Sedentary Gamer Worried Ozempic Is Giving Him DEI Chin

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

GARLAND, Texas — A gamer who has recently begun taking Ozempic for his diabetes has become worried about the undesired weight loss is giving him “DEI Chin”.

Brett Cooper, who goes by the handle BasedMemeLord, has been lamenting the fact that his hard earned “Gamer Physique” is being ruined by the medicine that is keeping him alive.

“If I lose any more weight I’m gonna end up looking like ‘Larry Croft,’” Cooper complained. “It’s bad enough I can’t open Steam without getting a bunch of woke DEI garbage shoved in my face. Now I can’t even look in my mirror without looking like a Sweet Baby Detected character.”

Cooper’s roommate and childhood friend, Phil Grosky, said the sudden weight loss has put a strain on their relationship.

“Brett, he still says all the right things: ‘DEI kills games,’ ‘go woke go broke,’ and has several ongoing harassment campaigns against a bunch of games ‘urinalists,’ but I’m not sure I can trust anyone who has a distinguishable chin,” Grosky said. “Last week I caught him buying Dragon Age: Wokeguard. He said he bought it by mistake and would be demanding a refund,  but Steam says he’s played for over twenty hours.”

When confronted about the “Dragon Age: Veilguard” purchase Cooper said it was done out of a necessity for research, and not to support “DEIWare,” which he later clarified was developer BioWare.

“I’m providing a public service,” Cooper said. “I’m playing this game so others don’t have to wonder just how woke it is. I’m not having a good time playing this garbage, and anytime you see me smiling on stream it is out of incredulity, not because I’m happy. Woke pharma decided it’s not enough for NPCs to have DEI Chin and it must be foisted upon the Common Gamer in the real world. I’ve been posting for months now that wokeness in games would have real life consequences, and now here we are.”

At press time Cooper was seen attaching a prosthetic double chin to his face.

Trump Surprised to Learn Monopoly Hotels Make Money

Posted on by Garry Kerls

PALM BEACH, Fla. — After an exhausting end of campaign push in swing states across the country, President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump was surprised to learn that hotels in Monopoly make money, sources at Mar-a-Lago confirm.

Trump and his closest confidants gathered together for a calming game of Monopoly late Tuesday night to prepare for the absolute destruction of democracy.

“It’s a nice distraction for Mr. Trump, he loves Monopoly,” said Vice President-elect JD Vance to the press. “And it was good to finally get some face time with him. Now that we’ll be working closely together on dismantling the democratic institutions of America, it’s good we had a chance to talk, however briefly.”

Attendees for the night included Vance, as well as Trump’s three sons, Eric, Don Jr. and Barron.

“Melania was invited too, but we took her six months of silence as a no,” Eric told reporters when pressed about the small turnout.

As the game commenced it became clear to those around him that Trump was not in the right state of mind for a whimsical game night with the family.

“He literally owned property in Atlantic City, he should be way better at this,” said Trump’s youngest son, Barron. “But all he was worried about was getting out of landing on the Income Tax spot and why the hotel pieces didn’t have his name on them.”

The night did take a turn, however, when Trump began collecting colorful currency from the other players. A rush of energy seemed to shoot through the bronzed 78 year old man. This excitement only grew when Trump realized the hotels in the board game actually make you money.

“It was the happiest I’ve seen him in years,” said Don Jr smoking a cigar laced with cocaine at the end of the night. “He giggled every time he passed go, and eventually started waxing poetic about the ‘late great Mr. Monopoly,’ we didn’t have the heart to tell him he isn’t dead and isn’t real.”

The night concluded with Trump in the lead with the most money, as well as the most control over the properties, including pivotal swing space, Pennsylvania and North Carolina Avenues.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Trump. “I mean hotels that make money legally. What a concept. I was swiping money from everyone’s pile when they weren’t looking and then one of my sons, Evan I think his name is, told me, ‘Dad’ he said, ‘Dad the hotels here make you money that you collect from players, you don’t have to steal it.’ Wow. That’s news to me, but what a brilliant concept let me tell you.”

At press time, the Mar-a-Lago community Monopoly game was discovered to be missing its ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ cards.

America Confirms Backwards Compatibility with 2016

Posted on by Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — The United States of America has officially confirmed that it will be backwards compatible with 2016 starting in January 2025.

While there has been much speculation over the last few months whether or not America would implement backwards compatibility for 2016, the country officially confirmed the feature late Tuesday night.

“While some unpatriotic dissenters would prefer for us as a nation to move forward, we are proud to announce that the country will officially support backwards compatibility with 2016,” said Vice President-elect J.D. Vance in a press conference, while his eyes longed for a new leather couch. “The fact of the matter is that Americans want backwards compatibility and that’s what we’re going to give them. We’re not stopping at 2016 either. Once we’ve fully implemented 2016 compatibility we will keep working to make the country even more backwards compatible. Soon we’ll be backwards compatible with the 1950s, 1939, even the 1800s. Cotton fields are coming back in a big way.”

The country’s elected leadership is more than happy to give the people what they want in moving the nation backwards.

“Anger, fear, division, ineptitude. Everything you all loved about 2016 will be available again starting January 20. We’re not stopping there though. By the time we’re done, this great nation will be backwards compatible with the dark ages. Vaccines. Gone. Autism. Gone. Gluten allergies. Gone. Women’s rights. Gone. Non-believers of the Christian faith. Gone. Prima Nocta. Back. Free reign to kill any animal that crosses my path and eat its innards right in the middle of the street while I howl in victory. Back.” said RFK Jr.

President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump said that the push for backwards compatibility will usher in a golden age for the country.

“We’re going back folks. We’re moving the country backwards just like you wanted, it’s gonna be a golden era let me tell you. This whole place will be showering in gold. We’re going back to the times when women were women and men were men. That’s what we need and that’s what we’re gonna give you folks. Men are gonna be men again, yes they are. No more gays folks, no more gays let me tell you. Just big beefy manly men,” Trump said while pretending to give his microphone a sensual fellatio.

At press time, Democrats were reportedly briefing Hillary Clinton on Pokémon Go.

“Backyard Baseball ’97” Lets Gamers Live Out the Fantasy of One Day Owning a Backyard

Posted on by Garry Kerls

CHICAGO — Reviews of the recent “Backyard Baseball ‘97” re-release have revealed gamers are much less interested in the game itself, and more interested in the wish fulfillment of one day owning a backyard. 

“After being on hiatus for almost 10 years, we couldn’t have hoped for a warmer welcome back,” said Lindsay Barnett, CEO of Playground Productions, “What we didn’t expect was the longing these young adults have for one day owning land.”

Overwhelmingly positive reviews of the game praise the developers commitment to maintaining the 1990s desktop gameplay, art style, and iconic characters, but always return to the imagined pleasures of owning a home. 

“Back in ‘97 I played this game and fantasized about making it to the big leagues one day,” says local millennial Steve Petersen. “But now, as an adult, I play the game and fantasize about making enough money to ever be able to own a backyard and host neighborhood kids in Sandlot-esque baseball games. Maybe I could even get a big ol’ dog that looks scary but is really a sweet-hearted softie, like James Earl Jones did in the movie. My rental only allows fish and birds.”

One expert noted that  a recent phenomenon has emerged where gamers’ nostalgia is not for the games themselves, but the comforting, upper middle-class lifestyle that they had when they last played the game.

“Deep rooted nostalgia seems to be directly linked to an economically comfortable upbringing,” says DePaul Sociology Professor, Monica Waters. “Playing on a 1997 DELL computer that runs games at 10 FPS was, for some, the closest they’ll ever get to living the American Dream. The inability to afford anything today causes these young individuals to mentally recede back to a point in time when they didn’t understand how money worked at all.”

“My colleagues and I have dubbed this sociological trend ‘Oblivious Nostalgia,’” said Professor Waters, “which is defined as being in a state of longing for the blissful ignorance one possessed as a privileged child.”

At press time, the upcoming Backyard Sports slate will try to capitalize on this unique phenomenon with such titles as “Backyard Builder,” “Backyard Tycoon,” and “Backyard: The Retirement Years.”

DOOM Now Playable in Voting Booths to Commiserate Democracy’s Approaching Demise

Posted on by Nick Coffman

NEW YORK. – U.S. voters flooded with anxiety over the impending doom of the nation will face another kind of doom this election day when they discover their voting booths are fully equipped with a playable version of DOOM.

Interviewed outside of his polling place earlier this morning, modder, DOOM3DF3LL0VV, confirmed getting the 1993 classic shooter working on all voting booths was his handy work and something he thought his fellow voters needed.

“I thought we all needed something to help blow off some steam before things potentially got weird. I thought Doom would be better than just sobbing uncontrollably in the booth,” DOOM3DF3LLOVV said, wearing his ‘I Voted’ sticker. “Kill some Mars demons and then vote for president of the free world, be it the person who will move us forward, or the person who can barely string together a thought, let alone get through the first level of Doom.” 

DOOM3DF3LL0VV, on edge about the election, committed to remaining at his polling place until everyone in line had a chance to play DOOM in a voting booth.

“I know there’s a lot of animosity toward undecided voters, I want to let them know I am here for them, I’m not here to judge,” DOOM3DF3LL0VV said outside of his polling place. “I know how hard decision making is for them, so I made the decision to equip all the booths with mouse and keyboards. No deciding between keyboard and gamepad, I’ve cut the hard part out. Get in there and play Doom for as long as you need, while you try to make up your mind. Play it again if you’re still unsure by the time the credits roll.”

Election Officials are preparing for violence and long lines throughout the day. Francis Harold, 72, a poll worker has some tips for anxious voters.

“Once you’re in the booth you have all the time in the world. Speed through Doom or take it slow, but please keep the noise to a minimum as to not distract other voters,” Harold shared, wearing a DOOM 3 t-shirt. “Please do not give food and drink to voters in line, you will be tased. Each booth will come with a warm bottle of Mountain Dew. Do drink the Dew in the booth, don’t take a stranger’s Dew. Lastly, remember to stay in line. No matter how long the line gets we want each and every one of you to play Doom and vote.”

At press time DOOM3DF3LL0VV had been tased and arrested for handing out dixie cups of Mountain Dew: Code Red to voters waiting in line. 

Five Things You Can Build in “Tears of the Kingdom” That Will Put You on the FBI’s Most Wanted List

Posted on by Peter Collier

“The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” has been out for over a year and people are just now beginning to tap into the sheer brilliance of the game’s crafting systems. It has all the same ingredients as its predecessor, while offering even more possibilities for the most ambitious of gamers. Players can now build planes that actually fly in the air, cars that can take you across the map faster than any Epona wannabe, and even boats for the douchebaggiest of players.

But, as with every new innovation, these mechanics also create new opportunities for human failure. One thing Nintendo will never be able to defeat is an incel with an appetite for destruction. That being said, here are five things you can build in “The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” that will definitely put you on the FBI’s Most Wanted List:

1.    Messerschmitt Bf 109

First introduced by Germany during the Spanish Civil War, these bombers were “the backbone of Luftwaffe’s fighter force,” through the end of World War II. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed Link will feel right at home in the cockpit!

2.    Replica of Osama Bin Laden’s hideout

In ToTK, players must venture into the depths of Hyrule to gather research, battle foes, and further the story. The underground is lined with floor-to-ceiling rock walls that players can scale, explore, or use to hide from enemies. As one astute gamer pointed out, they bear a striking resemblance to the cavernous Afghani tunnels used by the former leader of the Taliban.

3.    1933 Ford V8 Police Car

The exact car used by Public Enemy No. 1, John Dillinger, to escape from prison in Crown Point, Indiana. It may be bulky, but everyone needs an escape from time to time!

4.    Boeing 767

Before these planes started losing doors and falling out of the sky mid-flight, the Boeing 767 was already making headlines for its use in the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center. However, with the addition of Skyview Towers sprinkled throughout Hyrule, players are warned of flying too close to the towers, or they may end up with an experience they will never forget.

5.    Flying Swastika

Admit it, you’re just being lazy at this point.

Staggering 80% of Bad Guys Wearing Suits in Action Film Know Kung Fu

Posted on by Casey Smith

BOSTON — In collaboration with Good Guys Who Know Kung Fu, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology combed through days of action films and discovered that a staggering 80% of bad guys wearing suits know kung fu.

“This study was stupid and important,” said MIT student Garvin Portnoy, who came to the “80% Bad Guy Kung Fu” realization when playing C-list action films as white noise while conducting disease research in his spare time. “Our studies have blown the world of bad guys wearing suits knowing kung fu in action films wide open. Yes, the parallels have always been there, we just needed the technology and the funds to recognize how dumb and frequent this pattern is.”

One hero claimed that he had known of this phenomenon for some time, and that the math wasn’t always so simple.

“I can usually spot the 80 percent of asses that will get kicked pretty quickly,” stated Trap Blazer, hero of many straight-to-streaming action epics. “As a good guy who knows kung fu, it’s safe to assume four sharply dressed thugs drinking generic beer at a pool table know kung fu, but the guy who clings to a wall the moment the first kick connects is the one who doesn’t know kung fu.”

Several bad guys noted how this study could factor into future staffing decisions.

“We have a reputation for being bad and knowing kung fu, but there’s a lot of simple math involved too,” says Crowbar, a one dimensional bad guy who knows kung fu. “Eight percent may sound like a lot, but it might not be as great as you think. For example, let’s say that you need 100 mooks. Well, you should know that only 80 of the thugs are going to know kung fu and 20 are ready to rat you out.”

At press time, Garvin published another study showing that the ability of wooden furniture to provide cover from gunfire depended heavily upon the importance of the character hiding behind it.

“Inside Out 3” Preemptively Casts Steve Buscemi as the “Horniness” Emotion

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Casting directors on Pixar’s ‘Inside Out 3’ have locked in Steve Buscemi as the embodiment of Horniness in the third installment. 

“I’m thrilled to be involved with another Pixar project, especially after my fantastic experience on ‘Monsters, Inc.’,” claimed Buscemi while biting into a leaky tuna sandwich on a subway train. “I promise to bring a certain bleary, fumbling, sweaty stalker vibe to the role of Horniness. To get into the mood, I plan on recording only after digesting a homebrew of crushed Viagra, cayenne pepper, puree’d onion and garlic chives. To reconnect with kids today, I’ve downloaded TikTok. But I’ve found it more helpful to go back to the 16mm stag films and nudie mags of my youth, to really unlock the organic experience of puberty, all over again. I’ll be frank: that stepmother from ‘Cinderella’ really got my engine roaring when I was a teen. I just hope I can do the same for the youth of today.” 

Executive producer Cassandra Carmichael championed the decision. 

“We couldn’t be more thrilled with Steve onboard,” shared Carmichael beside Horniness character prototypes. “From conception to final edit, we deeply consider character design. Of course we’ll be incorporating those inimitable Buscemi eyes. Then, it’s all about where we take the character – is this a pimply teenager? Is this a creep in a trenchcoat? Maybe a combination of both, we’re in the storytelling exploration stage. Our animators are conducting research by visiting parking lots of high school proms, while cross-referencing the remaining adult theaters. New scenarios for Riley include a sudden attraction to a billboard ad, a post-football game makeout sesh under the bleachers, or accidentally discovering a hermit’s porn stash in the woods.” 

Self-professed ‘Disney Adult’ and annual passholder Luke Migoolhy could barely contain his excitement. 

“Can’t tell you what this news means to me,” said Migoolhy, waiting in line to meet Snow White for the second time that day in Disneyland. “Finally, a character that can reflect my own deep desires, especially concerning parasocial romantic emotions directed toward Disney characters. I’m so attracted to Steve Buscemi’s earlier Disney work, specifically his appearances in ‘G-Force’ and ‘Home on the Range’. Those are bad hotties, only to be outdone by Horniness in ‘Inside Out 3’. Can’t wait to meet that character, here at the park. I’ve been an annual passholder since 2006, so I’m entitled to do what I want here. They can ask me not to track character actor schedules, but I’ll still be here everyday!”

At press time, an additional casting announcement has been released regarding Paul Giammatti as Gloom in ‘Inside Out 3,’ set to be recorded standing in the puddle of an abandoned factory.

According to SEO Expert, Fortnite Skibidi Sigma Chappell Roan Fortnite

Posted on by Peter Cunis

SAN FRANCISCO — In his latest book, What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter, Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman demonstrates why he is the nation’s leading SEO expert. 

“If you want to know how to drive people to your website,” writes “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman in the book’s opening chapter, How Do I Drive Clicks to My Website?, “Make sure to use words and phrases that a Google user would type into a search bar. You may be asking, ‘What does a Google user type into a search bar?’ The answer, as any Fortnite Chappell Roan can tell you, is simple: questions, trending topics, rizz, what is skibidi, and how do I sigma.”

Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman’s sigma book has been getting rave reviews from many leading publications. In the following paragraph, we will tell you the answer to the question, “Which publications have reviewed What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi Bellman?’”

“The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi’ Bellman has, for me, definitively answered the questions ‘Who is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘How old is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘Chappell Roan Gay?’” says Bob Thumble in his New York Times review, “What Is Fortnite Explains How To Play Fortnite And What Skibidi Means”. Meanwhile, renowned influencer Laney “Free V-Bucks” McClintock spoke highly of What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter on Instagram. “If anyone wants to know what SEO means or skibidi sigma,” says McClintock, “they should look no further than What Is Fortnite? or Bellman’s other books, like Is Fortnite Free?, Sabrina Carpenter Married?, and Harry Styles Feet.”

Some sigma Fortnite critics Chappell Roan, however, are not so enthused with What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman.

“I bought this book for my grandson, and it never told him how to play Fortnite,” wrote Agnes Dumyer in her Amazon.com review (click here to learn how to write an Amazon review), “Very disappointing.”

If you are wondering, “How do I buy What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter?” then continue reading. The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter can be bought on Amazon.com. What is Amazon.com? It’s a place where you can buy goods and services, such as Sigma, Sabrina Carpenter, Free V-Bucks, Rizz, and Half-Life 3: Announced. 

Moo Moo Meadows Razed to Make New Wario Stadium

Posted on by Tom Scarcella

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Moo Moo Meadows, famed kart-racing destination and family-owned dairy farm, was razed to make room for a new Wario-themed stadium, according to the Mushroom Kingdom Development Authority.

”While it was a difficult choice to reduce this idyllic farmland to smoldering rubble, the state-of-the-art Warclays Stadium will turbo-boost our economy while keeping us competitive with the likes of Koopa Kingdom and China,” the authority’s Spokesman Toad said. “We’re striving to fairly compensate the owners of Moo Moo Meadows and humanely slaughter all the relocated Moo Moos and Monty Moles. YAHOO!”

The project has been speeding ahead despite widespread outrage over the loss of Mushroom Kingdom’s only sustainable dairy farm, as well as skepticism about the stadium’s necessity. 

“We already have a perfectly good Wario Stadium, plus countless arenas for tennis and fighting and every other goddamn sport, but the royal coffers never open for things like better hospitals,” said a neighborhood Goomba. “Rainbow Road is filled with potholes, for Christ’s sake.”

“Who knows why they destroyed this beautiful farm when there are vast expanses of land with nothing but weird platforms and spiky balls and shit,” the Goomba added. “It must be Wario’s ego since he always lost races at the Moo Moo tracks. It’s a shame we blindly follow the whims of the super-rich, but coins really talk in this kingdom.”

Wario convinced Princess Peach to approve Warclays Stadium after agreeing to use his allegedly illicit fortunes to help with financing. He appeared unperturbed by the public outcry.

“WHAAAAT are all these a-greedy peasants a-griping about!? As the richest and most genius guy in the kingdom, Wario knows-a what’s best for everyone,” Wario noted before unhinging his jaw to devour a porterhouse steak sourced from the erstwhile Moo Moo Meadows. He also said the existing Wario Stadium will be converted to provide “sorely needed new housing,” although Spokesman Toad later clarified that Wario plans to turn it into a supersized palace for himself.

At press time, sources confirmed that Mario has ignored preservationists and demolished yet another centuries-old Koopa castle, this time for a new soccer stadium.