Our 2021 Holiday Shopping Guide: Everything I Would Like Our Readers to Buy Me

Posted on November 30, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Hey Hard Drivers! It’s the most wonderful time of the year again: the holidays! With major game releases, new high tech products, and more sales than one person could hope to keep up with, it is time once again to publish our annual guide to all of this year’s white hot buys that I would really appreciate some of you straight up buying and sending to me!

PlayStation 5

I don’t have a PlayStation 5 yet! Last year’s Holiday Guide worked out pretty well for me and I got a Series X from a reader in Des Moines, but I have yet to play Returnal, Ratchet and Clank, or Demon’s Souls. Are you one of the people writing to us all the time complaining that we don’t write about these games enough? You have the power to fix it! I would pitch R&C stories if I could play it.

Oculus Quest

OK so the PSVR I had on last year’s list is a little clunky and sort of hurts my head after I use it for a while (but thank you just the same). This is why I have started to consult other holiday guides before writing mine, because I hate to disappoint you all by having you buy me stuff that I end up not liking that much. That’s not what this holiday is about.

Did you know Oprah has the Oculus Quest on her annual Oprah’s Favorite Things holiday buying guide? She says it would “be a great gift for anyone who enjoys new explorations.” Hey Oprah, sounds like you’re describing me!

Metroid Dread

Man, I really thought I’d get this game when it came out. I love Metroid, and I love playing my Switch on the couch while my wife and I watch TV at the end of the day. This was the most perfect news the day they announced this game. Then it happens every time; the game comes out, and I end up spending the same amount of money on 5 indie games that are on sale, of which I might play one or two. A big ol’ $60 game is more of a Christmas or birthday present type of thing, don’t you think? I don’t want to put Yoku’s Island Express or Wilmot’s Warehouse on this list when they go on sale for cheap several times a year. I’m too smart for that. That’s why Metroid Dread is one of this year’s TOP BUYS (for me.)

Pants

Pants are not video games or anything, but I need some new pants you guys. I busted all mine out.

That Switch Online N64 Controller

OK so I wrote 8 different articles blasting every aspect of the rollout, pricing, and performance of the expansion to the Nintendo Switch service. But also like, Ocarina of Time and Mario 64, you know? Who am I trying to kid? Even so, I wouldn’t want to spend my own money on this one, as it’s mostly nostalgia fueled and I’ll probably get sick of it right away.

Some of those cool LEGO sets you see

Like Seinfeld and Home Alone and whatnot. Those are so funny. Expensive as shit I bet!

Well there you hard it, Have Drive Heads! Our meticulously researched holiday buying guide of all the things I would like for the readers to buy me. I sincerely hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy putting them together and then playing with all of the games people mail me every year. Happy Holidays!

Note: This article doesn’t contain any affiliate links, but we do get all the shit that you mail to my house. Got something else you wanted to buy for Mark? Run it by him in the comments and he’ll let you know what he thinks!

Man Catching Up on Popular Show Can’t Wait to See Parts Where the Memes Come From

Posted on November 30, 2021 by Michael Pacholik

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local man Alton Redford expressed an excitement to catch up on Netflix series Squid Game so that he can finally see the parts where all of his favorite memes of the last two months originated from.

“I like to think of memes as sort of really quick, funny trailers for the shows I want to watch, and I don’t see anything wrong or dystopic about that at all,” said Redford. “Like before I finally got around to watching Tiger King, I kept seeing all of these Joe Exotic memes on Twitter and I knew I had to get to watching it. It’s almost like the rapid-fire exposure to memes brainwashed me to want to go watch the show or something!”

According to those familiar with the situation, Redford only began watching Squid Game after seeing a particularly viral trend based on the show’s first episode.

“I kept seeing these memes on Instagram that featured the red-light-green-light robot and I had no idea what the context was, but I was so intrigued, especially after seeing all of the crying-laughing emojis in the comments,” Redford explained. “It was well worth the effort to get to the end of the episode and to see the meme in its purest, most natural form. The experience of watching further enriched my appreciation of the meme, so it was really worth the effort overall.”

Close sources within Netflix confirmed that this is a part of the company’s overall marketing strategy.

“What’s more likely to get you to watch a show? Your friend telling you that you have this new thing because you would like it? Or seeing the same image all over social media for two months and going blind with rage that you don’t get what everybody’s laughing about? Obviously the latter,” said Netflix marketing strategist Aj Mullins. “Having good content is a thing of the past; that’s why 95% of our marketing budget is put into making sure that people feel like a dumb loser for not watching our shows. And the remaining 5%? That’s for sending Dave Chappelle around the country to get into arguments with random strangers.”

At press time, having binged all of Squid Game and deciding he did not enjoy it, Redford began crafting a meme using images from the show to express his opinion on it online.

Retired Bullet Bill Now Going by Bullet William

Posted on November 27, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — After decades of launching himself out of cannons and into walls, blocks, and plumbers, iconic grunt enemy and veteran Bullet Bill — now going by Bullet William — is living out his twilight years in comfort.

“Something about ‘Bullet Bill’ just feels so juvenile looking back, it sounds ridiculous saying it out loud,” said the anthropomorphic bullet with arms. “It’s like a comic book name. Imagine my embarrassment trying to order a coffee or filling out tax forms. It’s silly! William is much more dignified. I’d prefer to lose the whole ‘Bullet’ part as it’s a little on the nose, but it’s a family name. I like to honor my father, Bullet Stephen, who unfortunately passed away some years ago.”

Robert Omb (formerly known as Bob), a lifelong friend and brother in arms to William under the Koopa regime, shared the same sentiment.

“Chasing around Italians is a young man’s game,” the sentient wind-up IED said candidly. “We gave the best years of our life to a tyrant, and for what? So a giant turtle could chase skirt? Good men died! And those of us that came back are struggling to get by. William and I have it fine, but guys like Thwomp are still out there pounding the pavement, every day. Trying to break open blocks just for spare change. And we turn our heads, like he’s a stranger.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Robert and William get together weekly for coffee at a nearby Starbeans Cafe to reminisce and commiserate.

“You hear from Monty or Kamek anymore these days?” asked William.

“Christ, no. They’re too busy racing karts and going to parties,” coldly responded Robert. “Figures. Leave the old farts like us out to dry. We’re retired, what do they think we’re gonna do, blow up?”

Unfortunately, their most recent meeting was dramatically cut short after a customer with a red hat walked into the establishment and unintentionally triggered a PTSD response from both men, destroying the eatery as a result.

At press time, the two have reportedly respawned in their homes, completely unscathed. The rest of the patrons at the establishment, however, are currently out of lives.

Hogwarts Celebrates Record-Setting Year With Only Four Students Killed

Posted on November 27, 2021 by Jacques Mouledoux

HIGHLANDS, Scotland — In a response both joyful and triumphant, students and teachers from the famed wizarding school celebrated the record-setting fact that only four students were killed at Hogwarts this year.

“The news came at the last supper of the school year in the Great Hall,” reported Mickey Longbottom, a sixth-year student and younger cousin of Professor Neville Longbottom. “We were all ready to get our bags and leave for the summer, when Professor McGonagall stood up with that characteristic deadpan look of hers and said, ‘Oh, and one more thing. This year has been a record-breaking one indeed. Making for the lowest total in Hogwarts history… Only four students were killed on school grounds this year!’ The entire Great Hall erupted in cheers.”

According to third-year Slytherin student Sissy Deville, the celebration immediately kicked into high gear.

“There was suddenly butterbeer and self-propelling custard pie as far as the eye could see. Some kids in Ravenclaw started chanting, ‘Only four! Only four!’ and pretty soon, students from all the houses joined in. It’s not often the entire student body agrees on anything, but every one of us kids were delighted that so few of our friends were dead.”

And it wasn’t just the students. Professor Hagrid admitted he drank to excess when he found out that only four students, the youngest of which was twelve, had died during the school year.

“Forgive me for hitting the firewhiskey a little hard, but this was quite the reason to celebrate, it was! You see, we’d all been in quite a state since Polly Pruitt [the fourth student killed on school grounds that year], was eaten by that giant rat in the secret sewer beneath the school,” Hagrid reported. “With over two months of school left, I thought for sure that at least a couple more children would be killed this year.”

At press time, Hogwarts professors were putting their gold galleons into a betting pool to predict how many kids would be killed the following year, with the most common guess being seven.

Nintendo Quietly Shelves ‘Pokémon Blood Diamond’

Posted on November 27, 2021 by John Dixon

REDMOND, Wash. — Following lengthy internal discussions and massive volumes of fan feedback, Nintendo and Game Freak came to the decision to shelve the forthcoming Pokémon: Blood Diamond indefinitely.

“We thought we finally had a way to deliver a new, more mature Pokémon experience by setting it in a war-torn region of the world where blood is shed in the name of profit and a young trainer is caught in the middle,” said Game Freak narrative designer Bert Pancer. “However, when we ran that idea up the chain along with some concept art surrounding how Pokémon could be leveraged in subjugating a local population we got a sternly worded letter filled with terms like ‘gross misunderstanding of the IP’ and ‘mandatory counseling.’ Fuck me for trying to think outside the box I guess. Have fun with your Brilliant Diamond instead, you hacks.”

Fan reaction to leaked details around the canceled title was almost universally negative, with many longtime fans citing how no one asked for this direction for the series.

“It isn’t rocket surgery to figure out what we want as fans,” said self-professed Pokémaniac Jim Shiver. “From the beginning all we have wanted is a game with every single Pokémon from every single iteration in it, everything else be damned.”

He added, “That being said, I’m sure Game Freak would have wowed us all with the some fucked up Pokémon that were thinly veiled pastiches of Diamond barons or like Elon Musk’s dad.”

Nintendo PR executive Britt Malkin revealed the venerable company’s reasoning for vetoing the concept.

“Put quite simply, the idea was too dark for Pokémon,” Malkin said. “Events like murder, subjugation of indigenous peoples, and genocide might fly in our other IP like Zelda, Metroid, or Kirby but those concepts are too weighty for Pokémon which, at its core, has always been about gambling on government-sanctioned animal fights.”

At press time additional details had leaked that the companion title to Blood Diamond, titled Pokémon: Pearl Necklace, was also indefinitely shelved for undisclosed reasons.

“0 Days Since Horribly Damaging Report About Us,” Reads Sign at Activision Blizzard

Posted on November 27, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — A recently installed sign in the Activision Blizzard cafeteria will enable employees to keep track of how many days the company has gone without an absolutely horrific report about their company’s culture as well as CEO Bobby Kotick, several employees have confirmed.

“Good, let’s hold them accountable in some way at least,” said Sharon Goldberg, a level designer for Activision Blizzard. “The higher ups are clearly hoping this blows over, but we need to hold their feet to the fire. They haven’t responded to our walkouts and the board of directors is standing by Kotick. You simply cannot have multiple, repeated, just constant fucking reports coming out about what the bag of shit that runs this company has done, which includes looking the other way on a lot of little piles of shit being terrible as well. Wow, one day. Incredible work, guys.”

The installation of the adjustable sign comes after a break in what has been a steady stream of reports detailing Activision’s history of discrimination and harassment, much of which reportedly coming from Kotick himself.

“I hope they enjoy this while they can, because it’s certainly just a matter of time with these assholes,” said Ren Jennings, a journalist that’s covered Activision Blizzard extensively. “They just formed what they’re calling a ‘Workplace Responsibility Committee’ instead of just sacking Bobby Kotick after over a thousand employees signed a petition to remove him, so yeah, we’re not done hearing about how terrible they are. Probably just slowed up because of the holiday weekend, honestly. Awfully optimistic of whoever made that sign to give it room to get up to double digits, I must say.”

Despite the negative connotations that a sign of this nature brings along with it, beleaguered CEO Bobby Kotick seemed to think things were going fine.

“Wow look at that, one day, that’s fantastic,” said Kotick, surveying the recently installed sign. “I got here early this morning just to check Twitter and then flip the one over so everyone would see it when they got into work this morning. I feel really good this morning. In fact, I’m thinking this could be a whole new chapter for Activision. Say, you haven’t talked to anyone else about me, have you? HAVE YOU?!?”

As of press time, the people that installed the sign have sued Bobby Kotick for sexual harassment.

San Diego Comic-Con Announces $20 Fountain Soda You Can Buy Online in Lieu of Convention

Posted on November 27, 2021 by Jacob Colliver

SAN DIEGO — In a bid to retain engagement with their audience without an in-person event, San Diego Comic-Con has recently unveiled plans to sell a $20 fountain soda directly to the public online.

“In these unprecedented times, our lives have changed dramatically,” a SDCC press release explained. “Last year, millions were prevented from roaming the sacred halls of the San Diego Convention Center — a venue which, by the way, does not apparently honor a full refund upon the cancellation of an event. Nevertheless, for those who cannot join us this year, you can experience an authentically-priced, lukewarm convention center fountain soda delivered directly to your door. Together, let’s create a digital experience that’s just as lucrative as an in-person one this winter.”

Fountain drinks can be purchased from the SDCC Online Store, alongside a host of other “Classic Comic-Con Purchases.” Special promotional items include $10 cookies, $28 nachos with additional surcharge for cheese, and a limited quantity of $200 Post-It Note scribbles that kind of look like Rob Liefeld’s signature.

The store has so far garnered a mixed response from die-hard fans.

“Overpriced food is an iconic staple of Comic-Con,” regular attendee Phil Tuppence mused. “I like the idea, but will it do that feeling of ‘being there’ justice? If I’m not desperately fuelling my sleepless body with sugared water and burgers that risk complete molecular disintegration under the tepid glow of a café heat lamp, it’s just not the same.”

The SDCC press release also mentions several free online initiatives to complement the new paid features, such as a “Virtual Queue” browser extension which adds two-hour-long wait times for all streaming services.

“Upon installation, “Virtual Queue” will unlock features such as ads, a Spotify playlist of distant thumping dubstep and an unclosable chat window that simulates uncomfortably long conversations with a stranger about Attack On Titan,” the press release continues. “Hopefully, this should bring the thrill of Comic-Con straight to your doorstep.”

All $20 fountain sodas will be distributed within two weeks of ordering, via the tireless efforts of Comic-Con’s unpaid volunteer force.

343 Refuses to Reveal What Master Chief’s Suit Does With All the Cum

Posted on November 26, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDMOND, Wash. — Halo Infinite developers 343 Industries have refused to reveal what Master Chief’s armor does with all the semen it collects from jerking off the legendary space marine, despite pressure from fans.

“We can confirm that Master Chief’s suit jacks him off — that much is indeed canon — but we unfortunately are not ready, at this time, to reveal what the suit does with the cum,” explained 343 Industries founder Bonnie Ross. “We have a lot of exciting news to discuss about the upcoming Halo Infinite campaign and the events that we have coming — sorry, that’s not a pun — to Halo Infinite multiplayer, so we would love to be able to move on from the constant questions how the suit maintains the cum, what it does with the cum after receiving it from John 117, and what temperature the suit needs to maintain the cum at. In fact, I already feel like I’ve said too much; I don’t want to give the impression that the suit keeps the cum at all.”

Fans of longtime series have become more and more insistent, however, as developers dodge questions about what the Chief’s suit does with all the cum.

“First this nonsense with the battlepass progression in Halo Infinite and now all this secretive business with the cum! I’m really starting to lose faith in 343,” said Redditor u/sergeantbigjohnson. “Is the suit using the cum in order to clone Master Chief? Is it like in Dune where it filters the cum into drinkable water for Master Chief if he’s in a desert area? Or does the suit simply like cum? Also why can’t I choose to play either Slayer or objective modes in Halo Infinite multiplayer? These are all incredibly important questions that I expect 343 to answer, or else I’m switching over to Battlefield! Well I won’t actually do that, but I will complain a lot online.”

Despite online discourse, there are many fans who support 343’s decision to keep the cum information hidden.

“Maybe this is a generational thing? I simply don’t care to know what Master Chief’s suit does with the cum,” said Twitter user @thehardarbiter. When I was a kid, my friends and I would just sit around and play multiplayer games for like ten hours straight and we just cared that Master Chief’s suit jacked him off. We didn’t care about what it did with the cum at all. But I guess, with how games like Fortnite and Warzone work these days, kids feel like they need something more. Besides, it adds to the mystery of the Chief. I don’t like how people feel like games need to spell everything out for them; I like imagining for myself what the suit is doing with the cum.”

At press time, gamers were upset to discover that purchasing a $20 animated cosmetic that shows your Spartan getting jacked off by their suit in multiplayer can only be attached to an armor core that cannot be unlocked yet.

Geno’s Aunt at Thanksgiving Keeps Suggesting He Apply to Be in ‘Smash Bros’

Posted on November 25, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

STAR ROAD — Super Mario RPG character Geno, also known as ♡♪!?, had a reportedly frustrating conversation with his aunt Gina this Thanksgiving after she repeatedly suggested he “look into getting into that fighting game thing Smash Bros.”

“Why do we have to keep talking about this every time I come over,” Geno muttered. “Gina, I know you’re just trying to help, but enough is enough. You can’t just ask to be in Smash Bros. You think I didn’t have the idea to be in the most popular crossover fighting game ever? I fantasize about it every single day of my life. And besides, Sakurai said he wasn’t going to make any new characters after he put in that stupid keychain guy, so it’s useless to even get into it. I don’t know how he even made it in. I bet Master Hand’s his dad.”

According to those familiar with the situation, these types of conversations happen frequently for Geno, who fans hoped would be included in the most recent Fighters Pass for Super Smash Bros Ultimate.

“Aren’t you friends with that sweet plumber boy, what’s his name… Merrio? He was a nice boy,” said Geno’s grandmother ☺☆☏?!. “Why don’t you give him a call? I see him in all sorts of games. I think he even has a movie! Why don’t you just ask if you can be in his movie? It could be called Merrio and Geno. I don’t understand why you get so upset. It can’t hurt to ask! In my day, you could just walk into a fighting game with a suit and a resume and you could get a spot on the roster.”

After dinner, Geno ended up calling his former coworker Mallow for their yearly chat where both characters reminisced about the single game they were in.

Safdie Brothers Sit Down for Incredibly Stressful, Synth-Fueled Thanksgiving

Posted on November 24, 2021 by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — Josh and Benny Safdie, the auteur duo behind films Good Time and Uncut Gems, reportedly returned home this week to enjoy a Thanksgiving celebration with their family, forcing them to beg, borrow, and steal anything they could to survive the neon streets of New York City.

“I was in charge of picking up the turkey, which slowly led me down a path of rampant crime,” explained Josh Safdie. “As the electronic music blared in my ears, I knew I was on a race against the clock for my own life. I was going to do anything it took to get that turkey, and I didn’t care who got in my way. I ended up fighting a homeless man for a turkey in the Whole Foods parking lot, and I killed him in cold blood and then just walked away like it was nothing. Synths blared in my headphones as I walked home and I contemplated the journey I took to get there. In the grand scheme of things, it was a pretty uneventful event, but in the small moments… everything felt massive. Oh wait, I actually did kill that guy, though. That was pretty eventful.”

While Josh went on a long, arduous journey for the turkey, Benny was at home preparing the holiday meal.

“I was making the stuffing, but I accidentally took like four hits of acid before starting, and was extremely paranoid the entire time,” Benny Safdie said. “To add to the stakes, I bet these greasy local mobsters that I could cook the entire meal in under three hours. It was the kinda spectacle that you would tell your coworkers you enjoyed when you wanted to seem smart, but you know your parents would hate. People always tell me that getting together with their families for Thanksgiving is stressful, but somehow I have to imagine it’s not as stressful as mine. Usually my jaw hurts at the end of the night and it’s not from chewing, it’s from clenching.”

At press time, A24 had already secured the exclusive rights to a cell phone video the Safdie brothers’ cousin Trevor Safdie took of someone carving the turkey.