COLUMBIA, S.C. — In a recent online argument, local gamer Max Anderson was adamant that the PS5 was “far and away” superior to the Xbox Series X, despite never playing either console.
“This generation is another home run for Sony, and another massive L for you greedy hacks. Die angry about it,” Anderson tweeted at the official Xbox account. “I’ll be sticking with my PS5 when I can find one, thank you.”
When reached for comment, Anderson was eager to expand on the exact ways one console outshined the other.
“The graphics, the speed, the game selection, the interface — just the overall experience of playing the PS5, I reckon it’s great. Way better than I reckon the Xbox Series X would be, if I had one of those. The PS5 is also way cooler looking,” he explained, and pointed to an empty spot under his TV stand. “Just imagine it over there. Now, imagine the boring black Xbox over there. Huge difference, right?”
Anderson has made a habit of arguing under Xbox posts, as he feels the replies are full of “biased gamers with an agenda.”
“If you see someone saying the Xbox Series X is good, I’d encourage you to dig a little deeper into their background. Nine times out of ten, that person has an Xbox Series X themselves. How can you expect a Microsoft stooge like that to be objective?” said Anderson, who also replies to the PlayStation account daily, asking for any leads on finding a PS5. “It’s clear what team they’re on.”
At press time, Anderson was insisting the Forza series is overrated, and that Gran Turismo 7 will blow it out of the water probably.
TOKYO — Following years of speculation, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate finally allows fans to imagine who would win in a fight between famed video game characters Cloud from Final Fantasy VII and Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII.
“I am pleased beyond belief to hold the honor of hosting this long-awaited crossover,” said Smash Bros creator Masahiro Sakurai. “I may not be able to see the best years of my life, but at least you can figure out who would win between video game characters Cloud and Sephiroth. I can only hope that this makes you all happy. Because if not, well… then this is all for naught.”
Fans are ecstatic to live out what was once only a fantasy.
“Me and my pals would always wonder who’s stronger, Cloud or Sephiroth,” said avid game enthusiast Greg Zimmerman. “Though, this is only one of the many hypotheticals tossed around back in the day. We would get into arguments about Donkey Kong vs. King K. Rool, Samus vs. Ridley, and Mario vs. Bowser. I’m glad Smash Bros can answer this question since I was never able to get to the end of those games to see for myself.”
“It’s great being able to finally answer all these hypotheticals,” he added. “When I was a kid, the only one I ever really figured out, while trying to not be stuck with the Mad Catz GameCube controller, was the question of who’s stronger? Me or my older brother Daron. And it was always Daron. He was a lot stronger.”
According to a press release, Square Enix is also happy to allow this massive crossover in Nintendo’s flagship fighting game.
“We are happy to see the response the fans have had,” said Square Enix CEO Yosuke Matsuda. “If you guys liked Cloud fighting Sepiroth in Smash, just wait until you have to fight him every ten minutes in Final Fantasy VII Remake parts two through eight.”
At press time, whenever anyone asked Sakurai if there was going to be more DLC, he allowed them to finally learn how they would fare in a battle against his Master Hand and Crazy Hand.
CHICAGO — Netflix, in collaboration with Tomorrow Studios, released their live-action adaptation of beloved series Cowboy Bebop this week, sadly rendering the anime version as merely “the original one” in conversation.
“Yeah, it’s a classic for a reason,” said one viewer. “Cowboy Bebop stands the test of time with action sequences, memorable dialogue, and incredible soundtrack — the original one, I mean. Not the one on Netflix. Well, I guess they’re both on Netflix. You know what I mean. Right?”
Those who were unfamiliar with the series, experiencing the live-action remake for the first time, appeared to be similarly confused at the new need for distinction.
“My friends and I binged all 10 episodes of Cowboy Bebop on Netflix over the weekend,” another viewer said. “Wait, there’s an original one? What’s that like?”
Responding to the confusion and discourse surrounding the release of the “new version” of Cowboy Bebop, CEO and founder of Tomorrow Studios Marty Adelstein weighed in on the issue.
“We wanted to do right by fans of Cowboy Bebop,” Adelstein said. “It has a longstanding legacy among anime aficionados across the globe, and what better way to honor it than to create a ‘new one,’ so that when fans talk about the 1998 classic from now on, they can refer to it as the ‘original one’ under any sort of context or conversation.”
At press time, a Netflix search for the words “Cowboy” and “Bebop” yielded two similar results, with one being a shameless cash grab and hollow reinterpretation of what we can now needlessly refer to as “the original one.”
KEMAH, Texas — Local man John Hoffman has been hit with a class-action lawsuit after reportedly failing to install carbon monoxide meters in a range of Animal Crossing villagers’ holiday homes.
“It’s a video game. The characters can’t feel anything, and even if they could, they’re not real. Animal Crossing doesn’t even have carbon monoxide meters,” said Hoffman, who works as an interior designer for Paradise Planning, a resort offering bespoke accommodations. “My lawyer and I are considering this a prank of some sort, and have faith this will be dismissed in due time. Whoever is behind this, it isn’t funny.”
Mr. Resetti, the lawyer representing the class, agreed on that point; the various safety risks posed by Paradise Planning and the designer in question were no laughing matter.
“I have a fair bit of experience dealing with punks like the Defendant in this case due to spending some 15 years maintaining the integrity of space-time. These kids think they can play with real people’s lives, that it doesn’t matter, but they fail to see the clear consequences of their actions! Forget CO3; what if a fire breaks out, or an earthquake strikes? No precautions have been taken to account for very apparent risks and it boils my blood. Imagine how the people this reckless little cheat has put in harm’s way feel?”
One such person, Class Representative Eunice, gave her thoughts on the conditions at Paradise Planning at an appearance in a pre-trial hearing earlier this week.
“I was stunned. I’d told the designer in charge of my home—the Defendant—that I wanted a private reading room filled to the brim with books. I arrived at the resort to find a single bookshelf, a stack of manga and a week-old mojito left on the floor, surrounded by a bunch of creepy-looking dolls and a radio that played the same song on repeat. The wall was painted over with the same movie poster 50 times over and a rug that smelled of piss covered most of the floor. There was no bed, no bathroom and no food in sight.”
Eunice went on to confirm for those present that she was delighted with her home and that she’d been spending the vast majority of her time in the last few weeks reading there.
CHICAGO — Jackbox Games released an update to their suite of party games last night, adding a hard mode that bans the use of the word “cum.”
“Our gameplay data analytics suggest that over 13% of Quiplash answers involve the word ‘cum’ and that a further 60% contain a dirty word of some kind,” explained Gerald Flitzmann, CTO at the company. “This new mode, available in all 8 Packs, will ban phrases such as ‘cum,’ ‘dick,’ ‘piss,’ ‘shit’ ‘wank,’ and ‘nutsack,’ among others. We hope this update will be highly received by our fans, and that it will enhance the already exciting Jackbox experience.”
A group of friends, avid Jackbox fans, were mixed on the new feature after testing it at their weekly game night.
“I don’t know about you guys, but these games are fun to me precisely because I get to impress everyone by saying ‘cum’ over and over,” one of the friends said of the new mode. “Those three sweet letters will have a room in uproar, without fail. It makes me feel like I’m actually funny, and with them gone, the game kind of falls apart.”
The industry’s reaction to the new mode was similarly divisive. One analyst, Jane Tate, felt critical of the Jackbox Team’s decision-making in the conception and execution of the mode.
“Y’know, some thought this update would inspire creativity in players, adding challenge, excitement and engagement to the Jackbox experience. Yet it seems that I and other critics have been proven right in believing that people play these games in order to be as edgy as possible in a toilet-humour race to the bottom. Who’da thunk?”
Post-release data indicates that ‘smegma’ — which had been missed by the hard mode’s censors — now constitutes 90% of responses since the update.
Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl — modern remakes of the Nintendo DS games Pokémon Diamond and Pearl — have finally released on the Nintendo Switch and they’re more Pokémon games. I’m sorry, did you think they were going to be something other than Pokémon games? They’re Pokémon games.
In Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl, you start off in the Sinnoh region, where you, as a young child, speak to a Pokémon professor about getting one of three starter Pokémon — fire, water, or grass types. From there, you catch a bug or a rodent or a bird, and you go on solving little challenges, leveling up your Pokémon, and defeating gym leaders. You know this. You’re 100% familiar with this concept. It has not changed, even slightly, since the first Pokémon games in the mid 1990s. And yet here you are reading this review as if it’s going to give you some sort of new information. It’s Pokémon.
Because if Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl feel familiar, that is of course because they are remakes. And not just of the Nintendo DS games I mentioned in the first paragraph; they’re also remakes of Pokémon Red and Blue, like all Pokémon games are. You know if you’re going to buy this game based on whether or not you have bought all the other games. If you look back at those games, this is another one of those.
Your opinion on Pokémon absolutely cannot be moved by the opinion of one random reviewer on one random website about one random Pokémon game. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that the game requires you to solve puzzles, like figuring out that you need to teach a Pokémon Rock Smash to break rocks that are in your way. It’s like writing an article about Rainn Wilson being spotted walking his dog and spending a paragraph telling readers what the premise of The Office is. You know already; you’re more than familiar.
Honestly, at this point, any review of this game will consist of the confirmation of some incredibly minor detail. Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl does not let you turn off EXP share for your party. And that’s it, that’s the whole review for this game. That’s the change this time around, and it’s not one that’s exclusive even to this Pokémon game.
You can tell an African elephant from an Indian elephant because, miraculously, African elephants’ ears are shaped like Africa and Indian elephants’ ears are shaped like India.
That’s an Indian elephant on the left and an African elephant on the right. Pretty crazy, huh? Put that in a damn Pokémon game, you cowards.
That has nothing to do with Pokémon, but I figured if you’re somehow still reading this far into the article, I have to give you fucking some sort of new information. That’s just a random fact I learned from listening to a podcast. I just felt bad that I’m 400 words into a review of a Pokémon game that hasn’t been released yet and I’ve left you with absolutely nothing.
And the weirdest part? People are going to be mad about this game. People’s whole weeks will inevitably be ruined because of some detail of this new Pokémon game — despite it being virtually the same as every Pokémon game before it. And are they wrong? I don’t know! At this point, getting mad about a Pokémon game is just a new part of the formula of the Pokémon experience, and at least it’s fucking slightly new. At least it’s one thing that wasn’t around for the first generation or two.
So that’s Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl. We give it ? stars out of 10. Because you already know how you feel about it. It’s a Pokémon game. Not really sure what you were expecting here, to be honest.
BURBANK, Calif. — Disney hasannounced the next in a long series of sequels, reboots, and expansions today, with John C. Reilly set to star in the upcoming series, The Guy That Shoots Bambi’s Mom, which will premiere on Disney+ sometime next fall.
“I’m really excited about this opportunity to be a part of such a beloved franchise,” said Academy Award winner Reilly, following the announcement. “I can’t help but think that fleshing out the most traumatizing moment of entertainment from a lot of people’s lives is nothing but a cynical cash grab, but then again, they’re making this thing with or without me, so pew pew!”
Fans shared Reilly’s concern over focusing on such a depressing moment of animation history.
“That scene in Bambi fucks you all up, but there’s a point to it, at least,” said Clare Higgins, a Disney fan who wasn’t sure the show would be appropriate for her children. “It’s in there with the highs and lows of life, the ups and downs. It really makes for a beautiful yet necessarily tragic reflection on the impact we have on the world around us. Having some guy do Elmer Fudd quips at the camera for eight episodes before we see him feeding Bambi’s mom to his poor family just seems like a callous way to exploit our fondness for a movie we watched as kids. It’s completely soulless, and I probably won’t even watch it unless I hear it’s really good.”
Executives at Disney stated that The Guy That Shoot’s Bambi’s Mom will hopefully set up a future spinoff series planned for the character of The Guy That Shoots Bambi’s Mom’s Daughter, played by Samara Weaving.
“We think once people get over the whole shooting Bambi’s mom stuff, they’re really going to fall in love with whatever we end up naming this family,” said Disney executive Timothy Platt. “There’s no way around it, the season finale where, uh, you know, it happens, it’s not easy. It’s a hard watch. We’re gonna traumatize a whole new crop of kids with this one, cementing ourselves into their brains for life. It’s tough, but it’s important to teach these kids about brand awareness at a young age.”
At press time, Disney also announced a prequel to 1940 film Pinocchio starring Bob Odenkirk as Geppetto — just a guy who makes normal puppets for a while and that’s really it.
SEATTLE — Microsoft executive Phil Spencer commuted home last night to the gigantic Xbox Series X where he resides with his wife and children.
“Every day, I’m grateful that we put this door here,” said Spencer, entering his home through the well-placed vertical disk drive. “I’ve heard some people still use theirs for game disks, too, but I find that hard to believe. Haven’t these people heard of Game Pass? You can download the games straight to your console, and they’re all included, so it’s an incredible value—”
Further talk about video games was abruptly put on hold, as the Spencer family had a rule never to discuss work inside the house.
“I try to forget about the industry completely when I’m home, so I can focus on what’s between these walls,” Spencer said, taking a seat on a couch-sized Xbox Series S. “The walls are made of a proprietary plastic that’s durable yet lightweight, and has a nice matte texture that softens the look without picking up fingerprints. Don’t tell my wife we’re talking about this, by the way—she much prefers the tasteful green accents on the air vents to the understated black bottom and sides. Luckily, this home has both! Man, it’s just good to be out of the office.”
While giving a tour, Spencer answered some common questions about living inside a massive current-gen video game console.
“A lot of people have asked me, ‘Phil, isn’t this overkill?’ But what they don’t understand is that this house is advanced enough to handle ten years of maxed-out AAA living without becoming obsolete,” he explained, showing off several contraptions that weren’t in use. “We are reimagining what it means to be inside. It’s really exciting.”
Spencer’s home will still need a costly expansion, however, as the family ran out of dedicated storage space within a month of moving in.
LOS ANGELES — Universal announced today that Christopher Nolan’s next film will require viewers to run between three different theaters at once to fully experience the film, sources have confirmed.
“I’ve been wanting to do a project like this for years,” said the director and cinephile, who famously refuses to shoot on digital and was vocally upset about WarnerMedia’s decision to premiere films online during the worst waves of the pandemic. “And I thought what better way to celebrate our long overdue return to the cinema by tasking moviegoers to run around in the multiplex trying to piece together whatever the hell my latest confusing movie is truly about. If you thought piecing my old movies together was tough, wait until you have to start navigating the multiplex and figuring out what a good time would be to switch screens.”
Though information about the project is scarce, a participant in a recent test screening spoke to the media anonymously.
“It was so crazy, they didn’t tell us what we were going to see, so when Christopher Nolan’s name came up on the screen our whole theater cheered,” said the anonymous viewer. “But then the directions appeared on the screen, telling us that there are three different parts to the film that were all showing at the same time on different screens. Around this time, some people from the other two theaters started poking their heads in and asking what was going on in our screen, so that’s when I hit the hallway and decided to check the rest of the movie out.”
“The guy loves the concept of time!” the viewer added. “That’s for fucking sure, at least.”
The anonymous cinema goer eventually came to appreciate Nolan’s latest, despite not fully understanding it.
“I got the gist of it, that’s for sure,” he said, struggling to catch his breath after the 154-minute film had resumed. “Tom Hardy’s great, Michael Caine is great as the dad. The action was spectacular. I think I was in the wrong theater for most of the Cillian Murphy Marion Cotillard love story, but that’s really on me. All in all, super fun, and I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Nolan’s done it again.”
As of press time, Warner Bros. and Nolan confirmed that you’d have to buy three tickets for each showing of the upcoming film.
DETROIT — A man who recently awoke from a coma he’s been in since 1996 was reportedly overjoyed that his favorite show, The Simpsons, still airs every Sunday on Fox.
“Oh my god, this is too good to be true,” said Jerry Elwood, who suffered severe head trauma in a car accident 25 years ago and has been in a coma until his surprise awakening yesterday. “As you can imagine, it’s been a wild couple of days adjusting to the world around me and all of the innovations that have been made this century. But at least there are some familiar comforts, like the great American satire still going strong, surely carrying on its proud tradition of scathing humor and unparalleled consistency. Can’t wait to get home and start catching up!”
“Imagine one day you’re watching your favorite TV showat your friend’s place, you get in your car to drive home, and then you wake up in a hospital and there’s hundreds of new episodes,” added Elwood. “Pretty cool, huh?”
Family members were unsure how best to address the later season output of The Simpsons to Jerry as he became familiar with the modern world.
“I really feel like we should warn him, but I don’t want to overwhelm him,” said Cynthia Elwood, Jerry’s mother. “Put yourself in his shoes, will you? You’ve just woken from a 25-year coma, you’re learning about smartphones and COVID and everything in between, the last thing we need to tell him right now is that the greatest show of all time now merely exists as a shell of its former self, an undying reminder that literally every good thing in the world eventually turns to shit. It might be too much to handle.”
Elwood’s doctors warned that patients waking up from extended comas often find adjusting to the modern world the hardest part of their recovery.
“Oh yeah, with physical therapy and proper treatment, the physical stuff can be taken care of no problem,” said Dr. Roxanne Chandler, who oversaw Elwood for several years. “What will take longer to grasp is that we’re still getting weekly installments of these beloved characters portrayed by that incredible voice cast, but we all just sort of shrug about it, because it’s all just fine at best. That’s the part that’s going to take a while for Jerry.”
As of press time, Elwood was super pumped to find out he had eight Star Wars movies to catch up on.
Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News
Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox
