Activision Board Surprises Bobby Kotick With Box Full of Money “Just Because”

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — The Board of Directors of the embattled Activision Blizzard presented their CEO with a little gift, just to show they’re thinking about him.

“Honestly we didn’t base this on any performance or anything, it’s just that Bobby’s so cool,” said chairman Brian Kelly. “Bobby earned over 150 million dollars last year, mainly due to deserving it the most. But he took a big pay cut recently and, you know, maybe paying him is just a habit at this point.”

Added Kelly, “I actually was making a mortgage payment this month, and wouldn’t you know it? I accidentally mailed the check to Bobby. Old habits, man.”

Kotick has come under fire from customers, government officials, employees, shareholders, and partner businesses for ill handling of a “frat boy” culture of harassment and discrimination. Though many are calling for his resignation, the board remains so confident in his leadership they even got him a cute little card to go with the box full of various denominations of currency.

“We hope Mr. Kotick likes the box of money we got him,” a representative of the board said in a statement this morning. “This gift is in line with who we are as Activision Blizzard. In fact, if you check our SEC filings: the primary purpose of Activision Blizzard is to celebrate the wonderful Bobby. Any games that get made are just a side effect of that. It’s regrettable how recent news has obscured this pure and virtuous goal.”

The press release largely ignored recent incidents of employee protest, instead focusing on Kotick’s “beautiful smile” and “shimmering chestnut eyes.” At press time, sources say Kotick has taken the box and added the money to the pile.

Mario’s Friends Surprise Him With Same Party They’ve Thrown Every Year Since 1998

Posted on by Chandler Dean

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Despite his hope that his 35th birthday might lead to a change in routine, Mario Mario’s friends have once again surprised him with the same party that they’ve thrown every year since 1998.

The usually-plucky plumber was uncharacteristically dour as the night began to unfold.

“Oh great. Another Mario evening spent circling a creepy giant game board and stealing shit from each other,” said Mario, who put on a happy face and said “let’s-a-go!” whenever one of the Toads who organized the Mario shindig was in earshot. “Y’know, I have an unusually high number of group-based hobbies that would be fun to do on my Mario birthday. I golf. I kart. I smash. But no — let’s roll some dice and dick around Goomba Gallows or wherever-the-fuck we’re doing it this year.”

Beyond the tedious annual activities, Mario also expressed dismay about his lack of influence over the party’s guest list.

“Every year, they invite fucking Bowser to just hang around and take people’s shit if you walk by him,” fumed Mario, who recently lost a sadistic torturous “minigame” organized by the King Koopa. “They know he serially kidnaps my girlfriend, right? Who is forwarding the Mario evite to this guy?”

Mario went on to list a litany of attendees who wouldn’t be welcome at a “true Mario bash” if he had his say: Kamek, Thwomp, Whomp, Boo, King Boo, Bowser Jr., Shy Guy, Fly Guy, Cheep Cheep, Cheep Chomp, or “any variations thereof.” He also added that he “hasn’t forgotten what Donkey Kong did to Pauline” and would prefer an apology before the next Mario gathering.

Still, Mario did acknowledge that despite the repetitive nature of the latest Mario soiree, he was thankful for some improvements that had been made since other recent Mario functions.

“Look, at least they don’t make us all hop in a car and ride around the party space together anymore,” Mario conceded. “These parties are always kinda dogshit — that’s part of the charm! — but that was really dogshit.”

At press time, just before the end of the party, all of the gifts that Mario had accumulated over the course of his birthday were given to Waluigi in a last-minute chance time event.

Report: Lebron James’ Son Is Lead Developer on ‘MultiVersus’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — New reports about the upcoming Warner Brothers crossover platform fighting game has confirmed that the game is being developed by Lebron James’ son Dominic “Dom” James.

“We’re incredibly excited to be working with Dom, who has a real vision for MultiVersus. We loved the work he did on his previous game, an arcadey mobile basketball game, even if his father didn’t see the real value in it. I guess Lebron never really supported Dom the way he should have,” said the AI who hired him, a glowing Don Cheadle looking figure named Al-G Rhythm. “For now, we have Dom. But maybe if Lebron can put together a team of Warner Brothers fighters to face off against mine, he can win his son’s love back. And don’t bother trying to watch the fight, because I’m going to make sure to fill the crowd with literally thousands of incredibly distracting Warner Brothers characters.”

Despite Dom’s insistence on wanting to be a video game developer, Lebron James has reportedly shown disappointment in his career choice.

“Messing around with video games again? Come on, Dom… why isn’t he focusing on basketball more? Or if he’s into fighting stuff, then why not boxing? This video game junk is a waste of time,” Lebron James said. “I mean what is this? You’re running around as Batman and Rick and Morty, as well as Arya Stark, Shaggy from Scooby Doo and more? Sure, these are all great and awesome characters, but video games, man, they’re a damn waste of time! I liked video games once as a kid, but now I don’t because someone yelled at me. That’s my whole backstory here.”

At press time, Dom had already inexplicably added the gang from A Clockwork Orange to the game, just because they’re Warner Brothers characters, seemingly ignoring the fact that they are canonically rapists and murderers.

Arya Stark Unbeatable in MultiVersus Due to Devastating “Sneak Up Out of Nowhere Somehow” Attack

Posted on by Andy Holt

BURBANK, Calif. — Warner Bros has confirmed that the character of Arya Stark will be essentially impossible to defeat in the upcoming MultiVersus video game, due to her special attack, in which she just sneaks up and kills her enemy out of nowhere.

“We wanted to make Arya’s fighter as true to Game of Thrones as possible, so for her most powerful attack, we chose the one she used to kill the Night King, which is to be very, very, very sneaky,” said David Haddad, head of WB’s gaming division. “Like, so incredibly sneaky that she is basically not there, and then she’s there, and you’re dead. And that’s the end of the match.”

When asked how Arya is able to elude such foes as Superman and Wonder Woman, the developers explained more about the mechanics.

“People are going to say Arya is OP, but if you look in the actual code, you can clearly see that she is just being super, super quiet. Like, she’s on the absolute tips of her tippy toes, the way she learned how to do at the sneaky school. Not even the Night King could hear her,” said Tony Huynh, CEO of Player First Games. “What makes Wonder Woman any different?”

Game of Thrones fans were excited to recreate the feeling of watching the final season, through the unlikely medium of a brawler video game.

“I don’t usually like fighting games, because they’re complex battles that push the characters to their limits, each foe overpowering the other in turn, back and forth, leading to a satisfying victory,” said Game of Thrones fan Eric Thompson, who loved how the show ended. “That’s not what I like from my games, and it’s not what I like from my television.”

WB also revealed a George R.R. Martin fighter, who has no moves and doesn’t do anything.

Hundreds of Pokémon Species Go Extinct After Bill Accidentally Bricks PC

Posted on by Joshua Hudson

CERULEAN CITY — Hundreds of species of Pokémon have suddenly gone extinct after local researcher Bill accidentally bricked his PC, which housed millions of Pokémon worldwide.

“Oh god, oh my fucking god, oh fuck, fucking fuck, god damn it, fuck!!” Bill was heard yelling in a PokéCenter in Cerulean Center, just after accidentally pouring fresh water all over a router. “Do you know how many fucking Pokémon there were on these things?! The whole goddamn network is down! Dhelmise, Pyukumuku, Dunsparce… you think these Pokémon lived anywhere outside of a computer?! No! They’re all gone, all of them… oh my god, I’ve killed them all. Does anyone have a bag of rice?! Who the hell let me be the only source of Pokémon storage on the goddamn planet?!”

Pokémon researchers have been devastated by the news.

“Yesterday there were 898 different kinds of Pokémon in the world that we knew of. Today there are merely 622,” said Pokémon researcher Bug Catcher Tom. “As a bug catcher, it’s devastating to know that there are several bug-type Pokémon I will never see again in my life outside of photographs. This is a massive tragedy for the scientific community and we need to do our absolute best to see that it never happens again. There’s simply no other way to put it; this is the largest singular act of Pokécide in human history.”

Despite these implications, many Pokémon trainers are ambivalent about the loss of Pokémon species.

“Yeah, I don’t give a shit if I never run into Wormadam again. That’s not a big deal to me,” said a local trainer named Red. “I mean it’s definitely weird that most legendary Pokémon are just wiped off the planet for good. And honestly, that’s my bad for leaving them in the PC for so long considering there’s only one of each. I wasn’t planning on using most of them, so I probably should have just released them. Again, that’s on me. But other than that, I’m mostly just pissed off I had one of my mains in storage while I walked a fucking egg around. I’m trying to get a shiny for bragging rights, not fuck up my whole goddamn EV-trained team!”

At press time, the Pokémon community finally agreed to start embracing cloud Pokémon storage.

Guy in Friendly Smash Bros Game Just Wants to Set Up Some Custom Controls Real Quick

Posted on by Robin Brooks

SEATTLE — A friendly round of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was interrupted Wednesday evening when local gamer Markus Newell backed the game out of the character select screen so he could “set up some custom controls real quick.”

“I thought it was weird that he insisted on setting his name before the first match,” said Franklin Hughes, one of the friends whose fun came to a stop for five minutes so Newell could tweak the game to his liking. “The rest of us were just P1, P2, and stuff. But I guess you have to have a name to assign your special cool guy controls to. Like he changed his C-Stick to be Tilt Attack? I thought that was what it was already. You tilt it and it does the bigger attack than when you hit A. I think he even turned off jumping or something. Weird.”

After pausing everyone else’s slowly eroding good time, Newell proceeded to alter several settings and button assignments, the purpose of which eluded all other players present.

“Why does it matter if you turn off Stick Jump? Or turn up the sensitivity?” asked Jennifer Brown, whose apartment hosted the impromptu game. “I bet he needs it to wave-air into a neutral-cancel. I heard that once. I play this game, like, once every two months or something. When did they add Min Min? I played a little then, I think.”

While Newell’s behavior took the other players by surprise, Brown noticed early signs that things would take an annoying turn.

“I guess we should have seen it coming when he pulled a GameCube controller out of his bag,” she said. “We hadn’t even planned on playing Smash before people came over, so I guess he just carries it everywhere? Jesus Christ.”

The tense air around the once-fun multiplayer game increased as Newell proceeded to win the first two matches, each of which he played as the same character.

“He used that red anime girl who turns into the other anime girl. From that Xeno-something game. She’s probably high tier or something. Markus thinks he’s hot shit,” said Greg Mills.  “But I’ve learned some tricks, too. Like if I tap the shield button and a direction, I can dodge his moves instead of just shielding. I hope he’s ready to get beat by me and Little Mac.”

At press time, Markus was reportedly floating the idea of “playing a match or two with items turned off.”

Female Video Game Character With Undercut Gonna Piss a Lot of People Off for Some Reason

Posted on by Kevin Podas

LOS ANGELES — A new video game trailer on Twitter features a female character with the side of her head shaved. Feedback has been very vocal and incredibly mixed, for some reason.

“I can’t believe they’d do this,” one prominent YouTuber said in the replies. “A girl with an undercut? Did they really have to go all political on us?”

While many were upset with the decision to give a female character a specific haircut seen in many forms of popular media or even just women walking down the street, some fans were weirdly ecstatic about the incredibly minute detail.

“Yassssss,” read one of the top replies. “Slay. Get it. This is everything. This haircut is really going to stick it to all those nasty incels.”

As the comments section and Twitter replies grew ablaze in response for one reason or another, the game developers decided to weigh in on the issue themselves.

“Yeah, I guess you kind of have to take into account the whole culture war going on,” the creative director said. “I will say I was a little disappointed that no one seemed to be commenting on the cinematics, music, or gameplay showcase that we put a lot of time and effort into. Oh well.”

At press time, several games with multiple Hitler youth haircuts had received almost no feedback at all.

Missing Shortcut Jump on Rainbow Road Not Covered by Auto Insurance

Posted on by Kevin Podas

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — In an effort to cheese the course and end up in first place, veteran Mario Kart racer Yoshi attempted the elusive Rainbow Road jump, only to come up just short without insurance or roadside assistance to cover him.

“Yeah, you see this kind of thing all the time,” Lakitu said, grabbing his fishing pole. “Guy wants to get ahead of Mario, uses a Super Mushroom to try to boost over the jump, and realizes he overshot it, undershot it, angled it the wrong way, whatever. Next thing you know, I gotta come out there on my cloud, fish him outta space, and tell him the bad news that a jump like this is gonna cost a whole lot more than three coins.”

Other racers who took the traditional path while noticing Yoshi’s leap of faith were in awe at the very concept of it.

“Why didn’t I think of that?” said Bowser, finishing the race in 6th place. “Landing a jump like that would guarantee you the winning spot. But missing a shortcut that the developers didn’t plan in the game? That’s gonna make your insurance rates skyrocket.”

Yoshi’s miscalculation would eventually land him a spot in last place, but it wasn’t all for nothing.

“I won without cutting corners, but surprising no one,” said Toad, who completed the race in 1st place. “People want to see someone win, and win big. Taking a risk like that, and winning, would be an exciting feat for anyone to watch. While I did finish in first place after using a lightning bolt to shock all of my opponents turning them tiny and slow, it was simply a victory we’ve all seen before countless times. I couldn’t even beat my time trial ghost.”

At press time, Yoshi was still barreling through space while waiting for his insurance premiums to kick in.

New ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’ Trailer Reveals That It’s Approved for All Audiences by the Motion Picture Association of America, Inc.

Posted on by Zach Raffio

LOS ANGELES — The latest trailer for Marvel’s upcoming Spider-Man: No Way Home has revealed a bombshell new development for the buzzy new installment: the trailer has been approved for all audiences by the Motion Picture Association of America, INC.

“This is a gamechanger,” noted MCU superfan Don Crewls, pausing the bright green pre-screen to scan for details. “Who are these Motion Picture Association of America people? Have they emerged from the multiverse? Are they friend, or foe? Are they shapeshifting skrulls? Is being part of the MPAA its own job or is it kind of like a Parent-Teacher Association where everyone volunteers after regular work? Are you supposed to pronounce MPAA as a word like SHIELD? I can’t wait to find out.”

Fans have been picking apart the trailer since the anticipated drop.

“If you zoom in on the ‘all audiences’ notice, the words start to get blurry. This could be HUGE,” noted Spider-Man devotee Alyssa Herro. “Could it be a nod to Mephisto manipulating our perception of Peter’s story? I have a 4k screen so it can’t be anything else.”

Even the big wigs at Marvel couldn’t stop themselves from joining in on the fun.

“We’re only a few weeks out, so I knew we had to do something big,” noted Kevin Feige, who charmingly noted that he had to make sure Tom Holland didn’t spill the beans. “It’s a thrill to incorporate the rating-approval folks of the MPAA, who fans know from their work on the last two Spider-Man trailers, all of the other MCU trailers, and all trailers since their inception in 1922. For our sake, they’re like the trailer version of China.”

At press time, when questioned if the MPAA would also be weighing in on the upcoming trailer for Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, MPAA CEO Charles Rivkin winked and said he simply could not say at this time.

Activision Blizzard Announces They’re Changing Bobby Kotick’s Name

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA  MONICA, Calif. — Following various allegations and stories about CEO Bobby Kotick, Activision Blizzard has announced they are solving the issue by changing Kotick’s name once and for all.

“We are sickened hearing all of the awful stories coming out about Bobby Kotick. As a company, we cannot stand by and do nothing. We need to act, and that’s why, effective immediately, we are officially changing Bobby Kotick’s name to Freddy Floyd,” said Activision Blizzard president Daniel Alegre. “We hope that with our new CEO name, we can finally move on as a company, having addressed these issues at their core. Cool? That’s cool? That work for everybody? Great!”

At press time, Activision Blizzard CEO Freddy Floyd told an underling that he would murder him if he got his name wrong again.

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