Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Voter Participation Skyrockets After Adding “Goku or Superman” to Ballot

Posted on September 18, 2021 by Camden Brazile

PHILADELPHIA — Local voter registration surged this week directly before the local mayoral election after a city ordinance came into effect that added to the ballot who would win in a fight: anime character Goku or comic book hero Superman.

“There was no way I was going to vote before this, voting just didn’t affect me until now,” said local resident Phillip Mayhew. “The office of mayor could go to anybody for all I care, but I’ll kill anybody who thinks Superman could even come close to beating up Goku. If it takes being a productive member of democracy to show people the Saiyan prince’s power, then so be it. The only way I would vote for a mayor is if that mayoral candidate had read the manga and knew that there was no way some loser journalist could take on the strongest anime character in all of Japanese canon. But I guess while I’m voting for the real thing, I might as well fill in a bubble for mayor.”

Superman enthusiast and election monitor Charles Garry offered his rebuttal to the hot-button issue.

“This election finally proves how divided we are as a nation,” Garry said. “I don’t understand why we all can’t just put down our torches and pitchforks, come together, and agree that Superman would wipe the floor with Goku! People have a duty to our nation to educate themselves on the issues. Go on the internet, pick up a book — or any copy of Superman: Red Son — and learn the error of your ways. It’s not that hard. I voted Superman all the way down the ballot, even for treasurer, that’s how confident I am in him. He could mince Goku and still have time to go over the budget before next week’s town hall.

Local residents also noticed a landslide victory for the comptroller candidate who slyly changed his name to Monkey D. Luffy days before the election.

Guy Spends First Day at Job Running Around Studying Boss’s Patterns

Posted on September 18, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — Local accountant Frank Tate’s first day at his new job was spent mostly running around the office and trying to figure out his boss’ behavior patterns, confused co-workers have confirmed.

“New guy’s pretty weird, man,” said Carl Kelly, a fellow employee of Tate’s. “I was showing him around the building and after a while he asked if I minded if we ‘ended the tutorial,’ to which I replied ‘sure,’ because I didn’t know what the hell he meant. Once I said that, he went his own way and just started seeing how many doors he could get open. Then I saw him take some string cheese out of the garbage and put it in his pocket. We gotta quit hiring people off the internet, man.”

After familiarizing himself with the layout of the offices and seeing which things he could and could not jump up to, Tate set his sights on who he assumed would be his greatest adversary: his immediate supervisor.

“I don’t really handle the hiring and firing,” said Bruce Gibson, Tate’s immediate supervisor. “But it’s not looking great for this new guy. Maybe he didn’t think I noticed him following me around all day, but I did. He seemed so fascinated by the way I come out of my office every two or three hours to go to the bathroom and grab a coffee. I’ve heard from several people in the office that he was also asking what part of me was weakest against kicks. This has the makings of an absolute disaster, but they say I can’t fire a guy just for asking about kicking me. He’s on thin ice, though.”

Tate, however, claims that he was just doing what any responsible worker would do.

“Look, it’s obvious I’m not going to get promoted here on my first day,” he said. “That would just be an absurd thing to hope for at this point in my career. But if I use this day well, and see what kind of movements Mr. Gibson can make and how far his arms can reach, as well as get good with all of my moves, maybe by the end of the week I can take this whole place over!”

As of press time, Tate was at home trying to figure out the right clothes and weapons to wear to work tomorrow to fight his boss.

Visual Novel Ported to Hardcover

Posted on September 17, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

SAN FRANCISCO — Indie developer Siraj Blevins announced today that his hit visual novel The Lonely Little Student is being ported to hardcover.

“The Lonely Little Student is, of course, a video game — one where you click through dialogue with a bunch of anime girls who shyly tell you they think you’re kind of cute. But who’s to say a visual novel can’t be a physical novel as well?” Blevins wrote in a blog promoting preorders of the new book. “Basically, I printed a picture of each of the characters with various poses and backgrounds, and wrote out the potential dialogue response underneath each one. It’s kind of like those choose-your-own-adventure books except that it’s way sexier and it’s 18,000 pages long.”

Longtime fans of the series are reportedly excited to purchase the hardcover.

“The Lonely Little Student is one of my favorite video games of all time, and I’m so excited to have it sitting on my bookshelf next to classics like Anna Karenina and Hatoful Boyfriend,” said fan Blanche Truong.

“Sometimes I play visual novels on the train to work and people give me weird looks because I’m a gamer. I’m excited to finally be able to enjoy my favorite works of literature in a way that people respect: in a book,” said another fan, Leon Reed.

“I’m gonna jerk off to this book!” said a third fan, Mark Tanner.

At press time, Blevins revealed that the book would still allow readers to choose their own name, and would come with a sharpie so that they can write it into the blanks left for them.

5 Classic Movies That Would Have Ended Quickly If the Characters Had Smartphones With This Ridiculously Addictive Strategy Game Downloaded

Posted on September 17, 2021 by Eli Johnson

People today take for granted the amazing technology at our fingertips, so much so that it’s hard to imagine life without smartphones. Have you ever thought about how characters from your favorite classic movies would have used cell phones if they had them? Basically every pre-2000s movie would have had their plots TOTALLY ruined by smartphones! Here are five movies that would have ended in, like, five minutes if everyone in them had smartphones with this ridiculously addictive strategy game, Game of Empires, downloaded.

#5 — Home Alone (1990)

The plot of Home Alone unfolds VERY differently in 2021. All Kevin has to do is text his mom and say, “Uh, hello, you guys left me home alone over here!” They turn the van around, scoop him up, and have a nice family vacation in Paris.

OR, Kevin lets his family leave so he can binge on Game of Empires, a ridiculously addictive strategy game that’s free to download. Assemble your forces, my lord, and lead your armies into glorious battle! Ninety-five percent of players couldn’t make it past the second level. Can you?

#4 — You’ve Got Mail (1998)

Lol, remember chat rooms? Or book stores, for that matter? Kathleen and Joe never would have hit it off if they had done what everybody does now and met on Tinder (or Bumble, if they’re feeling classy). They’d just cyber-stalk each other, realize they’re business competitors, and BOOM, instantly swipe left.

Though, they might have generated a spark while venting their mutual distaste for each other by squaring off in no-holds-barred combat on the fields of Dromgold, a premium add-on in the ridiculously addictive strategy game, Game of Empires. Just don’t get caught enjoying the more NSFW content while on the job at Fox Books, Joe ;).

#3 — Finding Nemo (2003)

Okay, assuming waterproofing, this heartwarming Pixar classic would have been a snooze-fest if all the fish had smartphones. All Nemo would have had to do was share his location with Marlin, and voilà, Nemo is found. No sharks, no sea turtles, no problem-o.

And while Nemo is waiting to be rescued from Dr. Sherman’s tank, he can vanquish his enemies and grow his dominion in Game of Empires, a ridiculously addictive strategy game. You won’t last five minutes after your busty high-elf consort, Shalel, delivers this secret message to you. Just try not to bust!

#2 — Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

Erm, okay fam, we’re not sure why our editor suggested this one. Kidnapping 18 teenagers and ritualistically torturing them in a country mansion over four months in a deranged fascist orgy of blood and excrement is low-key kind of sus. If Salò were set in 2021, about half the country of Italy would have gotten an amber alert.

Look, if this is the kind of deranged shit you’re into, there’s plenty of fucked-up premium content for you sick little piggies to gobble up in Game of Empires, a ridiculously addictive strategy game. Ever seen a she-goblin suck off a cave troll? How about two hags scissoring each other in a bog? Just make sure you have a VPN, you’re gonna need it.

#1 — Barton Fink (1991)

Okay, another swing and a miss. Look, we’re not gonna lie, we didn’t really “get” this one. What was the deal with the package? And the painting? Did any of the scenes in the hotel actually happen, or was it all inside the mind of John Turturro’s character, a hallucination of the very “new living theater” he failed to birth by typewriter?

If Barton’s writer’s block was really bad enough to drive him insane, he could have given himself a much-deserved break and played the ridiculously addictive strategy game, Game of Empires. I will show you the life of the mind? How about I show you a pair of big honkin’ titties, and you look upon those, instead? And swords. But mostly titties.

Here’s Why Morpheus Isn’t in the New Jackass Movie

Posted on September 17, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

As the fall movie season kicks off and trailers are watched and obsessed over, one big question keeps circulating: why isn’t Laurence Fishburne’s iconic Morpheus character going to appear in the newest Jackass film, Jackass Forever? Wonder no more, as we’re here with the full rundown of why one of the franchise’s most beloved characters won’t be returning for the latest installment.

As soon as the Jackass Forever trailer premiered online last July, it sent fans rushing to the internet to pour over each frame and share observations and theories about the new trailer.

Were those bees stinging Steve-O the same bees from the Beehive Tetherball segment in Jackass 3D? Is that really Eric Andre or some kind of illusion? WHERE IS MORPHEUS?

While it’s perfectly natural and expected of fans to feverishly speculate about the new direction of the franchise, many fans that are panicking would have done better to take a further look to the past in order to find the clues they’re searching for about the series’ future.

While we all remember seeing the first Jackass movie in theaters and it blowing our minds, fans seem to recall the third installment a little less. Namely, the scene near the end of the film when Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius had a crab pinch Morpheus’ dick while he was sleeping. Morpheus famously reacted very poorly, and while we’ve seen many of the Jackass stars lose their temper, this didn’t seem like the usual fit that comes and goes following a stunt gone awry. No, in fact, Morpheus was fucking pissed.

Many speculated that Morpheus would cool down and return to the film after walking off, but alas, no further scenes with him were shot and Jackass 3D features a notable lack of Morpheus bits. Many point to the impassioned monologue he delivered to Knoxville, Pontius, and several more of the principle cast as the medics were removing the crab from his penis as proof that his patience for the series had ended.

“There are no accidents,” said Morpheus. “We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. When I see Party Boy with a bucket of crabs coming towards my privates, I do not see coincidence, I see betrayal. I believe tonight is the night that I must leave you behind. Let me be heard from red core to black sky — I don’t want to hurt my cock anymore.”

While many fans have said this is an easily fixable issue and that calmer heads surely may have prevailed over time, others have pointed to a bit more obscure part of the Jackass universe as definitive proof that Morpheus is not only MIA from the new film, but that his character was killed off entirely!

2005’s Jackass Online was an attempt to grow the television and film franchise beyond its traditional media roots and expand the lore found in the initial series of films into the blossoming MMORPG genre. While it failed to reach the number of fans they’d hoped, what they presented was a thrilling, visceral expansion of the themes and ideas found in the early entries of the action franchise.

With the underwhelming player base, however, that means that many of the game’s revelations have been lost to time. Most notably, the stunt in which Wee Man and Morpheus get in a shopping cart that is then pushed off of the roof of the Mall of America. The aftermath of the stunt saw Morpheus perish and Wee Man replacing all four of his broken limbs with new robotic ones, making him the most powerful member of the Jackass crew.

While Wee Man’s regular arms in the trailer seem to indicate everything from Jackass Online has been retconned, something long speculated by devoted fans, the absence of Morpheus seems to indicate that director Jeff Tremaine and company intend on keeping that part of the plot intact. Jackass Online may be offline forever, but it is not forgotten apparently.

Editor’s Note: After this piece was turned in, Jackass Forever’s premiere date was pushed back from October to February. We think they’re putting Morpheus in there.

Feminist Hero Actually Prefers Velma

Posted on September 16, 2021 by Gabe Porter

BRAINERD, Minn. — Brave local man Joseph Brita has confirmed his preference for Velma over the more conventionally attractive Daphne when it comes to Scooby Doo women.

“For years I’ve been terrified of letting the world know my darkest secret. No longer will I live in fear,” Brita said while scrolling through his several gigabytes of Velma porn. “I shall stand on the highest hill and shout my truth: I think Velma is so much hotter than Daphne.”

Brita’s announcement brought an outpouring of support from all over the world, with many calling him the greatest feminist of all time.

“Now that I’m ‘out’ about my preference, it’s been gratifying to receive the praise I so desperately deserve,” said Brita, showing off dozens of awards and honorary doctorates. “It was hard to live in a world where people audibly gasped at my choice to jerk off to the adorkable Velma over the stereotypical Daphne. I’m glad to see things have changed, all because of me.”

Roommate of the hero Tyler Dollop helped explain some of the fascination.

“I’m worried about him, honestly. He has pictures of Velma up everywhere in his room, I’m talking wall-to-wall Velma. He also has made a little shrine in his closet that he thinks I don’t know about. Worst of all, his rent money always goes to more figures of Velma. God knows what he’s doing with them,” Dollop said. “This behavior is utterly irrational — I mean, isn’t Daphne the one you’re supposed to want?”

Meanwhile, prominent academics have praised Brita for his courage, believing all men should follow in his footsteps.

“Mr. Brita showcases what is, I believe, the single greatest victory in the battle against sexism since suffrage,” said Amy Frank, Professor of Feminist Studies at Princeton. “I just want to say to him, on behalf of women everywhere: Thank you for being physically attracted to someone who isn’t Daphne.”

At press time, hackers had just uncovered a secret hard drive on Brita’s computer, filled to the brim with Daphne porn.

Gamers Beware: Perverts are Trying to Make the Word ‘Load’ a Sex Thing

Posted on September 16, 2021 by Kyle Erf

Awful news, Gamers. If you are at work please stop reading immediately because this article may be considered NOT SAFE.

Are you home and over 18? Okay…

Well it finally happened, the pervs and nasties out there on the web are trying to take away something pure that the gaming community has relied on for decades: loading. That’s right, some sicko Hugh Hefners-in-training have taken the word we use for when a game restores game data from a previous session, and corrupted it.

I’m not going to sugar-coat this for you. Thanks to an anonymous tipster I can confirm many are using the word “load” for the stuff that comes out of a man when he is done having sex. Disgusting!

And apparently it is something you “drop” or “shoot.” And while I love it when enemies DROP items or when we SHOOT the last boss from Half Life right in his alien brain, I would certainly never do that with a load. Loading is for things you love like your created parks in Tony Hawk.

Gamers and sex perverts have both been online since the beginning so it was only a matter of time for our paths to cross like this. And now I’m afraid it is time for war. What must ensure our gamer sons and gamer daughters can still safely save and load for years to come — even if that stuff mostly happens automatically now.

So fellow gamers, I hope you will join me in wiping this decadent corruption from the face of video games. Next time you hear a perv saying the word “load.” Ask them forcefully to please stop. Only then will our hobby be safe.

Until then, the only “load” I’ll be dropping is when I yank the memory card out of my vintage PlayStation One while it’s reading my save data for Wild Arms 2.

BREAKING: Comedian Andy Kaufman Has Died From COVID-19 at Age 72

Posted on September 16, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Beloved comedian, actor, and wrestler Andy Kaufman passed away in his home today at 72 after contracting COVID-19, according to those familiar with the situation.

Kaufman, who began performing stand-up comedy in the 1970s, was best known for playing Latka in Taxi, his brief stint on Saturday Night Live, his Tony Clifton character, and his wrestling hijinks. In more recent years, Kaufman had mostly stayed out of the limelight, working as an executive producer on a movie about his career called Man on the Moon. Kaufman continued to perform around the United States until his death, developing a wide range of characters that he embodied in his everyday life, including waiters at local restaurants, movie theater attendants, and even on one occasion, a practicing auto accident attorney.

According to those close to Kaufman, the comedian was not “anti-vax,” but had not taken the COVID-19 vaccine because of the importance he placed on natural medicine and a desire to do further research on the side effects of the vaccine.

“It’s honestly surreal to think that we’re living in a world without Andy,” said Kaufman’s friend and frequent collaborator Bob Zmuda in a Facebook post. “It’s so weird to think that we faked his death in 1984 and now he’s genuinely gone. I actually used to perform some of the Tony Clifton shows in the early days as a little prank on the audience. Now that Andy’s not around to do it anymore, I could see myself putting on the costume again, if anything, just to honor my friend’s memory.”

“I worked so closely with Andy to portray him in Man on the Moon that we became good friends,” said actor Jim Carrey. “We kept in touch over the years and hung out every now and then. He hadn’t acted on screen in like a decade and we were so excited for him to play my grandfather, Gerald Robotnik, in the next Sonic movie. He was a major influence on me before I met him and he was an even greater influence after. I hope he may rest in peace.”

Although Kaufman never married, he is survived by his longtime partner and daughter.

Gamer Doubles Back While Exploring Dungeon to Make Sure He’s on the Wrong Path

Posted on September 15, 2021 by Peter Casciato

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local gamer Dominick Parra doubled back through a video game dungeon to make sure he wasn’t accidentally going down the correct path, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Nothing worse than exploring a path down a dungeon and realizing, shit, I went the right way; time to get teleported out of this area,” Parra explained. “That’s why it’s so important to go back and make sure you’re still going down the wrong path, that way you can easily explore every single inch of an area before making your way towards the door. That’s the best of video games, I think — catering to the symptoms of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.”

According to developers of the game Parra is playing, an RPG called Magicka Uprising, the game is designed to make it easier for players to know that they’re not headed in the correct direction.

“We know how confusing it can be in games to make sure you’re headed down the wrong path,” said lead developer Cecil Rodriguez. “We wanted to make sure that players can always tell when they’re going through a hallway that’s going to force them out of the dungeon forever and when they’re going through just a normal hallway that might have a little treasure chest with like fifty gold coins or whatever. That’s why the dungeons are filled with signs with arrows pointing towards the exit, and NPCs who stand around and say things like ‘You’re going the wrong way! Turn back now, adventurer! There are no secrets in this corner of the cave!’ That way you know there’s a secret in the corner of that cave.”

At press time, Parra was reportedly cursing himself after realizing he had accidentally left the dungeon before taking out all his items in front of a weird rock and seeing if anything happened.

Porn Video Weirdly Features Wilhelm Scream

Posted on September 15, 2021 by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — Local porn viewer Caleb Fuller was surprised this week when an seemingly innocuous Redtube clip featured the infamous Wilhelm scream in the background.

“It was a really fun Easter Egg, but to be honest it kind of killed the mood of whackin’ off,” Fuller said. “As a cinephile, I appreciated the reference, but as a masturbator, I felt it was a strange choice. I know that with porn, you accept that the acting and editing will be a bit shoddy, but this just didn’t fit at all. It would be one thing if it happened when one of the actors had an orgasm, but it kind of just happened in the background at one point.”

The director of the particular video, Sluts Gone Crazy V4, explained his editing choice.

“I thought this would be a fun, knowing wink to all the people rubbing one out at home,” said director Spencer Rice. “I always like to include allusions and references in all my videos. Many people realized that the ending to my previous piece, Sluts Gone Crazy V3, was a reference to Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo. People love a dolly zoom cum shot! Not to mention that Alfred Hitchcock’s name has ‘cock’ in it. But the best was when I paid tribute to my favorite movie as a child, A Christmas Story, when a woman gets her tongue stuck to a penis in Christmas Fuck Brigade.”

Pornography critic Curtis Wheeler says this inclusion was a much needed shake up to the series.

“I for one was able to ejaculate quicker, if anything, thanks to the Wilhelm scream,” Wheeler said. “The Sluts Gone Crazy franchise had gotten stale, but this Easter Egg helped me keep my attention for the full three minute run time. I was impressed at the inclusion of the sound clip, and I look forward to what this director does, or rather who he does in the future.”

At press time, Rice announced that Sluts Gone Crazy V5 would feature Sam Raimi’s iconic 1973 Oldsmobile.

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