Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Gamer Successfully Loots 7-Eleven After Placing Bucket on Cashier’s Head

Posted on October 23, 2021 by Christoph von Münchow

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local gamer Shayna Wallis reportedly looted a 7-Eleven after placing a large bucket on the cashier’s head and just taking everything, according to police reports.

“I learned it from watching one of those Video Games In Real Life meme videos, but I didn’t know that you could do a Video Game In Real Life meme in real life,” Wallis said. “I just put the bucket on his head and he stood there completely still, he barely made any attempt at trying to stop me. Hell, I didn’t even have to crouch! I just took whatever I could grab in my heads and hold in my shirt and got the hell out of there. Then I went home and played Skyrim because, I dunno, it just felt right. Plus, I have like ten copies of it.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the 7-Eleven cashier, Theresa Clifford, 17, was actually aware of what was happening.

“She thought she was doing some video game thing. Whatever. I don’t even get paid minimum wage, I’m not gonna do shit,” Clifford explained. “The bucket on my head was actually perfect because now I can tell my boss that I couldn’t see what happened and there is absolutely nothing they can do to say I’m lying. I didn’t see fucking shit, I was in a damn bucket. I used to do this kind of thing in video games all the time and I was always thought it was stupid, but now I fully understand. The cashier isn’t a moron, he just doesn’t give a fuck and doesn’t want his boss to know he could have stopped it.”

At press time, Wallis was arrested because 7-Elevens have cameras. When asked to comment, she said, “Gamers are truly the most oppressed people on Earth.”

Monster Hunter DLC Makes Gamers Waste 3 Hours Getting License at Department of Fish and Wildlife

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Kevin Hufe

SAN FRANCISCO — An update to Monster Hunter Rise has added a new mode that sees the protagonist have to obtain the proper permits from the United States Fish and Wildlife Service before going out and hunting the titular monsters.

“Brilliant decision by Capcom to make the game more tedious. This is the happiest I’ve been playing Monster Hunter since it took me 35 minutes to click through all the tutorial menus in Rise,” said Brent Tackleberry, a longtime Monster Hunter fan. “I was starting to worry that the series was straying too far away from its roots, but now that I can come home from work and unwind by filling out the proper paperwork and waiting in line to get the permit for the animal I’d like to hunt? It’s great to be back playing classic Monster Hunter.”

Capcom has insisted that the detail was true to the world they had built in the series thus far.

“We frankly feel this enhances the realism of the battles we’ve all come to know and count on these beloved games for,” said Kaname Fujioka, creator of the Monster Hunter franchise. “Let’s face facts, if there were a world with such rampant creatures, there would almost certainly be an industry based around their calculated execution, and a government agency to monitor all of it. It’s pretty obvious!”

Despite the alleged accuracy of the permit system, some fans have alleged this content is a step in the wrong direction for the series.

“Okay, accuracy, new ideas, sure,” said Dawn Sawchuk, who reportedly gave the new DLC a fair shot. “But if I’m understanding this correctly, I guess I’m not able to go out and hunt this Tetranadon for two weeks until Tetranadon season starts? Why did I pay money for this update? Oh well, time to sink 4,000 hours into this.”

As of press time, Tackleberry had his online account suspended for killing a Bazelgeuse that weighed more than the permit he’d purchased had allotted for.

Nintendo Announces They’ve Changed Their Mind About the N64 Stuff

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo announced today that they’ve abruptly changed their minds and will not in fact be adding long-awaited Nintendo 64 titles to Switch Online this Monday.

“Yeah, we’ve changed our mind on that,” said Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America. “We’d obviously thought long and hard and had a lot of internal discussions before we went for it in the first place, and once we put the word out, it just didn’t feel right. As such, we’re not going to be uploading that stuff on Monday. Sorry if you were looking forward to it. Breath of the Wild 2 is still happening, though. So there’s that.”

“We don’t know about the Sega games,” he added. “We’re gonna have to wait and see.”

Fans that had been critical of the service’s price point when it was revealed last week grew even more critical at Nintendo following the news.

“Wow, they are just digging themselves into deeper shit,” said Terry Aimsworth, who has been critical of Nintendo’s pricing for several years despite not owning a Switch. “First they sit on these games for years, then they put them out for the absolutely insulting price of fifty dollars a year. And then they do the even more insulting thing of not letting people pay them a measly fifty dollars for the games they want! I guess these Nintendo dorks just can’t win, huh? Seems like a pretty sad existence.”

Despite the long awaited feature being pulled away from them, many Nintendo fans said they’d continue to support the company.

“Ah yeah, well, easy come easy go, that’s life as a Nintendo guy, I guess,” said John Carol, a Nintendo guy. “You just have to know that for every one or two stone cold bangers they release, there’s like a half dozen Virtual Boys or Power Gloves. Which is to say nothing of their commitment to flat out infuriating online features. Yeah, this actually is like the most Nintendo thing they could do, aside from suing me for talking to you guys about them.”

As of press time, they should really put N64 games up on Switch.

Man Suspicious After Noticing Girlfriend’s Netflix Includes Category ‘Creepy Horror Films for Women Who Just Cheated on Their Boyfriends Named Matt’

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local man Matt Brady has become suspicious of his girlfriend after discovering a category on her Netflix account suggesting movies that are Creepy Horror Films for Women Who Just Cheated on Their Boyfriends Named Matt, according to those close to the situation.

“He’s totally overreacting, it’s ridiculous,” said Brady’s girlfriend Katlyn Gallegos. “I’ve been watching a bunch of horror movies because it’s October and just the other day I watched The Descendants, which is about a guy named Matt who gets cheated on. It’s just a dumb algorithm thing; I have all sorts of weird Netflix categories. Just scrolling through it right now, I see Historical Dramas Featuring Ben Affleck, Bingeable Science Fiction TV Shows That Mention Jupiter, and Romantic Comedies Usually Enjoyed By Women Who Are 28 Years Old and Unhappy With Their Relationship WIth Someone Named Matt, Causing Them to Become Attracted to Their Sexy Co-Worker Stephan. See? It’s just random nonsense.”

According to close sources, many of Gallegos’ and Brady’s friends have taken Gallegos’ side in the argument.

“Matt really needs to grow up and stop being so distrustful of his girlfriend,” said Gallegos’ co-worker and recent close friend Stephan Henson. “I mean why is he even snooping around on her Netflix anyway? Shouldn’t he have his own account? It’s incredibly annoying too because she was at my house the other day and we were gonna watch a creepy horror movie together but it stopped working, I think, because he started trying to use the account. Dude, grow up. Katlyn isn’t cheating on you, but if you keep treating her like this, I wouldn’t be surprised if something does end up happening down the line. But it isn’t right now!”

In an attempt to resolve the issue and save his relationship, Brady has reportedly called Netflix customer support to see how the categories are created.

“Everybody was telling me that the Netflix categories are just random, so I called Netflix to see what the deal is. Unfortunately, they told me that the categories they create are a reflection of our very essence. Direct quote,” Brady said. “Apparently they take the algorithm very seriously over at Netflix. The representative I spoke to explained to me that the app can, like, see into your soul and extract the exact type of movie or TV show you would want to watch. They said there’s no truer version of yourself than the recommended shows you see on Netflix. They told me that some people don’t like the algorithm only because seeing themselves in such a raw honest way is frightening.”

“Personally I thought that was kind of weird,” he added. “Most of my recommended shows are just whatever Netflix Original came out that week.”

At press time, Gallegos discovered that Brady was so obsessed with the idea that she might be cheating on him because he was cheating on her.

11-Year-Old Confident DC-Themed Birthday Would’ve Been Bigger Success With Zack Snyder’s Involvement

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

DENVER — A local child is certain his recent underwhelming birthday party would have been a bigger success had filmmaker Zack Snyder been involved, as was originally pitched.

“No doubt about it, this was fine, but it doesn’t really live up my original vision,” said Harrison Bridges, of his recent 11th birthday party thrown by his mother, which featured a vanilla cake and paper plates with Batman on them. “I think if we can somehow get Zack Snyder’s attention and get him involved we can get another crack at this thing and realize its full potential. I know it sounds silly, but didn’t the Justice League cut sound like a pipe dream just a few years ago? This is the only 11th birthday I’ll have, and I want it to be perfect in every way.”

The child’s mother was concerned about the feasibility of something as lofty as a rebooted birthday party with Zack Snyder at the helm.

“My son has been talking about this Snyder cut of his party for a long time now, almost as soon as the actual party started,” said Christine Bridges, Harrison’s mother. “And if I’m being honest, I still don’t fully understand what he’d like for me and everyone else to do. The guy I hired to be Superman did his best, everybody did their best today! Did he have fun? Isn’t that all that matters? I’m worried what catering to his demands might do to his development, frankly.”

Despite the mother’s objections, a groundswell of local support has grown into a full blown online movement, one that has actually garnered the attention of Snyder himself.

“I’m sorry, they want me to do what?” said Snyder, from the set of the upcoming Army of the Dead: Lost Vegas TV show. “That’s a little much. However, I gotta say, I respect the approach. Alright, god damn it, tell the kid I’m coming, I’m bringing my cameras, I’m bringing my ideas, and I’ll fucking CG any of his friends he doesn’t want right the fuck out of there. Whoa, this is gonna be sweet!”

As of press time, Snyder had announced several sequels and prequels to Harrison’s birthday party.

Surgeon Performs 6-Hour Operation to Separate Art From Artist

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Local controversial filmmaker Jarred Cervantes underwent a new and dangerous 6-hour surgery to be separated from his art following intense criticism for his actions, according to those familiar with the situation.

“It’s an incredibly dangerous procedure; we’ve actually yet to perform it successfully so far. But I think we’re getting very close,” said lead surgeon Dr. Theodore Sanford. “Most artists are simply too closely connected to their art for the separation to split it off in a healthy way. My team and I worked tirelessly with Woody Allen, for example, on the very same operation and… I’m sorry it’s hard for me to talk about this… we unfortunately lost all of Mr. Allen’s films during the surgery. It is one of my greatest failings as a doctor, but I try not to let it get in the way of future work. There are so many artists I need to try separating from their art.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Cervantes opted for the surgery in a last ditch effort to save his art from being canceled along with him.

“Is what I did wrong? Sure. I feel really bad about all the women I did it too, of course. But does that mean people have to stop enjoying my work? I dunno, but I have a ton of money I can spend to try to make sure that they don’t,” Cervantes explained. “There’s nothing more important to me than my films — that’s why I’m willing to go under the knife to make sure they can be salvaged despite my status as a, dare I say, canceled filmmaker. I do literally anything to make sure that people can enjoy my art. Well, anything except not do all the stuff I did to make it so that people hate me and think I should be imprisoned. But that still leaves a lot of stuff!”

At press time, Dr. Sanford had to delay the operation after several of the hospital’s nurses found Cervantes masturbating on the operating table just before the doctor arrived.

Confirmed: The Spice in “Dune” Is Pumpkin

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Dan Tomascik

ARRAKEEN — The planet Dune’s melange spice supply, an inherent component to the operation of interstellar travel, prescient vision, and the power of Great Houses, is now confirmed to be pumpkin spice.

“It always had a cinnamon taste to it, sure — three seasons out of the year,” said Duncan Idaho, a member of House Atreides, “but autumn on Arrakis is here when the pumpkin notes start to come out. It’s the signal to spend the weekends dew collecting, going on haunted ‘thopter rides, and enjoying Kanly-korn. Fall vibes are an essential for the planet Dune — truly, the pumpkin spice must flow.”

With the arrival of the annual fall festival in the capital, craftmakers have begun to flock to marketplaces selling kitschy cushion covers with the “Litany Against Fear” hand-embroidered on them, literjons full of offworld pumpkin seed butter, and plenty of pumpkin-spice coffee. Sources have even sighted city-dwellers bobbing for offworld apples floating in sand instead of water for conservation purposes.

Outside the Shield Wall, local Fremen of Sietch Ba’sic were also seen getting seasonal. Many wore robes adorned in desert tartan and flannel. Young Fremen children were seen utilizing crysknifes to carve jack o’lanterns into offworld pumpkins and trading scary stories.

“Shai-hulud has always blessed us with ‘season of the spook’,” explained one Fremen leader, Gourd, “We will tell the young ones around glowglobes scary stories as the nights get cooler. Nothing like the smell of pumpkin-spice and the look of their terrified faces. They’d almost wet their stillsuit if it didn’t mean they’d have to drink it later!”

Although there are fond memories of the fall season and the traditions it brings, some traditions have grown into lore and even led to dark superstitions among the Fremen.

“The scariest is the one Usul told us about a being named Fred’die, a warrior sent to punish the Fremen in their dreams,” said Gourd, “Though that one can be too scary at times. Like a skinless kangaroo-mouse in a striped sweater with a claw for a hand…Is this truly the awful future that the Muad’dib has envisioned for us?”

Buckle the Fuck Up: Our DM Just Showed Up and He’s Wearing a Duster

Posted on October 19, 2021 by Hard Drive Staff

Oh fuck me you guys, you won’t believe what just happened. We got together for our weekly D&D game at Jay’s, and Jesse was a little bit late. Not a big deal really, just a little bit unlike him. He’s always on time, and as our dungeon master, he is usually the first one to arrive, so that he can start setting up and doing last minute fine tuning, things like that.

That’s why it felt peculiar when it got to be a quarter after 7 and there was no sign of Jesse. No texts, nothing. We had decided to play a few rounds of Mario Kart while we were waiting, and after a few minutes we heard his car pull up in the driveway. So a bit of a late start to the game, but by and large, we thought all was well. Boy were we wrong.

The first hint that our fucking minds were about to get fucked should’ve come when Jesse opted not to enter through the front door as we all usually did, but the way he broke into a basement window and shocked all of us by entering into the room from the kitchen entrance. That’s when we saw it. This motherfucker had on the biggest blackest duster I’ve ever seen. Ho. Ly. Fuck.

When I say enter, I mean he goddamned entered, too. He stepped into the room looking like Neo with his jacket and his shades. Oh yeah, he was wearing sunglasses too. We just paused the Switch and stared at him, our mouths agape as he spun around and did finger guns as his trenchcoat did that awesome swirly thing.

After looking around for a minute, he said real calmly, “Follow me into the kitchen to begin the rest of your lives.” How fucking cool is that?! Also, he always brings a 12-pack of Pepsi, but he was really committed to this new thing he was doing, because he didn’t have Pepsi or even his usual box of Cosmic Brownies. Just this new cool attitude.

We have had the same unofficial seats since we’ve been playing this game, but tonight everyone clearly jockeyed for position to sit closest to Jesse. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s sort of the exact opposite of his ill-fated fedora phase that we all decided to never mention again. This motherfucker went back to the drawing board and practically split the atom. I feel bad that I almost quit coming to this game. Imagine if I’d missed this shit.

Okay, I came to the bathroom to scribble my thoughts down, as this is clearly about the be the craziest night of my fucking life. Will keep everyone updated. A duster!

Photo via Flickr.

Redditor Asking for Game Recommendations Told to Lawyer Up and Get a Divorce

Posted on October 19, 2021 by Jakob Biddle

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local Redditor Grant Wall was reportedly told to “lawyer up and get a divorce” by hundreds of people on a subreddit after asking for advice on which indie game to purchase next, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I just wanted to know which indie games are worth the price tag. I’m not even sure how people figured out I’m married, but I guess they looked through my post history or something,” Wall explained. “But they brought up a lot of good points. Maybe I am being cheated on by my wife! I don’t know. Seems like if I don’t act now, she’s going to divorce me and take all my money and possessions… and then I won’t even have time to play Wildermyth, which looks great, by the way! Glad that so many people recommended I check it out in the thread.”

According to close sources, the thread was filled with life advice for Wall, including from many who established immediately that they are not professionals, but willing to give their opinion.

“Not a therapist, but just the way you’re asking which indie game is worth buying leads me to believe you are being emotionally abused by your wife or girlfriend,” said the top comment on the thread. “You should really look into why you seem unsure about what genres you enjoy, and who is manipulating you into talking like this.”

“Not a lawyer, but I looked through your post history and the situation you outlined with your landlord in a comment three years ago seems particularly relevant here,” said another comment. “You’re definitely going to want to make sure you have the proper representation once you purchase Deathloop, because there will be noise complaints.”

“Not a doctor, but based on your comment, I think you have testicular cancer,” said a third comment. “You should go to the hospital immediately, you probably have less than 24 hours to live otherwise. Just my two cents.”

At press time, a screenshot of Wall’s Reddit question was posted to Twitter, followed by hundreds of comments suggesting his wife “throw the whole man away” along with a gif of Norm MacDonald being thrown into a dumpster.

Guy Who Spent Years Getting Girlfriend Into Video Games Begging Her to Stop Playing Stardew Valley All Day

Posted on October 19, 2021 by Josh Levinson

EL PASO, Texas — Local gamer Dexter Gilmore is reportedly begging his girlfriend Lilliana West to stop playing Stardew Valley all day after convincing her to finally try video games for the first time.

“Talk about a monkey’s paw situation. The whole eight years we’ve been dating she’s been so dismissive of video games and I knew if she just gave them a shot, she’d actually like them a little bit. Well I fucked that up entirely,” Gilmore said. “It’s been a month and she’s barely left our apartment. She just sits there cultivating her fucking farm or whatever. I think she’s even married to some guy in the game too; I’ve basically been replaced! I just miss my girlfriend so much. I had no idea what it was like to be dating a gamer. I want to go back to the old way! I’ll even give up gaming, myself! Please!”

“She used to do all the chores around the apartment and I always said I was too busy, but really I was just trying to hang out with my friends in Apex Legends,” Gilmore added. “Now I’m doing all the chores and it’s like, whoa, these are actually pretty fucking annoying! I tried to get her to help me out, but she was passed out on the couch mumbling about trades or some shit. I’m losing my fucking mind here.”

Despite Gilmore’s cries for help, the couple’s friends have been mostly unwilling to side with him on the issue.

“This was what you get for trying to force your partner to get into the same hobbies as you. She said she didn’t like video games and he pushed and pushed and pushed. Well maybe he got what he deserves,” said Gilmore’s and West’s longtime friend Olivia Bateman. “If anything this is just the gamer equivalent of the guy who begs his girlfriend to open up their relationship and then cries when she fucks a lot of other people.”

When pressed to comment, West was uninterested in an interview.

“What’s that?” she asked before pausing for several minutes. “Sorry, trying to catch this fish for the contest. Who are you?”

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