Dystopian Predictions of the Future Could Not Have Predicted Today’s Reality: $70 Video Games

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Analysts warned today that we have reached a new apocalyptic crisis which even the worst models could not have predicted: video games that cost $70.

“People often say that they are worried about the coming video game price apocalypse, but what they don’t realize is that we’re already living it,” said Dr. Frederick Miles. “If you manage to avoid having to pay $70 for a video game, it’s not because you acted morally right, it was simply due to luck or because you are a member of the special class of elites who get to play games for free because you’re a journalist or know a guy at the company who gave you a code.”

Experts are warning that if we want to fight the coming $70 video game crisis, we need to act now.

“In many ways, it’s too late. We may never see a future where video game prices go back down to $60 or even $65, but if we fight like hell and push our representatives in Congress, we can work to keep those prices at just $70 for as long as we can,” said video game price activist Tyreese Davison. “If we let things continue, however, we may be looking at a world that is simply uninhabitable for the next generation of gamers. AAA games that cost $80 or even $81 are a possibility. Hell, we may even eventually see $70 indie games on the market. And that’s just not livable.”

Progressive and gamer politicians are fighting for legislation to reduce the effects of $70 video games.

“We need to combat this as quickly as possible. That’s why I’m introducing a new bill called the Green Mario New Deal that fights this comprehensively,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “Other countries are dealing with these issues much better than ours. Gamers deserve to play a $60 video game on their Nintendo Switch on a high speed train instead of an airplane. Even on the other side of our border, Canada has already introduced Universal Basic Gamer Income to help people pay for increasingly expensive AAA games. But we need to act now as a country, and we need to work with other governments to combat this global issue of $70 video games.”

At press time, a California video game publisher tried to release a new first person shooter title for $75, causing a massive forest fire that is currently engulfing the state.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

IGN Switzerland Announces They Are Staying Neutral in Battle Between IGN America and IGN Israel

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ZÜRICH — After the American IGN published an article Saturday morning with ways to help Palestinians in the wake of an Israeli invasion and IGN Israel published a rebuttal, defending the actions of Israel and the IDF, IGN Switzerland has announced that they are staying completely neutral in the international battle between IGN websites.

“Lots of crazy shit going on between all the IGNs and we wanted to let people know that we’re just gonna post a bunch of stuff about Mario today,” said IGN Switzerland Editor-in-Chief Matteo Beaufort. “I just don’t really think that it’s our place to get involved, even though we’re kinda in the middle of this all as a fellow IGN website, so we’re going to stay neutral. Hope that’s cool with everyone.”

At press time, tensions rose further after IGN Israel completed a hostile takeover of the web servers on which the IGN Palestine website presides.

 

Lawyers Struggling to Defeat YouTuber Who Wrote “No Copyright Intended” in Video Description

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local YouTuber Martin Byrne has lawyers befuddled after uploading a video entitled ‘Epic Dragon Ball Z Goku Fights Vegeta [HD 1080p] [Awesome]’ to YouTube with the phrase “no copyright intended” in the description.

“The creators of Dragon Ball Z are payrolling our team, so we’re flush with resources, but I have no idea how we’re going to pull this off of YouTube. Maybe if Mr. Byrne had written ‘copyright intended’ in the description, we could nail him for his clear copyright infringement. But no,” said lead prosecutor Christine Doyle. “He even went so far as to say ‘I don’t own this video,’ which really fucked us up. Because we own the video. Now we can’t even argue that in court!”

According to sources close to the situation, the team has tried to trick Byrne into admitting that the video is not his, but to no avail.

“I commented on the video ‘do you own this?’ but the guy is too smart. He quickly responded ‘no.’ If he had said ‘yes’ there, he would have owed us millions of dollars. But we’re pretty much fucked now,” said lawyer Frank Rahman. “We’re investigating if we can nab him on a side complaint, such as the fact that his video clearly only goes to 720p definition, but it’s going to be tricky, since Mr. Byrne recently included ‘all rights reserved to video creator Dragon Ball’ in the description.”

Byrne, however, has remained positive that his video will remain online.

“I will delete my video. No copyright intended. It’s right there! If I had said ‘no copyright infringement,’ of course that’d be wrong. But I said ‘intended.’ No one will ever prove what I intended,” Byrne said. “Like Goku turning super saiyan four, my power level is far too high to be defeated. That’s from the video, which you can watch now on my channel until the end of time.”

At press time, a jury convicted Byrne of copyright infringement, but were forced to let him get away with paying no damages after he stood up and said “no damages intended.”

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Mass Shootings Drop to 0 After Congress Increases Minimum Death Requirement to 1,000

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Democrats and Republicans in the Senate voted unanimously today on a bill that raises the minimum number of deaths required for something to be considered a “mass shooting” to 1,000, virtually eliminating mass shootings from the United States.

“Gun reform is such an important issue in today’s America, and we are proud to have finally ended the prevalence of mass shootings in our society through a bipartisan reform,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer at a press conference. “It feels good to finally get things done. Now we can focus on moving forward and solving other important issues, like redesigning the American flag to feature more colors.”

Americans across the country have been quick to praise the new bill coming out of Congress.

“I’m just so happy that I can go about my life without having to worry about ending up in a mass shooting, now that the number is so high,” said Ohio resident Catherine Wilkerson. “Now if I got shot trying to go to the grocery store, I can die peacefully knowing that it was just a normal, run-of-the-mill shooting. That’s the America I know and love.”

Despite the praise, however, there have been various vocal opponents to the newly passed law.

“The new bill is a good start, but will it actually do anything to curb these shootings?” asked New York resident Matthew Hale. “We need politicians in office who are willing to do the work, piss off the gun lobbyists, and increase the minimum death requirement for a mass shooting to something like 1,500 or even 2,000. Otherwise, what are we doing?”

“We need to address the root cause of these issues,” Hale added. “Every gun in America should come with a little piece of paper that says ‘are you sure you wanna kill people?’ on it.”

“Let me just say that, as a law-abiding gun-owning citizen, this law is — excuse my language — fucking bullpoop,” said Texas resident Kris Waters. “The minimum requirement for a mass shooting should be 5. Hell, it should be 0. This is America! It’s right there in the damn Constitution that I should be able to mass shoot any time I want, even if I’m nowhere near a gun and no one has died.”

At press time, the United States experienced its first mass shooting since the new updated requirement.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Earth 616 Residents Wary of New Vaccine Developed by Team of Brilliant Scientists

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Residents of Earth 616’s New York City are reportedly wary of a new COVID-19 vaccine that was created by the top scientists of the alternate reality planet.

“Look, I believe in science as much as the next guy and I’m not conspiracy-minded in the slightest. We have to come up with a way to fight this pandemic. But… I don’t know. Most of our scientists are like, you know, evil octopus guys or mech-suit lizard guys or whatever. I don’t really trust them to make a vaccine that’s not gonna turn everyone into dinosaurs or something,” said local sales clerk Frank Gay. “There’s gotta be some way to make sure that the guys who made the COVID vaccine aren’t gonna end up smashing through a building after being punched by Spider-Man next week.”

Even after insistence from the CDC that the scientists working on the COVID-19 vaccine are superheroes, as opposed to supervillains, many Earth 616 residents are still wary of the life-saving shot.

“Ohhhh OK! Like that’s better! First of all, half of these fuckin’ superheroes turn into supervillains every other week already, OK?” said a visibly angry construction worker Tony Kavanagh. “And even if it’s the good guys! Let’s say it’s an honest-to-god good guy superhero genius working on this vaccine. 9 times out of 10, the guy is a famous playboy asshole dickhead. How do I know they’re not focused more on fucking some supermodel or manufacturing weapons for the government or killing a horde of aliens when they’re working on this thing? How do I know it’s not being made by a robot who turned human and has only been human for a month? I fucking hate this planet.”

To their credit, the scientists who are developing the new vaccine have insisted that their intentions are only to help people return to a more normal society following the coronavirus pandemic.

“Ha ha ha ha ha yes, yes, that’s it! I’m just trying to help people! That’s all I want… All I want,” said one cackling scientist who asked to be referred to as The Anteater. “Oooooh yes, I just want to go back to normal society! I don’t seek any revenge at all, no I don’t. Not one bit. NOT ONE BIT. I don’t want anyone to pay for the death of my sister. My sweet, beautiful Caroline, crushed by that wretched Spider-Man after he let a building collapse in midtown. NO! It’s just a vaccine. It’s juuuuuust a vaccine. So why don’t you take a shot… Spider-Man?!”

At press time, to the surprise of very few, the 50% of Earth 616 New Yorkers who took the COVID vaccine turned into dinosaurs. 

Mayor Bill de Blasio, however, announced that the dinosaurs were, in fact, immune to new and old strains of the novel coronavirus, and that both humans and dinosaurs should feel comfortable eating outdoors at restaurants.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

New GTA “Israel Mode” Gives Civilians a Little Pocket Knife so You Feel Better About Going on Murderous Rampage

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Grand Theft Auto 5 is getting a new Israel-themed game mode that gives tiny pocket knives to pedestrians, meaning you can murder random people on the street and burn the city to the ground without feeling too bad about it.

“When toggled on, this dynamic new feature will ease your conscience while you do all kinds of messed-up stuff to whoever you feel like. Will you physically see the pocket knife? Probably not, no. But we can promise you that it’s there and you’re free to go to town,” said a Rockstar spokesperson. “Pocket knives are dangerous. They could put an eye out with that thing.”

Rockstar also released a short demo video, which showed an RM-10 Bombushka raining bombs on Los Santos with the new mode toggled on.

“As you can see, we’ve kept the gameplay exactly the same. That means you get the thrill that comes with killing people from the sky, without feeling any pesky moral responsibility,” said the narrator of the demo while the bomber laid down another wave of explosives. “You have our word: There are pocket knives down there. You are basically defending yourself.”

The public beta has already proven wildly popular in America, where players have praised it for adding a feeling of balance to the game.

“So I was playing as Trevor, right? And I took a fighter jet and cleared out a bunch of trailer parks in the desert. Normally, I’d be like, ‘Whoa, Trevor is fucked up for killing all those people.’ Because it’s like, there could be kids in those trailers, you know? But with i-mode turned on, it’s different,” said longtime GTA player Dale Mayberry. “Because of the knives.”

Rockstar also included a teaser for their 4th of July event, which is rumored to celebrate America by adding more cops.

Newest Weird Jeff Goldblum Commercial Not Even an Ad for Anything

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A national thirty second television spot featuring iconic actor Jeff Goldblum does not appear to actually be spreading awareness of any brand or product, confused viewers have confirmed. 

“For thousands of years, people have sought answers to the biggest questions in the universe,” began the bewildering commercial that was recently seen around the nation, featuring a giant Jeff Goldblum walking through a forest, his head protruding from the treeline. “And that’s why with a little hard work, and the cooperation of some very important people, we humans are going to be just fine. You can mark my words.” 

“Thousands of years,” he repeated, seemingly to himself, before turning away from the camera and trampling off into the sunset on the horizon.

“That was so weird,” said Lisa Benson, who recently caught the widely debated “advertisement” on her local CBS station. “I like all those weird Jeff Goldblum commercials. It’s fun that he’s in on being this eccentric guy in all these movies everyone loves. But like, I figured this was going to be him trying to get me to go to Apartments.com or whatever at the end. But instead he just walked off into the sunset for a really long time, then you hear him yell ‘cut” and it ended. Was I supposed to see this?”

Network executives around the nation were also perplexed by the nature of the recent unanticipated Goldblum campaign. 

“We have no inside information as to what the story is with the giant Jeff Goldblum spot,” said Benjamin Rafton, a station manager at KCAL, where the commercial recently ran during an episode of Family Feud. “And frankly, it was bought and paid for by an anonymous source that, if I’m being honest, is quite clearly Mister Goldblum. His money’s good, and if this is how he wants to spend it, we’re not going to stop him.” 

As of press time, weird little videos of Jeff Goldblum running around fighting school children have begun playing at the beginning of many YouTube videos, causing further controversy and accusations for the beloved star of Jurassic Park. Frustrated viewers have reported that they cannot skip the videos, not because YouTube won’t let them, but because they just want to know why the videos exist.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Jeff Bezos Sees Nothing Wrong With Funding Two Shows About How Lex Luthor’s Arch Nemesis Is Actually the Bad Guy

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

SEATTLE —  Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly said today that there’s “nothing weird” about the fact that two popular television shows, The Boys and Invincible, on the network he owns “happen” to imagine a world where bald, billionaire comic book character Lex Luthor’s nemesis Superman is secretly a villain.

“Listen, when these pilot scripts came across my desk, I knew they would be hits,” explained the business magnate. “What really jumped out about these shows is that they finally showed us what we’ve all been thinking all along — Superman, if he were a real person, is a threat to humanity and must be stopped at all costs. Similarly, if Lex Luthor was a real person, he sounds like he would be really cool, and maybe even hot! He sounds like he would be a cool, hot guy.”

Antony Starr, who plays Superman stand-in Homelander on The Boys, said that Bezos was very hands-on with the actor’s portrayal.

“Jeff would show up to set a lot,” said Starr. “At first, I thought he was just very passionate about this project, but then one of the directors told me he has only ever come for my scenes. He would routinely come up to me to spit in my face and call me names. I guess I thought he was just kinda Kubricky, but it seemed, like, really personal. That being said, it did end up being a tremendous help at getting into character as someone hiding that they are seething with rage all the time and could snap at a moment’s notice.”

Fans of both shows have praised Amazon Prime for airing them.

“Watching Invincible really made me reconsider the legacy of Superman,” said longtime comic enthusiast, Evan Owens, 23. “Growing up on these Superman comics, it was clear he was the good guy, but now I’m not so sure. Thank God the characters in this show have that bald guy with nearly unlimited money and technological resources protecting them from this universe’s version of Superman. I know it’s silly to think about, but if we ever had an otherworldly superpowered being come to Earth in real life claiming he is here to ‘save us,’ I sure hope one of our billionaires steps up to keep him in check.”

At press time, Tesla, Inc. CEO Elon Musk tweeted that he and Bezos are forming “a really dank legion of epic badasses.”

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Political Cartoonist Just Gonna Draw Bitcoin as Burlap Sack With Dollar Sign On It

Posted on by Gabe Porter

COVINGTON, Ky. — Shrugging his shoulders as he clicked ‘publish’ on his latest work, political cartoonist Bradley Hughes decided he’s just going to depict the cryptocurrency Bitcoin as a single generic sack marked only with a dollar sign in his latest editorial comic.

“I get that you don’t really keep Bitcoin in a sack, but technology confuses me, and this is a hot button issue I need to comment on,” said Hughes, who had in recent comics depicted Elon Musk as the Monopoly Guy, Microsoft as a storage room full of old CRTs televisions, and President Biden as a nondescript man labeled “PRESIDENT” wearing a suit and top hat. “I’m not going to sit down and learn all about some fake money or whatever when a perfectly good burlap sack will get the job done like it always has. Everyone gets what a sack is, and everyone knows what a dollar sign is. This is how you reach the masses.”

Some Bitcoin enthusiasts are disappointed by the inaccurate representation of the misunderstood cryptocurrency.

“You see, Bitcoin is a very intricate process in which highly advanced computer programs solve really hard puzzles,” started Gumberg, a self-proclaimed cryptocurrency connoisseur. “These puzzles then give you money if your computer can solve them fast enough. To belittle this elegant design by reducing it to a burlap sack with a dollar sign is ludicrous.”

Others still say they found the cartoon moving and full of deep meaning.

“It’s very subversive, actually,” said Greg Rugison, a longtime fan of Hughes. “This cartoon posits that digital currency is not actually different from our current system, and both will inevitably feed into the downfall of our society. At the end of the day, they’re both just things stuffed into the same burlap sack. Really powerful stuff.”

Hughes gave us a few words of wisdom about the political cartoonist landscape.

“Listen, the best way to become a political cartoonist is to just draw whatever and start labeling things,” Hughes disclosed. “I can always count on my fans to imbue things with meaning later if I fumbled something. Besides, do I know the broad strokes of Bitcoin. It’s mostly used for drugs online, and it’s gonna collapse.”

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Retrospective: We Look Back at ‘Super Mario 1D World’

Posted on by Camden Brazile

With the recent releases of Super Mario 3D All-Stars and Super Mario 3D World, gamers are reflecting on the long legacy of the Mario franchise. While there are many beloved titles from the past still fresh in the minds of gamers worldwide, a franchise this long-lasting is bound to have some titles that are overlooked and forgotten over time. That’s why today we’re spotlighting an all-too-forgotten Mario game that truly set the foundation for every game that came after it: We’re talking, of course, about the 1980 classic Super Mario 1D World.

As the first video game to feature Mario, predating even Donkey Kong, Super Mario 1D World truly wrote the book on how adventure games should look and feel in one dimension. Gamers were wowed by the single bright red line segment representing Mario on arcade screens and were delighted by the experience of moving him along a single one-dimensional plane. The game was a huge success, since every other game on the market at the time was just a blank screen.

After revisiting the game this weekend, I can confirm that they just don’t make ‘em like this anymore. I still have precious memories of getting out of school in the ‘80s, chowing down on Dunkaroos and Ecto Cooler, and then heading down to the arcade to stare at the red Mario line until my eyes became painfully sore. At the time, it was impossible to imagine video game graphics getting any better, but when Mario made the jump to 2D with Super Mario Bros. several years later, in my opinion, they jumped the shark. I mean, jumping? I guess so.

Oh, and a little tip for anyone who doubts the replayability of this retro masterpiece: after ten hours of playtime, you can unlock Luigi as a playable character! This marks the very first appearance of Mario’s mild-mannered brother. Sure, technically it just turns the line segment to a bright green, but it’s noteworthy as one of gaming’s first ever Easter Eggs. 

Nowadays with everyone discussing ray tracing, monitor refresh rates, and frames per second, no one appreciates the classics anymore. Super Mario 1D World is no exception. I’m currently on my third playthrough of the game now, I think. While I can never truly know what’s happening in the game, I do know that I’m having priceless nostalgic fun.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

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