Adventuring is tough work. After a long day of fighting vicious beasts and ancient machines, every hero needs to take some time for themselves. Lucky for Link, he and he alone has access to over 130 ancient shrines scattered across Hyrule. So no matter where his adventures take him, our hero can always find a place to pop off and polish the ol’ Master Sword. This is a list of some of his favorites, The Ten Best BOTW Shrines Ranked by How Often Link is Going There to Masturbate.
10. Kee Dafunia
You know you’ve become the true champion of Hyrule when you have your own Jack Shack right off the coast. Coming to the surface during only the first light of day, this shrine is perfect for quiet afternoons of furious self-pleasure under the waves.
9. Gorae Torr
Every hero has their fair share of enemies, and you can’t truly unwind if you’re always looking over your shoulder. So if security is an issue, this is the shrine for you. With a Goron bouncer keeping watch, you can drop trou without fear that each stroke could be your last.
8. Zuna Kai
High on a pillar above majestic Skull Lake, this shrine boasts privacy and Immaculate vibes just in time for fall. Though be warned Kilton has been known to pop in from time to time looking for a different kind of monster parts.
7. Jitan Sa’mi
What could be more restorative than an evening with one’s own hand in the presence of the Dragon Naydra and the Spring of Wisdom? The restorative waters of the spring bring about even deeper levels of PNC (post-nut clarity), and mid-session prayers to the goddess Hylia can grant that extra stamina you may need to push through.
6. Tena Ko’sah
A Major Test of Strength is putting it mildly. With close proximity to both a Fairy Fountain and memories of our ex, this shrine can prove too much to handle for some adventurers. But for those with wills as strong as their grip, this shine can provide fulfilling and cathartic evenings.
5. Hawa Koth
This remote desert spot is usually reserved for mediation on heavy hallucinogens. But for a weary adventurer, it can just as easily provide a shady spot to rub one out. Under the bones of an ancient creature and in close proximity to a fairy fountain, this shrine serves to remind you of your place within the dance of life.
4. Keo Ruug
At the foot of the great Deku, feel yourself become one with the korok forest. Here, a sword has slept for centuries, aching to be released. Koroks will be watching, partially with genuine curiosity and partially with disgust.
3. Saas Ko’sah
For when the monotony of guarding the castle becomes too much, this shrine becomes a castle within the castle with you alone to rule it. Hidden behind a fake bookshelf, this shrine has been used by castle guards for centuries, keeping them sharp and focused.
2. Shee Vaneer/Venath
For those times when you’re with a friend, the twin peak shrines of Shee Vaneer and Shee Venath can provide each adventurer their own space while remaining connected. This shared experience is said to be one of the most intimate in all of Hyule.
1. Dila Maag
At the heart of the desert Labyrinth, this shrine is the perfect marriage of mental and physical stimulation. These ancient and sacred spaces remain cool all day despite the scorching heat of the surrounding desert. I’m sure that whatever lost civilization constructed this labyrinth would be pleased we’ve still found some use for it.
