MUNISING, Mich. – Physicists at Aperture Science have revealed that it’s perfectly safe for people to engage in sexual activity through the holes made with their Aperture Science Portal Devices if they’re so inclined, sources report.
“We want to assure end users that there is no danger in two or more individuals positioning themselves at opposite sides of the portals they create and fully penetrating one another,” spokesperson Renna Hoffman told reporters. “Moreover, there is no evidence to suggest there’s any risk from oral or digital stimulation through said portal, provided the device itself is not used as an aid to reach climax. In fact, we encourage our customers to avail themselves of a lengthy fuck-session between the gateways our product tears through the fabric of three-dimensional space.”
Potential customer Herb Bhalfour was intrigued by the news.
“Oh, wow, you can fuck through this thing?” Bhalfour reacted. “I was thinking about all the cool things I could do with it, like travel long-distance for free. I’ve got a cousin who lives in Australia, and I was going to mail him the gun after blasting a hole in my wall so I can visit. However, now I think I might check and see if he has any single friends who’d like to fuck inter-continental. Hell, first I might fuck my neighbor with this just to try it out.”
Chell, a subject used in a series of tests with the gun, was uninterested in the company’s announcement.
“Yeah, I don’t care about that,” Chell said. “When you’ve got an insane artificial intelligence trying to kill you after having promised you cake for the past six hours, using your Portal gun as a sex aid tends to fall to the bottom of your list of priorities. Coming within inches of being dropped into an incinerator didn’t really get me in the mood. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time I get my revenge on GLaDOS.”
At press time, Hoffman had also revealed that it’s safe to urinate and defecate through the Portal as well, but encouraged people to do so as hygienically as possible.
