Home Depot Unveils New Ladder With Painted Rungs to Mark Fall Damage Height

ATLANTA 一 Home Depot wowed investors and gamers alike early today during the reveal of the home goods company’s first fiberglass stepladder painted to indicate fall damage height.

‘We’re excited to unveil Ladder: Climbing Evolved, as the product is formally known, which features painted rungs of increasingly bright shades of red going up each escalating step to indicate how much damage an individual could sustain if they were to fall,” said Home Depot’s Chief Product Officer Marshall Prohaska. “While traditional Home Depot products tout safety and ease-of-use, the Ladder: Climbing Evolved differs by emphasizing the very real danger to your hit points which is inherently present during any day-to-day climbing scenario.”

The company’s leadership expressed enthusiasm for the promise of future product growth in the realm of gamer home goods and utilities.

“Gamers are a thrill-seeking breed, but they also require data to assist them in their ladder-climbing decision-making,” noted Home Depot CEO and President, Ted Decker, in a press release accompanying today’s announcement. “We at Home Depot believe that the innovations offered by Ladder: Climbing Evolved and its revolutionary fall damage indicators will usher in a new age of real-world Nathan Drakes and Lara Crofts, whether they are battling the existential threat of clogged gutters or simply placing the final crowning busty Tifa statuette atop their grotesque, towering anime figurine shrines.”

The ladder’s damage indicators are reportedly embellished with stick figure cartoons on each step similar to the quick-action illustrations in an action game’s UI, including a stick man with a gently bruised knee, a stick man with an exposed bone cursing in pain, and finally a cackling skull-and-crossbones face, in ascending order.

“I like that they finally made a ladder for gamers,” one user named DonkeyBongJr wrote in a comment on the press release video uploaded to the official Home Depot YouTube channel. “I do have to say, though, that the flashing RGB lights along the ladder’s struts are very distracting. Also, the built-in laser blast sound effects on each step sometimes freak me out. I can officially confirm that the damage indicators are accurate because I got a concussion just like the little stick man after falling off of the second run. Overall, I give it four stars!”

If Ladder: Climbing Evolved proves profitable, Decker says Home Depot plans on releasing other tools and equipment catering to gamers. “Our R&D team is hard at work on Splatoon-style paint pistols, giant circular saws that move along a track in deadly loops, and bricks that explode when you bash your head into them from below.”

At press time, Decker had reportedly teased investors with ambitious projections for 5-year revenue targets after revealing that Home Depot’s design team had successfully taught a pair of turtles to throw their signature line of hammers.

Scrambling James Cameron Finally Starts Working on Avatar 2

LOS ANGELES — A scrambling James Cameron was spotted frantically beginning work on Avatar: The Way of Water, which is due to be released this December after years of delays.  

“Oh fuck my rich ass, I should have worked on this by now,” bemoaned the writer and director of 2009’s Avatar, one of the highest grossing films of all time. “I got so used to just talking about the sequel and kicking the can down the hallway that I fucking spaced and now people are expecting this thing kind of soon. I’m in a real pickle here. I saw a poster for it the other day at the theater and I started freaking out. I guess this thing’s called Way of the Water.” 

Paramount expects the highly anticipated film to be one of the most successful of the year.

“We’re all so excited to see what James has been working on all these years,” said Chloe Barkell, an executive with the studio. “And frankly, whether the film is in very good shape or not, we just really need it to come close to making a billion dollars. That’s our whole thing here. I think the recent reports that he was up all night watching the first one to remember all of the characters’ names just speak to what a dedicated artist he is and don’t worry me at all, actually. I’m a little bothered that he faked that trailer footage and was mostly just playing PS4 when he swore he was writing the six sequels or whatever, but I’ve been assured he’s ready to do the work now, and I’m sure he’ll be ready to start filming tomorrow morning as scheduled.” 

“He said he was gonna stay up all night and write,” she added.

Fans of the film said they were willing to look the other way on some of the sequel’s loose ends as long as it was released on schedule. 

“I’ve waited 13 years for this movie, so there’s almost no way it can live up to my expectations,” said Andrew Sharp, who considers the original his favorite film. “The fact that he’s just now starting on it doesn’t do a lot to change my mind about that, but oh well. I guess that’s just the nature of sequels. I sure hope he can get everyone together and stuff on short notice. Man, five months isn’t very long to make a movie like that, huh?” 

As of press time, a new plot synopsis was released for Avatar: The Way of the Water that sounded suspiciously close to Terminator 2.

Gamers Demand Production of ‘Skate 5’

MONTREAL — Following the trailer for the fourth Skate game, titled skate., gamers have demanded that Electronic Arts begin production on a sequel to the upcoming game.

“Yeah, yeah, the new Skate game is gonna have microtransactions or something. Annoying, I guess, but honestly that’s not even why I care. For me, the fun of the Skate series at this point has nothing to do with playing Skate games; it’s all about begging online for a new game to get announced,” said gamer Jeffrey Rogers. “We’ve built a whole community around begging EA to make Skate 4 and now that it’s finally happening, that chapter of our lives has come to a close. I don’t even really like playing Skate games — to me, the game is asking for the game. And so the game of Skate 4 begins for us: demanding EA make Skate 5.”

“I kinda bounced off Skate 3 when I tried to get into it — I’m more of a Tony Hawk guy,” said another gamer, Nile Guthrie. “But for Skate 4, I’ve been to meet-ups, barbecues, and even a protest at the Montreal EA headquarters. That’s the kind of energy I want to keep going for Skate 5, which they really need to make or else I’m going to light myself on fire.”

Despite some developers being shocked by the immediate demands by fans to produce a fifth Skate game, EA community manager Ella Strickland says she isn’t surprised.

“We’re not oblivious; no one gets a job at EA to field friendly comments. If you were expecting the decade-plus campaign for Skate 4 to end with the announcement of a fourth Skate game, then it must be your first day on the job,” Strickland explained. “Whenever we announce anything, I always start by writing down a list of the absolute worst possible things people could say to us in the comments. That way, when we actually get the comments from gamers, it’s only a little worse than what I imagined. That’s just the way things work when you’re an EA community manager. On the other hand, as an EA community manager, no one really expects you to actually answer any of the comments. You’re kind of just the punching bag.”

At press time, Skate fans began participating in a supposed promotional ARG for Skate 5 that involved finding real life addresses where EA employees live, unbeknownst to anyone working at the company.

Aging Gamer Doesn’t Realize Clicking Thumbsticks Are Actually Just His Thumbs

CLEVELAND — A forum poster seeking solutions for his new controller’s loudly-clicking thumbsticks is blissfully unaware that the sound he’s hearing is actually coming from his own joints.

“Can anyone help with this weird noise the PS4 controllers seem to have?” copywriter Daniel Folley’s innocent post began. “I’ve pulled this whole damn thing apart trying to find it. It kind of sounds like two limestone pebbles scraping together, but I’ve cleaned the sticks and lubricated all the buttons with some lithium grease and still nothing improved. Where the hell is it coming from? I just got this for my 40th birthday and it’s already broken!”

The post continues to detail the “firm popping sensation” that using the thumbstick elicits, which Folley goes on to describe as being “like pushing paracetamol out of a blister pack”. During gameplay, strafing reportedly makes the sound louder, and using any game with a weapon wheel mechanic feels “not dissimilar to stirring a mug of rice.”

“I don’t have the heart to tell him,” close friend Kelly Tendon revealed. “We’re all getting older. You never think it’ll catch up with you. The way Dan played Mario Party in college, you’d assume he was bulletproof. Even if you can win the Paddle Battle, we all eventually lose the Paddle war.”

Folley’s tendency to deny age-related maladies has become more prevalent in the last year or so, especially to the employees of the local electronic stores that he frequents

“That guy bought a whole new setup last year and he keeps returning everything in it piece by piece,” said Best Buy customer service representative Zoe Everest. “We can’t figure out what his issue is. First the sound system has a high-pitched ringing, then the gaming chair’s too hard to get out of, then TV screen saturation is too strong, which makes his eyes really sleepy around 9:30 every night. It’s not Panasonic’s fault that you’re in denial about your age, dude.”

At press time, Folley had finally accepted his body’s condition and made a doctor’s appointment after worsening joint pains had led his kneecaps to begin making the Nintendo Switch snapping noise.

Climate Scientists Have No Idea What Is Going On With Wet-Dry World

WET-DRY WORLD — After decades of studying the impact of greenhouse gasses and fossil fuels’ effect on the environment, climate scientists have published a new report this week stating that they have no idea what is going on with Wet-Dry World.

“After much discussion, we honestly have no clue what is going on with the eleventh course in Peach’s Castle, otherwise known as Wet-Dry World,” said lead scientist Martin Felshman. “Our findings indicate that the water levels rise, or even fall, depending on the angle at which Mario jumps into a large portrait hanging on the wall. It is possible that Mario’s ass could be key in solving the ongoing global crisis of climate change, but further studies on the subject are necessary.”

Research has shown that civilization may have existed at one point in Wet-Dry World.

“It appears that an abandoned town of some kind once existed here,” explained Felshman, “but due to the rapidly fluctuating water levels based on the angle at which Mario enters the painting, they have all likely drowned to death some time ago, leaving nothing behind but 8 red coins and 6 power stars to find.”

The owner of the castle, Princess Peach, says she has no idea where the painting originally came from.

“Truthfully, I don’t even remember hanging these portraits up, they’ve been adorning the walls for as long as I can remember,” said Peach. “I’ve heard there are different locations inside a lot of them, but usually they’re just filled with a bunch of baubles and objects for Mario to run around and collect to keep him busy for a while. That guy’s mad annoying.”

At press time, climate scientists have posited that we ourselves may live inside one giant painting, and that a Mario-like figure on the outside could lead to our salvation, or our ultimate demise.

New ‘Magic the Gathering’ Red Card Lets You Just Punch Your Opponent

RENTON, Wash. — The latest expansion to Magic: The Gathering has come under fire for including a red card that allows players to just sock their opponents right in the kisser.

“We understand that our new card, Tyr’s Bracelet, has proven controversial,” said Wizards of the Coast representative Sarah Queen at a press conference yesterday. “Every improvement is. Since 1993, we have strived to constantly refine and better reflect MTG’s various play styles. Red mana has become synonymous with direct damage dealt quickly. What’s more direct than laying a perfect haymaker into someone’s temple?”

Tyr’s Bracelet is an Instant card with a 2 Mountain mana cost and an effect that simply reads, “Punch Opponent,” with no further detail provided. The only other text on the sparsely designed card is the flavor quote, “Bada bing bada boom / Hope you like eating with a spoon,” attributed to Chandra Nalaar.

“I have mixed feelings,” longtime player Gavin McKenzie said. “The cheap cost to damage dealt could ruin the meta, but on the other hand, it has been a great incentive against my housemate bringing out that Flying / Deathtouch vampire deck bullshit. Am I worried about the future stability of the game? Sure. Have I built an effective ramp deck, just by wearing signet rings to every friendly? Absolutely. Who’s got a fuckin’ Death Touch now, Daryl?”

Wizards of the Coast released the card along with three others: a Swamp land with a Google Maps screenshot of The Everglades for art, a green card titled “An Oxen Made Of Ferns Or Something,” and a white 0/9 Defender creature that lets you walk away from the table and “play something else for a bit.” Fans decried the new cards as the latest example of power creep and exhausted imagination in the card game.

“I don’t know how to police the new rules,” exasperated tournament organizer Geoff Bloodmahn revealed. “Wizards of the Coast have turned my monthly competitions into unregulated fight clubs. The strongest pick on everyone else. How can I protect those poor, defenseless Blue Mana players? It’s all well and good to muck around drawing cards or shuffling your opponent’s deck, but unless there’s a baseball bat in those ‘Arcane Libraries’ or whatever the fuck it is that they play, I’m advising they stay at home.”

In response to the criticism, Wizards of the Coast has reportedly canceled their planned follow-up to Tyr’s Bracelet, a four-paragraph Sorcery card named “Napalm Recipe.”

50-Foot-Tall Adam Schiff Announces Findings of January 6th Committee in Fortnite

WASHINGTON — In an effort to educate younger Americans about the still-developing allegations surrounding President Trump’s role in the insurrection on the U.S. capitol, a 50-foot-tall avatar of Democratic House select committee member Adam Schiff announced a summary of the committee’s most recent findings and still-open investigations to an audience of millions of gamers in Fortnite yesterday.

“The unanswered questions surrounding this President are a constant threat to our national safety,” said the congressman from California in a loud, booming voice which simultaneously lifted all of the Fortnite players not already eliminated from the ongoing round five feet into the air while projections of partially-redacted White House security memos pulsated in the game’s background. “Our work here is not over by a long shot, and President Trump will have nowhere left to run as the eye of the storm narrows on his legacy.” 

Players online during the interactive political speech event say they found it interesting, even though some of the long-running lore required to understand the event went over their heads.

“I don’t recognize the names of a lot of the villain characters he kept talking about, but maybe it’s because I only started playing during the end of chapter two,” said one player, Billy Alvarado, 13. “He was going on for a while about the D.C. Metropolitan something-or-other, I figured that was some new faction from the early seasons so I kind of tuned out for a while to gather some ammo. This guy seems important and smart, but I’m trying to get a Victory Royale here and I can’t get distracted. I hope someone uploads the highlights to YouTube so I can rewatch later.”

Representatives from Fortnite publisher Epic Games say they hope the game can continue to become a public square of thought for pressing matters like these.

“Marshmallow, Travis Scott, Weezer, Star Wars, the Democrats, we’ll scan anybody into this game if they pay us enough money and get people to play Fortnite for a few moments longer than they normally do,” said Epic PR representative Maura Pace. “We hope Mr. Schiff and his team are pleased with the results of this partnership, and we would like to invite any other U.S. politicians with a message to share with our impressionable fanbase to reach out and see what we can do together!”

At press time, Mr. Schiff was reportedly concerned that the event did not have the impact he’d been hoping for after sales of a promotional tie-in Adam Schiff Fortnite skin failed to break triple digits.

Forget Rings of Power, It’s Time for a Tom Bombadil Series, Baby

With Amazon’s The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power’s release date swiftly approaching, Tolkein fans are still treating the series with apprehension. Recreating a work with as much as mystique as The Silmarillion was always going to be met with disdain from purists from such a huge and entrenched fanbase, and incidents like the rumors of non-canonical nudity and Sauron looking like a whiter Eminem have only muddied the water further. 

All of these complications could have been avoided had the series taken a different focus. What if it hadn’t been based on The Silmarillion at all? What if, instead, it was about the best character in all of Tolkein: Tom Bombadil.

Who Is Tom Bombadil?

Tom Bombadil is a roly-poly little fella who wanders out of the woods in Fellowship of the Ring to sing a bunch of songs about how he’s older than the world and has a hot wife. That’s his whole deal and it rules. He saves The Hobbits from a tree by talking to it, and eventually puts on The Ring, only to have it not affect him at all. Frodo asks Gandalf if they could give The Ring to Bombadil for safekeeping instead of destroying it, and Gandalf says Bombadil wouldn’t care enough about it to not lose it. 

Thirty pages are devoted to him that don’t advance the plot at all and it’s the best thirty pages in the books.

What’s his deal? “Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow/ Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.” That’s his deal. He’s a happy guy with a cool outfit, what else do you need? By the way, that song is how he immediately announces himself to the hobbits after they desperately ask for help to escape from a Barrow-Wight. Imagine if you called the fire department because you were trapped in a burning room, and a firefighter announced “I’m a swell fellow named Ted/ My coat is yellow and my helmet is red,” and then later told you he’s friends with God. It would be the best thing to ever happen to you, fire or not.

But Is There Enough Source Material to Carry a Show?

There is if you’re cool. There would be no plot to it whatsoever, Tom Bombadil doesn’t need a plot. He can easily sing enough songs about how the trees are his friend and the river is jealous of their relationship to fill eight hour-long episodes, and that’s all you need. Of course he’s going to repeat some of the songs to fill time. This is Tom Fucking Bombadil that’s what he does. 

Incidentally, there is a book by J.R.R. Tolkein named The Adventures of Tom Bombadil, a collection of 16 poems of which only two feature its namesake character. There could be even more mineable Bombadil content in those two poems, but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t read the book and no one else has either. Incidentally I also haven’t read The Silmarillion, like a true Tolkein fan I have been meaning to for years but haven’t because I am easily intimidated, so honestly he could be mentioned and I’d have no idea. If anyone lies to me and says Bombadil is in The Silmarillion, I will never make an effort to fact-check it because they will have made my world just a little bit sweeter.

Why are you so obsessed with source material, anyway? Wouldn’t it be nice to tackle something that doesn’t feel immediately wrong if they make it different from the books? There’s nothing precious about Bombadil — he’s a jolly little weirdo who can be whatever we want him to be. In the right hands, that would be pretty freeing, I think.

What About a Cameo in The Rings of Power?

If Amazon is too scared to listen to the real fans (me and only me), at least give my man a cameo. He is the oldest living creature in Middle Earth, so it makes sense that he would be alive in the events portrayed. Like all cameos, Tom Bombadil’s would add nothing plot-wise and ruin the pacing, but this time it would be good because that’s the point. He shows up in Fellowship for no other reason than to have a good time, which most cameos are meant to do but instead make you think about how much better the original media was. Bombadil, however, would make you think “god I love Tom Bombadil”.

Peter Jackson cut Bombadil from the LOTR movies entirely because he grinds the story to a dead halt and forces it to listen to him sing songs about himself. That was a mistake, and Amazon should rectify this by leaning in; at the final episode. Right when the plot is at its juiciest and moving quickest, old Tommy should show up and force everyone to stop what they’re doing and listen to him talk about his wife for a solid fifteen minutes. He should wreck the pacing of the show because that’s what he does and it’s awesome. 

Why Do You Need a Reason for Tom Bombadil?

There shouldn’t be any real reason for Tom Bombadil to show up, either in a cameo or his own series, because there was never a reason for him to show up in the original book. He just shows up, hangs out, and hijacks the story, and it’s the best goddamn part of the book. I’d argue it’s even antithetical to the character to give him a reason to pop up in a cameo or a fully-fleshed and thought-out arc in his own series; Tolkein didn’t need a coherent reason to put him in Fellowship, he’s just there. There is no justification for why he’s there, he just is because Tolkein felt like it. 

If you have to ask yourself, “why do we need Tom Bombadil?”, follow that up with “why does the sky need birds?” It doesn’t. The birds mean nothing to the sky, but their presence in the face of an uncaring space doesn’t dampen either of their beauties. Instead they both shine brighter. Tom Bombadil should show up somewhere, anywhere, because he’s a rolly-polly little fella who likes to sing songs about his hot wife.

Bummer: Video Game Easter Egg Just a Reference to Developer’s Pet

MONTREAL — Up-and-coming indie game studio Red Team Blue has disappointed fans after announcing on Twitter that a widely-speculated easter egg in their popular zombie shooter title Army of Decay was nothing more than a personal reference to a pet cat belonging to one of the developers.

“No, the hotly-discussed ‘Chuck’s Room’ does not refer to a planned sequel or expansion of the game, but is rather an unrelated and inconsequential piece of data in reference to our senior concept artist’s cat,” explained studio lead Jamie Salt. “We apologize for any confusion that we may have caused with this. We hope you will accept, in the place of sequel confirmation, a photo of Chuck cuddled up in a cardboard box. Meow.”

Fans of the game were quick to share their disappointment about the hidden message, wondering why it was even there in the first place if it wasn’t meant to be picked apart.

“It’s pretty irresponsible of the devs, not to mention just shitty,” replied one user. “I’m a fan of AoD, so when I first accessed Chuck’s Room after combing through all of the game’s data, I went down the rabbit hole to see if this would have any implications for a future title. But no, apparently it’s just some dude’s pet. And it’s not even a unique one like a ferret or chinchilla. It’s just a dumb cat. What a waste of time.”

Developers at Red Team Blue were shocked by the community’s response.

“You’re telling me people thought there was gonna be a sequel?” asked Richard Walker, senior concept artist at Red Team Blue and primary caretaker of the 4-year-old cat, Chuck. “We definitely don’t have that kind of funding. I just thought it would be cool if my little guy had his own hidden room in the game. I mean, sure, he has his own Twitter and Instagram, but this is, like, his actual legacy.”

At press time, fans are in upheaval once again after discovering that the reward for clearing 100 levels in the game’s endless mode is a secret photo album of the entire teams’ pets.

Broken Controller Forces Friends to Trade Off on Single Player Game Like Impoverished Family in the Dust Bowl

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Gamer Marty Jackitansky put an unsuspecting peer into a nightmarish situation this past week after inviting over acquaintance Joshua Burge knowing full well his second controller was broken, forcing the pair to take turns on a single player game like an impoverished family in 1930s America.

“I was disgusted, there’s no other word for it. You ever read The Grapes of Wrath? Felt fucking just like that,” said Burge of the affair. “I walk in the door, ready for an evening of multiplayer hijinks, and he waits until we sit down to tell me what the deal is. In fact, I don’t even think he told me, he plopped down cross legged on the floor, handed me a sticky PS4 controller, turned on God of War, and said ‘I got next.’ Can you believe that? I basically now know what it’s like to have lived through the Great Depression. There’s something about being forced to share supplies, holding off on your goals while you let someone else take a turn at life, that really makes you understand one of America’s darkest moments in history.”

Jackitansky, however, is baffled by his supposed friend’s repulsion with the situation.

“This is all being blown way out of proportion,” Jackitansky said. “I fail to see anything wrong with a couple of young men taking turns on a fun console video game. At one point, I snapped a picture of him while he was waiting for his turn to start and he looked like the goddamn Migrant Mother photo, frowning and looking off in the distance and shit. Calm down, dude! It’s not a big deal; we’re gonna order Domino’s in like ten minutes.”

As of press time, Jackitansky had finally gained possession of a functioning second controller, but quickly opted to hollow out its hardware in favour of turning it into a hash pipe.