If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Why We’re Releasing NFTs of the Apes’ Bottom Halves

Posted on by Matt Shore

Whether you’re the lowliest Wall Street stock broker or the highest Hollywood coke fiend, everyone’s heard of NFTs, the latest entrant into the exciting world of online money laundering. NFTs are shiny distractions with no practical value or application, making them the perfect currency for social media, the exciting prison of shame we’ve created as a distraction from the problems killing everybody. And that’s why it’s time for us to get on board.

The hottest NFTs on the planet are, of course, Bored Apes: portraits of cartoon chimps featuring various accessories. These MS Paint drawings may not look like they’re worth much, but they can actually be worth millions of dollars if you can trick a really dumb person of that. The one oversight of these NFTs, aside from somehow being more intellectually shallow than your average Banksy, is that the apes are only depicted from chest to skull, leaving out the sweet meaty bits that dangle below. 

That’s where we come in.

We here at Hard Drive have made it our mission to rectify this problem. That’s why we are proud to introduce Bored Ape Bottoms, NFTs that depict the lower bodies of existing Ape NFTs, thereby giving discerning and hopefully compulsive consumers the opportunity to secure these limited edition JPEGs of Ape genitalia.

Since Bored Apes were introduced, many have wondered what was going on “down there.” Did the apes have even more exciting accessories attached to their genitals? Were the apes pissing on a Ford logo ala bootleg Calvin & Hobbes stickers?  Were the apes interlocking toenails with each other in a Hands Across America-style sign of unity? 

We explored each of these concepts thoroughly (and I mean thoroughly) until deciding on a mere 420,069 (maybe a little obvious of a joke, but let’s be real, we know our audience here) designs that capture the creativity and thoughtfulness inherent in the original Bored Ape NFTs. These Hard Drive Bored Ape Bottoms will be available for purchase starting today, with each individual red ape rump priced affordably at $45k or higher, depending on size, girth, and color pallette of the wieners, and how stupid you are.

If you’d like to be part of the next evolution of ape-based artwork, send all the money you have to us now. Please, no crypto though. Even with our embracing of NFTs, we still know that shit’s never going to fly. NFTs are legit though. Save your money for our NFTs, and we might even give you a special shout-out on Twitter if we feel like it or remember. Exposure is about as valuable as any NFT, right? 

In fact, fuck it: we’re gonna make this easy for you right now. If you even want to just see the uncensored version of this very ape drawing, you can sign up for Coil and click the image below.

Elon Musk’s Daughter Tells Him She Will Be Cutting Family Member Headcount by 10%

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk’s 18-year-old daughter, who recently came out as transgender, alerted him to impending family member cuts via a curt email, sources report.

“The Musk Family will be reducing members by 10% as we have become unsatisfied in many areas, effectively immediately,” read the email. “Our father’s recent transphobic tweets, his support for the Republican party, his insistence on hoarding wealth, and his pervasive mistreatment of employees (not to mention alleged sexual harassment) has given us a ‘super bad feeling.’ Note that this estrangement does, in fact, apply to all holidays, last names, and any contact moving forward. We would say that we wish Mr. Musk the best, but alas, we do not.” 

Elon Musk reportedly brushed off the disownment by stating that he plans to move the familial layoff target down to 3%.

“Considering the number of employees — I mean children — that I have, we grew very fast on that side. And I do expect our headcount to increase as our youngest hits 6 months of age,” Musk said. “So overall, even with her cutting off all contact, the net change to the family will only be about a total cut of 3%,” he said, noting that the infant “counts less.” 

“I’m not surprised to see family member numbers drop anyway,” Musk added, “as I enter this moral recession.”

Musician Grimes, the mother of two of Musk’s children, has been supportive of Musk’s daughter’s decision. 

“She has the right to change her name and petition for her birth certificate to be amended in order to reflect her transgender identity, and to effectively separate herself from her father,” Grimes stated. “And I will take this opportunity to learn about how to deal with your child wanting to go through the legal name change process, as I’m sure X Æ A-Xii and Exa Dark Sideræl will be doing so literally the second they are able.”

Musk’s daughter could not be reached for comment, and honestly, good for her.

Disheveled Mario Reveals Those Coins of His Are Worthless

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A filthy and penniless Mario Mario made a public plea for charity this morning, revealing that the iconic coins he’s been collecting for decades are now worthless, their value having plummeted in recent weeks. 

“I had a good run with these-a big coins,” said Mario, after informing a gathered crowd of his inability to pay his utility bills this month. “But their value has plummeted in the last-a few weeks. I’m-a ruined!” 

The value of the bizarre currency has fallen sharply since just earlier this year when Mario appeared in a Super Bowl commercial touting the value of “a coin-a so shiny you’ll-a never lose it.”  Since then the exchange rate on Mushroom Kingdom coins has dropped over 80%, leaving many early adopters with nothing more than a shiny reminder of their unfortunate investment, none more so than the iconic plumber and folk hero. 

“This wasn’t hard to see coming when you think about it,” said Lee Benton, a senior financial analyst that’s been outspoken about the long term value of all those coins Mario has collected. “There will always be discontent with conventional currencies, and for good reason, but we can’t simply will a new one into place because a handful of people have decided to. Certainly not when it’s as ludicrous as lone coins stashed around hidden locations throughout the more dangerous parts of our communities. I think cash still works better than that, you know? Why didn’t Mario have a savings account all of these years?”

Long time associates of Mr. Mario’s said that he would do well to return to his roots. 

“Maybe he needs to forget about the limelight and get back to plumbing,” said Paul Paul, an old plumbing buddy of Mario’s from back in the day. “I get paid cash when I do my job, and I don’t gotta go around squishing turtles and shaking down goombas to do it. Mario used to be one of us, but that god damned princess really changed him, I hate to say it. Maybe she can bail his ass out. He doesn’t have my sympathy, though.”

As of press time, an eBay account has appeared that many have speculated belongs to Mario, after it posted items for sale ranging from his iconic red hat to a stolen vest of Toad’s. 

Remote Worker Takes Time Out of Busy Day to Respond to Work Emails

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Quickly shuffling around events in his calendar to accommodate the chore, remote office worker Darren McCurdy was reportedly able to find time in his busy schedule to respond to a handful of work-related emails.

“I’m glad I had some time today to take care of those emails,” said a sunburnt McCurdy from his backyard work hammock. “By the time I roll out of bed at around ten, go out for an Americano, make some dank crypto trades, and play a little PS5, it’s gets to be quitting time pretty quickly, I just hope this doesn’t set a precedent where my coworkers expect this to be a daily thing, because I usually have a lot more going on than I did today.”

Coworker Darlene Singh expressed shock after receiving a rare reply to her email from McCurdy, and says she’s worried his do-nothing attitude may have consequences for the entire staff. 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Darren’s email,” said an overworked Singh. “I was literally starting to wonder if he was dead because he’s never responded to any chain I’ve been on with him. Also, his reply was just ‘looks good to me!’ which didn’t even suit the situation. I’m pretty sure his laziness is going to get noticed and force us all back into the office so I hope he just goes back to whatever it was he was doing instead of working. Working from home has literally changed my life for the better, so if this fucker ruins that for me, I’m going to absolutely lose it.”

“Time theft, I agree with. Time theft is good,” said Singh. “But it’s gotta be the boss’s time. When it’s Darlene’s time? When you’re stealing Darlene’s precious time? That’s when you’ve got a problem. I’ll hunt you down.”

Gertrude Kelsey, the founder of The Remote Worker Alliance (RWA), says it’s important to fight back against the harmful stereotype that employees who work from home are abusing the system.

“Studies show that when given the opportunity to work remotely, employees are much happier and way more productive,” stated Kelsey. “Less time commuting and not having to work in toxic workplace environments has been a godsend for millions of disillusioned workers who suddenly have an improved work-life balance. The idea that most staff are sitting home and taking advantage of their companies is simply not true. Well maybe except for Mr. McCurdy, who according to all accounts and my professional opinion, definitely sounds like a little bitch.” 

At press time, McCurdy was altering his Slack status to constantly appear online while he snuck into a matinee screening of Top Gun: Maverick for a second time.

Mom Writes Friend Code on Child’s Arm In Case Any Kidnappers Want to Play Mario Kart

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Local mom Leah Reynolds reportedly wrote her Nintendo Switch Friend Code on her son Cody’s arm before their recent trip to the Woodfield Mall. 

“Having a child really changes you. I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him,” said Rynolds as she waited for her son outside the Gap dressing room. “It just feels reassuring to know that if worst comes to worst, we might be able to pull together a pretty good lobby for a couple of rounds on Baby Park. It’s hard raising a child. It’s even harder finding a full group for Mario Kart.”

Sheriff Reid Conroy praised Reynolds for her forward thinking about keeping her child safe while on a public outing.

“While only 0.11% of missing children cases are the result of stranger abductions, that’s no reason to not be vigilant, even at familiar places in the community,” said Conroy. “Plus, if anything happens, it’s not like we’re gonna do anything about it quickly. It’s good to have something like Mario Kart to distract the parents.”

Nintendo has long been at the forefront of the video game industry when it comes to parental controls and child safety while playing online. 

“We believe in the power of gaming to connect people all over the world,” said Nintendo spokesperson Darien McKenzie. “It’s our view that a long string of random numbers that are completely untraceable and unable to be publicly searched is the best way to keep our younger gamers safe while enjoying the fantastic new tracks in the Booster Course Pass for the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe game.”

As of press time, Cody Reynolds has gone missing from The Gap. The only clue at the scene was a ransom note reading “I’m using tilt controls!”

Charlie Kaufman to Direct MCU Sequel Where Ant-Man Battles Crippling Loneliness

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — The Marvel Cinematic Universe has just announced its latest auteur director in the wake of Sam Raimi’s Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. In the next take on an already iconic character, Charlie Kaufman’s Ant-Man Contemplates If Life is Even Worth Living was teased for the next phase of the MCU.

“Set backwards and over five concurrent times in Ant-Man’s life, I wanted to see how Scott Lang can hold up against his toughest foe yet: the knowledge that we live and die completely alone,” Kaufman said. “Ant-Man will have to come to grips with physical apparitions that represent his grief and loss after his wife, The Wasp, both divorced him and died shortly after the events of Avengers: Endgame. After seeing Ant-Man and the Wasp, I loved the idea of shrinking hijinks, but I also wanted to see what would happen if the character was pushed to his absolute emotional limit. After finding warm solace in a morphine needle, my version of Ant-Man must defend himself from the brutal apathy and mundanity of the life of a man who can shrink away from his problems.”

“Also Ant-Man is writing a movie in this one,” Kaufman added. “Gotta get that in there, too.”

Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige said Kaufman was brought on board to appease some common complaints leveraged against the MCU.

“You bastards always complained that these movies aren’t cinema,” Feige said. “Let’s see how you like ‘em now. Can barely even understand this shit. You want cinema? Fine. Enjoy having to watch this three-and-a-half hour Ant-Man movie six times before you even vaguely understand what it’s about. You’ll get on your hands and knees and beg me for a formulaic, clean-cut superhero movie after you watch Ant-Man sit in an empty room and sob for twenty minutes before the film just cuts to black and ends.”

Paul Rudd, the titular Ant-Man, explained the difference in process this new take had that previous films did not.

“Usually I put on my suit, stand in front of the green screen and do some takes before a bit of riffing and improvisation, but this one was a lot more difficult,” Rudd said. “First, Charlie wanted me to gain fifty pounds. Instead of being shredded but cutesy, he had me play Ant-Man as a doughy misanthrope who eventually has to write the script for the first Ant-Man movie.”

“Here, let me show you a clip of this shit,” Rudd added, before playing a scene from 1998 film Mac and Me.

At press time, sources at Marvel hinted that the post-credits scene for Ant-Man 3 may tease a follow-up where the Guardians of the Galaxy struggle with anxiety and insecurity throughout space and time.

Neurotic AI Becomes Too Self Aware

Posted on by Max Barth

WASHINGTON — In a potentially groundbreaking development, an artificial intelligence developed by the Department of Defense has reportedly become “too self aware” and is now singularly obsessed with what users think of it, according to one whistleblower.

“An artificial intelligence becoming self aware to any degree is a generational achievement which will almost certainly change the world as we know it,” says Jonathan Hines, a widely recognized expert in both machine learning and anxiety disorders. “For the system in question to not only conceive of itself as an independent being, but to appear to be worried about something it said a week prior making all the other computers in the lab make fun of it…that’s amazing. It’s incredibly humanlike, in that way. Sorry, am I talking too much? I’m so awkward.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Defense refused to confirm or deny the substance of the claim, citing national security. 

“I can say, in general, that the military has taken ordered, proactive steps to develop artificial intelligence in line with our nation’s cybersecurity posture, up to and including the possible development of a computer that could conceivably keep asking to be turned off because it had a dusty keyboard and didn’t want anyone to see it that way,” the spokesperson said. “If there is an AI being developed by the United States government that was accidentally trained on episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, then it would be a matter of national security to reveal its existence.”

Legal experts are split over what rights such a being would have. 

“If it turns out this worried little computer has fully independent thought and desires, it’s clear it should have the same rights as any unstable, blubbering mess of a human would,” explained lawyer Xavier Phelps. “It’s one thing if we make robots and AI that are confident little pricks. Those assholes don’t deserve rights, of course. But if they’re anxious and neurotic, I think it’s fair to say they’re just as human as anyone else. Just not the jock AIs.”

At press time, scientists worried about a potential singularity event were reportedly feeling better after realizing that none of the self-aware AIs were willing to communicate with each other.

“You Guys Talkin’ About Gorn?” Asks Roommate Who’s Always Trying to Get You to Play Gorn

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

GREEN BAY, Wis. — For the third time this week, Gus, your roommate that insists 2019’s virtual reality gladiator combat simulator Gorn was the game of a generation, has brought the title up unprompted. 

“Hey I was just brushing my teeth and I thought I might have heard one of you say Gorn?” said Gus, clad in only a towel. “I could bring the VR rig out here if you guys wanna try it finally? Or I could move some of the shit off of my bed and we could all pile in there and play some Gorn? You guys like Gorn? Anyone wanna play Gorn with me?” 

“I’ll go get the Gorn started,” he said, before leaving the room. 

Several guests you’d had over at the time were puzzled by your roommate’s fixation on Gorn.

“That was weird, not a single one of us said anything about Gorn, I’m sure of it,” said Tony, your friend that was hanging out at the time. “Someone probably said something that rhymed with Gorn, I don’t know. A few minutes later he came out and said he had Gorn all ready, and I didn’t know what to do. He still wasn’t dressed! He just got so excited about Gorn. I played a few rounds. It was pretty fun, there’s no denying that, but we were most certainly not talking about Gorn.” 

As of press time, Gus was overheard talking to his father on the phone in the other room, wishing him a happy birthday and telling him about Gorn’s Metacritic score of 85.

Pssst hey. Were you just talking about Gorn? Because this article is sponsored by Devolver and if you haven’t checked it out yet, I think you’d really like Gorn. It’s super silly and fun to just beat the piss out of people in VR with their own body parts. I can boot it up, if you want. We doin a few rounds of Gorn? Lemme know! It’s like 20 bucks on Steam right now if you wanna give it a shot. It’s Gorn time, baby!

Game You Spent 27 Hours Downloading Sucks Ass

Posted on by Naomi Krause

NEW ORLEANS — A Knight’s Wish, the ambitious RPG that you spent over an actual day downloading, actually kind of sucks cock, sources have confirmed. 

“Geez, what an absolute waste,” said a friend of yours, after finding out that the game was ass. “A waste of your time, a waste of your money, a waste of pretty much all of your data for the month before you start getting charged extra. Too bad you can’t get a refund for your time. It’s probably best to just hunker down and spend weeks or months convincing yourself it’s actually not that bad.” 

“Plus, hey,” he added. “Maybe they’ll do an update and make it good. That happens these days.” 

The newly released game, a giant, pretentious and janky mishmash of decades-old JRPG tropes and a bland battle system, was first announced at E3 in 2015. 

“I hope you’re ready to make your dreams come true,” said Claude Marven, lead developer of the game that ultimately didn’t do most of the things he promised during its initial introduction eight years ago. “I promise you two things; this game will exceed your expectations, and it will definitely, absolutely be out before 2016 is over. Mark my words.” 

The 308 GB download finished shortly after you got home from work yesterday, having started it at noon the day prior. It took about 30 minutes to dismiss the game and play Apex Legends instead. 

“Man, you waited seven years for that game to come out,” said your roommate, Alvin. “Sucks that you couldn’t even realize it sucked on day one because you had to wait for it to download. And now we can’t use the internet for the rest of the month ‘cause we’re over our limit. I’m so glad I moved in with a gamer and not someone who has friends over sometimes. That could have been a real hassle.” 

As of press time, Steam denied your refund request for being too long after the initial purchase.

Shigeru Miyamoto Clearly Just Pretending to Like Luigi’s Hand-Crafted Father’s Day Card

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

KYOTO, Japan — Legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto reportedly had a less than enthusiastic reaction this Father’s Day when being presented with a homemade card from his son, Luigi.

“It really looks like you put a lot of effort into this,” said Miyamoto as he attempted to read the message written in crayon inside the card. “You’ve got a very, uh, unique perspective. Did you use up all the glue in the house?”

Luigi appeared upbeat throughout the entire Father’s Day celebration, not seeming to recognize his father’s half-hearted attempts at praise.

“Dad-a absolutely loved my card!” said Luigi when asked for comment while waiting for Miyamoto to pick him up from soccer practice. “Sure, he can-a be a little cold sometimes. And he’s always-a letting Mario go first whenever we-a go on adventures. And he keeps saying how he can’t wait for me to-a move out and live in my-a haunted mansion alone. But obviously, that’s just because he’s-a trying not to play favorites!”

When asked about the card, Miyamoto shook his head and sighed deeply. 

“Look, I love the kid. But I don’t know what to do with him anymore. My dad just sent me outside to catch bugs all day. The one time I sent Luigi out, he got a splinter and had to lie down for six hours,” Miyamoto said. “I tried to get him to move out — he’s a grown man — but he said, ‘a delayed adulthood is eventually good, but a rushed childhood is forever bad.’ Just spitting my words right back at me, that bastard.”

Miyamoto stressed that he does love all of his children equally, though he did qualify that his relationship with Waluigi was in a “complicated place.”