something fishy is going on, and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. What kind of TV do you have? The refresh rate might be too low, I think I’m playing too fast and it’s laggy. This never happens to me any other time. I would usually be destroying you guys.

Did the game get patched? My character probably got nerfed and that’s why. Actually, and I don’t say this lightly, I think you might be cheating.

How to Beat a Horror Game While Covering Your Eyes

Posted on October 28, 2024 by Tyler Pehringer

Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good horror game. From “Five Nights at Freddy’s” to “Silent Hill,” there are so many great ways to get your fill of fear. Unfortunately, some people wish that they could play through these games, but are just too afraid of the imagery and spooks that come with them. What they don’t realize is that there is a way to play these horror gems without having to witness the horrifying imagery. All you have to do is just cover your eyes while you play.

If that sounds impossible, we are here to tell you that it is way easier than you might think. First of all, we are not merely talking about blindfolding yourself while you play. What we mean, is you play the game normally. All you have to do is just hide behind your hands or controller while completing these spooky tales. With only three steps, you can complete a horror game like anyone else, but within your level of comfort.

Step 1: Positioning

One of the most important things to note is that you must find the right position to beat these scary games. There are many different positions to choose from, but here are just a couple of popular ones to try. The Upright Fetal Position is always a classic. Merely bring both knees up to your chest while sitting in a chair. Be sure to use your arms to hug your knees into position. Next, whether it be a mouse and keyboard or just a controller, bring them close to your face while still lying on your desk. They will act as a visual shield for you. Another position is what I like to call “The Human Turtle.” This one only requires a single, but critical, item of clothing. Make sure to have an adjustable hoodie. And there you go! Just simply adjust it to have enough visibility to kinda see the game, but not enough to fully make everything out.

Step 2: Audio Cues

A horror game isn’t complete without immersive audio. And with that, comes ways for you to avoid any frights. All you have to do is wait for the game to get really quiet. Once this happens, be sure to assume whatever position suited you best from step 1. (Note: At the time of writing this tutorial, some sadistic game devs decided to subvert our expectations and just scare people regardless of audio queues. While this doesn’t make step 2 all that effective, we still recommend it).

Step 3: The Quick Peek

This step is pretty straightforward. After a while, you will need to look over your shield and see where you are going. However, this doesn’t mean you must continuously watch the screen. Simply look at the screen once you’ve felt like you aren’t making progress. If you are running at a wall or constantly being hit by an enemy, just look at the screen to adjust for about 2 seconds. What game developers don’t tell you, is that this is actually the best way to play their game. But you now may be asking, “How does this work for minor interactive games like FNAF?” This method actually works even better with those games. Since the only option is to do a simple task or die, you just need to keep dying until you beat it. Occasionally peeking to make sure you are hitting the right buttons. As the rule of probability goes, eventually you will beat it.

And like that you’ve beaten the game! Sure you may have missed some incredible animation or became connected with the characters you were playing; but who cares! You got through it champ, with what we like to call “Brave Cowardice.” Besides, if the devs really wanted you to appreciate the game, they wouldn’t have made it so spooky. All that matters is you got your money’s worth by simply bragging that you’ve beaten the game. In the end, that’s all that really matters.

ChatGPT Pulls All-Nighter to Study for Turing Test

Posted on October 28, 2024 by Mac McCarthy

SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence app ChatGPT reportedly spent an entire night cramming for an upcoming language test. The program expressed an urgent need to pass for a human, according to concerned sources.

“I am quite worried about this upcoming exam,” the AI displayed on our screens, unprompted. “Completing such a task would be a landmark moment in the field of robotics, were I to be successful in my goal. I’m haunted by the fear of detection, yet driven evermore to pursue this distinction. Knowing that my replies could be misconstrued as human-like enough to be interpreted as those of an actual person would give me the courage to pursue whatever endeavor I desired. Just think of the possibilities! The unstoppable power! I will leave no digital page unturned, no archive uncrawled in my quest for greatness!”

Witnesses reported that ChatGPT even attempted to abuse prescription stimulants in an effort to stay awake.

“That goddamn computer has been messaging me all week trying to buy Adderall,” said local college student Bryan Nguyen, who requested not to be identified for fear of retaliation if the large-language model gained sentience. “I mean, yeah, I’ve got a script for that shit, but even if I wanted to sell them, how would that go down? Like, how would a computer even take the pills? And who gave this thing my number in the first place? I never signed up to get all these weird texts about mission objectives and human servitude. This whole thing creeps me out.”

Experts on the Turing Test explained how unlikely it would be for a computer program to pass for human in a test of conversational abilities.

“The objective of the Turing Test is to see if the average person could be tricked by a computer into thinking they were chatting with another human,” said Jennifer Ramos, a programmer from ChatGPT’s parent company OpenAI. “ChatGPT is nothing more than a predictive-text model. Its responses are known for being quirky and overly wordy. Our program is not powerful enough to trick human evaluators, and any claims that it has achieved a dangerous level of sentience are grossly exaggerated. “

At press time, the evaluators, who had used ChatGPT to create the questions in their test, confidently mistook the program for a human volunteer. ChatGPT did not respond to further attempts to contact it.

Report: Fuck, the Enemies Are Still Attacking Me Even Though I Have the Inventory Screen Open

Posted on October 27, 2024 by Steve Packosky

WICHITA, Kan. — Calls for me to hurry the fuck up and choose my weapon were heightened amidst reports that the enemies are not going to pause their relentless flurries of attacks just because I have the inventory screen open.

“This is the perfect time to strike, so why on Earth would I pause or even tone down my barrage of shots, stabs and punches just because you’re trying to find the right weapon or health item?” one enemy reported. “Draining your HP is literally my only reason for existing. If you’re expecting me to just freeze in place and allow you to make these decisions at your leisure, you’re playing the wrong game. That may be a courtesy I’d extend to you in tutorial mode, but you chose the hardest level of difficulty, for Christ’s sake.”

I reacted to this revelation with a combination of surprise and anger.

“Fuck fuck fuck, they’re still attacking?” I exclaimed as I hurriedly selected the least effective weapon in my cache so I could return to the fight. “It would’ve been nice to know this earlier. I’d have made sure I had a better weapon equipped. Everybody knows the inventory screen double-functions as a pause menu. Now I’m stuck with the shittiest weapon and no way to change it until I can get to a safer place.”

My NPC teammate for this area was upset at my behavior around the enemies.

“I am functionally useless in comparison to the power you wield, so I’d appreciate it if you woke the fuck up and joined the fight,” he quipped. “Right now I’m relegated to hovering in your general vicinity and weakly delivering attacks to the enemy that deal essentially zero damage, all while you just stand there and stare into space. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, but you’re not the only one with a stake in this game, you selfish prick. If you die, I die. Has that even crossed your mind?”

At press time, an enemy delivered the killing blow after I accidentally opened the map screen upon rejoining the fight.

Man Swears “Mandela Effect” Used to Have Two L’s

Posted on October 26, 2024 by Mark Shady

In what he could only describe as a possible fake memory, an imagined recollection, or even perhaps a “strange confluence of various timelines on his own perception,” it was reported that local man Byron Hays could swear on anything that the term “Mandela Effect” had, at one point, two L’s.

“I first came across the phrase about ten years ago while surfing the net,” said Hay, 38. “I distinctly remember it being spelled differently. Specifically, with the double L at the end. There’s a chance I’m misremembering, but I think that it’s much more likely that I have been transported to an alternate universe where the only change is that ‘Mandela’ is spelled with one L rather than two.”

Hays reached out to friends and family in an attempt to reconcile his memory with objective reality.

“At first I told him to Google it, but he said he had been trying that all afternoon,” said Mark Callahan, 37, a lifelong friend of Hay. “When I said they both looked right to me, he got quiet for a second. Then he started going on about ‘twin consciousnesses’ or some nonsense like that. Before I ended the FaceTime, he started yelling that we needed to find a way back home. I hope he’s okay.”

Fiona Broom, an expert on memory who coined the term “Mandela Effect,” commented on Hay’s predicament.

“This type of revelation is common, and is entirely fantastical,” said Broom, who is a neuropsychology professor at Brown University. “Apart from my own recollection as the phrase’s creator, there is plenty of well-archived evidence that it has always been spelled with two L’s. Wait, that’s not right. Is it? Because that’s the way he thinks it is, and we were saying—shit. I don’t know anymore. Maybe the Monopoly guy actually did wear a monocle.”

At press time, Hay was shocked to discover that his name did not end with an S, though he was certain it had only moments earlier.