‘Nintendo!’ Announces Mario

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

EARTH — His proclamation echoing simultaneously from millions of booting-up Nintendo consoles around the world, the iconic video game star Mario proudly announced “Nintendo!” earlier today, sources have confirmed.

“Nintendo!” said the mustachioed plumber in a hearty, full-throated call befitting the legacy of the centuries-old publishing house as the company’s logo flashed across millions of TV and handheld console displays worldwide in various palettes of red, black, and white. “Woohoo!”

Sources say news of Mario’s announcement was received enthusiastically by fans.

“Oh, hell yeah, that’s the good shit,” said Sam Fuentes of Sioux Falls, South Dakota, reacting to Mario’s announcement of Nintendo’s name while waiting for his Switch game to begin loading. “When Mario shows up to say ‘Nintendo’ along with the logo, you know you’re in for a good time. They don’t just call him up for any old 6/10 game.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the continuous stream of Mario shouting “Nintendo!” from games continuously booting up around the world would likely continue on for the remainder of recorded time.

YouTuber Trying to Predict Next Nintendo Direct Accidentally Figured Out Who Really Killed JFK

Posted on by Kevin Podas

ORLANDO, Fla. — YouTuber TheGravyGamer set out to predict what Nintendo might reveal in its next Direct, only to find out who really assassinated former United States president John F Kennedy.

“I expected to find out maybe they’d announce Super Mario Odyssey 2 or even some DLC, so I talked to some trusted sources and did a little digging on my own, and holy shit there is so much we don’t know,” explained TheGravyGamer. “It turns out Lee Harvey Oswald never even fired the rifle that killed JFK. And if you think that’s wild, just hold the fuck up because it goes a whole lot deeper than that. Oh, and I guess Metroid Prime 4 is like, halfway through development, too.”

TheGravyGamer is currently listed at just over 600,000 subscribers on YouTube. While some fans are along for the ride no matter what, others appeared confused at the dramatic shift in tone and content.

“So… is E3 happening or not?” began one comment by SplatoonFan05. “I heard Nintendo was going to bring GameCube games to the Switch any day now, but I guess it’s cool to know that Jack Ruby, known associate of the Kennedy family and murderer of Lee Harvey Oswald, was also a paid government actor and a mafia hitman at the same time. I just kinda wanna know if we’re getting a Breath of the Wild 2 trailer or not.”

In his latest video, which currently sits at over 2 million views titled “What They Don’t Want You To Know,” TheGravyGamer appeared somewhat shaken and disturbed compared to his usual lighthearted and jovial disposition.

“Yeah, Switch Pro, coming out first quarter 2023, 4K resolution, open-world Banjo-Kazooie, whatever. But listen,” TheGravyGamer continued on. “It only begins with the CIA. Bay of Pigs, Operation Mongoose, the first Nuclear Weapons Treaty—ring any bells?! JFK was no spring chicken, that much is for god damn sure, but next Tuesday I am going to shock the world and reveal who really killed Kennedy, provided Nintendo doesn’t announce a new Pikmin or Paper Mario reboot by then.”

At press time, TheGravyGamer had reportedly received a cease and desist letter from Nintendo, simply stating “tread lightly.”

GameStop Checkout Asks If You’d Like to Donate Power-Up Rewards Points to a Gamer in Need

Posted on by Jakob Biddle

ALBANY, N.Y. — A GameStop clerk has awkwardly asked if you’d like to donate your Power-Up Rewards balance to a destitute gamer in need, other customers have confirmed. 

“So after today’s purchase, you have a balance of 12,800 points,” said the clerk, as the transaction entered its eighth minute. “You could use those to save 15 percent on your next pre-owned purchase, or if you want to donate the points to a gamer in need who could really use some great deals on games, accessories, or Funko Pops at a time like this, we have that option available as well.” 

“We also don’t mind at all if you want to round the total of your purchase up so we can donate it to charity on our behalf,” he added. “We really don’t mind at all.” 

The solicitation drew mixed responses from fellow customers in the store. 

“How has this place been worse every time I’ve come in here for over a decade,” asked Mandy Burton, the woman standing directly behind you in line. “Although to be fair, I never really understand the point thing when they explain it to me, they just insist it’s a good deal and keep on talking and talking and talking. Let some poor fuckin’ kid try to figure this shit out man, fine by me.” 

Spokespeople for GameStop defended their practice of asking customers to donate their unwanted Power-Up Rewards Points to gamers in need. 

“Listen,” said GameStop CEO Matt Furlong, who made an estimated $16.8 million dollars last year. “There’s enough Pro-Rewards points to get every kid in America subscribed to Game Informer magazine, we just have to all do our part and reallocate them properly. This new program is our attempt to give back to the gaming community by gifting them arbitrary and confusing points that mean a little bit less every year all the while watching the games marketplace shift to a digital model. It’s uh, it’s… I’m sorry, what was the question?” 

As of press time, the fucking clerk started going on about pre-ordering upcoming games, god damn it.

Microsoft Just Going to Release a Mario Game and See What Happens

Posted on by Camden Brazile

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft Gaming just announced it is bringing one of the most iconic video game characters ever, Mario, to the Xbox. Although they have no license or partnership with Nintendo, they’re just going to let that shit ride. 

“Fuck it,” Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer said in a press conference. “I’m calling their bluff. Mario is ours now, let’s see how they play it. Fine, send us cease and desists, file for punitive damages, I simply do not give a shit. It’ll be a good Mario game, he’ll jump around, grab coins, his usual Mario deal, but it’s Xbox only. I don’t care anymore. I’m sick of pussyfooting around and sitting in all these meetings talking about brand focus and having to acquire large companies to make new games, we’re just gonna do it. I want to see what happens. Look out for Super Mario World 2 next fall.”

Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser expressed a nervous concern about Microsoft’s new announcement. 

“He won’t…he’s not actually going to do that, right?” Bowser said. “He’s just joking around I’m sure. He doesn’t have the guts. I don’t know what to do, we usually just dump threats of legal action on these tiny publishers and they freak out and stop, but if Microsoft doesn’t care, I have no clue what the next step even is. He’s kind of checkmated us. I just hope there’s some way he’ll let us in on the deal if we ask very nicely. This madman may either save or destroy the games industry. Can we make a Master Chief platformer? Would anyone even care?”

At press time, SEGA took a page from Microsoft’s book and begged another studio, any studio, to try and develop their own Sonic the Hedgehog game.

SEGA Announces Sonic Frontiers Will Take Up to 35 Hours If You Fuck Around a Lot

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TOKYO — SEGA has announced more information about Sonic Frontiers, the new open world game starring the iconic Hedgehog, revealing that it could take players as long as 35 hours to beat it if they fuck around a lot.

“We are bringing you easily the biggest world we’ve ever had in a Sonic game,” said Sonic Frontiers director Morio Kishimoto. “It’s good for 20 hours or so, no problem. If the player were to really dick around, though, and just kind of take it all in and make sure they see as much bullshit as possible, we think they can get 35 hours of enjoyment out of the campaign. Maybe even more if they throw on a movie or a podcast while they play.”

“Sonic Frontiers may even be the first Sonic game that takes over 50 hours to complete,” Kishimoto added, “if you’re one of those guys who leaves the console running overnight instead of quitting the game and turning it off.”

Many players were excited about the amount of content that will be available in the game. 

“What great news for gamers that love to fuck around,” said Hal Piddleton, longtime fan of the Sonic series. “I know people get really into graphics and story and all kinds of stuff, but a game isn’t really worthwhile to me unless I can really fuck off for a while. I want to smoke weed and forget what I was doing if at all possible, so this is great news. I don’t ever expect a new Sonic game to be very good, but it’s nice to know I’ll get a lot of time out of it.” 

Many critics, however, were dubious of the franchise’s new direction. 

“These open world games that have followed Breath of the Wild have mostly failed to live up to its legacy for one simple reason; it’s pretty fun to fuck around in that game,” said Lindsey Greene, a games journalist. “Most open world games you get a map littered with people and tasks and it starts to feel like you’re doing chores more than anything. What Nintendo did five years ago really upped the bar as far as fucking around in video games goes. You could run around, climb up on shit, all of that. It was fucking great.” 

As of press time, Kishimoto also revealed that SEGA may try to further increase length of Sonic Frontiers with a day-one patch that decreases Sonic’s climbing speed while going up those big towers.

Devolver Digital Teams Up With Mods of ‘WikiFeet’ for New Game

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CAPE TOWN, South Africa — Video game publisher Devolver Digital has teamed up with the moderators of the popular celebrity foot catalog WikiFeet for a new game called Anger Foot.

“We are incredibly excited to announce that Anger Foot is the first-ever FPF game — a first-person footer,” explained one of the WikiFeet moderators, who was hired to make the game appeal to the more scrupulous members of the foot fetish community. “Feet are not unlike guns, in the video game sense. There are all sorts of different designs and they each serve a different precise function. There’s power feet, there’s quick feet, there’s short-range feet, there’s long-range feet, and of course, there’s stinky feet.”

“With Anger Foot, we want to make sure that players have a wide array of weapons so that they can always use the right one for the right situation. But we also want to make sure that they have the same flexibility with feet, and that’s where we come in,” the moderator continued. “Because if there’s someone who knows the ins and outs of feet better than we do, well… I’d like to meet them. And I’d like them to step on me.”

According to the developers at Free Lives, who created the game, working with the WikiFeet moderators was both rewarding and challenging.

“It’s definitely nice to have people who know their stuff to make sure our game is the most realistic it can be, and these guys are definitely more chill than the ones we had when we made Genital Jousting, but they are way more detail-oriented,” explained Free Lives creative director Evan Greenwood. “I’m dreading working on the DLC, because that’s when we’re going to start selling specific celebrity feet that players can purchase.”

At press time, Devolver Digital had reportedly hired a team of therapists to also assist with the game and make sure to accurately portray the “anger” side of Anger Foot as well.

Good news, gamers! This article is sponsored by Devolver which means that we didn’t just make all this shit up. Anger Foot is a real life video game that you can play when it comes out. OK, hold on, though, just to be clear: we made up the foot fetish part. It’s just a really cool high-paced FPS game where you can also kick the shit out of stuff. Check it out on Steam!

Elon Musk Lays Off 10% of the Weird Guys That Hang Out and Laugh at His Jokes

Posted on by Andy Holt

AUSTIN, Texas — In a leaked email to the entire company, Tesla CEO Elon Musk has announced he will lay off 10% of the rotating staff of dudes he pays to hang around and laugh at his lame jokes.

“We have become overstaffed in the area of chuckling weirdly at everything I say and telling me I’m cool all the time,” said Musk in the brief email, which reportedly sent shivers down the spines of the nearly 300 strange dudes dedicated to the task, 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. “Tesla will be reducing salaried headcount by 10% in that area.”

Tesla later released an official statement, confirming that Musk’s email was authentic and further explaining his reasoning for the layoff.

“Making Elon think he’s funny and cool is a central goal here at Tesla—it’s one of the main reasons the company even exists at this point, and it requires a dedicated team of dudes with some of the absolute weirdest vibes in the industry. We wish we could keep all of them on staff. However, we have begun to see redundancies,” said the statement, which went on to identify places with room to cut down. “For instance, last week, no less than four employees laughed and told Elon he was ‘le epic meme lord,’ only to realize Elon hadn’t said anything at all, only cleared his throat. We may have room to let one of those guys go. Three is good.”

Privately, employees expressed concern about the sudden layoff, worrying it may lead to overwork and increased chance of costly mistakes.

“You think it’s easy, doing what we do? The margin of error is extremely thin. If Elon makes even a single ‘joke’ that isn’t met with a burst of laughter, he might start wondering if what he said is actually funny. Next thing you know, he’s realizing how embarrassing it is for the richest man in the world to talk like a 12-year-old Redditor, and that’s the last thing we want,” said an extremely weird Tesla employee, who requested to remain anonymous. “We have to stay vigilant.”

At press time, Musk had clarified that the 10% layoff would not affect anyone who tells him how smart he is, and that headcount in that department would actually increase.

Hyrule Shop Whose One Sole Purpose Is Making and Selling Bombs Currently Out of Bombs

Posted on by Stephen Bell

HYRULE KINGDOM — A longstanding independently owned and operated bomb shop that is in the strict business of making and selling bombs is currently out of bombs, angry sources have confirmed. 

“That’s a little ridiculous,” said Plunk, a local demolitions expert who’s progress has been halted by the store’s lack of product. “And before you tell me about the supply chain, or ‘nobody wants to work,’ save that shit. You’re a couple that lives in a two-room bomb shop, with seemingly no other interests, abilities, or passions that don’t include the production and retail sale of bombs. How do you not have any bombs?”

The owners of the shop insisted that the litany of demands that come with running a bomb shop full time were to blame for the store’s recent lack of bombs. 

“There’s a lot that goes into operating a bombs-only shop,” said Kau AKA “Dr. Bomb,” co-owner of the shop that was voted Best Place to Buy Just Bombs in Hyrule in 2016 and 2019. “There’s cleaning, maintenance, stocking, ordering, keeping everything up to code, uh, we gotta clean the place up at night. Lots of technical business stuff that you wouldn’t understand, frankly. It’s more than just making bombs with my wife though, I assure you.” 

Many in town have speculated that the couple may have just gotten a little sick of making bombs. 

“That would totally make sense to me,” said a local villager. “I mean, every time someone gets a little rambunctious and tries to blow up a wall in their neighbor’s house, the conversation inevitably turns to ’Why is it so easy to get a bomb around here?’ It must be exhausting for them. I can see where they’d lose their passion for doing nothing but making and selling bombs.” 

As of press time, the Dr. Bomb’s and Mrs. Bomb’s Bomb Shop revealed it would have a limited amount of bombs for sale tomorrow morning, first come first serve, limit one bomb per customer. 

Elon Musk Unveils New Sustainable Car Powered by Tesla Employee Blood

Posted on by Camden Brazile

AUSTIN, Texas — Billionaire and Tesla CEO Elon Musk has just unveiled his latest venture in sustainable, environmentally-safe transportation in the form of a new car that is powered exclusively by Tesla employee blood.

“We have become far too dependent on fossil fuels, but this new Tesla model can shift our focus over to human life force,” Musk said in a press conference. “The suffering I am able to provide to my employees may already be able to power all cars until 2025, and with amazing new developments our team is working on, round-the-clock floggings for Tesla personnel are just around the corner. I’m always looking to find ways to turn a problem into a solution, and I had all this excess blood from hard-working blue collar people on my hands, so I decided to make lemonade.”

Self-proclaimed Elon Musk fan Albert Sharpe praised Musk’s shrewd and revolutionary new technology.

“He’s done it again,” Sharpe’s tweet began. “You probably don’t even understand what this means for humanity, but Elon (yes, I can call him Elon) has once again changed the game in human suffering. People love to hate on him, but blood is a fully renewable resource, and Tesla employee contracts specifically say that if Elon ever needs their blood, organs, or hair for any reason he’s completely entitled to them. For all of you out there crying about how the blood extraction process is unbearably painful, and that it doesn’t even need to be, you’re clearly just jealous of Elon’s new Mutilator 4500x, a brilliant machine you could never come up with.”

Others, however, have been more critical of the billionaire.

“This is the one time I’m really glad that Elon has never actually followed through on any new technology he has promised,” said tech blogger Gia Guerrero. 

At press time, Tesla teased a deluxe Tesla Blood model that bolsters a rich leather interior hand-stitched from the skin of Tesla factory workers.

DEAL ALERT: Every Nintendo 64 Game Is Free Right Now If You Have an Internet Connection

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Greetings, gamers! Long time Hard Drive readers know that once in a while we like to take a break from comedy and fighting with billionaires to let you know about some of the hottest gaming deals on the market. Today’s deal is fantastic, and doesn’t cost a penny. That’s right, if you know where to look, every single Nintendo 64 game is free right now! 

Literally, right now every Nintendo 64 game you ever played or heard of is available without a single payment. And they’re available on many platforms, too! You can play on PC, Mac, or on your Android phone or tablet. They’re also all fully playable on the Steam Deck, Valve ’s superior version of the Switch hardware that was released last year. The only catch? You have to know where to look. We probably shouldn’t tell you exactly where, but I bet you can figure it out. It’s not hard to figure out where things like “emulators” and “ROMs” are! 

We haven’t even told you the half of it yet, either. You know how I said every N64 game you’ve ever heard of is included in this once-in-a-lifetime deal? Well, there’s weird shit you ain’t even heard of included in this bundle too, pal.  I’m talking discarded prototypes, foreign releases, fucked up fan mods that make Link piss on everything in sight, it’s all here and it’s all completely free! 

We’re aware that in the past a lot of the “free” releases we’ve let you know about have had a caveat like signing up for a free trial for something, but the only requirement to hundreds and hundreds of Nintendo 64 games is that you’re connected to the internet and have a little bit of space on your computer. That’s it. No credit card numbers, no convoluted subscription service, just some of Nintendo’s most adored titles! They’re all available: Mario 64, Super Smash Bros, The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Piss! 

I would say for a limited time, but uh, again, if you know where to look, I think this deal is gonna keep going a little bit longer. You know what I mean? 

Yeahhhhh, you get it.