Activision Blizzard Board Votes to Bury Bobby Kotick in New Mexico Landfill

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — The executive board of Activision Blizzard has reportedly voted to bury controversial CEO Bobby Kotick in a New Mexico landfill, sources have confirmed. 

“Final vote is 8-3, that does it, Bobby’s goin’ in the landfill,” said Charles “Hoss” Schnuck, reading the board member’s decision out loud. “This board hereby declares that Bobby Kotick will be bound, sedated, and immediately shipped to New Mexico where he will be buried and may no longer give us any headaches. We stood by Bobby at first, but it’s getting pretty tiresome. People were mad when we didn’t vote to remove him, but we think this will get people back on our side.” 

“We got the idea from Atari when they buried all those E.T. cartridges out there in the ‘80s,” he added. 

Kotick has been embroiled in controversy in recent years, most prominently stemming from a damning Wall Street Journal report that alleged he was aware of a toxic culture of abuse and harassment and Activision Blizzard and participated in it as well. 

“Wait, they can’t really bury me in the desert, right?” asked Kotick, as he was being led away from the chamber meeting by hired security. “But I’m still in charge around here! Ask any of these fucking idiots who’s in charge and they’ll tell you, it’s me, Bobby Kotick! Get this bag off of my head this instant.” 

Gamers everywhere were delighted by the news of Kotick’s impending burial. 

“Wow, that’s the first thing Activision’s got right in a minute,” said Amber Pritchard, a gamer that’s been hesitant to support the company’s titles as of late due to Kotick’s continued involvement. “And the fact that they’re doing it in Alamogordo is a nice little nod to the video game history of New Mexico. Great move, Activision. The only thing I’d change is I wish I could buy tickets to watch that cocksucker go in the ground with my own eyes! Haha.” 

As of press time, the board had reconvened for an emergency vote to determine whether Kotick would be dead or alive when buried. 

We Need a Name for Whatever Genre Vampire Survivors Is So I Know What to Not Shut Up About

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Elden Ring. Rogue Legacy 2. Shredder’s Revenge. These are just some of the astoundingly fun games I’ve involuntarily put on the backlog this year in order to keep playing Vampire Survivors every time it updates. And now, I’m hooked on 20 Minutes Till Dawn too, the first of hopefully many obvious spiritual successors in a direct but respectable lineage. Think Slay the Spire and Monster Train. 

The problem is, I don’t really know what to call this type of game, and we really need to figure out a snappy title for my new favorite genre before it gets saddled with something awful like Metroidvania. It’s like that old expression, “One is an indie gem, two is a genre.” Or whatever. Now that these games have their PUBG and Fortnite, we gotta name these fuckers. We’ll do it right here, right now. Buckle up. 

First of all, If you haven’t checked it out already, go buy Vampire Survivors. I have trouble sticking with games and I’ve put 40 hours into it with no signs of slowing down. And it costs three bucks. It’s sort of an idle, survival, roguelike, Musou, action game. It’s as glorious as that description is ungainly. However, it’s a start. That’ll be the name to beat. 

Idle Survival Roguelike Musou Action Game

Ooph. I don’t like that at all. It makes it sound too complicated. What it boils down to is actually quite simple: Kill things, gather the XP they drop, use it to upgrade your weapons and abilities, which all do their thing automatically. You steer, the game operates the weapons. It’s a glorious loop of twitch reflexes (in the form of avoiding an ever growing army of undead enemies) and on-the-fly character building. If that weren’t enough, there’s new weapons and characters added more often than I can keep up with. My first thought when I played Vampire Survivors was that it’s like Castlevania meets Geometry Wars. Which is kind of true! But it’s also sort of like Dead Cells meets Cookie Clicker. I don’t fucking know man, it’s like a lot of things.

But that’s the beauty of Vampire Survivors. It’s a big chaotic mess, with a screen full of enemies, weapons and evolutions to keep track of, and unlockable content stored behind often esoteric achievements. But the simplicity of your impact on the swirling madness makes it strangely calming. A free for all that is way more blissful than this mess of a genre label I’ve connected implies.

Okay let’s try a different approach. I recently grabbed 20 Minutes Till Dawn, the also-three-dollar heir apparent to Vampire Survivors. Playing this one, it’s abundantly clear that Vampire Survivors is to this genre what Dark Souls was to Soulslikes. 

So like, I don’t know, Vampire Survivor Likes?

Not great, is it? VampireLikes and SurvivorLikes both feel wrong too if you ask me (the latter sounds like how you’d classify Love Island). VSLikes? No, “Vs” is too loaded for gaming. We need a fucking snappy title, I’m telling you!  

If I were cynical, I could focus on the fact that 20 Minutes Till Dawn has more than a little in common with one of the year’s most talked about indie games, but that would be missing the point by a mile. Vampire Survivors is THAT FUN and we need to celebrate the games that take influence from and also build on top of their inspirations. 

I’d rather celebrate the innovations 20 Minutes brings to the burgeoning genre. You pull the trigger to shoot! You play for 20 minutes and not 30! Vampire Survivor’s idle game influences have been stripped away and in its place is a run-and-gun shooter more akin to Enter the Gungeon in a big empty room. This is very relevant, as it says to me that the idle nature of Vampire Survivors aren’t an obligatory part of the genre we’re naming here today. 

Okay, let me throw another one out here. I think this one covers it. 

Session Based Action Roguelike

Damn, that one sucks too, huh? Maybe an acronym of that? S.B.A.R. Oh, I know, we’ll call them SBAR’s, like how some people started pronouncing “SNES,” like it was a word one day. 

No, that really sucks. It sounds like a standardized test you failed in high school.

On top of not being very snappy (we’ll get there, I swear), I just realized I’ve not talked much about the most important thing these games share; the three dollar price point. I’m happy to pay a reasonable amount for a good game, but in the era of $70 triple A releases, imagine if this could be the Arizona Tea or Costco Hot Dog for gamers. I think we deserve it. I think some elements of these games should be up for interpretation, (length of session, active/inactive shooting), and some we shouldn’t budge on. Let’s not budge on this one. No better way to do that than include it in the title. Oh, I know!

Three Buck Chucks

Wait, nope, that’s just slang for cheap booze that was lodged in my head somewhere. We’re getting warmer though.

Alright, what about this? These three dollar games are hectic, right? Their nature is to grow more chaotic by the minute and your only hope for survival is if you are able to level up your character in a way that your firepower keeps up to the absurd level of the enemies you are facing. It’s madness, sheer pandemonium. It’s a free-for-all. A brilliantly conducted free-for-all, but a free-for-all nonetheless. These wonderful games are three dollar free-for-alls. 

Three For Alls 

Ohhh shit, I kinda like it! Three For Alls!

Folks, if there’s a better name for it than this, throw it in the comments. Otherwise in two weeks we will officially be referencing Vampire Survivors, 20 Minutes Till Dawn, and all subsequent relevant entries into the genre as Three For Alls. 

Damn, that’s pretty snappy. 

Planet Discovered in No Man’s Sky Where Google Glass Caught On

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

GUILDFORD, U.K. — Dedicated No Man’s Sky players have made perhaps the most shocking discovery among the game’s 18 quintillion planets yet: a world where Google Glass caught on a few years ago. 

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Ellen Ramsay, a longtime player of the space exploration sim that made the discovery. “At first I was just blown away because I had found a randomly generated planet that seemed so much like Earth. It had everything; the religion, the sports, I think I saw a Burger King. Except I realized everyone was walking around with this weird thing on their head. After a while I figured it out; this was some alternate version of 2018 Earth, and Google Glass had totally caught on like they wanted it to. They looked so weird, man.” 

The discovery was surprising to many, including Google executives. 

“Well, I’m glad it caught on somewhere,” said John Grogan, an engineering director at Google. “Now, I am of course obligated to point out that we at Google don’t so much see the rollout of Glass as a failure, so much as a product we had to re-calibrate our expectations on after the public soundly rejected it. But Google Glass is still available in the Enterprise Edition. In fact,  the Enterprise Edition 2 came out just a couple years ago. But I assume you already knew that, right? Did you know that already? You probably did.” 

The developers of No Man’s Sky say the discovery speaks to the game’s unlimited potential. 

“Oh wow, this is really something,” said Sean Murray, co-creator of No Man’s Sky. “We worked hard on this game, and we would be nowhere without the dedicated community that we have today that has worked just as hard. To comb through our digital universe we’ve created and actually find a world where people wished they had Google just hanging out right over their eyeballs is just tremendous. It’s really mind blowing stuff when you think about it. Hey, any word if they were still charging $1,500 down there on that planet? I’m just curious.” 

As of press time, further exploration of the planet where Google Glass caught on also revealed a surprising number of people using Windows phones to watch shows on Quibi.

New MCU Film Just 2-Hour Powerpoint Slideshow of Actors You Recognize

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios announced its next entry into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, a film they believe will be a huge win for fans that’s just a feature-length Microsoft PowerPoint slideshow of famous people. 

“We went through the analytics of what people have enjoyed about the recent few films and this is obviously what the people want,” said Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige. “With this new movie, audiences will gasp and cheer as we parade a series of headshots of A-list actors with no music or dialogue. We start with all the big celebrities already in the Marvel movies, something to show off in the trailer, then we start littering in big names of people you think would never be in one of these movies, yet here they are. When fans see a flat Jpeg of an actor they like, it helps them realize that it’s actually a good movie.”

Early screenings of the movie excited longtime MCU fans with stock photos of their favorite stars.

“No way! They got Steve Buscemi in this? This movie is the best! Is that Sandra Bullock? Crazy!” said early-access participant Chris Cromwell. “At first it was so fun hooting and hollering at all the huge celebrities I know very well, and it was a fun Easter Egg to include some brief candids from smaller character actors I know from more obscure films. I can’t believe they convinced all those stars of the red carpet to be in a movie for little old me. Sure, they got paid a king’s ransom and have done interviews where they say they aren’t an MCU fan at all and have seen none of the movies, but it’s cool to see that they’re just like me.”

At press time, sources at the screening reported a shocking post-credits scene in which Kevin Feige Google Image Searches an obscure Marvel character from the comics.

Rocket League Reportedly Still Dope as Hell

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — A recent report suggests the vehicle-based soccer video game Rocket League totally holds up and remains absolutely dope as hell.

“We brought together the brightest scientific minds from all over the world to examine this simulated audiovisual experience, Rocket League, by every means at our disposal. Today, we announce our results: it’s dope,” said Dr. Vincent Laurent, head of the United Nations task force that worked late into Saturday night, testing various gameplay modes, eating pizza, and generally having a great hang. “I think we played like 30 matches and didn’t even get tired of it. Such a sick game. Definitely recommend picking it up again, if you haven’t in a while.”

Researchers were able to predict the results early in the study, when they unlocked some “really cool” cosmetics after only a few matches.

“If you examine page 79 of our report, you’ll see that the semi truck is now wearing a top hat like a fancy butler. The antenna is a venus flytrap. The wheels have badass skulls on them. Also the semi truck is powered by a rocket and you can play soccer with it. I mean, does gaming get any better than that?” asked researcher Dr. Elena Gershwin, who also cited the matte paint job. “Our report makes a definitive case that the answer is no.”

The landmark study met near-universal approval from the global scientific community.

“I went through their calculations myself and reached the same conclusion: Rocket League is a timeless game that’s just as fun today as the day it came out,” said mathematician June Huh, recipient of the Fields Medal. “First, the report demonstrates that Rocket League is simple and fun enough to pass around at a party without having to explain too much. True enough. But then, the researchers expand on that, arguing it’s also great for more low-key couch co-op sessions, with just a friend or two, where you can really get into the finer points of the strategy and work as a team. That blew my mind. This research deserves a Nobel Prize.”

At the conclusion of the study, the UN immediately commissioned a new team of scientists to investigate whether PUBG had gotten any better.

Eragon Fans Preemptively Harassing Actors Who Might Get Cast in the TV Show

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

LOS ANGELES — Following the announcement that an Eragon television show is in development, fans of the series took matters into their own hands by preemptively harassing any actor that might even be considered for a role in the Disney+ show.

“Look, I have a very clear picture in my head of what these characters should look like, and I’m not willing to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone not matching my very realistic exact specifications for them,” said Andrew Brock, who goes by @eragon4lyfe02 on Twitter. “Naturally, my only recourse is to shoot weaponized hate at any possible actor that might take a role in the show until Disney+ contacts me about my perfect fan casting. People think only Star Wars fans harass actors, but guess what: Eragon is a rip off of Star Wars, so we’re taking the fans’ playbook too, motherfucker.”

When asked to describe any of the characters to see what Brock’s specifications were, Brock seemed to struggle to say anything that was even remotely tangible.

“They should be cool, but not so cool that they become unrelatable. And also hot, but not unrealistically hot so I can imagine a possibility of getting with them. And they all should be white, obviously. Because the books take place in dragon times.”

Brock is not alone in his feelings, as hundreds of others bravely took to social media to voice their disapproval over the show since it was announced two calendar days ago.

“I don’t think fanbases generally want to send rude messages to an actor over a performance or casting,” said Mark Johnson, another lifelong fan of the series who decided they needed their voice to be heard. “For example, I’m a huge DC fan, and I can’t think of a single time anyone in the DC community has ever harassed an actor in the series. But with Eragon, I’m willing to make as many people as possible uncomfortable until I get what I want.”

When asked what Johnson would do in the weeks to come regarding the show, he shrugged and said he would most likely go back to harassing the children cast in the Percy Jackson show because “they deserve it.”

7 Wrestlers Fortnite Should Also Add So I Can Beat John Cena’s Ass

Posted on by Minus World

I have been waiting years to say this and the time is finally now: John Cena is coming to Fortnite. Nintendo may have been too cowardly to put the 16-time champ in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, but Epic Games understands how much the world wants to see Mr. Hustle Loyalty Respect hit Naruto with an avalanche Attitude Adjustment from the top of Steamy Stacks.

Fortnite adding Cena to the mix opens the door for a crossover with limitless potential. Now that a WWE superstar is in the game, there’s so much opportunity to bring more wrestlers to the battle royale game — specifically, wrestlers who have absolutely wiped the floor with Cena during his illustrious career. To truly represent Cena in a video game, he needs a few key rivals who can keep him humble.

As you can probably guess, I already have some ideas. These wrestlers deserve a spot in the Fortnite Hall of Fame so I can better troll children who are just trying to play as their hero. 

#7 — Brock Lesnar

One of the best moments of my life was seeing Brock Lesnar absolutely squash John Cena at Summerslam 2014, right at the height of Super Cena’s reign. For 16 glorious minutes, we got to see John Cena ragdolled around the ring via german suplexes. Cena tried to make a comeback late in the match, but he got F5’d into the core of the Earth for his efforts. If Fortnite is serious about creating a partnership with the WWE going forwards, Epic needs to bring the Beast in. Include Paul Heyman as back bling and let me use his farm boy look as an alt skin.

#6 — CM Punk

Fortnite may be celebrating Summerslam with Cena, but it should have cashed in on the Summer of Punk. The current (non-interim) AEW champion has a long history with Cena, acting as his foil in WWE. While Cena was seen as a kiss-ass company man, CM Punk was the voice of the people. That should be reflected in Fortnite. Anytime someone using the John Cena skin wins a round of Fortnite, an opposing player using a CM Punk skin should get to drop a pipe bomb promo via voice chat, absolutely shitting on Epic Games and eventually defecting to Apex Legends. At the very least, give me a “Go to Sleep” emote.

#5 — Kevin Owens

Remember that one glorious moment in 2015 when then-NXT champion debuted on Raw to answer John Cena’s United States Championship open challenge, only to say “naw, I don’t actually want to fight you, I’m just here to brag” and then the mad fucker dropped Cena and stepped on his title? And then a few weeks later, that motherfucker powerbombed Machine Gun Kelly off the ramp? Come on! Give the man a gun! Let him shoot Jonesy! Fortnite needs more heels.

#4 — Miro/Rusev

One of Cena’s most notable 2010s rivalries came from his feud with Rusev (now Miro in AEW). At the time, Rusev was a big Russian bad guy (despite being Bulgarian) holding the United States Championship. That was the perfect setup for Mr. All America to xenophobically swoop in and snap the big guy’s undefeated streak. But Fortnite can let us correct that whack booking. Not only should Epic Games put Miro in Fortnite, they should let him drive his tank around the map – the same one he used in his Wrestlemania entrance when he fought Cena, and also had sex in.

#3 — Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle was John Cena’s first rival, so he’s a natural fit here. But I don’t just want Kurt Angle in the game as a one-off skin. He should be part of an entire season theme. I’m talking Fortnite Season 9: Ruthless Aggression. Turn Fortnite into an M rated game for like three-months as a gimmick. Get some blood in there. Have The Rock’s character drop incessant sex jokes. Just go full Duke Nukem to pay tribute to an era of WWE that we all remember way more fondly than it deserves.

#2 — Rikishi

There are a lot of historic Samoan wrestlers that you’re probably expecting to see on this list, like perhaps the current undisputed champion Roman Reigns. But no one from the Anoa’i family deserves to be in Fortnite more than Rikishi. The 425 pounder beat John Cena clean TWICE in 2002 by dropping his big fat ass on his face. I think that’s enough of an accomplishment to let the Hall of Famer Bonzai Drop into Fortnite. 

#1 — The Gobbeldy Gooker

Okay, The Goobeldy Gooker has never beaten John Cena, but I think the big turkey could beat his ass. Let me prove it.

Historians Discover Stonehenge Originally Constructed as Chill Place to Smoke, Hang

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

LONDON — Historians announced a massive breakthrough surrounding the origin of the notorious prehistoric monument Stonehenge, revealing the structure was originally erected as a chill ass spot to blast cigs, trade war stories and generally hang the fuck out.

“I’m sure this may come as a shock to many, but to us, the answer couldn’t have been more clear,” said Dr. Paola Ceccarelli, professor of history at the University of London, specializing in the Hellenistic period and crushing beers. “The discovery was brought to light after a closer inspection of the undersides of the stones, revealing a series of etchings we were able to translate roughly as, ‘Gimme Head ’Til I’m Dead.’ Suddenly, it all became clear.”

Noah Wallace, a team member and student of Ceccarelli, elaborated on the new findings and the implications they could have for previously discarded evidence.

“For so long, we would come across strange blemishes in the stones that resembled ash burns and ring stains. We always chalked them up to vandalism,” said Wallace. “But now that we’ve gone back and carbon-dated them, it turns out they actually were just chilling hard as a bitch, even back then! It’s truly awe inspiring to both historians and mad tight blokes alike. Like imagine if they had Xbox 360 back then, that would be so crazy.”

Ceccarelli also announced that, in honor of the revelation, Stonehenge will be opened to the public once again to embrace in its eons-old traditions.

“To anyone and everyone that wants to come down, it’s open season. Bring some brews and maybe some KB. We’re doing what our ancestors would’ve wanted. No pills though, it’s kickback vibes,” said an elated Ceccarelli. “See those big pillars? You can draw a cock on it if you want. It’s cool, you’re allowed now. Me and the boys are gonna do some Jackass style stuff later off the perimeter, it’s gonna rule. Being a historian rocks.”

At press time, a similar discovery was made in Chile regarding the famed Moai statues of Easter Island, with reports claiming they may have originated as a “good ass bit” and are “hella funny.”

5 Great Activities to Pass the Time This Summer

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey cousin! What, you don’t answer my calls no more, Mr. Bigshot? Mr. Fucking Wise Guy over here? This is your cousin, Roman, and I’m here to tell you some of the best goddamned ways I could think of to pass some time this summer while we’re not sleeping with the beautiful women I have lined up all over the city! Honestly! Come, cousin, let’s fuck this city in the ass! 

BOWLING

Hey, why not go bowling and maybe we could kick the shit out of some punk asses or something, huh? That’s the American Dream, baby! Go suck shit! My cousin, Niko, he will tell you, you don’t want to fuck with me! Hey, what do you say we get out of here, huh?

STRIP CLUB 

Uhh, so I think if we go to a strip club, you should do the talking, because I tend to get thrown out of these places for being what they call an “ass-grabbing piece of shit.” I say, “Don’t you know who the fuck I am?! Me and my cousin are going to run this city one day, and then I’ll grab any ass I want! It’s the AMERICAN DREAM!” 

BAR

Come, cousin, let us take our stolen vehicle to the bar so we can tie one on before we drive to our next armed robbery. America! What a bitch of a country, am I right? My wife is leaving me. Oh fuck, I love this song! Turn it up, cousin! 

ELABORATE MOTORCYCLE CHASE 

I know what we can do next, Niko. Why don’t we ditch this SUV for a motorcycle and see if we can’t get dozens of cops up our asses, huh? What do you say? For old time’s sake, you son of a bitch! You will never catch me, Roman, cousin of Niko Bellic! 

FAST FOOD 

Fine! If you’re too fucking scared to get into a police chase maybe we go get milkeshakes or something, huh? What do you say? You better bring your wallet though, I left mine, uh, at home. America, she is one expensive whore! 

I love you, cousin. Please call me sometime this summer. I am so lonely here in America, despite all of the American tits and asses I have seen! 

“He’s Just Like Me FR” Says Man Who Is Absolutely Nothing Like Guts From Berserk

Posted on by Kevin Podas

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Tom Nalley, a longtime fan of the Japanese manga series Berserk recently remarked on twitter that the series protagonist, Guts, was exactly like him, despite little to no physical resemblance or remotely similar personality qualities.

“He’s just like me, FR” said Nalley, scrolling through Twitter on his phone at 4 a.m while laying in bed. “Look at him swinging that giant sword around, killing the apostles that haunt him every night. We’re so similar, and that cunning bastard Griffith is exactly like my night shift manager at KFC.”

Kouji Mori, the manga author currently supervising Berserk, recently saw the post and was somehow stunned at the similarities.

“Incredible,” remarked Mori. “When Kentaro Miura would talk with me late into the night about his plans for Berserk, we both agreed that no human being could ever walk a mile in Guts’ shoes, to know the tragedies he has felt and to do what he has had to do. But this man… this Twitter user… he is the true black swordsman.”

Marty Adelstein, the CEO of Tomorrow Studios who is responsible for the Netflix live-action adaptations of Cowboy Bebop and One Piece, also took notice of the post.

“Call up Netflix, we’ve found our Guts,” said Adelstein, believing the unwitting man to be exactly what they were looking for. “Production starts next month. We can finally move forward with this project. We’re going to have the wackiest, smarmiest script for Berserk ever, and this man will deliver the lines that everyone on the internet will love and appreciate. He’s just like Guts for real, and that’s our whole business.”

At press time, Nalley was seen reading a volume of Berserk on the city bus while struggling to open a bag of Goldfish crackers.