Death Row Inmate Requests 100 Wumpa Fruit for Last Meal

Posted on by Jake Menez

EL DORADO, Kan. — A man on death row stupefied the staff of the maximum security prison where he was sentenced when he survived his own execution totally unscathed after previously requesting 100 wumpa fruit as a last meal, witnesses confirm.

“I was worried they weren’t gonna go for it and the whole scheme would fall apart,” inmate Will Dearborn said of his request, exiting the prison as a free man due to an arcane loophole caused by his extra life. “The chef just kept telling me to be reasonable and to have something normal like steak and potatoes, but I told ‘em there’s nothing in the rulebook that says you can’t gobble down 60lbs of sweet, juicy tropical life-giving fruit for your last meal.”

The fruit, native only to the Wumpa Islands south of Australia and extremely costly to import, is revered in Aboriginal culture for its health benefits. Staff at the prison were seemingly unaware of the healing properties of the fruit when they finally relented to Dearborn’s unusual request.

“I just don’t have time to keep up with all the different types of 1-Ups they’re coming up with these days,” admitted an embarrassed Warden Clay Reynolds when asked for comment. “I haven’t even played a video game myself since Mario 2 — I have to spend most of my days making sure no one’s digging an escape tunnel behind their Nintendo Power posters. I don’t even know why we gave those to everyone who asked for one!”

It wasn’t until Dearborn finished the final fruit and a loud cartoon bell sound began blaring in the distance that corrections officers suspected that a premeditated scheme might be unfolding.

“Normally, guys don’t make a loud ambient ‘bong’ sound when they finish eating, which is what tipped me off,” Officer Blaine Mono explained. “It was so loud that it woke me up from my daily routine of leaning back in a chair and half-snoring while an old sitcom plays on a fuzzy little black-and-white television screen. As soon as they told me what Dearborn had eaten for his last meal, I knew what had happened. I probably should’ve said something, but I figured he’d gotten away with it at that point, you know? Sometimes you just have to respect the hustle.”

At press time, Dearborn’s fortunes had quickly reversed after he was immediately transported to the hospital due to pancreas failure from eating 100 wumpa fruits.

Naughty Dog Announces HD Remake of Upcoming ‘The Last of Us’ TV Series

Posted on by Simon Bower

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Naughty Dog has confirmed that they are in development on a full HD remake of the still-unreleased The Last of Us television series, with both the original and remastered series scheduled to hit HBO later this year and five years from now, respectively.

“We’re confident that the original Last of Us show is going to be iconic, so we’re already planning for the future remake of the show that we’re planning on doing farther down the line,” said Naughty Dog creative director Neil Druckmann. “We’ve learned a ton from remaking the first game, and we’re excited to create the definitive version of the adapted television version of the story that everyone loved — I mean, will love, next year when it comes out for the first time.”

Druckmann emphasized that the eventual remake would make no conflicting creative choices compared to the more imminent first version of the HBO series, instead focusing on using the most current CGI technology available five years from now to keep up with the expectations of audiences in 2027.

“Already assuming that Pedro Pascal gave an incredible performance as Joel in the current version of the show we’re still editing together, so we’ll want to preserve the spirit of that performance with whoever we replace Pedro with or else the diehard fans will never forgive us,” Druckmann explained. “So we’re going to have the new say the same exact lines in the same exact way, with the same exact facial expressions, plus, most importantly, newer cameras and microphones that are just a teensy bit better than the crummy ones they had on set the first time around.”

Fans of the yet-to-debut HBO series have not hesitated to express their excitement for this future updated version of one of their hypothetically favorite shows.

“I can’t believe we’re finally getting promised a remake of The Last of Us on HBO!” one fan, Regina Esparza, joyously exclaimed when interviewed. “I wonder if they’ll make an announcement about a movie adaptation soon, too? Or maybe even a pair of movies? I just love when game studios announce things!”

At press time, Naughty Dog also confirmed that they will begin production on a second season of the remake, just as soon as HBO greenlights a second season of the original.

Parents of Kid Playing PowerWash Simulator Worried He Might Not Get Into Guns

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MADISON, Wis. — Parents of a boy playing the word-of-mouth hit PowerWash Simulator have reportedly grown concerned that their child won’t grow up fascinated with realistic gunplay. 

“I’m worried about little Stuart,” said Cal Gatewood of his teenage son. “I let him goof around on my Xbox thinking he’d find a Call of Duty game to play or something, and I came in the room after a little bit and I swear to god the kid was washing mud off of the ramps of a skate park. I asked him what he had done wrong in the game that it was punishing him, and he said he was just chilling out. I’m confused. Do you unlock a gun later in that game or something?” 

Stuart’s mother Helen was reportedly upset to learn the news as well. 

“We do a lot of gun stuff in this family,” said the mother of four. “Skeet shooting, hunting, those silly family pictures where we all stand like Rambo in front of the Christmas tree, all that shit. We thought Stuart would follow all of his brothers and sisters, but he just keeps getting really into stuff like Stardew Valley and now this awful washing game. Needless to say, he’s grounded off solo games for the rest of the summer. It’s time to get off his butt and go play with his friends.” 

“In a lobby, I mean,” she clarified. “Go play with his friends online in a lobby.” 

The young gamer protested his punishment, saying that he should be free to play whatever game he wants. 

“This is such bullshit,” said 13-year-old Stuart Gatewood. “My dad took me out back and made me play through the entire classic Doom series after he found me playing PowerWash Simulator. Which wasn’t so bad, I mean those games are dope. But I think he’s trying to get me all weirdly into guns, and I’m really just trying to finish cleaning that skate park, man. When I told him that he started sobbing.” 

As of press time, Stuart’s parents had demanded he help them uninstall PowerWash Simulator so that he couldn’t play it anymore.

Stranger Things Edits Season One Discussion About How the Twin Towers Will Always Be There

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Stranger Things creators the Duffer Brothers have continued to controversially revisit previous episodes of their hit show and digitally modify pre-existing scenes, this time altering a season one conversation between characters about how New York City’s Twin Towers would always be there. 

“Those are the twin towers, honey,” says Winona Ryder’s Joyce Byers to her son Will, as he looks at a New York City postcard in the show’s first episode. “We’ll go see them one day when you’re older. Doesn’t matter when, look at how big they are. They will literally always be there, just like me, your mother. I would never let anything happen to you just like New York City would never let anything happen to the world trade center towers. Not ever.” 

The scene garnered minor controversy when the first season was released in 2016, but was quickly overshadowed by the show’s cult status. The how quickly grew to be one of Netflix’s biggest financial successes. 

“Stranger Things was such a hit out of the gate we didn’t even get dinged too bad for that weird World Trade Center stuff they had in there,” said Ted Sarandos, chief executive officer of Netflix. “Luckily the thing just caught on like wildfire and everyone got into the pastiche of ’80s horror and fantasy references and kind of overlooked that wholly unnecessary discussion of the future of the Twin Towers. I’m really glad we can go back and get that out of there before someone notices and it becomes a big deal on a slow news day.” 

“The scene may be gone, but we will never forget it,” he added.

The Duffers first changed an already released scene earlier this year, when an episode was revealed to take place on a date that had been previously revealed to be Will’s birthday, despite his friends seemingly not commemorating the occasion in any way. 

“Yeah, we really blew that one,” said Matt Duffer, or maybe it was the other one . “Luckily we can go back and change stuff like that these days. It’s pretty weird to think that you could go watch your favorite rerun of a show and discover that it’s been changed, but wouldn’t that be great? Imagine if you pulled up an old episode of Friends and they had digitally added a black actor into the background. The possibilities are endless!” 

As of press time, The Duffer’s had also altered a season two scene that featured the Mike Wheeler character insisting to Eleven that a U.S. President would never, ever fist bump a guy that had an American journalist dismembered. 

Guy Who 100%ed ‘The Talos Principle’ Receives Honorary Philosophy Degree

Posted on by Zachery Eubanks

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Local sophist and gamer Justin Pulzer recently stepped across the stage at Harvard University to receive his Honorary degree in Philosophy following his achievement of getting 100% in The Talos Principle.

“The honest philosopher seeks only the truth, even if it bears no comfort. I have learned that it may be true that machines can be sentient and stuff — if we just took a moment to understand what sentience really is. Or whatever,” he said, in a speech. “I would also like to mention my mother, who believed that I needed to go to a university to receive such a degree. However, if I had gone to university I would not have learned to think about conundrums such as ‘if machines could breed and stuff wouldn’t that just make them the same as us cause we can do that too.’ Suck my dick, Socrates. More like Immanuel Can’t. Sorry, that doesn’t really work when you say it outloud.”

President of Harvard University, Lawrence Bacow, introduced Pulzer at the graduation. 

“Mr. Pulzer is one the brightest young men we’ve ever encountered! We would love to have him attend our university, although obviously, he doesn’t need to now that he completed 100% of The Talos Principle,” Bacow explained. “Some of the ideas that he has presented to our professors — such as the one about how robots could have feelings — really blew our minds. We think he has a bright future ahead of him and we’re honored to have accepted him into our ranks. We expect him to make some incredible strides for the field once he gets his hands on the Road to Gehenna DLC.”

At press time, Pulzer received a second honorary degree from Yale University immediately upon finishing the 2014 film Ex Machina.

Hey guess what: this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! If you wanna be smarter than all those Harvard grads, you should check out The Talos Principle. Apparently right after you 100% the game, they ask if you wanna be a writer at The Simpsons.

Fisherman Shocked to Learn Other Pokémon Exist

Posted on by Kevin Podas

ROUTE 205 — Fisherman Ivan was in for the surprise of his life this week when an unnamed Pokémon trainer whom he had made eye contact with and battled, possessed other Pokémon besides just Magikarp. 

“Holy shit, what is that thing?” remarked Fisherman Ivan when the trainer he was battling released a Bulbasaur. “There’s like, some ‘thing’ growing on its back, and it doesn’t even have fins, or gills. Oh my god, it’s whipping my poor Magikarps into submission, how is this even legal?”

After losing three of his six Magikarps in battle, Fisherman Ivan’s rival returned his Bulbasaur and released something even more shocking to Ivan.

“What is that—oh dear god,” said Fisherman Ivan upon witnessing the legendary Pokémon Deoxys. “It’s some monster from outer space, and it’s like, level 89. I honestly didn’t know they make it into the double digits! Man, this is just wrong. I know I pulled this guy into battle against his will, but cut me some slack for crying out loud.”

As the battle came to a decisive finish, the other fishermen on the bridge took note of the events.

“He really could have won out there if he switched it up,” said Fisherman Joseph. “Doesn’t he know other Pokémon exist? Ya know, like Goldeen?”

At press time, Fisherman Ivan had gone into a state of shock when one of his Magikarp evolved into a horrifying blue snake monster.

“IMAX. It All Must Be IMAX,” Mutters Unhinged Christopher Nolan Grafting Camera Into Chest

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Cinema auteur Christopher Nolan reportedly had a mental breakdown on the set of his new film Oppenheimer in which he grafted an IMAX camera into his chest.

“This world, it’s too grainy and thin,” Nolan pontificated to shocked onlookers, haphazardly sewing a lens between his pectorals. “I must shoot it all, in a clean, beautiful high-resolution format. Yes, society may have to pay an extra three dollars for their ticket, but my masterpiece will be worth the expense. Studio notes, budget concerns, these things mean nothing to me now. I am become Nolan, maker of films.”

Oppenheimer star Cillian Murphy provided insight into what may have set Nolan off in the first place.

“Warner Brothers were getting concerned about the budget, and said we couldn’t afford to shoot the whole movie on IMAX,” Murphy explained. “I saw Chris take one of the cameras they confiscated into his trailer with some sewing kits from the wardrobe department with a maniacal look in his eye. When I went to check on him, the poor bastard was hunched over wincing in pain, I tried to intervene but I was just too late. I hope his wife’s OK too. You know how he gets with wives.”

Nolan later held a press conference to bolster his new appendage and what it means for the future of film. 

“Try and take IMAX away from me now,” Nolan cackled. “You’ll have to bring a lot more than some studio executives, because I’m taking this baby worldwide. I won’t rest until every filmmaker has the ability to film amazing action sequences with staggering immersion all at the cost of most of their lifespan and internal organs.”

At press time, sources close to Nolan admitted that while this episode was frightening to behold, the footage captured from it was nothing short of breathtaking.

Boss Doesn’t Have the Heart to Tell Struggling Player He Actually Has Two More Forms

Posted on by Dave Cross

MOUNT DOOMSPIRE — JRPG boss Xargas the Destroyer is unsure how to tell his challenger, the Paladin Alister Fremont, that he actually has two more phases after this one before he’s finally defeated, sources report.

“Aw shucks, Alisters back again. This is, what, the eightieth time he’s spawned here?” said Xargas, reluctantly picking up his warhammer for the fifth time that afternoon after finishing the last few sips of a healing elixir. “He doesn’t even know yet that this thing lights up during my second form once he damages me enough times. It’s a really cool blue flame effect, too. I wonder if he’ll ever be strong enough to see it?”

Xargas says that Fremont has never even come close to breaking past his first health bar, and the only indication that he’s learned anything at all from his efforts thus far is the occasional half-hearted attempt to dodge Xargas’s opening heavy combo. 

“I can tell that he’s beginning to understand the fundamentals of when and how I kill him with the warhammer each time,” reported Xargas. “But each time, like clockwork, I work my way up to my classic Super Shockwave and it’s game, set, match. I hope he’ll eventually be able to go two or three rounds without keeling over because it’s definitely starting to get boring for me.”

The Paladin remained undeterred, telling sources he was “just a few more tries” from defeating the boss.

“He must drop some really special loot, because his bar is Orange instead of Blue, so I really can’t give up,” said Fremont, tragically unaware that it was even possible for someone to have more than one health bar. “I think this time I’ll try jump-dodging instead of running. Then, if I can just land a few more hits, certainly that will take me straight to the end credits!” 

At press time, Xargas was debating whether or not to break it to Fremont that he has an even stronger identical twin brother waiting towards the top of mount Doomspire.

MultiVersus Feels More Like a Brand Twitter Account Than a Video Game

Posted on by Just Lunning

In October 2017, Goku, the main character of Dragon Ball, achieved a form called Ultra Instinct. The ability allowed him to dodge basically any attack. It looked really cool. During the weeks following the reveal, fans created memes of characters from other franchises edited to look like they were activating Ultra Instinct. Early entries included some fun shenanigans like Tobey McGuire’s Spider-Man, eSports player Faker, and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. 

While Ultra Instinct Shaggy was a meme to some, MultiVersus took it as a call to action. Warner Bros’ new Smash-like platform fighter, MultiVersus, treats the Shaggy’s Dragon Ball inspired transformation a core part of his character. It’s touching to know developers are looking at the same memes fans are. Somehow that became the basis of a fully-fledged video game. 

With MultiVersus, licensing is valued above all else. Characters are mascots first and fighting game characters second. Hell, how did Lebron James even make it into the game? He’s a real life human being! Part of Super Smash Bros.’ charm is how integrated universes feel. In Smash Bros, Street Fighter’s Ryu produces stronger attacks when you perform joystick maneuvers, just like he does in his own game. There’s a bunch of examples like that — you can even run a loop in Sonic’s Green Hill Zone! Smash is like playing with a toy box, while MultiVersus is more like an FYC Emmy campaign than a game. 

But it’s not just the characters that are lacking; the stages are naked. They’re filled with minimal decorations and layed out pretty much the same with one to two platforms. Scooby-Doo gets a generic haunted house with some framed photos of previous villains and the Batcave includes a big computer, souvenirs, and two batmobiles. That’s it. There’s so much you could do with either space, but in MultiVersus, you might as well be running around in an empty box.

Despite all this, skins and announcer packs are both incredible customizations that should instantly spark joy. It’s a blast to hear Kevin Conroy’s Batman say things like “Match Point,” or to fight as Jake from Adventure Time’s female counterpart Cake as a skin — the Cake skin even includes a wholly new voice track. While these are both palpably enjoyable additions, they’re hidden behind paywalls. 

At the end of the day, MultiVersus feels like a brand twitter — a game made by somebody who gets the general vibe of every franchise involved while not necessarily enjoying any of them. And when it does inch toward allowing enjoyment, the game immediately places that joy behind a paywall.

If you want the cool stuff, you need Gleemium, MultiVersus’ premium currency to purchase the most thoughtful things in the game. Gleemium cannot be earned by enjoying fights with your boys or logging quick play hours; you need to buy it with real cold hard cash. It sounds like “premium” but I guess… with more gleem, whatever that means. 

MultiVersus lures you in with promises of being a weird, but polished fighting game. Somehow the entire Warner Bros. catalog is available. Even characters from shows produced by Warner Bros. like Ted Lasso could potentially join. Hell, maybe even Larry David! It’s funny. You can easily share a screenshot from MultiVersus with a caption like “how is this possible?” which ultimately is half the battle for a game like this.

But while the weirdness might get you in the door, once arriving, the game feels like it’s doing everything possible to eke the last dollar from your wallet. First with Nickelodeon’s All-Star Brawl, and now with MultiVersus, video game developers — er, actually more like media conglomerates — are learning in real time that the appeal of Smash Bros was always that the game is actually fun to play.

DEAL ALERT: Guy at Self Checkout Not Looking

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

What’s up, deal-hounds? We’ve just stumbled upon the ultimate life hack that could turn an average full price sale into the bargain of a lifetime, and we’re passing it on to you. Right now, for probably like the next 30 seconds while he’s looking at his phone, the guy working the kiosk at the Walmart self checkout isn’t looking. It’s open season!

If you get a head of romaine lettuce, you can also get a copy of the PS5 title of your choice free of charge. Talk about BOGO! All you have to do is weigh the case on the scale instead of the lettuce, and boom — the deal is sealed. If anyone asks to see your receipt, just tell them to call the cops! They won’t, they never do. Nobody cares!

This unprecedented store-wide sale has a unique selling point in that it’s applicable to almost ALL inventory, limited only to what you can conveniently hide at the bottom of the bag or your inner coat pocket. There’s even a 2 for 1 angle with all Blu-Rays and DVDs. If you have one that’s more expensive than the other, just stack the cheap one on the bottom and hold ‘em real tight and flush so it looks like one case! This is totally allowed, and they’re cool with it!

It’s also been announced that this deal is applicable to all week days with heavy traffic and Saturdays from opening till like, lunch. Really any day where that whole area is fucked and the flustered teens working are too busy helping someone find bananas in the produce inventory look up to notice you. Inflation, schminflation — Walmart has you covered!

Folks, let me tell you, this is the kind of deal you can only get at Walmart. Other rinky dink, independent places with bullshit like “overhead,” “loss prevention,” and “paying a liveable wage” couldn’t in a million years get away with the insane savings Walmart provides its customers. So act fast, but not too fast. You don’t wanna draw attention.