Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Redditor Hopes It’s Not Too Late to Answer 3-Year-Old Advice Post From Drowning Man

Posted on May 24, 2021 by Gabe Porter

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. — Optimistic Reddit user DonaldDank72 recently posted a comment detailing extensive advice on how to save yourself from drowning on a three-year-old post asking for help on the subject, hopeful sources confirm.

“I always try to help out when I can,” DonaldDank72 said about the ten-paragraph-long explanation on how to not drown. “At first, I wasn’t sure if I should comment. It was a pretty old post. But then I realized, hey, maybe he could still be out there flailing around in the ocean, which you should never do! I know quite a bit about drowning, specifically what to do to avoid it. So if he’s out there, I just hope that my comment was able to aid him in his time of need. If it did, I really hope he gives that comment some gold. I think I deserve that much.”

One of the subreddit’s moderators, SpunkMeisterFlash, added some of his own perspective on the situation.

“Oh yeah, we all knew that OP was basically dead when we saw that post. It was marked as urgent and in it, he said he needed some quick advice right now,” said the moderator. “I’m not sure how helpful it will be to the OP, but I’ll leave the post up for now in case that comment could help someone else who’s drowning in the future.”

Browsing DonaldDank72’s comment history showcases his desire to help other Redditors by offering them extremely late advice.

“I love helping people, it’s what I do best,” he said while typing on his computer. “Like last week, I wrote a comment on how to survive a bear attack. That post was only a couple of months old, so I’m sure my help was appreciated. Right now I’m helping a woman that was caught in the Texas snowstorm. One good deed every day, right?”

At press time, DonaldDank72 had navigated back to /r/OhGodPleaseHelpImDying, sorted by “New”, and scrolled all the way to the bottom to find more posts to reply to.

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This $400 ‘Try Not to Cum’ Masterclass Dropped Its Price to $30 Today

Posted on May 23, 2021 by Joe Tilleli

Trying Not to Cum is increasing in popularity, but folks coming into the hobby sometimes struggle with getting started. This new Masterclass, which is on sale for $30, can be an exciting entrypoint for gamers struggling to hold their load.

While these titillating educational courses are almost impossible not to click on, they are even more insurmountable to actually sit through without getting your pants all sticky. As usual, Masterclass has gathered the absolute best in the field of Not Cumming, and they are willing to share their secrets on empowering your pelvic region to spiritually embody the Hoover Dam.

If you’re interested in learning this vital form of restraint, you can invest in a course that’ll teach you the ropes as a beginner. The Try Not to Cum course typically goes for $400, but it’s 92.5% percent off for only $29.99 for a limited time. This course will be a great introduction to looking at cartoon boobies without bursting your load.

Every course has something to offer. While learning not to jizz big loads is best done in person and in a group where you can practice with others, Trying Not to Cum online is a great way to get started, especially if you’re staying home these days watching nothing but hentai videos over and over again. For only $29.99, it’s quite the steal.

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Prices subject to change.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

D&D Player Fails Stealth Check for Fart at Table

Posted on May 23, 2021 by John Dixon

WEATHERFORD, Okla. — A local tabletop roleplaying group is in disarray after player Joel Robinson failed the stealth check necessary to conceal the rancid fart he let loose at the table.

“It’s bullshit, I’m the party rogue so that stealth check should’ve had advantage,” Robinson said, surreptitiously waving his hand behind him. “Plus it was such a big one that I’m kinda convinced I might have interfered with the dice roll so I should get a do-over.”

Amelia Bradford, another party member who plays as the group’s sorcerer, indicated that Robinson seemed to have a gross misunderstanding of how in-game mechanics intersect with one’s actions at the table.

“Rolling a bunch of dice is never going to conceal a sound and scent of that magnitude, no matter how many sides they have,” Bradford said. “It also doesn’t help to start accusing other players and derailing the session to keep arguing about who was responsible.”

Dominic Choi, a game designer from Wizards of the Coast, cited the incident as one of many reasons why Dungeons & Dragons is such a unique and challenging game for both players and dungeon masters.

“As a dungeon master, you need to be able to think on your feet and incorporate real life factors into your storytelling,” Choi said. “Instances like farting at the table can be explained as passing through a bog or a nearby corpse. However, those explanations can only work so many times, so you have to continue to innovate in order to maintain party immersion even in the face of the nastiest beefs.”

At press time, the dungeon master of Robinson’s party was engaged in a spirited debate with his players over whether the overwhelming stench should count as poison damage or psychic damage.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Photo via Alison Warner.

Yoshi Game Just a Little Too Obviously for Children

Posted on May 21, 2021 by Chandler Dean

KETTERING, Ohio — Less than an hour into playing her new copy of Yoshi’s Crafted World, local gamer Maureen Teague was disappointed to realize that the game was just a little too obviously aimed toward children for her to enjoy.

“Don’t get me wrong; I’m a Nintendo fan. I love playing games that are intended for children,” Teague explained as she swapped the Yoshi’s Crafted World cartridge for Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker. “But the key issue is whether I can suspend my disbelief enough to feel okay ripping through the story as a grown adult. This Yoshi game kinda falls into the uncanny valley for people old enough to know the term ‘uncanny valley.’”

Teague went on to note that there’s a big difference between the brightly-colored, gentle, simplistic design of Yoshi’s Crafted World and the other brightly-colored, gentle, simplistic games that she enjoys.

“When a Mario game is easy, I can claim it’s because, I dunno, the controls are intuitive or the difficulty curve is well-calibrated or whatever,” Teague continued. “But with this Yoshi game, it’s hard to escape the sinking feeling that it’s basically impossible to die because it would be too traumatizing for a three-year-old to handle. Which of course, makes me feel that much worse when I inevitably die.”

Another local gamer and parent, Buzzy Smith, shared Teague’s insecurities about being into the Yoshi franchise.

“I love the Nintendo Switch because there are so many games on there I can play with my six-year-old son,” Smith said while picking up loose toys from around his living room. “But Yoshi isn’t one of ‘em. Every time I try to fire that one up, my kid stares daggers at me like I’m pathetic. So I have to play it when he’s not around, and it honestly feels really weird.”

At press time, both Smith and Teague put away their copies of Yoshi’s Crafted World in the same drawer where they keep their My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic merch.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Stitcher Rebrands as Dating App for Parasocial Relationships

Posted on May 21, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Popular podcast app Stitcher announced today that they are rebranding as a dating app, specifically for parasocial relationships.

“Simply put, creators are moving away from the premium podcast model and diving into the Patreon system. It’s time for us to look at what we do best and pull that out to make it our new thing. And for us, that’s parasocial relationships,” explained Stitcher CEO Erik Diehn. “We have been helping people find the parasocial loves of their lives for years and now we can do that on a wider scale.”

“Now does that mean we’re going to change anything about the app? Not really,” he added. “Now when you log on, Stitcher will prompt you with a series of questions about your personality and what kind of person you’re looking to meet, who will never know your name despite the fact that you know everything about them. Then it will just let you listen to the McElroy brothers and their wives, like normal.”

Podcasting fans, many of which have taken issue with Stitcher in the past, praised the decision.

“There’s already so many dating apps for all the different lifestyles out there. There’s dating apps for people who just wanna fuck, there’s gay dating apps, there’s unicorn-hunting dating apps, there’s ones with girls on them, etc.,” said podcast fan Chris Santos. “It just feels more honest now when I log in to my podcast app and download two hours of a show just so I can hear a few more intimate details about the lives of the Hollywood Handbook hosts. Those guys are my boyfriends whether they know it or not. And they don’t.”

Podcasters, however, have had more mixed reactions about the news.

“It was already a little creepy to know that thousands of people knew everything about me, but at least I could pretend it was just because I was making a cool piece of art,” said the host of comedy podcast Devilish Advocates. “Now it’s a little more in my face.”

“I like it! I always say I freak out when people DM a screenshot of my home in Google Maps, but honestly, it gives me a bit of a thrill!” explained the host of relationships podcast I’m Dating Myself Here. “Bring it on, freaks!”

“Holy shit is my podcast even on Stitcher? I’ve been trying for months to get through their system,” said the host of true crime podcast Detective Farty Pants.

At press time, Stitcher announced they were adding a feature that let podcast hosts “swipe left” on listeners they find unattractive.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Develop your own parasocial relationship with our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

‘Metroid’ Remaster Forces Players to Play as Male Samus Unless They Purchase $25 Female Samus Amiibo

Posted on May 20, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced a surprise HD remaster of the original Metroid today in which you have to play as a male Samus unless you purchase a female Bikini Samus Amiibo with it for $25.

“We’re really excited about giving new fans access to such a classic, but come on — we still gotta get paid, right?” explained series designer Yoshio Sakamoto. “Everybody loves the iconic reveal that Samus is a woman, and if you want that sort of quality-of-life update, you’re just gonna have to pay up. We know you can’t actually see what Samus looks like under all that armor, but unless you buy a $25 amiibo, that’s a guy. Sorry!”

According to those familiar with the situation, the game alerts players when they boot up with a message which clarifies that Samus is indeed “a guy” underneath his armor if they have not purchased the amiibo.

“Let me be perfectly clear: if you don’t give us the money, Samus is canonically a dude wearing board shorts under that armor the entire time. No undies underneath. You know what? Fuck it. His name is just Sam,” Sakamoto added. “This is all a big experiment to see what people are willing to do to get their beloved features. Their feachies, as they call them. We’re more than willing to give Mario just two jumps in the next game if people don’t pay up for that third. OK? We’re not fucking around here.”

At press time, Nintendo announced that players will be able to automatically unlock all future Amiibo-restricted content by simply purchasing a towering $500 fifteen-foot-tall Shigeru Miyomoto amiibo.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Divorced, Disheveled Bill Gates Announces Everyone Is Getting a Free Xbox

Posted on May 19, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

MEDINA, Wash. — Desperately attempting to sway public opinion back into his favor after his divorce, billionaire Bill Gates announced today that he would be launching a new initiative focused on getting everyone a brand new Xbox.

“I know Melinda is probably saying some really hurtful stuff about how I was friends with Jeffrey Epstein to try to turn public opinion on me,” Gates said. “But she’s just mad about how much fun we’re all gonna have playing the Master Chief Collection and splurging on name-brand stuff she didn’t want us having before, like Chips Ahoy and Moderna. Bill’s gonna be the cool billionaire, you’ll see.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Gates’ new live situation has no furniture, but prominently features a sword rack, a DVD copy of 2010’s Dinner for Schmucks, and a shelf of unopened limited release beer cans he claimed he was collecting.

“This is nothing new for ole Bill here,” Gates said while repumping his air mattress. “When I was young, I dropped out of Harvard and built Microsoft in a garage. Now I’m dropping out of my marriage to build a new life. I’m even starting out in a garage again! I’m calling it the Dude Zone and we’re gonna have so much fun chillaxin’ in here.”

Gates’ generosity however did raise concerns about whether this would be a feasible financial move for Microsoft.

“Honestly if this gets Bill to leave me alone I’ll take the hit,” said Xbox head executive Phil Spencer. “I feel bad for him, but he keeps calling me to come out on Tuesday and blow all my money on young special interest groups with him. I can’t live like that! I’m a married man and a working class multi-millionaire. I get that he’s going through a lot — he just went through a big divorce and his buddy Jeffrey just died — but I’m a busy guy and I just gave out millions of free Xboxes.”

At press time, Gates later clarified that in order to receive their Xbox, fans must “be cool” when he brings over his 20-year-old girlfriend.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Sony Releases PS5 That’s Just the Disc Drive

Posted on May 18, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — Sony announced this morning that they have developed a PlayStation 5 that’s just the disc drive.

“We did the PS5 that had a console and a disc drive. Then we did a PS5 that had a console and no disc drive. Well I think our fans would be pretty disappointed if we didn’t complete the trifecta and release a PS5 that was no console and just a disc drive,” said a statement from Sony today on social media. “Well that’s exactly what we have done. Introducing: the Disc Drive PS5.”

Sony Interactive Entertainment CEO Jim Ryan released a quick video after the announcement to explain the specs of the new console.

“We are incredibly excited for fans to get their hands on the Disc Drive PS5, which is, of course, just a disc drive, and not attached to any console at all,” Ryan explained. “Fans will be able to insert any physical copy of a PlayStation 5 game into their disc drive, and watch it spin around. They will not be able to play any games on the PS5, or connect to a TV or monitor, but they can watch the disc spin around in that drive all they want. The launch price for the new console will be $499.”

Video game fans, divided across console war lines, are split on the announcement.

“Holy shit this is so cool!!!!!” said Twitter user @GodOfLore2002. “It rules so hard that you play almost ANY PlayStation 4 game on the new Disc Drive PS5 and even some PS3 games are backwards compatible! I can’t wait to watch The Sims 2 spin around this bad boy!”

“Ugh what the fuck this is so lame,” said Twitter user @HaloHowAreYou2001. “Dude, Microsoft lets you play literally any game you want on Xbox Game Pass so long as you don’t want to play Horizon: Zero Dawn, God of War, Spider-Man, or Demon’s Souls or whatever. Imagine how much it must suck to not be able to play Forza whenever you want for just $5 a month.”

At press time, in an attempt to compete with the growing popularity of the Disc Drive PS5, Microsoft announced that they were developing a thumb drive field featuring thousands of Xbox and third party games and a crushed usb input so that you cannot plug it into any computer.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

IGN Premieres New Mario Golf Trailer, Reminding Readers It Supports Mario and Bowser Equally

Posted on May 17, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Video game website IGN has reportedly taken down a post made early this morning featuring new footage from Nintendo’s upcoming Mario Golf: Super Rush, replacing it with a long explanation of its support for both Mario and Bowser.

The removed post, which simply read “Can’t wait to hit the links as Mario next month!” accompanied by the game’s new trailer, was taken down early this morning, and replaced by a post with comments disabled.

“We’re sorry if our post earlier today missed the mark,” it began. “We’d just like to remind everyone that IGN supports all of the character’s rights to participate in the new Battle Golf mode of play this game is introducing. By highlighting only Mario, the post mistakenly gave the impression that we were aligned with one side. This was not our intention and we sincerely regret the error.”

Many on the internet cried foul over what they saw as blatant corporate meddling. According to those close to the situation, IGN’s parent company JR Global receives millions of dollars annually from an undisclosed source within the Mushroom Kingdom who many believe is King Koopa himself.

“Look, the media tries like hell to convince us that he’s totally cool these days,” said one Twitter user. “But I remember my childhood, I saw Bowser do some fucked up shit. They can’t keep trying to convince us Bowser is a good guy here, it’s not working anymore.”

At press time, IGN Mushroom Kingdom released a statement praising the decision, and further stating that any criticism of Bowser’s regime is a criticism of all koopas.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Biden Has Aides Tattoo Legislature Plans on Body

Posted on May 17, 2021 by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — Drawing inspiration from the Christopher Nolan film Memento, President Joe Biden announced today that he has enlisted aides to tattoo his legislature plans directly onto his body, to prevent forgetfulness by reminding himself of his policies anytime he checks the mirror.

“I think it’s a good idea, whenever I look in the mirror I seem to remember things that slipped through the cracks,” Biden told the press this morning, waving to . “Also I — wait…who are you? Why the fuck are you in my office? Nice to meet you, I’m Joe Biden.”

One of Biden’s aides, Cece Robinson, spoke about how the measures help the President stay on track and streamline productivity.

“The tattoos are mostly general information. They say things like ‘You are Joe Biden. You are the President of the United States.’ Just so he remembers,” explained Robinson. “We also gave him ‘Never answer the phone’ as a tattoo just to make sure he avoids putting his foot in his mouth in interviews or conversations with foreign leaders.”

Robinson also elaborated on further Memento-themed measures aides have instigated to help Biden remain focused.

“In addition to the tattoos, we also slip a polaroid into his pants pocket every morning,” Robinson said. “It’s a picture of Pete Buttigieg with ‘DON’T BELIEVE HIS LIES’ written underneath, just so he never falls for any of Buttigieg’s wily tactics. The guy already managed to sneak his way into the Department of Transportation!”

Robinson also spoke about concerns she had with the plan going forward.

“Honestly, our biggest concern is the remaining space for more tattoos,” Robinson said. “Biden’s tall, but he’s scrawny, and if he ever rolls out a new healthcare plan, we’re screwed trying to commit that all to ink. We’d probably need to do a full sleeve just to keep him in the loop. I’m just glad we did this now instead of when he first got into office. It would be pretty annoying trying to remove all the tattoos about bussing and crime bills.”

At press times, aides were scrambling to catch the President after he somehow found a handgun and began running around the White House in search of Beau Biden’s killer.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

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