BERKSHIRE, England — Channel 4 has announced the immediate cancellation of popular television program “The Great British Bake Off” following an on-set interruption by a massive sphere of trash.
“After fourteen and a half wonderful seasons, it’s with heavy hearts that we finally say goodbye to the tent and everyone still inside,” wrote series producer Ian Crumm in a post on social media. “I wish them all the best, the show may have ended but this is just the start of their journey. I feel so privileged to have had the opportunity to work with these future stars, and am especially blessed to have been home with the flu during filming last weekend.”
Celebrity baker and series judge Paul Hollywood discussed the cancellation during an interview while the ball rolled eastward.
“It took us all —————— by surprise. Prue —————— saw a tiny man —————— stealing muffins —————— but she chased —————— him out of the —————— tent. Later —————— during Technical —————— there was a loud —————— rumbling then —————— everything went —————— upside down. The —————— bakers are all —————— disappointed —————— but still friendly —————— cause it’s not like —————— they were going —————— to win anything —————— anyway.”
Charles Wright, board director of the Health and Safety Executive (HSE), condemned the broadcast company during a press conference Thursday.
“Their cavalier attitude is unacceptable. Make no mistake: this was an avoidable tragedy,” said Wright. “We warn Bake Off every year that filming in cozy, scenic locations risks unnecessary exposure to the Prince of All Cosmos. This is larger than a cooking competition now. There will be investigations into Channel 4’s negligent contribution to the displacement of three nearby villages.“
At press time, the BBC suspended eight programs after learning the next mission starts in a police department.
While there’s no denying that his music dominated the charts with pop hits and adult contemporary bops, there is an argument to be made that Sega Genesis had a far greater impact on music and video games than Sega Phil Collins’ solo endeavors.
In the early 1980s Sega Enterprises was on the top of their game, surpassing a company valuation of $200 million, and this is before the formation of the esteemed super-group, Sega Genesis. Composed of icons like Sega Anthony Phillips, Sega Peter Gabriel, and the ubiquitous Sega Phil Collins, the group churned out banger after banger like the Green Hill Zone Theme, and Land of Confusion.
It was truly a golden era, where 16-bit musical instrumentation met the pop-rock fusion of the 1980s. A period in time where you couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing the dulcet tones of Sega Genesis performing their iconic startup sound “Seeeeegaaaa.” The chorus of digital voices had more than an Invisible Touch on the listening generation.
However the good times were not sustainable as the group, along with Sega Enterprises, entered the latter half of the 1990s. After both critical and commercial failures of projects like the Sega Saturn and the final studio album, Calling All Stations, the band decided to call it quits, followed soon after by the halting of console production in Japan.
Bound and determined to stay in the limelight, Sega Phil Collins shed the video game namesake and continued releasing music as ‘Phil Collins.’ Leaning into the mainstream by producing the soundtracks for two Disney animated films – “Tarzan” and “Brother Bear” – the former Sega Genesis drummer solidified his reputation as a capitalistic corporate media sellout.
Eventually, in 2017, the band reunited sans “Sega” for one final world tour. Another cash grab for Collins that at least resulted in a proper farewell for the rest of the group. And now, in 2024, the possibility of a second reunion is being rumored, Collins continues to bore audiences with hits like In The Air Tonight, a song that needlessly teases the audience towards a lackluster drum breakdown climax.
I believe that Collins has etched his name into the footnotes of popular culture, while Genesis, like the first book of the bible, will live on in the hearts of music and video game lovers alike, for generations to come.
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local gamer Derek Robinson has become increasingly concerned while playing ‘Persona Non Grata: Heaven’s Light Hell’s Power,’ as the game’s tutorial seemed very focused on photographing the characters the game was going out of its way to remind him are meant to be high school students.
“You know, a lot of games have screenshotting or photography as a mechanic, I didn’t think anything of it. Then one of the girls started blushing the closer my lens got to her skirt’s hemline, and…I mean I know they’re drawings voiced by adults, but if someone saw me playing this, they could very easily get the wrong idea,” Robinson commented. “I really wish I didn’t check that box to send anonymized gameplay information to the developers. At least, I hope it’s anonymized.”
Head of Publishing for Atlast Studios, Akihiko Tanaka assured fans that there is nothing prurient or strange going on.
“We make games for people of all ages,” the 65-year old executive assured gamers, “and I can assure any fans: grown men taking photos of high school girls has a long, storied tradition! Why just yesterday, I took my camera up to—”
The call was abruptly cut off and the company declined to clarify further statements.
Gaming critic and sociology professor Anthony Nixon expounded on the blurry line that the game toes.
“Despite the teenage characters being drawn no different from the adult characters save for height,” remarked Nixon, “and dialog more reminiscent of college students, or early adults trying to recall what high school was like, the game nevertheless is set in a prestigious high school known as Kō Seiseki Kōkō Academia and the students seem to be a lot of the focus, despite the back of the box promising demonic entities and mystical adventures. There is one creative solution that gamers might try: just mentally age the characters to college, since they all talk about their futures in such absolute terms anyway. And maybe keep your door locked whenever you play it.”
At press time, Robinson stated that he had just purchased the recent “Silent Hill 2” remake, noting that it sounded like a meditative, peaceful experience with no objectionable content, whatsoever.
The release of the Nintendo Music app is exciting for many reasons. Not only do we now have high quality tracks from our favorite games from the past 40 years, but we can organize those tracks seamlessly into a sex playlist! Don’t act like you haven’t thought of doing it. To get the ball rolling, here are the top 10 best Nintendo tracks for when things are getting hot and heavy. And yes, these have been playtested.
“K.K. Cruisin’ ” – Animal Crossing
If you want to surprise your partner after a rough day of work with a sexy, fun evening all you need to do is turn down the lights, pour some wine, and put on this R&B banger. Once K.K. Slider’s silky smooth vocals kick in, neither of will be thinking about deadlines or bosses or repaying those bells you borrowed.
GCN Waluigi Stadium – Mario Kart 8
Truth be told there’s nothing remotely sexual about this, like at all. But for some reason anything Waluigi related is an instant aphrodisiac like ginkgo biloba or those boner pills you find in gas station bathrooms. Sneak this in between “Let’s Get It On” and “Sexual Healing”, you can thank us later.
Wii Shop Channel – Wii
Shopping at a time like this? Well no, but if you need to last longer and can’t distract yourself by thinking of baseball (Super Mario Sluggers hasn’t been added yet), set this in the middle of your playlist and sing the lyrics to “Update Day” in your head. It should buy you four or five more minutes, but the way Jay McCaroll says “Harvest Moon” will put you at a 40% chance of premature ejaculation.
Aquatic Ambiance – Donkey Kong Country
It’s one of the greatest ambient tracks produced via any medium, and it’s stood the test of time because there’s always been something sensual about a serene, tranquil underwater setting where you’re stabbing piranhas with a swordfish. The ethereal synths will heighten your senses for a purely transcendental experience. Bonus points if you’re banging on a water bed.
Meta Ridley Battle – Metroid Prime
Nothing like a little industrial/techno to get the heart racing, but there’s also the subtext of the unending blood feud between Samus and Ridley to drive that intensity between the sheets. Set this one to repeat and neither of you will be able to walk the next day.
In the Guardian’s Sights – Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
If you need your partner to wrap it up or you’re just down for a quickie, there’s nothing like a panic-inducing piano tune to trigger their flight or fight response. Trust us, everyone who played BotW has PTSD from this song and the human body is capable of doing some surprising things when they think about having a laser beam pointed at them.
Happy Little Workers/Grizzco – Splatoon 3
Hear us out! The Grizzco theme’s unsettling tone and lack of consistent rhythm perfectly suits any bedroom adorned with chains, whips, and handcuffs. What’s hotter than making your sub run around collecting eggs for you? On the flipside, the song also works for when the sex was trash and you want them out of your apartment as quickly as possible.
Fever – Dr. Mario
The ol’ doctor and patient roleplay is timeless, and who better to help fulfill those fantasies than Mario himself? Oh sure the upbeat chiptune Game Boy music may seem out of place at first, but when you’re in the middle of “thoroughly checking someone’s vitals” nobody is going to care. It’s about making it as real as possible! Plus it’ll also serve as a reminder to get checked for STDs.
The Entire Soundtrack – Super Mario Galaxy
If there’s two things in life you don’t forget, it’s the day you lost your virginity and the day you booted up Super Mario Galaxy for the first time. The vast majority of arrangements that make up the game’s one hour and thirty minute soundtrack are better than sex, so even if you just end up doing hand stuff it’ll feel like the first time over and over.
The Star Allies Have Your Back! – Kirby Star Allies
What is an orgy but a group of allies working toward a common goal of a continuous three hour orgasm? Like the game’s epic finale where all of Kirby’s friends throughout the game come together to destroy Void Termina, you and the 30 people who answered your Craigslist ad will come together and destroy the limits of ecstasy.
CHICAGO — Local Krav Maga instructor Keith Moore was seen posing with his new Rebel Alliance tattoo at a police union’s protest management training event, sources report.
“I love the rebel alliance and what they stand for, almost as much as I love seeing body armor-clad riot police flog student protestors who disrupt our nation’s security,” said Moore. “Every time I see one of our boys in blue pepper spray a group of young activists or detain a teenager for calling them names, I get a wild rush. It’s like watching Luke Skywalker fight Darth Vader. Those ANTIFA scum have the media on their side! All police have are their wits, body armor, rubber bullets, real bullets and surplus military vehicles. It’s a tough fight, but like Han Solo said, “never tell me the odds!”
Police Union Rep Duncan Dugan says Moore is a regular at police union events despite having never served with the police or the military.
“Keith comes to our events all the time! He’s always talking about Star Wars and how riot police are like real Jedi,” Dugan said. “The guy is a movie buff! This week it was the rebel alliance tattoo, but last week he showed up to our ‘Tear Gas and You’ seminar with a White Tree of Gondor tattoo from Lord of the Rings. He said George Soros is Sauron, the protesters are the orcs and the police are noble rangers of Gondor. I bet it would be fun to see a movie with Ketih. Whenever we have a speaker come in to talk about how it’s better to shoot to kill than maim, he starts to clap and cheer. We love his energy!”
Tattoo artist Taylor Mayo says they didn’t learn Moore had never been to the same tattoo artist twice until after working on his Rebel Alliance tattoo.
“I fucking hate that guy,” said Mayo. “He spent half the session talking about different choke holds he knew how to do. I do Rebel Alliance tattoos all the time, they’re the McChicken of the tattoo world, but at least the people who ask for them have seen and understand Star Wars. I think Keith has seen Star Wars, but I doubt he would understand anything that isn’t explained to him via a YouTube video of a guy ranting in his truck. I’ve also never seen someone cry so much while getting a tattoo either.”
At press time, Moore announced his next tattoo will honor fictional underdog Judge Dredd.
BURBANK, Calif. — Warner Bros Studios has announced their 2025 slate, with “Untitled Popcorn Bucket Project” being a topic of discussion nationwide, confused sources confirmed.
“We’re really excited to share our newest projects with you,” Warner Bros spokesperson Maisie Paisley explained. “While we can’t dive too much into the details, we can tell you that this bucket will have a budget of $150 million and we hope it spawns a bucket-matic universe with at least three sequels. We can’t wait for you to see it! There will also be a movie to go along with it.”
Internal leaks have revealed just how comprehensive the bucket-making process has been. One memo revealed that Warner Bros hired a “Fuckability Consultant” to make their buckets both flirty and functional.
“It’s been one of the craziest projects I’ve ever been a part of,” Fuckability Consultant and former adult film prop artist John Raremy explained in a livestream after a search for the consultant went viral. “After the ‘Dune’ popcorn bucket became a de-facto Fleshlight, Warner Bros realized that centering their designs around sexual arousal would make them the most money, and thus hired me.”
While the popcorn bucket has dominated mainstream discourse regarding Warner Bros’ slate, others have tried to learn more about the movie accompanying the bucket.
“The writing process has been a nightmare,” Former staff writer Paige Turner expressed frustration about the lack of direction. “The executives just want us to write a movie around the bucket. So essentially all we have to work with is making a movie about something aluminum and fuckable; ‘Ex Machina’ has already been made! I had no choice but to resign along with a few of my coworkers.”
At press time, Warner Bros announced that both the popcorn bucket and its subsequent movie have been shelved and written off for tax purposes.
The “indie Metroidvania” has become a cliché at this point, which I understand. The old Super Metroid/Symphony of the Night formula is proven, flexible, relatively easy to make, and has produced some big hits like Axiom Verge and Hollow Knight. I’d also point to a few personal favorites here like Timespinner and Iconoclasts.
The genre has been in the process of mutating for the last few years, however. Somewhere along the line, someone decided to start stealing mechanics from Soulslike games, like limited healing or a parry system, and fusing them into Metroidvanias.
The results have been mixed. Sometimes it works out – for example, I know several people who really like Ender Lilies – but more often it creates a game that’s both inaccessible and depressing.
Awaken – Astral Blade manages to break out that mold. I played it for the first time at an indie show a few months ago, where I was surprised by how easily I picked it up. It’s much more accessible than a lot of games in this particular lane; you get thrown right into the action and the combat has a nice fluid rhythm to it that’s more like Devil May Cry than anything else. It gets distinctly rougher as you reach its midpoint, but this is a better attempt at this sort of genre chimera than most of the indie games I’ve seen.
You play Awaken as Tania, a “combat bionic” who’s been dispatched as a one-bot rescue mission. A team of corporate researchers went missing on the isolated Horace Islands after reports of a major archaeological discovery, and Tania’s job is to find them.
The island is full of mutated plants and animals, created by wellsprings of an unknown form of energy. Soon, Tania’s creator/surrogate father orders her to investigate the source of that energy, which leads her to question her purpose, discover the Horace Islands’ complicated history, and fight a procession of biomechanical horrors.
You do have to acknowledge that Awaken wears most of its influences on its sleeve. Tania’s starting combos include Vergil’s Lunar Phase and Dante’s Stinger; it uses the Dark Souls checkpoint/health flask system; and of course, Tania is a sad white-haired android girl dressed in black clubwear, like a slightly better-adjusted 2B. Creativity is largely a question of hiding your sources, and Awaken didn’t hide shit.
That being said, what got me interested in Awaken in the first place is that Tania starts with most of her core skills. You begin the game with a sword and a forward dodge that doubles as an air dash, and quickly get taught how to end your combos with a “Power Surge” that allows for big, high-damage finishers. It’s relatively simple, but once you learn each enemy’s rhythm, you can style on most of them. Most of what I tried to do in Awaken worked, whether I was trying to use the combo system or not.
One of my pet hatreds about Soulslike combat, or at least the watered-down indie version thereof, is how you’re consistently placed in a defensive position. You have to watch for attacks, then dodge/parry them and counter. Awaken doesn’t force that approach; it’s powerful, but it’s not mandatory. It also doesn’t gate any of Tania’s core abilities behind a skill tree. I have a lot of pet peeves about how action games work in 2024, and Awaken simply doesn’t do most of them.
Most of Awaken’s challenge is reserved for its bosses, each of which has a broad assortment of attacks and at least two distinct phases. You can only heal in Awaken by using the 3 “flower flasks” that Tania carries around with her, so you can’t brute-force a boss by power-leveling or burning resources. The only way to clear Awaken is practice. Some of the bosses initially feel like brick walls, but patience, pattern recognition, and a few key upgrades can get you past them.
As you reach the game’s halfway point, however, Awaken hits a few unique snags. It’s got a couple of mid-game upgrades that don’t work particularly well but are also treated as critical, like the “gravity jump” skill, as well as an occasional emphasis on obnoxious platforming challenges. Awaken is at its best when it’s a fast-moving 2D spectacle fighter, and everything that gets in the way of me trashing robots/mutants/robot mutants drags down the whole.
Awaken also has a dose of the same impenetrability that Evotinction did, where it’s written like its prologue is missing. It’s particularly weird as you get further into the Horace Islands, as it engages a full, potentially complex subplot about the two extinct societies that initially settled the island… and then drops it like a hot rock. The story isn’t hard to follow, but it takes a lot of manic swerves.
As a result, Awaken – Astral Blade is a mixed bag. It’s got a great combat system that’s well worth expanding on, as well as some deeply weird environments, but its back half could have used some extra refinement. I loved the first couple of hours, though, and there’s real potential here. I’d like to see what the same team did with a new project.
[Awaken – Astral Blade, developed by Dark Pigeon Games and published by ESDigital Games, is now available for PlayStation 4&5 and Steam for $19.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an ESDigital Games PR representative.]
LOS ANGELES – Fans of the Jigsaw killer and the Saw franchise are getting another prequel that goes back even further into the origin story of John Kramer. Called Young Jigsaw, the film will follow an adolescent Kramer, played by the ever spry, Tobin Bell, as he learns the tools of the trade that eventually lead to his life as Jigsaw.
CEO of Lionsgate Entertainment, Jon Feltheimer, confirmed the existence of the upcoming prequel during Lionsgate’s latest earnings call.
“The one constant in Lionsgate’s history, aside from me of course, is the superb Saw franchise that our partners at Twisted Pictures have continued to surprise us with,” Feltheimer said, before the 73-year-old CEO busted out 20 body squats in the middle of the video presentation. “Saw X took us back to Jigsaw’s early days. With Young Jigsaw, we’ll go back to John Kramer’s middle school days and answer the questions viewers have been asking since the series began, like ‘how’d John get into civil engineering’ or ‘why does Tobin Bell look like he hasn’t aged a day over 21?”
Feltheimer continued the call singing praises for the talented cast of Young Jigsaw. His most glowing words were reserved for Tobin Bell in the titular role.
“I’ve seen an early cut of the film, twice. Both times someone had to point out Tobin to me,” Feltheimer said, switching from body squats to jumping jacks. “We had a lot of background middle schoolers in the movie and Tobin just blended in with them like it was nothing. At this rate, I don’t see why we couldn’t follow Jigsaw through high school, and all four years of his undergrad program at NJIT.”
To end the call, Feltheimer brought out his grandson, who he introduced as the future of Lionsgate.
“I love my grand dad, but I am going to be honest, he don’t got the rizz,” the nepo baby said before removing his flat bill hat and revealing he was in fact Tobin Bell putting on a masterclass in acting. “In all seriousness though, I love working with Jon and hope we get to keep making these movies until they put us both six feet under.”
At press time Bell was spotting Feltheimer on the bench press as the CEO proceeded to rep out 225-pounds for a set of three to wrap up the earnings call.
We here in Washington D.C. hope that you have been enjoying your free trial of the Department of Education. This is a friendly reminder that your free trial period ends January 20, 2025, and we would hate for you to lose access to the Department’s great features that will totally still be there after inauguration day.
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With the free version of our service, you may have noticed that some public schools weren’t all that well funded, and that is in no way due to systemic inequities resulting from tying public school funding to local property taxes. These places are just inherently bad and they’re there to serve bad kids, and by “bad” kids, we may or may not mean kids that happen to be “poor”, or “brown”, or “had their limbs shot off by an AR-15 in 3rd period English class”. If you upgrade to our paid service today, we can find an empty spot at the almost-fancy private school that our buddy runs and your child can learn about our lord and savior Jesus on the taxpayer’s dime away from all those woke freaks. That’s if you’ve already got the money, of course; education is a privilege and not a human right, after all.
But hey, what if you actually are one of those poor weirdos? We’ve read all of your suggestions about our free trial’s “Student Loan” feature, and we are happy to report that starting next year, this feature will be fully privatized. That means in just two short months, the payments you’ve been making for the entirety of your post-graduate lives while working two jobs that refuse to pay you overtime will be overseen by a team of loving businesses. And as we all know, large corporations historically always meet the needs of the working class! Expect low interest rates especially once the profits from the 80s finally trickle down which is definitely going to happen any day now!
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Remove protections for those privileged gay and trans kids.
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NEW YORK — A routine noise complaint in a Brooklyn apartment turned tragic Thursday night, leaving three dead and one hospitalized as authorities and neighbors search for answers.
NYPD Captain Toad provided details in a press conference the following day:
“We dispatched to the residence after operators received several distressed calls regarding elevated noise and possible domestic disturbance. Unfortunately, responders were unable to de-escalate the situation after learning a substantial quantity of gold coins may be on the premises. We are currently investigating the whereabouts of the stolen property.”
Police have withheld the identities of everyone involved, but captioned body cam footage released by the department shows four individuals in a heated argument before engaging in a violent melee.
“LEMME READ THE TUTORIAL IN PEACE OR I’MA GONNA DROWN YOUR RICH ***** GIRLFRIEND IN A PIPE FULL OF KOOPA ****, YOU FAT ****!” shouted one suspect who was then bludgeoned with large dice by a similarly-dressed character replying, “LETSA GO, IT’S TWO ****ING BUTTONS, *****. MAMA MIA WOULDA SMOTHERED YOU IN THE CRIB IF SHE KNEW YOU DUMB*** WAS GONNA STEAL FROMA YOU BROTHER!”
Neighbors expressed shock and remorse in interviews conducted by local news networks.
“They invited us to their jamboree but we declined, we’ve been to parties there before and they get rowdy — but never anything like this. We called the cops hoping they’d just break it up early. At worst we expected they might kill Bow-Wow… but shooting everyone? It’s a tragedy. I’m really going to miss Mario, he was handy to have around and a great doubles partner.”
At press time, coroner toxicology reports suggest extreme levels of psilocybin as a possible aggravating factor at the gathering.
