Gabe Porter

October 14, 2021

Gamer Knows Way Around Midgar Better Than Own Neighborhood

GALESBURG, Ill. — Local gamer Brett Gunderson has confirmed that he can navigate through the virtual town of Midgar from Final Fantasy VII better than…

October 14, 2021

PS5 In-Stock at Neighbor’s House

YOUR NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE — New reports confirm that the PlayStation 5 is finally in stock, available for $0.00 (not including burglary supplies), at your neighbor’s…

September 16, 2021

Feminist Hero Actually Prefers Velma

BRAINERD, Minn. — Brave local man Joseph Brita has confirmed his preference for Velma over the more conventionally attractive Daphne when it comes to Scooby…

September 15, 2021

‘Mario Party Superstars’ Adds Lifelike AI That Takes Fucking Forever With Their Turn

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo confirmed today that Mario Party Superstars will feature computer players with advanced AI that allows them to recreate the experience of…

August 23, 2021

Lonely Gamer Sits on Hands So It Feels Like Someone Else Is Playing

FAYETTEVILLE Ark. — Isolated gamer Greg Biscuit has resorted to numbing his hands and then playing video games to alleviate the crushing despair of his…

August 21, 2021

Total Bummer: Mysterious VHS Tape Found In Forest Just Porn

RICHMOND, Va. — Local paranormal enthusiast Walker Burroughs’ latest trip through the woods reportedly ended with disappointment after he realized that the unmarked tape he…

August 11, 2021

Indie Director’s Career Tragically Cut Short by Marvel Ten Year Contract

LOS ANGELES — Sources have sadly confirmed that indie director Yohanna Hultz’s promising career has tragically been cut short as a result of a ten-year…