Local Pants Soiled in Police-Related Bowel Incident

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

EL PASO, Texas — A local pair of pants were soiled today in a police-related incident, according to the El Paso Police Department. 

“We are incredibly saddened to hear about what happened to Officer Davis’ pants, which were tragically soiled in an Officer-Davis’-butthole-related pooping incident earlier today. Our thoughts and prayers go out to their washers,” said Police Chief Peter Britton. “Our understanding is that a frightening Hispanic teen was seen by Officer Davis in the late afternoon, at which point the teen pulled out his cell-phone, which looked very much like a small knife, which caused the bowel incident to occur at that time, laying waste to Officer Davis’ pants. It is a very dark day for our police department, and I guess the family of the teen, who also died in the subsequent shoot-out.”

Local journalists and activists have pressed the police EPPD to release footage of the incident, but it has so far refused. 

“We unfortunately cannot release footage of the incident because we are worried that it would only serve to help criminals craft dastardly plans to more easily fill the innocent pants of our officers with bowel movements. These ruthless animals will stop at nothing to smear poop all over our underwear. It sickens me,” Britton explained. “Thank god for the brave men and women who keep our streets safe despite the constant horror from the gangs of teens terrorizing our community with various weapon-shaped devices. There’s a reason we give IQ tests to those who want to join the force and it’s because we know if we hire anyone too smart, there’s no way they won’t quit the second they realize how scary a job this is.”

At press time, the state government approved a 500% increase in police budget so that EPPD officers can afford military-grade super absorbent diapers while on duty.

Devolver’s ‘Skate Story’ Shows the Demonic Hell of Skateboarding Without Ska

Posted on by Camden Brazile

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Game publisher Devolver Digital’s newest indie game Skate Story lets players explore the uninhabitable, desolate wasteland of having to skateboard without any ska music. 

“I decided to really let viewers experience the pain and anguish of the protagonist, I would let them roll around without any brass to be heard,” Skate Story creator Sam Eng said. “Not one toot or honk will echo in this cold, horrible landscape, which we think will drive players to the sort of insanity the game’s theme is trying to convey. It’s a haunting, empty world that doesn’t even have a god damn tuba, so good luck. So here I am, doing everything I can, holding on to what I am, pretending I’m trapped inside the pits of Hell.”

An early playtester for the Skate Story, Michael Cromwell, explained how the game’s lack of ska music slowly takes a toll on the player’s mental state. 

“I see now how the lonely, despondent demon I played with feels every day,” Cromwell said. “I truly realized the game took place in Hell the moment I landed a sick kickflip, when the game’s moody soundtrack didn’t suddenly pipe up into playful guitar and raucous trumpet it hit me how empty and meaningless life can be. I thought a skateboarding game trying to be thought-provoking was a tall order, but now I understand the pain of loss. Sometimes it’s about the impressions that you don’t get. 10/10.”

Blood Cultures, the enigmatic musical artist responsible for the game’s soundtrack, commented on his compositional choices for the game.

“It was an incredible challenge to resist the urge to pick it up,” Cultures said. “I had to destroy all my brass instruments just because I kept finding myself blacking out and suddenly regaining consciousness holding them and playing lively trombone solos on the soundtrack. Now there’s no way my body or mind can subconsciously sneak ska into the game like it so desperately wants to. Not even third-wave ska.”

At press time, despite Skate Story’s lack of ska music, Eng revealed that he isn’t against releasing Bam Margera as a DLC character.

Good news, gamers! This article is sponsored by Devolver which means that we didn’t just make all this shit up. Skate Story is a real life video game that you can play when it comes out. Press that wishlist button on Steam because this game looks like it’s More Than The Sum Of Its Jake.

Substitute at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters in Way Over Their Head

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. — A last minute substitute teaching gig at Professor Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters has proved tumultuous to local substitute teacher Doug Flick. 

“This…. this is not what I signed up for,” sighed Flick as he sipped a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge during his lunch break. “I remember what it was like as a kid having a sub, I know the routine. But these little bastards are scrambling my thoughts and freezing me to my chair and shit. It’s fucked up!” 

The harassment reportedly started early in the day, as Flick had barely made it through taking attendance before the students began using their powers anonymously. 

“Alright, who shot a little rocket at me?” asked Flick, shortly after taking fire while writing his name on the whiteboard. “That thing could’ve really hurt me if it connected! And stop making my pencils explode when I touch them, whoever’s doing that! And I feel the change in my pocket heating up too, so whatever wiseguy is doing that can knock it off right this second, as well. This is all going in my report.” 

The namesake superintendent of the school spoke out against the pranks and light burning Flick had endured.

“Shame on those pupils,” said Charles Xavier, leader of the X-Men. “This is not who we are as mutants. Actions like this only perpetrate the negative stereotypes humans have of us, that we will use our powers to control and humiliate them. I mean, I get where making his pants fall down repeatedly is a little funny, but come on guys, lay off him a little bit.” 

As of press time, Flick had been shrunk and was pleading with students to return him to normal size.  

God Responds to Prayer From Person Alive in the 1200s With “Oops! Just Saw This!”

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

HEAVEN — After over 810 years, God responded to medieval peasant Millicent Gascoigne’s prayer pleading for Him to relieve her son from the pain and suffering of typhoid fever with “Oops! Just saw this!”

“Sorry! My notifications have been super weird lately,” our heavenly Father replied to Millicent, who has been dead for 809 years, “I’m guessing you found someone else to help you out already haha. Again, I’m really sorry. I’ll definitely help you out next time though! Hope your well.”

According to sources deep within Heaven, many are complaining of God’s recent two thousand year stretch of absenteeism.

“God has been really flakey lately,” Archangel Michael divulged. “He was actually supposed to be there when Jesus was crucified, but He showed up three days late. Bro that’s your own son! Or it’s You or something, I don’t know. He kept saying His reminders didn’t go off and He swears He’s going to make one of the apostles buy an organizer and physically write down His schedule for Him. After enough times it starts to feel like it’s on purpose.”

Despite criticism, the all-powerful creator of the Heavens still has devoted followers who are not so critical of his inaction.

“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” proclaimed local priest, Father Greg Hampto, during a recent sermon. “No matter how often God leaves you on read, no matter how many times you notice He’s posting on Twitter, but not replying to you, know that He loves you and although His reply might seem late to you, He always replies at the right time. I’m actually in a group chat with Him right now—He always posts the most baller memes—so I know just how busy He has been lately.”

As of press time, God has yet to respond to requests for comment.

Gamers Without Borders Donates 5,000 Fightsticks to Refugees

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NASHVILLE — Humanitarian program Gamers Without Borders generously provided much-needed relief to a new group of refugees in the form of 5,000 fightstick arcade controllers for fighting games.

“It’s so important to us that these underprivileged people are able to pull off the same combos as anyone else in this country,” said GWB President Dustin Garcia. “With the terrors they’ve undeniably gone through, our group wanted to make sure that none of them had to endure the indignity of being eliminated at EVO or God forbid losing to some button masher online. I shudder to think of a poor family that can’t even afford an octogate controller and has to play Street Fighter with—I’m sorry, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry—the D-Pad.”

One of the refugees, Fabian Donaldson, expressed what these arcade controllers mean to him and his people.

“We are so thankful for this life-changing donation,” Donaldson said. “While we don’t have a reliable source of food, water, or shelter, these fightsticks have made it so we are able to absolutely rinse people in Mortal Kombat, Tekken, and any fighting game you can imagine, which is all we really wanted: a sense of humanity. 

Secretary General of the United Nations Antonio Guterres said the generous donation would do healing wonders on a geo-political scale.

“It warms my heart to see a group that truly wants to do a good thing in the world,” Guterres said. “We want to promote charity and welfare worldwide, and this is a great start.  Life has frame-trapped these poor people, wailing on them with seemingly endless chip damage and hit stuns, but these heavyset arcade cabinet controllers can provide them the I-Frames to eventually execute a perfect wakeup into their new worlds.”

At press time, refugees promised that they would commit themselves to doing what they can to help gamers, who they cited as being “the most oppressed minority of them all.”

Dry Bones Wakes Up at Funeral and Freaks Everybody Out

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A Dry Bones thought recently deceased awoke at his own funeral and completely blew everyone’s minds, weirded out sources have confirmed. 

“Oh my god, my son is alive!” cried Katherine Bones, the mother of the Dry Bones who was allegedly stomped to death by local celebrity Mario Mario while out for a walk in his neighborhood. “We had just started the ceremony and he sat up and asked what everyone was doing in his bedroom and started pacing around. It’s a miracle!” 

Despite the positive reception to the news that her son was alive, the revelation caused pandemonium among those attempting to pay their last respects to their friend and co-worker. 

“That was the craziest fucking funeral I’ve ever seen,” said Graham Harper, who’s owned Harper’s Funeral Home since 2004. “I mean you see all kinds of crazy stuff in this business of course, but like, everyone started freaking out and there were fireballs and pokey things and I swear to god at one point a fish flew right into my face. I just got the hell out of there. They still had the room for another 15 minutes, so not a lot I could really do.” 

When asked about the rebirth of his near-victim, Mario appeared less surprised than the funeral attendees. 

“The things I kill, sometimes, they don’t-a stay dead,” said Mario Mario, controversial folk hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. “The line between this world and the next is more fragile than people-a realize, and I can think of no better example than a Dry Bones shifting between-a planes shortly after I’ve stomped his head into the ground. Mamma mia!” 

As of press time, Mrs. Bones was inquiring as to the status of her deceased husband that she’d had cremated.

“I Would Totally Watch This,” Comments Lying Dipshit on Parody Trailer

Posted on by Naomi Krause

CHICAGO — A huge liar has recently commented on a parody internet trailer that they would watch the fictional film being advertised if it were to exist, obviously lying their ass off. 

“Ngl, would totally watch this,” read the total asshole’s comment on the YouTube video. “I know it’s a joke but Fartin’ Transformers looks better than most of the trash studios are putting out these days and passing off as entertainment. At least it  would have comic relief and know not to take itself so seriously.” 

The replies to the comment unanimously accused the commentator of being disingenuous. 

“There is absolutely no way that would happen, for so many reasons,” said the top upvoted reply to the original comment. “For one, even if you like this joke, there’s no way it would sustain for 90 minutes. Who could possibly want that? Would you still be laughing after a literal hour of Optimus Prime farting while he talked? Just like the video and move on. Comment ‘LOL’ if you must, but get out of here with that ‘I would watch this entire film,’ bullshit. Go to hell.” 

The maker of the video in question agreed with the assessment. 

“Dude, I got sick of this two minute video an hour into making it,” said Dustin Miller, who uploaded the Fartin’ Transformers parody trailer. “If I never see another Transformer, or hear another fart, I will die happy. Fuck any liar that says they would watch that whole movie. It’ll never happen, so just shut up.” 

As of press time, the lying commenter was reportedly on Discord bragging about three consecutive wins in Warzone that you guys wouldn’t have believed if you saw it, honest.  

Top 6 Games in the PlayStation Store Sale You Forgot You Already Bought on Steam

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

The start of summer means the PlayStation Store holds their annual Days of Play sale, with deep discounts on some truly great games you may have missed. But some of these games you didn’t miss. In fact you forgot you have them on Steam, yet bought them again for your PS4 because the deal was so amazing. Though it’s a huge waste of your money, here’s the six best titles you bought seconds before realizing you already have them.

#6 — Donut County ($3.89)

One of the prettiest and cheapest games on this list is a wonderful hole-widening story with a cute raccoon assistant. If you like Katamari Damacy, you’ll like this, and you liked it enough to spend money on it twice. It’s a great deal for four bucks, and still great even though you’ve sent over twenty dollars on it to date.

#5 — Subnautica ($14.99)

A harrowing tale of undersea exploration and survival, this game is worth the discounted price even though you got your Steam copy from a bundle where you spent exactly five dollars to get 2000 games in support of a cause. But you should probably feel bad that you forgot what the cause was.

#4 — Civilization 6 ($8.99)

You barely know anything about history, so you thought a game where Teddy Roosevelt can bomb Carthage with a nuclear device would help teach you something. Too bad you got this on your PC too, which is the best place to play it anyway. Have fun scrolling across that map without the help of a mouse.

#3 — Prey 2 ($7.49)

A fantastic voyage to a space station infected with grimy aliens sounds really cool, and it should since you played it already. Yes, you’ve already gone through the game on PC and don’t remember, which is kind of ironic given the story (which you also forgot). Now you’ve gotta spend extra for Mooncrash since you forgot that exists too.

#2 — Paradise Killer ($14.99)

This detective mystery full of style was initially purchased because you were horny for one of the characters on the box art. Don’t worry, this game has more to offer than just good looks, but guess what? You’re still just as horny and your clouded judgement made you put cash down for what you assume/hope is a sexual thrill ride.

#1 — Outer Wilds ($14.99)

Oh come on are you fucking kidding me? Like, sure, it’s nice you’re giving indie studio Mobius Digital more money for their ambitious planetary adventure, and this game is unbelievably good. But how did you not play this when it came out? You certainly bought it then! Dammit, stop spending your cash frivolously and play this masterpiece right now; I can’t even tell you how good it is without spoiling it.

Democratic Party Reveals They Thought They Were in Spectate Mode This Whole Time

Posted on by Andy Holt

WASHINGTON — Embarrassed leaders of the Democratic Party admitted they thought they had been in ‘spectate’ mode since at least the late 1960s, leading to decades of inaction on key social, economic, and environmental issues.

“Oh, it’s still going? Like, right now? Crap. Give me one sec,” Nancy Pelosi reportedly said when she realized the party had held power for significant chunks of time in recent decades, including the past several years. “What’s the objective again?”

The Democratic Party explained further in a public statement.

“After we passed Medicare in 1965 — you’re welcome, by the way — we stepped away real quick because we had some other stuff to deal with. Could have sworn we flipped it to ‘spectate’ first, but apparently we didn’t,” read the official press release. “So that’s why we’ve been re-spawning in the White House and Congress ever since, where we’ve been getting our shit completely rocked by our opponents, over and over and over, without putting up a fight. Our bad. Easy mistake.”

Supporters were quick to forgive the misunderstanding, claiming the party wasn’t even to blame.

“Would things be better if the Democratic Party had kept fighting for robust social programs and the working class? Sure. Did the party instead stand by and let their opponents completely decimate any concept of the public good in American life while enriching a small few and turning our country into a bloodthirsty evangelical theocracy? Okay, yeah. But the fact is, the developers made the UI kind of confusing. So it’s their fault, really,” said longtime Democratic Party consultant Jerry Hall. “Plus, it’s just a game. People need to chill out.”

Immediately following the realization, the Democratic Party lept into decisive action by arguing about student loans for a while and then logging off.

BREAKING: Nintendo Announces Mario Will “Try a Little Bit of Gay Stuff” This Month

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo is reportedly hoping to generate some positive news during Pride Month by announcing that, any day now, Mario is going to experiment with homosexuality for the first time in his 30 year career. 

“The time is now for Mario to try a little bit of gay stuff, and frankly it has been too long,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “Nintendo has failed to properly capitalize on this growing movement in a profitable way, and as such, we’re gonna make up for lost time by making Mario just go completely hog wild on honestly probably a couple of different partners this month. Should be very exciting.” 

“Look out, Chargin’ Chuck,” he added. 

The announcement was seen by many gamers as the latest in a series of hollow profiteering done in the name of Pride Month by corporations. 

“Whoa, so you’re telling me Nintendo is embracing gay culture as soon as the coast is 100 percent clear and not a second sooner,” asked Ashley Davis, a local gamer. “Color me fucking surprised. At least they’re going for it though and apparently having Mario get in there and get his hands dirty. Most of these corporations just slap a rainbow on their storefront and call it a day. Sounds like Nintendo’s got Mario sucking someone off. Your move, Sony.” 

When asked for comment, Mario said he was willing to try a little bit of gay stuff, for the good of the company. 

“When they asked me to do-a some gay stuff this month-a, I was worried it would be offensive to the community,” said Mario Mario, while browsing various types of gay pornography to see what got him going. “But they are so-a used to being pandered to, they’ve actually been-a so nice to me! I see why Birdo and Luigi like it-a so much with them. Uh oh, I may have-a said too much!” 

As of press time, the details about the gay stuff were yet to be revealed, however Wario did confirm that he’d be able to bring a bunch of poppers to the next Mario Party.