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SEGA Announces Sonic Frontiers Will Take Up to 35 Hours If You Fuck Around a Lot

TOKYO — SEGA has announced more information about Sonic Frontiers, the new open world game starring the iconic Hedgehog, revealing that it could take players as long as 35 hours to beat it if they fuck around a lot.

“We are bringing you easily the biggest world we’ve ever had in a Sonic game,” said Sonic Frontiers director Morio Kishimoto. “It’s good for 20 hours or so, no problem. If the player were to really dick around, though, and just kind of take it all in and make sure they see as much bullshit as possible, we think they can get 35 hours of enjoyment out of the campaign. Maybe even more if they throw on a movie or a podcast while they play.”

Sonic Frontiers may even be the first Sonic game that takes over 50 hours to complete,” Kishimoto added, “if you’re one of those guys who leaves the console running overnight instead of quitting the game and turning it off.”

Many players were excited about the amount of content that will be available in the game. 

“What great news for gamers that love to fuck around,” said Hal Piddleton, longtime fan of the Sonic series. “I know people get really into graphics and story and all kinds of stuff, but a game isn’t really worthwhile to me unless I can really fuck off for a while. I want to smoke weed and forget what I was doing if at all possible, so this is great news. I don’t ever expect a new Sonic game to be very good, but it’s nice to know I’ll get a lot of time out of it.” 

Many critics, however, were dubious of the franchise’s new direction. 

“These open world games that have followed Breath of the Wild have mostly failed to live up to its legacy for one simple reason; it’s pretty fun to fuck around in that game,” said Lindsey Greene, a games journalist. “Most open world games you get a map littered with people and tasks and it starts to feel like you’re doing chores more than anything. What Nintendo did five years ago really upped the bar as far as fucking around in video games goes. You could run around, climb up on shit, all of that. It was fucking great.” 

As of press time, Kishimoto also revealed that SEGA may try to further increase length of Sonic Frontiers with a day-one patch that decreases Sonic’s climbing speed while going up those big towers.