‘Mario Party Superstars’ Adds Lifelike AI That Takes Fucking Forever With Their Turn

Posted on September 15, 2021 by Gabe Porter

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo confirmed today that Mario Party Superstars will feature computer players with advanced AI that allows them to recreate the experience of waiting forever for your fucking turn.

“We wanted to recapture the feeling of playing the original Mario Party with others,” said Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa. “So, we have developed an AI that takes so long making decisions that you’ll regret choosing to play Mario Party in the first place. The AI is highly advanced and will make you feel like you’re playing with the real thing; it even complains that it has the ‘bad controller’ even though it doesn’t need to use one!”

Many gamers were excited at the chance to relive the halcyon days of the N64.

“I cannot wait to play all the minigames I remember from my childhood,” said Mario Party superfan Barry Tolley. “I also can’t wait to have to sit for like ten minutes while the computer opens up the map to try and find where the star is for the fifth time. I always say a game of Mario Party isn’t complete unless it goes on for upwards of two hours.”

Nintendo also announced several other AI features coming to the new game.

“Not only will it take forever, but the AI will shut off the console if it detects that it is going to lose,” Furukawa said. “We are also happy to announce that the AI will take at least five minutes on the minigame directions screen to figure out its gameplan before finally going in and losing. All these things combine to create the most accurate representation of the Hell that is playing Mario Party with your annoying friends.”

Nintendo also showed off an exciting feature where the AI will complain throughout the entire game about how it would be having much more fun playing Super Smash Bros.

Mobile ‘Escape Room’ Business Not Going So Great

Posted on September 15, 2021 by Ben Doyle

BOSTON — A guy that started a new mobile escape room business during last year’s lockdown is starting to wonder how long he can keep his struggling business afloat, sources have confirmed.

“So maybe this wasn’t my best idea,” said Kelly Walker, who saw his profits from his escape room business halt abruptly when he had to shut his doors last year. “I wasn’t making any money, and didn’t want to give up the business, so I designed an app that helped people turn their homes into escape rooms. It… it isn’t going well.”

The app, which purports to adapt any surrounding into an engaging puzzle solving mystery, has reportedly been met with low download numbers and unhappy customers among those who have purchased it.

“It sounded ambitious and fun,” said Annie Long, one of many disappointed users of the Escape From Home! app. “And I love doing stuff like escape rooms and all that, so I thought I’d give it a shot with my husband over the pandemic. It just gave me vague clues and instructions like, ‘see if you can find the next clue,’ and ‘now go drink a glass of water.’ After an hour it said if I thought I was ready to try to escape to go ahead, and then I just walked out onto my deck and it congratulated me. I want my $20 back!”

Decker’s wife says she never thought the pivot to online would work.

“I love my husband, but I just think he wasn’t ready for the pandemic,” said Erin Walker. “I mean, a mobile escape room? What the fuck does that even mean? I guess he thought we’d pay our mortgage with a stream of 20 dollar PayPals from people that just spent an hour pretending not to know how to get out of their kitchen? I’m afraid this is worse than his DIY bumper car track he started in the front yard. Although we have fewer lawsuits this time.”

As of press time, Walker had reopened his escape room business’ doors to the public, although most customers have just come to complain about their mobile escape room experiences in person.

6 Animals That Died in Movies But Kind of Had It Coming

Posted on September 14, 2021 by Michael Pacholik

The death of an animal in a movie is usually a heart wrenching ordeal. Sometimes it’s clearly there to make an audience cry. Sometimes it’s a pivotal character building moment. Other times, though, those mangy fucks deserve it.

Here’s our list of six animals that died in movies and had it coming, in no particular order.

6 – Mufasa, The Lion King

The king of the jungle gets murdered by his skeezy brother by getting lured into an obvious trap. You’d think Mufasa would have some intel on Scar, or an informant or something. You can’t trust anyone when you’re on top. Mufasa should know this. If it wasn’t Scar, somebody else would have taken that naive loser down eventually, no question. Some king.

5 – Hedwig, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Was Hedwig useful? Sure. Did Harry Potter love him? Probably. Are birds gross and loud and screechy? Absolutely. Just set up a postal service already.

4 – Raccoon, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Ace Ventura, pet detective, has to track this thing down and climb up a mountain to rescue it. What’s so special about this specific raccoon? Is somebody paying him to rescue it? Maybe if the raccoon was more like Sly Cooper, it could have run across Ace’s safety line or something. But instead, Ace’s cheap carabiner breaks and lets that trash panda plummet to its death. And it has nobody to blame but itself.

3 – Skippy, Boondock Saints

Cats are characteristically smart and independent. Apparently, Skippy decided these people were fine to live with. That’s suspect. Our guess is that Skippy was certain that one of them would OD in the apartment, and then he could finally get a chance to eat some of that sweet sweet human flesh. Skippy was a psychopath. Good thing Rocco doesn’t care about gun safety because that cat had it out for humanity.

2 – Charlotte, Charlotte’s Web

Spiders are nightmare fuel. Those long legs, beady eyes, fangs and webs are just the worst. In fiction they’re usually sinister, patient schemers looking to eat or manipulate someone. Enter Charlotte, a spider that mentors a pig. To what end? We never find out because she dies before reaching her end game. Frankly she deserved worse than she got. If only Wilbur found a can of Raid in the barn.

1 – Iosef Tarasov, John Wick

This god damn animal deserved what he got for killing that puppy.

Pokémon Isn’t Shiny, Just Really Inbred

Posted on September 14, 2021 by Naomi Krause

NEW BARK TOWN, Johto — A novice trainer mistook a horrifyingly deformed Pokémon for a rare, naturally occurring Shiny variant, as part of a startling new trend among children reported by experts from all regions.

“It tears me up inside,” said Professor Elm. “I gave this child a healthy Chikorita. My kid taught them how to catch their own Pokémon. I thought we covered it all in the grueling educational part. Twenty hours later, they come back with a Gyarados that’s obviously suffering from some horrible genetic defect and had no fucking skin to cover its veins. Not to mention that I’m pretty sure someone was force feeding it steroids, which was horrifying. I had to puke in front of this little kid and calmly explain that sometimes God makes mistakes. I guess their dad was never around to teach them this stuff. It really broke my heart.”

Johto isn’t the only region plagued with an uptick in deformity collection among young trainers. Professor Juniper of Nuvema Town in the Unova region reported having to get law enforcement involved after she discovered the local Day Care was forcing Pokémon to breed with their siblings and children over and over again, leading to hideous genetic disasters that they passed off as Shinies to unsuspecting trainers.

“I’ve been working in this field for 20-something years now,” Juniper said. “This is far and away the cruelest phenomenon I’ve ever seen. I called the cops on these guys. Do you know how fucking bad a situation has to be for actual police officers to do anything about it around here?”

Linda and Sheldon Blair, owners of the Striaton City Day Care, were thankfully taken into custody. They are now being held without bail.

“Look, kids want us to watch their pets. Sometimes those pets fuck each other,” Blair said of the underground Pokémon breeding ring she allegedly ran with her husband. “What we do ain’t no crime against nature. We’re providing a valuable service. So what if a few catch Mad Miltank disease ‘cause their dad fucked their grandma? That’s not our prob.”

It remained to be seen whether this unholy trend would be curbed, but sources close to the Kanto Elite Four have already expressed concerns over Lance’s Dragonite, which is reportedly “green as hell” and “pukes fire all day, every day.”

Lil Nas X Disappointed Met Gala Didn’t Do Enough Damage to Reveal His Final Phase Outfit

Posted on September 14, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

NEW YORK — Rapper Lil Nas X is reportedly disappointed that the Met Gala was unable to defeat his third phase Monday night, allowing him to unleash his final outfit upon the world in all its glory.

“I expected more of you, Met Gala! Perhaps I was too quick to assume you were at my power level,” Lil Nas X said, releasing a deep laugh while standing over the defeated Met Gala party. “My cape-form granted me slow yet powerful, deliberate attacks, my-armor form was quicker and more deadly, and my sparkling catsuit-form, which defeated you swiftly, unlocked my magic abilities, allowing me to blast you with my deadly beams of light. And yet, had you been able to deal enough damage, you would have unleashed my final and truest form; completely nude, I would have battled you to the bitter end, constrained at last by nothing. Heh, it’s a shame. I had respect for you, Met Gala, but now you must die.”

At press time, Lil Nas X threw his arms out, spinning and lifting off the ground until he flew so far into the sky that he could no longer be seen.

Opinion: Putting a Black Character in ‘God of War’ Would Be Like Putting a Middle Eastern Character in the Bible

Posted on September 14, 2021 by Andy Holt

If there’s one thing everybody knows about me, it’s that I love realism. Can’t get enough of it. So you can imagine my dismay yesterday, when Santa Monica Studio revealed there was going to be a black girl named Angrboda in God of War Ragnarok. I’m devastated.

I don’t mind diversity in video games, hypothetically, in theory, if the right situation were to arise in the future. But some things are sacred. Adding a black character to a story based on Norse myth is like shoehorning a Middle Eastern character into the Bible.

It’s just not the kind of thing you do.

Now, I know exactly what you’re going to say. “The divine is unfathomable! The dead are dust! Gamers are cobbling together new myths in their own image, borrowing old stories, adding new characters, feeding a living tradition that transcends race, creed, history, and the very idea of individual experience, until humanity becomes a single organism, blanketing the earth like a layer of hot moss!” and it’s like, where did you get that from? Kotaku? I bet it was Kotaku.

Counterpoint: Could you imagine changing the race of Jesus? Not even changing the plot, just like, swapping his skin color and changing the language he speaks? Just to make it easier to relate to him? No. That would be like making the Pharaoh some African dude.

But you wouldn’t know anything about that, because you have no respect for history.

Waluigi Reluctantly Accepts Invitation to Nickelodeon All-Stars Brawl as Nigel Thornberry Clone

Posted on September 14, 2021 by Joe Tilleli

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Nintendo fan-favorite character Waluigi has accepted an invitation to Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl as a clone of Nigel Thornberry, finally accepting that he is not going to be included in Super Smash Bros.

“Nowadays when I say ‘waaaaahhhhhh!’ it’s the crying kind,” said Waluigi, sniffling his ginormous pink nose. “It’s such bullshit, man! I’m Waluigi! Number one! Now I’m stuck as an alt skin for some British loser. I don’t even get to have my own moves. They told me I couldn’t bring my tennis racket and I can’t even stomp on people! It’s so demoralizing, man, they’re making me say ‘Smashing!’ like every time I battle in this game it’s a reminder that I’m not in Smash Bros.”

“I just don’t get it at all. Where did I go wrong?” Waluigi continued. “Who did Wario fart on to get into that thing? And Daisy?! I swear there’s some weird nepotism shit going on. Sorry I’m not some member of the royal family, killing and plundering my way through the Mushroom Kingdom just to get an invite to some fight club bullshit! Wahhhhh!!!”

According to those familiar with the situation, other Nickelodeon All-Stars were put off by Waluigi’s attitude.

“Oh you’re just an alt skin of another character? Give me a break,” said teenage mutant ninja turtle Michelangelo. “You try to throw someone a bone and let him join your Brawl and that’s not enough. My friends and I literally have to distinguish between each other by wearing different color headbands and you don’t ever see us complaining! Whatever, man, I’m gonna go get myself a slice of pizza and calm down.”

At press time, Waluigi had regained his confidence, bragging to his friend Wario that he could wavedash.

Racist Without PS5 Announces Boycott of ‘God of War: Ragnarok’

Posted on September 14, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A bigoted man who does not own a PlayStation 5 has announced there’s no way he’ll play the newest God of War game when it comes out, due to a black character appearing in a recent trailer.

“Sorry you brainwashed liberal corporate sheeple,” said Gus Decker in a vertical video that was recently uploaded to his Facebook page. “If you want me to get God of War, you’ll have to stop catering to the woke SJWs. Oh, and also I can’t find a PlayStation 5. But really, the main reason you won’t catch me buying that bullshit is because of the pandering. First they put women in a Battlefield game, and now black people in God of War? What’s next, a gay character in Overwatch? There’s just absolutely no way that I can support this shit, and if I owned a PS5, I still probably wouldn’t support it.”

“It’s just the way they ram this stuff down our throats,” Decker added, shortly after viewing the Ragnarok trailer the minute it premiered.

Executives from Santa Monica Studio said that they expected some backlash when releasing promotional materials that showcased a single black character.

“Yeah, you can set your watch to this stuff,” said Nina Alvarez, a senior producer at Santa Monica Studios. “I’ve been in the industry long enough that I just knew when we showed off nine characters and 11 percent of them were a black lady that we were in for it. A lot of them are posting about historical accuracy. Do they know this is a video game about mythology? Where a severed head joins you for the journey and talks to you the whole time? That they’re okay with, but the black woman is a dealbreaker?”

Many wondered about the intentions of those that consistently verbalize their perceived discrimination with each diverse character that is announced for a high profile video game.

“It’s really confusing to me, personally,” said Keith Briggs, an avid gamer that enjoys the God of War franchise. “Like, does this small little cross section of angry weeping adults really think that their collective buying power is enough to impact Ragnarok’s sales? Do they know the last one made half a billion dollars? On one system! But yeah, a few dozen reddit users that don’t have PS5s and haven’t paid retail for a game in five years are really gonna throw Sony a curveball. Really hope they can survive this.”

As of press time, Decker said that if Sony wanted to send him a PS5, he’d think twice about the looming boycott. He also posted a second video claiming he was somehow locked inside of his truck.

Battery Cover for Game Boy Color Has a Lot of Nerve Showing Its Face Here After Skipping Town All Those Years Ago

Posted on September 13, 2021 by Jus Kaplan

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — In a tense reunion no one could have predicted, a deadbeat battery cover has reentered the life of a local Game Boy Color after abandoning the handheld more than twenty years ago.

“Well look at you, ya big blocky purple bastard — you’re all grown up now! I’m so proud to see that after all you’ve been through, you’re still working hard and staying clean,” remarked the cover, who disappeared in 1999 at a child’s birthday party without ever saying goodbye, to its former Game Boy. “I even hear you’re worth more now than when I last saw you, not that I’m surprised; I always knew you’d do big things.”

Sources close to the Game Boy Color say the device was not nearly as amicable toward the long-absent guardian of its batteries.

“I don’t need a freeloading piece of junk like you back in my life. Not then, not now, not ever!” it yelled, adding between sobs that decades of unprotected exposure to the world had left it with invisible damage that no restart could erase. “Besides, you look absolutely terrible. You’re so chipped and scraped up I doubt you’d even fit in around here anymore.”

With a paternal touch, the battery cover rested its weathered corner on the back of his Game Boy Color.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m clipped to you or stuck under a dusty couch cushion in storage — I’ll always be a part of you, whether you like it or not,” the cover said gently. “Besides, don’t you want to feel whole again, together as a unit like the creator intended?”

At press time, the Game Boy Color was seen patiently waiting for the cover to return from the store after heading out for a fresh pack of batteries.

Decrepit Old Man Tells Kids About How the Smiley Face Used to Be a Parenthesis

Posted on September 12, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

TAMPA, Fla. — Decrepit old man John Cruller, 34, has reportedly been posting on an ancient social media website known as “Facebook,” a platform for senior citizens, complaining about emojis to his 327 friends.

“Back in my day we expressed our emotions with arcane combinations of colons, parentheses, and brackets, and we liked it! >:(,“ Cruller posted three days ago. “It was an art form! D:< Kids these days have stunted communication skills, it’s all dog, eggplant, fire truck, what does it mean? :/”

Cruller’s postings have received upwards of seven likes on Facebook, sparking a spirited debate that has spread to other platforms such as Instagram and Tik Tok.

“😂😂😂 bruh lmao,” wrote John’s nephew Jayden, 14, via a Snapchat story. “👴 🅱️ace🅱️ook 🦞️ 🙏🙏”

Undeterred by the controversy, Cruller has continued his crusade, typing furiously on a forgotten piece of technology known as a “desktop computer.”

“PogChamp? I was the Pog Champ back in 1994!” Cruller posted yesterday at 8:17am. “I hustled so hard they banned pogs from the playground! Why is it a dinosaur? Shouldn’t it be DinoChamp? (ಠ_ಠ)”

At press time, Cruller’s family was reportedly considering moving him to a retirement home where he can play Mario Kart 64 in peace.