ROBOTROPOLIS — The wealth of the infamous technocrat Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik has been brought under scrutiny following newly surfaced reports that the majority of his wealth originated from his family’s chaos emerald mine in South Africa.
“I can’t believe I didn’t know this, but it makes total sense,” said Station Square resident Kelly Posehn after hearing the news. “He’s always advertising the fact that he has a 300 IQ, but of course he forgets to mention his obsession with chaos emeralds runs in the family.”
Dr. Eggman, who is a staunch advocate of free speech, has built a career turning living things into unfeeling androids and mounting large-scale wars to try and control both the Earth and the entire universe. His most enthusiastic fans say that the news of his family background doesn’t change their belief in his vision.
“I know some people might be wondering what else is in this guy’s past, but I’m just excited to get turned into a robot,” said Paul Tyler, who recently moved to Robotropolis after selling all of his possessions and swearing allegiance to Dr. Eggman. “Also, he’s a brilliant designer! Have you seen those cool floating egg pods that he flies around in? I’m saving up to buy a Model E next year, hopefully I still have my human senses long enough to enjoy it by then!”
At press time, public discourse had already shifted away from this topic following news that Dr. Eggman had publicly accused his rival Sonic the Hedgehog of being a pedophile.
While some of these issues are specific to Netflix—and we have to keep in mind that, according to emerald mine heir billionaire Elon Musk, the woke mind virus has been making the site unwatchable—their woes are really just a microcosm of an industry-wide trend: streaming has been getting worse since pretty much the moment it came into existence.
What began as a convenient novelty that compiled some of your favorite movies and TV shows in one place has slowly become a decentralized hellscape. Virtually every entertainment conglomerate (and an evil tech giant or two) has created their own walled garden that includes a smattering of recognizable IP, swamped by a deluge of hastily-conceived original content that’s theoretically catered to the masses, but in actuality doesn’t appeal to a single human being. Streaming used to mean binging 30 Rock—now it means autoplaying trailers for dogshit that looks like the fake movies in 30 Rock.
And the problems with streaming reflect an even broader societal issue: in general, subscription models are on the rise, and consumer ownership is on the decline. Nobody owns anything anymore. Instead, we pay a zillion monthly fees for the privilege of giant corporations offering us a temporary, limited, fickle selection of content, products, and services. People are seemingly less willing to pay 50 bucks for one thing, and more willing to pay 120 bucks a year for hypothetical access to a bunch of things.
Which begs the question: is cloud gaming also destined to be dogshit?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been loving the rise of subscription services for gaming thus far. Through Xbox Game Pass alone, I’ve gotten to download dozens of incredible games—and I’ve even played a couple of them. As cloud gaming technology improves, I’m just as stoked as everyone else for the day I can play Skyrim just by clicking on its icon (instead of clicking on its icon, starting a download, and finding something else to do with my life for 45 minutes. Or worse, playing with one of the physical copies I already own.)
But here’s what worries me: when experts try to explain cloud gaming in the simplest possible terms, they’ll often resort to the phrase “Netflix, but for video games.” In doing so, they’re trying to evoke a world where you can open up a menu, browse a broad selection of video games, pick a favorite, and start playing immediately with no downloads required. They’re describing 2012 Netflix, and as a person who cannot allow myself to be happy, that analogy immediately triggers me to foresee the dogshit of 2022 Netflix.
I don’t look forward to learning what the video game version of The Kissing Booth is going to be.
Imagine a world where you’ve sunk 80 hours into an epic AAA title, only to find that it’s being dropped from the subscription service at the end of the month. Imagine a landscape where every single tech company launches its own cloud gaming service, forcing you to sign up for multiple subscriptions to cobble together a respectable library. Imagine a situation where an in-game advertising platform is fully integrated into iOS, Android, PlayStation, and Xbox, ready to interrupt your Elden Ring boss battles with a quick word from BetterHelp.
Now open your eyes and click the hyperlinks, gamers—because thanks to the inevitabilities of capitalism, all that dogshit is already happening. (Make sure to open in a new tab and read the articles later, though—it’s really important that you linger on the Minus World website as long as possible. Maybe even click a few ads while you’re here because it’s the only way we keep the lights on around here. Sorry, what were we saying about capitalism?)
Granted, gaming is awesome enough—and individual games are expensive enough—that I’m willing to overlook most of the annoyances that are associated with subscription models. But ads are the one thing that could fundamentally ruin the immersion and escapism that define my favorite gaming experiences. And if the streaming industry’s recent panicked scramble to ad-supported tiers is any indication, ads on streaming content of any kind may be inevitable.
Sure enough, when Facebook launched their cloud gaming service in 2020, the company’s VP of Play Jason Rubin—a man whose title makes it sound like he reports to Jigsaw—literally boasted that they would be “blurring the line between games and ads.” (This is the most offensive invocation of the phrase “blurred lines” I have ever heard.)
“Do you want to stream a game?”
Meanwhile, the head of Anzu—the aforementioned in-game advertising company that already has deals with all the big gaming platforms—has described advertising in AAA games as a “natural next step for Microsoft” that could even “enhance the realism of games.” And to be fair, he’s right. Real life is dogshit, in large part because of dogshit ads, and adding dogshit ads to video games would make them a lot more dogshit. Just like real life!
Look, despite the question I asked 8 paragraphs ago, I’m not saying that cloud gaming is destined to be dogshit. But I am saying that today’s inflection point for cloud gaming feels eerily similar to the inflection point that streaming reached a decade ago. And while I’m excited to see how the cloud will enable smoother, faster, more accessible gaming experiences, I can’t help but fear that it will also enable a world where gamers have to slog through a bunch of dogshit UIs from every dogshit publisher who decides to create a dogshit cloud gaming service packed with dogshit games interrupted with dogshit ads.
So forge ahead with caution, gamers. For the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward everything becoming dogshit. Hopefully they’ll still let us screenshot stuff.
(By the way, you know what Netflix has been doing to save face as its existing business model begins to fall apart? Buying game studios. Lmfao.)
HEAVEN — Bella Henderson, 14, a deceased cat currently residing in the afterlife, is proud to live on as the password for the Henderson family Hulu account, according to celestial sources.
“I was thrilled when I heard the news,” said Bella, speaking through an angelic translator. “Even when I was alive, I knew they admired me, looked up to me, acknowledged my superiority. It was a feeling you could sense when they fed me or scooped my waste. But this speaks to something greater… they revere me as one does a god. It is the honor of my life to be blessed as the Hulu password for those humans. May they forever speak my name and remember my presence when they stare at the large glowy rectangle.”
According to heavenly sources familiar with the situation, Bella’s new neighbor in Heaven, Menkauhor, does not share in her excitement.
“Oh big fucking deal,” said Menkauhor. “No offense to Bella, but it really shows you how times have changed that she even cares about this. I was Nefertiti’s cat. I was revered. I was pampered. I was carved into stone. And rightly so. It makes me sad, honestly, to think of modern cats. Must be pretty bleak down there. I’m a fucking mummy in a pyramid, meanwhile Bella gets smoked in a dirty oven and remembered forever as a family’s third favorite streamer password. Might as well be Tubi. Pathetic.”
Kristi Henderson, the only child of the Henderson family, says that the origin of the password lies with her father Andrew, and is a bit more complicated than it appears.
“Dad cycles between about six passwords, but each of them involves one of our cats. One of our dead cats,” Kristi said. “When I don’t know what a password is, I just plug each of his half-dozen deceased childhood pets one by one until something works out. It can be a little bit emotionally devastating in a way that really makes it hard to relax and enjoy The Handmaid’s Tale. But it is what it is, I guess.”
At press time, Andrew Henderson was signing up for Disney+ with a password involving the family’s dead dog Finn, who is in Hell.
This article is brought to you by our friends at Subset, a new way to share the costs of any subscription service with your friends and family. To try out Subset download it at subset.com.
REDMOND, Wash. — After delaying its release indefinitely following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine several weeks ago, Nintendo has promised that it will release the much anticipated Advance Wars 1+2: Re-Boot Camp if everyone can just get along for at least a little while.
“Listen, if we’re holding this release until there are no unpleasant connections to real world events that you could make while playing it, we’ll never get to put it out,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser earlier today. “As such, can we maybe get everyone to chill out for just a little bit and we can squeak this fucker out one night? We worked really hard on it, and now we’re just sort of sitting around waiting until the world isn’t a cold and violent place to put it out. So that’s not really a great plan.”
Gamers largely understood the need for tasteful timing when it came time to release and market the strategy game.
“Hey, I’ve been waiting years for this to come out, what’s a little bit more time to make sure it won’t upset anyone?” asked Janell Sommer, a longtime Advance Wars fan. “There are people dealing with some very serious real world issues, and I would hate to think of them catching wind of me shooting a little tank that had 10 hit points like some kind of insensitive prick. I won’t be a part of it, and I applaud Nintendo for their decision. In the meantime, I’ll stick to messing around with my friends in Call of Duty: Warzone.”
Some gamers, however, were skeptical that the delay was really done for the reasons cited.
“Whatever,” said Corey, the young boy that comes to our office and harrasses the writers. “They didn’t have the game finished and they just needed an extra month or two to crunch. It’s so obvious. Since when did real life violence prevent entertainment from being released? We’re not talking about football after 9/11 here, we’re talking about war games. Hey, someone buy me some cigarettes or I’m gonna kick Mark’s ass again!”
As of press time, Nintendo had pushed Breath of the Wild 2 back another year, citing everybody’s inability to get along on the internet.
INDIANAPOLIS — An avid gamer was spotted earlier this afternoon staring at a puddle, marveling at the various reflections and ripple effects it demonstrated.
“My god, would you look at it? I’ve never seen a puddle this gorgeous,” said Ty Granger, entering his third hour of staring intently at the puddle outside of his apartment. “They have made really great strides in puddles in video games, but nothing, nothing whatsoever, compares to the real thing. Oh man, I would give anything to watch a fight in the reflection of this puddle. Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow and bring a chair. My neck is starting to hurt.”
Roommates of Granger’s said that while extreme, the behavior did not surprise them, due to his intense focus on realism in video games.
“I mean, all of us play games,” said Brian Shackleford, one of Granger’s housemates. “But he’s just really into puddles and water all the time. Personally, I just like playing stuff, I’m not super worried about the graphics if something is fun. But all Ty cares about is rain and reflections and shit like that. One time I heard him freaking out in his room and I thought his dad died or something, but he had just dropped some frames in a game. I don’t know, man. Honestly, I hope he stays out there looking at that puddle a while longer. That’d be fine.”
Though clearly causing gamers to be enthralled with the real world around them, many game developers have bemoaned the insistence on hyper realistic graphics in video games.
“When I started in this industry, I was able to do some really innovative things in the games I worked on,” said Megan Pulchaki, a veteran game designer. “We’d go to work, spitball ideas, and come up with fun ways to make these things happen in the game. Now I come to work and do everything I can to make sure you can see as much as possible in the puddles of this game we’ve been working on for two years. My understanding is that gamers will be irate if it falls short of their puddle expectations.”
As of press time, Granger had shined a flashlight at the puddle and was overheard saying, “Oh my fucking god, dude,” to no one in particular.
LOS ANGELES — Marvel’s latest superhero flick ‘Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness’ had a substantial script leak today, in which it was revealed that, in the MCU, all of ‘The Eternals’ died in a car accident in between films.
“The Eternals unfortunately cannot save us, the Time Stone told me that they all piled into a station wagon that drove off a cliff and exploded,” Doctor Strange explains to Scarlet Witch in the leaked portion of the script. “I saw their bodies, they are dead and buried and they can never return or intervene again. All of their actions have no effect on our future and I think they would want us to just forget they even existed at all.”
Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige addressed the news about the character’s untimely demise.
“It was a tough decision to get rid of those characters, but we knew that was the right direction for the MCU after we took a look at the comics and the box office returns,” Feige said. “It’s heartbreaking, but I think this storyline adds a sense of stakes to the MCU for characters that don’t wear their seatbelt. It’s also important to note that the car crash happened in China, something we hope will resonate with audiences in Asia.”
“I know fans are really going to miss…Barry Keoghan’s character…oh come on…I know this,” Feige added. “Um, give me a second. Druig! Yes, people are going to miss Druig.”
At press time, Kevin Feige hinted that fan-favorite Doctor Strange may also die after the upcoming sequel, depending on how he performs overseas.
SAN FRANCISCO — Nintendo fan Dylan Summers unveiled his wishlist for the hotly-anticipated sequel to 2017’s The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, all of whose items include changing various elements of the original to more closely match Princess Mononoke.
“For starters, the plot needs to be more engaging. It goes without saying that BOTW played it safe with an uninspired story. We’ve seen it before: Hyrule is in danger, Link is summoned to a heroic quest and must journey across the land in order to stop Ganon. You know what we haven’t seen? An entry set in the late Muromachi period of Japan, following a young Emishi prince named Ashitaka in his involvement in a struggle between the gods of a forest and the humans who consume its resources,” explained Summers in a 35-minute YouTube video. “Nintendo should look to make the protagonist a rich and complex character, which is why Billy Crudup would be a perfect fit for the role. Also, Nintendo should fire Zelda’s last voice actress and cast Claire Danes as the lead female character instead.”
The video similarly addressed the potential for Nintendo to pursue stronger environmental themes and longer cutscenes in the follow-up to the 2017 critically-lauded title.
“The cutscenes from BOTW were a welcome addition to the Zelda franchise but were unfortunately too short and marred by long stretches of gameplay.” Summers pointed out. “For BOTW2, Nintendo should ditch the exploration segments and combat to make room for longer cinematics. 133 minutes of them, to be exact. And since the Switch hardware may not be able to run that kind of software, Nintendo should release the game exclusively on HBO Max.”
According to those close to Summers, this is a fairly common criticism for the video game YouTuber.
“Anytime Dylan watches something with grass in it, he’s comparing it to a Studio Ghibli movie,” said Summers’ girlfriend Eileen Travis. “And I get it, the Ghibli movies are great! But they, you know, already exist. We don’t need to turn literally everything Ghibli-inspired into a movie you can watch anytime you want because you own three versions of every DVD. Not to mention, I think that if Hayao Miyazaki found out about video games, he would be horrified.”
At press time, Summers requested in a follow-up video that the newly-shown off skydiving feature also include airplanes, sky battles, and the titular character from Porco Rosso.
Let me start by saying: I am a bit of a card maniac. Hearts, Poker, Gin Rummy, Freecell Solitaire — these are games we card maniacs love most of all. But the game industry doesn’t love us. Card maniacs like me have always dreamt of being able to play cards on our desktop computers during work, or even on our phones when we don’t have room to lay down a deck of our favorite Bicycles, but so far nobody has made it possible. Until now.
Inscryption rights this decades-old wrong. The game, developed by Daniel Mullins and published by Devolver Digital, first pinged my radar when it garnered a series of Game of the Year awards. And it’s no surprise the game is such a winner — the breakthrough Inscryption is the first game to let you play cards digitally, without other people.
That said, this nuanced game may need some caveats for fans of classic card games, due to some very opinionated priorities in its design.
First, the good: what the game definitely gets right is the feeling of drawing a card. It also nails the feeling of putting a card down. These two mechanics in Inscryption are pure perfection. If the sheer novelty of doing this on the computer sounds as awesome to you as it does to me, you can go ahead and pick the game up right now!
There are, however, features missing that any avid card players would have wanted in the world’s first digital card game. The devs have neglected implementing things like clubs, spades, hearts, and diamonds in favor of adding features like having cards talk to you and each other. Now, I do sometimes pretend my playing cards are talking (usually they are saying things like “Hello, Jack, how is it going?”) but it feels like a weird concept to prioritize.
The only thing that might truly be a dealbreaker to some is that your virtual opponent in Inscryption will kill you if you lose. This was just completely dissonant with my personal experiences playing cards and really killed the immersion.
In all, though, the faults are but a distraction from what is a valiant trailblazer of a title. Inscryption is a nuanced and complicated card game that might not check all your boxes, but if the idea of playing cards on the computer is appealing to you, this is your best and only option.
This review is sponsored by Devolver Digital. That’s right: all of your worst fears about video game reviews being paid for are accurate. The world is crumbling around you. There’s no hope for the video game journalism industry anymore… except… is that a light? Yes… yes! You can wash away your fears and misery by exploring the spooky scary world of Inscryption!Have fun, gamers!
WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — In news you’ve waited more than two decades to hear, the little shit you traded your prized Pokémon card to when you were six has finally died, your hometown’s local paper confirmed.
According to the obituary section of The Virginian Pilot, Mason Gorski — who in 1999 wrongfully convinced you that a fucking Raticate was worth your 1st edition shadowless holographic Charizard — passed away last week in a car accident.
“I heard Mason bought the Porsche he crashed by selling his super valuable Pokémon card collection. Such a tragedy,” texted your childhood friend, clearly not knowing that you’ve been haunted by your unfortunate trade on the playground slide outside Mrs. Patel’s classroom every night for 23 years. “Yeah, still in shock,” you replied.
While neither the newspaper’s obituary nor the online memorial page set up by the funeral home mentioned your swindled card that was easily worth an entire year’s salary, they did describe Gorski as a “clever soul who always put his friends first.”
“Clearly whoever wrote this didn’t know the real Mason,” you thought, though you hadn’t talked to him since that night in 2015 when you drunkenly Facebook messaged him asking to battle honorably for the card that was rightfully yours, only to receive an “lol who is this” in reply.
At press time, you were busy calling your mom to tell her the good news, which she thought you’d worked past already with a therapist.
SALT LAKE CITY — The capital of Utah has launched a bid to be declared the host of next year’s Mortal Kombat festivities.
“We’re changing things up around here in Salt Lake City,” said mayor Erin Mendenhall. “We want to show the world, and the Outworld, that we’re not just a bunch of stuffy Mormons. We’re actually a really fun place! We had the 2002 Winter Olympics and constructed a ski jump you wouldn’t believe. I think we’d be able to build a Pit that would really knock everyone’s socks off. Please consider us for Mortal Kombat 2023.”
“Salt Lake City,” the mayor continued, launching into the new promotional campaign’s slogan. “Get over here!”
Residents of the city had mixed feelings about the city’s intentions to host the historically violent combat tournament.
“I can’t imagine this will be a good influence on the community,” said Mary Lambert, a lifelong Salt Lake City resident and mother of three. “I don’t mind my kids watching a hockey game or something once in a while, but I don’t think I want ninjas and shapeshifters tearing each other apart in our soccer stadium while we hoot and holler. How do we go back to normal as a city once we’ve participated in this? That’s my question.”
Veteran Mortal Kombat fighters welcomed the change of scenery from the typical settings for the annual battles.
“Oh wow, yeah, that would be alright,” said Liu Kang, a participant in every known Mortal Kombat tournament. “Maybe I could get some skiing in, or go see the largest saltwater lake in the United States. Maybe take in a Jazz game. Man, I hope they pick Salt Lake City and not that boring Netherrealm again. The accommodations there are a bit below par, believe you me.”
As of press time, the International Mortal Kombat Kommittee (IMKK) had begun deliberations and was expected to make an announcement regarding the 2023 ceremonies soon. In related news, the IMKK also ruled that tearing an opponent’s spine out of their asshole would no longer be an acceptable move in competition.
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