Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Streamer Audited By IRS After Ill-Advised “Twitch Does My Taxes” Experiment

Posted on June 4, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

NEW YORK — A prominent Twitch user named SpongiChum is reportedly under investigation by the IRS after their historic and deeply troubling “Twitch Does My Taxes” live stream.

“I tried following in the footsteps of the greats before me, like Twitch Plays Pokémon and Ludwig’s record-setting stream, and look at what happened,” Chum said. “Nothing means more to me in life than my Twitch family, which is why I let them dictate every aspect of my life. How was I supposed to know they’d declare 1851n25l125hj12ll55k dependents for me?”

Well-known for scripting life according to the whims of the stream, SpongiChum has garnered headlines before for streams like Twitch Washes My Body and the stream that sent him to the hospital, Twitch Tells Me When To Breathe. The stream where viewers could influence Chum’s tax records instantly became the talk of the streaming site.

“I love watching Chum because it’s like being in a hivemind. A very stupid hivemind, sure, but a hivemind nonetheless,” said one longtime fan. “Sometimes when I feel like I’ve messed up my own shitty life, I can log onto Chum’s stream and remember that I can actually fuck up someone else’s life way worse. And I mean waaaaay worse. It’s reassuring.”

All personal information that Chum entered into TurboTax was decided by viewers. Anyone who subscribed could choose what information would be put into Chum’s 1040 forms via chat emotes.

“After receiving a notice from the IRS, I began work on a ‘Twitch Defends Me From The Government’ stream,” explained Chum, “but I have been advised by everyone who knows me IRL that this would be a bad idea. But that’s just my parents’ advice against thousands of viewers, so it’s a wash.”

At press time, a despondent SpongiChum was thankfully unharmed by a suicide attempt after he let Twitch chat choose to load his gun with bubblegun instead of bullets.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Twitch Bans Controversial Bathtub Streamer

Posted on June 3, 2021 by Dan Tomascik

NEW YORK — In an apparent effort to re-categorize and regulate streaming content, Twitch has suspended the account of one of its well-known bathtub streamers, a cheery orange man named Ernie.

Ernie, who streams under the name GBert, was known for broadcasting “Tubby Time” segments, in which he takes a bath for viewers. He previously had sponsorships lined up with Hooper’s Store and the number “8.”

“Rubber ducky may have made bathtime so much fun, but streaming it made bathtime poggers,” said Ernie, sitting alongside his manager and roommate, Bert. “Every time I’d get a new subscriber on-screen, I’d squeeze my rubber ducky here as a thank-you. The vibes were immaculate.”

“Frankly, I wish the Twitch moderators would touch grass once in a while,” said Bert. “We got banned for producing watchable content about using soap, a washcloth, fluffy suds, and a nifty scrub-brush. Meanwhile, for the Count’s 100k sub special, he is literally counting how many subscribers he has. He’s been live for almost two weeks straight! Hell, they’re saying that streaming from a bathtub is too sexual, but Elmo has been running his ‘tickle me’ stream for years and that’s the horniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”

At press time, Twitch sent a letter to Bert and Ernie — specifically, the letter Y — and also indicated their stream may live on in a new category for hot tub, bathtub, and beach streamers.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Who Reviews the Reviewers? Why We’re Adding Polls to the Bottom of Our Reviews to Let Our Writers Know If They’re Right or Wrong

Posted on June 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Video game reviews are the backbone of the gaming industry, but why is it that only the so-called journalists hold all the power in deciding what games are Good and what games are Bad? Most video game publications shove their video game reviews down your throats and you’re just forced to deal with the fact that they called your absolute favorite video game in the world a mere 8/10. But who exists to hold these people accountable? Who keeps the titans of the video game journalism industry in check? Who Reviews the Reviewers?

Here at Hard Drive, we’re putting the power back into the hands of the gamers.

Websites like Steam and Metacritic already allow gamers to place their own review scores for video games out into the world. Likewise, websites like WordPress and Medium let gamers publish their own video game reviews for the world to read. But these do not go far enough; video game reviewers for websites like Kotaku, IGN, and Polygon are still running rampant with their critiques and praises of games, crazed with writerly power. Gamers don’t need another way to get their opinions out into the world, they need a new way to shut down the opinions of the entitled few who dare to say the wrong thing about a game.

That’s why we’re introducing our new feature: Review the Reviewers.

From now on, every single review on our website will include a poll on the bottom of the page that lets readers decide if the reviewer was Objectively Correct or Objectively Wrong. We’re not nerfing our writers completely; reviews will still be written by reviewers, who rule over the kingdom of opinions with an iron fist. But for the first time in video game journalism history, the readers will have a way to hold them accountable.

If some dickhead reviewer waltzes into the Hard Drive News Tower deciding that an objectively perfect game is a mere 7/10 because of some total unfair bullshit, the polls will reflect that. There will forever be a scarlet “DISAGREE” on the bottom of their work to ward off innocent gamers and mark the reviewer as someone who has the Wrong Opinions. On the other hand, if our reviewers learn to spit out the Correct Opinions on command like the pathetic little mice they are, we can reward them with the mark of a unanimous AGREE. Together, we can put the power back into the hands of the masses through this powerful shame-based system.

But that doesn’t solve everything, does it? As gamers, we know how ridiculous and unfair it is that game developers pay reviewers to give them good reviews, whether they’ll admit it or not — and they REFUSE to admit to it! Can we fix the video game industry? No. But we CAN even the odds.

That’s why, here at Hard Drive, we let the READERS pay us to decide a review. If you become a Coil subscriber for $5 a month, you will unlock access to SUPER AGREE and SUPER DISAGREE options, which count for 1,000 votes in either direction. That’s equality. That’s change.

We hope you enjoy our new Review the Reviewers system. Luckily, however, we won’t have to guess whether you do or don’t. At the bottom of this very page, you can participate in a poll to let us know how we’ve done. Thank you for participating in this grand experiment, and thank you for gaming.

Tatooine Golf Course Sucks

Posted on June 1, 2021 by Camden Brazile

TATOOINE, O.R.T. — The sand planet Tatooine cut the ribbon on a new golf course that is already facing unanimous criticism from the community.

Lin Cardor, a moisture farmer and Tatooine native, gave his disapproval of the new members-only course, citing some climate issues.

“It’s a fucking sand planet,” Cardor said. “Sand. Everywhere. The fairway? Sand. The green? Sand. The sand traps? You guessed it: sand. I’ve played every golf course they’ve ever built here and they all just suck. You’d think a planet like this would be more into something like beach volleyball, but nope, we’re apparently all-in on golf.”

The professional golf scene of the Outer Rim Territories has also voiced criticism, noting many hazards to the course not seen on other planets.

“Sure, my caddy loved the course at first because he only had to carry one club,” said Dash Leno, a member of the Galactic Golf Tour. “Then he was eaten alive by a krayt dragon and my club was stolen by Jawas. It’s hard enough golfing with two suns in your eyes, but this is out of control.

Rix Thalcorr, the owner and proprietor of the course, dismissed the complaints.

“The difficulty is by design. Things are adjusted accordingly,” Thalcorr said. “For instance, the first hole is above the usual stroke count, with a par of 46. We’ve also tweaked the rules a bit. Having your caddy or ball eaten by a sandworm is a standard two-stroke penalty.”

At press time, the golf course was quickly shut down by an unknown figure high up within the Empire. Sources close to the information say that the anonymous figure told subordinates that they “don’t like sand,” citing the fact that it is coarse, rough, irritating, and “gets everywhere.” The source however cut out after this, seemingly making choking noises right before.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Review: Bo Burnham’s New Special Has a Joke About Gamers, Which Means We Can Write About It

Posted on May 31, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Bo Burnham’s quarantine comedy special Inside released on Netflix today and is a monumental look into a creative person’s deteriorating mental health while isolated during the COVID-19 pandemic that also includes a short goof about video games, meaning that we’re allowed to write about it even though we’re a video game website.

Inside is perhaps Burnham’s strongest work to date, despite a growing roster of incredible films already in his oeuvre. As an aging millennial who was molded by internet comedy, becoming a viral YouTube sensation as just a high schooler, Burnham has grown incredibly well with the changing times. In Inside, he once again flawlessly captures the current social and political climate, commenting on the inherent hypocrisy we all feel as we try to amplify social movements without giving in to our own narcissism. It also features a 2-3 minute sketch about watching Twitch streams that’s pretty funny, but crucially makes it OK for this article to exist on our website.

With Inside, Burnham furthers his track record as one of the most honest filmmakers working today, often letting the viewer sit on an especially raw and uncomfortable moment without ever wavering as a director. Burnham pushes this technique even further than he did in his feature film Eighth Grade, which also included a short joke about Rick and Morty, which maybe could have allowed us to review it on our website, because it sort of falls under the umbrella of “nerd culture,” but we ultimately didn’t. Maybe if the scene was more about Rick and Morty and not just a reference to the show in passing, we really could have dug into it here, but ultimately it just didn’t happen. Luckily, that isn’t the case with Inside, which you can see reviewed on our website right alongside reviews of things like Pokémon Snap and Cyberpunk 2077.

At the end of the day, Inside is going to be remembered as perhaps the strongest piece of art to come out during and about the COVID-19 quarantine and we are honored that we can review it on a website named after a PC part. You might be thinking, “it seems like you’re making a really big deal out of this. Just write the review or don’t, no one cares.” Well I care. I have a little something called “principles” and I’m not just going to write a review on a freaking video game website that has absolutely nothing to do with video games. But this special does have to do with video games. Like I already said, it has a sketch where Burnham plays a Twitch streamer playing a game that he’s the main character of. He even does little Twitch jokes like thanking people for subscribing.

And it’s not just about me and you, it’s about Bo. What if he reads this? Do you want him to think I’m some hack? Absolutely not. I know that he seems like someone who tends to do most of the work on his movies himself (Inside is written, shot, and edited exclusively by him), but what if he’s looking for writers who get his work and he comes across this review and hires me to help him with his next movie? You ever think of that? Probably not. That’s why your spec script for Ninth Grade, a sequel to Eighth Grade in which Kayla goes to high school and joins her school’s improv team and ends up competing in the national improv tournament and wins the whole thing, is never going to slide across Bo’s desk. He’ll never read your version of the script, flipping through the pages as a warm smile grows on his face. He didn’t expect to read the whole thing right then and there, but he’s captivated. It’s a masterpiece. We’re on stage now, accepting our Oscar for Best Director (he lets me co-direct the movie after seeing what a good sense of the characters I have, knowing that a fresh mind on the project will keep the style different enough from the first film). “I love you, Jeremy,” he says on the Oscars stage in front of millions of people watching on television. But it feels like it’s just us. We share our first kiss. The crowd cheers, but we don’t even hear them. Nothing matters but each other.

Inside by Bo Burnham is available for streaming only on Netflix.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Deal Alert: You Can Own the Jacket from ‘Drive’ at the Small Cost of Being Known as ‘Guy Who Owns the Jacket From Drive’

Posted on May 30, 2021 by Camden Brazile

We have an incredible deal alert for fans of the 2011 film Drive! Samuel Walters, a self-described cinephile and avid Ryan Gosling fan, announced today that anyone is free to take his replica of the satin, scorpion-emblazoned coat from Drive, for the low price of becoming the type of guy who wears it.

“Free? Not exactly. When acquiring this jacket, one pays with something more than money,” Walter said. “This jacket has consumed me. The first time I wore it to a party, I began explaining the plot of the movie to strangers, despite their clear disinterest. I have lost friends, family, everyone who did or didn’t care about the movie Drive.

“I don’t want your money,” he added. “I want my life back.”

When asked how much he would be losing on the sale, Walter claimed he had also paid nothing to acquire the jacket, except his very identity.

“I had just seen the movie on Netflix, and I loved it so much. The soundtrack, the cinematography, everything. Right after I made a post about it on Twitter, I saw the jacket hanging in a street merchant’s cart,” he said. “I went up to buy the jacket, but the man insisted I take it for free. I put my cash back in my wallet, and when I looked up again, he was gone.”

Walters described the immediate transformation this cursed artifact caused.

“I didn’t recognize my own reflection,” Walters said. “Before this jacket, I didn’t even know what the term ‘Neo-Noir’ meant. Now, I use it on a daily basis online.”

Walters hopes to get the jacket off his hands soon, especially before this new version of himself discovers any Safdie brothers films, which could render him “irreversibly insufferable.”

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Stranger Wearing Shirt of Game You Like Would Probably Really Like to Talk About It

Posted on May 29, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

RICHMOND, Va. — A recent study conducted at the University of Richmond suggests that more often than not, that stranger wearing a shirt of your favorite video game would probably really like to talk about it, with you, specifically.

“The evidence is undeniable,” said lead researcher Dr. Colin Power. “Who would be in public of their own volition wearing a Link to the Past/Back to the Future crossover shirt if not to invite like-minded individuals to converse about it? Ever see these people at parties? There’s an obvious magnetism — a loud, obnoxious, unshowered magnetism.”

One focus group participant seemed unsurprised with the results.

“I really thought it was just common knowledge,” said study volunteer and local Wookiepedia editor Tyler Hayden. “Every time I’m at a party, the first thing I do is ask if anyone else brought their Nintendo Switch to play on the roof like the commercial. But if that doesn’t work? Obviously the guy in the bootleg Mother 3 shirt is my go-to. Why else would they listen to me in the corner for so long if they didn’t want to be there?”

Dr. Power has theorized that his findings may be applicable to other social dynamics as well.

“These kinds of people exist in all walks of life — the barfly wearing the vintage 1976 Rolling Stones shirt, the disaffected teen on the train sporting the latest Bathing Ape collab, the gas station attendant in the NASCAR tee. All across the board, we can safely assume that these freaks are dying to talk about what they’re wearing.”

At press time, Power was scheduled to hold a symposium on his team’s findings, but made the unfortunate decision to wear his all-over print 1994 Donkey Kong Country promotional tee and was held up in the lobby for the presentation’s entirety.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Why Nobody in Hollywood Will Work With Gene Wilder Anymore

Posted on May 28, 2021 by Camden Brazile

Gene Wilder used to be one of Hollywood’s most promising comedic stars. Classics like Young Frankenstein and The Producers have been canonized in the comedy Hall of Fame for generations to come. But the former Willy Wonka star has not had a huge comedy hit in a long time. Fans and industry insiders have begun to speculate on the reasons why Wilder’s career has been cold and dead for so long.

One rumor suggests a lack of personal hygiene might be preventing Wilder from having any major collaborative partners. When the film critic and Hollywood insider Greg Simmons was asked about the theory, he seemed to confirm it was possible.

“Um, yeah, I would imagine he smells pretty bad. His body is probably gross,” Simmons confided. “That’s a fucked up question to ask, though.”

Another common theory says that Wilder is keeping out of the limelight on purpose, becoming a recluse who never leaves his home to see the light of day. We asked Emma Murphy, author of Wilder’s latest biography, if he gets out much anymore.

“Uh, I’d imagine that he just… lays there most of the time,” Murphy confirmed. “But that’s kind of obvious, right?”

When asked whether Wilder has had any communication with family, or former comedy collaborators like Mel Brooks or Zero Mostel, Murphy hesitated.

“Oh my god… you don’t know?” she asked before cutting the interview short. “Um… oh… I mean… no. I don’t think he is able to talk to them much anymore.”

Could there be other reasons why Wilder has remained so elusive from the public eye? It’s always possible. We will update this article as we continue to reach out to sources, and perhaps even Google it. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: Oh my god. Shit.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

GameStop to Start Accepting Trade-In Items That Drop From Guys You Kill

Posted on May 27, 2021 by Joe Tilleli

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop announced today that it is expanding its trade-in program from used video games to weapons, armor, and anything else that drops from guys you kill out in the wild.

“This past console generation has been eye-opening for us,” said GameStop CEO George Sherman in a press release. “The way gamers choose to purchase their games has shifted toward digital download, so we’ve decided to respond by shifting our focus on services you can only get from a brick-and-mortar retail store. We’ve added tabletop games to our catalog, began hosting card game tournaments, and now we will also be offering cash or store credit for items in your inventory you’ve picked up off the corpses of men and women you’ve just disposed of.”

GameStop’s new service will go into effect early next week. Employees of the video game retail store have shared some mixed thoughts on the expanded trade-in offerings.

“It’s fucking weird man,” said a GameStop manager who wishes to remain anonymous. “Like I get that the company is looking to pivot and adapt to the changing times, but I don’t like touching any of this shit. Sometimes we get jewelry and treasure, but most of the time it’s just dirty clothing, almost always covered in blood. This one guy came in with a skull and torso that had crystallized. I’ve got no idea where that came from. Though, the policy says we have to accept everything so our hands are tied. I seriously don’t get how this can be a good business decision. Who the hell is going to be 400 boar pelts?!”

Customers, however, are thrilled by the new service as they line up at the door carrying bags of other people’s wallets and phones.

“This is the best thing GameStop has done in years,” said local gamer and cold-blooded killer, Craig Bailey, 26. “I’ve been hoarding all these jackets and car keys for years not knowing what to do with any of them. I’ve considered them as little trophies of my progress over the past few years, but I just don’t have the room for any of it anymore. Hell, I can’t even walk at a normal speed anymore — I can only shuffle around. I’m glad I finally have a place to just unload my inventory containing mementos of victims’ past.”

At press time, a drunk driver charged with vehicular manslaughter reportedly was able to pay for an attorney after trading in the engagement ring he collected off the couple involved in the collision, sources confirm.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

New Historical Evidence Shows People Once Played Video Games for Fun

Posted on May 26, 2021 by Kevin Hufe

UPPER DARBY, Pa. — Historians and anthropologists from around the globe are clamoring as a Pennsylvania middle school time capsule from the 1980s has revealed shocking evidence that there was once a period where humans played video games for enjoyment.

“This is throwing a complete wrench in the way we’ve previously interpreted the history of video games,” said academic Adam Arkin. “All previous schools of thought have been predicated on the idea that gamers always resented and disliked video games just as much as they do today.”

The historic site has produced enough concrete evidence to suggest that early gamers would use gaming to initiate social bonding without turning it into a performance of some kind, and even occasionally partake in cooperative games that rarely ended in physical altercations, verbal fights, or lawsuits as they so often do today.

“We’ve found DNA samples of 3 or 4 individuals in a single recovered bag of Doritos,” said behavioral psychologist Lindsay Dopple. “This suggests a valuing of social interaction and sharing of enjoyable experiences that the modern gamer can’t really relate to.”

Many are rejecting these findings as revisionist propaganda to distract them from achieving gaming immortality online.

“What’s the point of having a bunch of friends if my KDR or my APM isn’t high enough on my $3000 rig to be ranked on the leaderboards?” asked gamer and five-follower Twitch streamer Lars Lorser. “I mean, it’s really just my gamertag that they see, but that’s something that people will remember, right?”

At press time, historians were dismayed to find a journal entry in the time capsule which contained potential evidence of the first ever rage quit in a multiplayer game.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

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