GameSpot’s Breaking News Article Just a Link to Yesterday’s IGN Post

SAN FRANCISCO — Several anonymous tipsters revealed today that a breaking news article on the front page of GameSpot this morning is merely a link to IGN’s report on the story published yesterday. 

“Another huge scoop for us,” said Molly Reilly, a writer from GameSpot. “We’ve cut our teeth on two things around here and made a career out of it: being the 7th or 8th best video game news site and being confused for gaming retail giant GameStop. This is a banner day for GameSpot, and we think this report from IGN is some of the best coverage we’ve done in a while. Don’t forget to bookmark GameSpot.com for more timely coverage of the biggest stories in gaming!” 

While many predicted that the alleged redirect would spur controversy for GameSpot, gamers seem to be relatively unsurprised at the news. 

“Oh yeah, that’s about par for the course,” said Roy Summer, a frequent user of websites. “I remember last year when they ‘premiered’ the trailer for CyberPunk 2077 a week before it came out! I was sick of it already and here they were pretending it was new. Weird man. How do they stay in business? Is it because people think they’re GameStop? That’s it, isn’t it? ‘Cause I thought it was GameStop for a while and, hell, I thought GameStop itself was SmashBurger for years.”

Representatives of IGN, however, were none too pleased with GameSpot’s approach to reporting breaking news.

“This is the type of shit that gives video game journalism a bad name,” said Devin Copeland, a senior editor at IGN. “We get up every day and go to work paraphrasing press releases, and for those assholes at GameSpot to just swoop in on our swoopings is just, well, it’s fucked up, man. This is worse than the time some parody website accidentally reposted a joke they made about Filip Miucin.” 

As of press time, IGN had blocked further redirects to their site from GameSpot, just as GameSpot was reporting that James Gunn had been fired from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3.

Extremely Ambitious Rainbow Six Siege DLC Includes Brian

MONTREAL — The latest update to the immensely popular 2015 tactics shooter Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege will introduce what many have speculated is its most ambitious playable operator yet: some guy named Brian. 

“We wanted to give the fans something they haven’t seen yet,” said Jade West, a lead developer with Ubisoft Montreal. “And we’ve had all kinds of spies and mercenaries, just everything you can think of. We’ve been updating this damn game for six years, and we were in the conference room late one night just banging our heads against the wall, when one of the programmers said we should just put his cousin Brian in the game. I think he was joking, but it just sounded so inspired. I said to get Brian on a plane ASAP.” 

Gamers dismissed the news of Brian at first, saying it was an uninteresting choice that in no way could stack up to the other operators already in the game, but some who have had the chance to play test the character found themselves convinced otherwise. 

“At first I thought Brian was going to be the worst character in the game by far,” said Fern Burton, who worked as a beta tester on the new content. “His khaki pants and cell phone clipped onto his belt make him seem like such a loser. But then I realized, Brian’s a lot closer to me than any of these other people in the game. I like that. I like seeing a normal guy like Brian in there. You probably shouldn’t pick him, though. He has no skills whatsoever and his special gadget is just a laser pointer he tries to get a cat to chase around. But there’s never any cats around. Just bullets. Poor Brian.” 

The inspiration for the game’s newest character was thrilled at his inclusion in the game.

“Oh my god, I still can’t believe this is real,” said Brian, who will be the first new operator to debut as part of the game’s upcoming 24th season. “We all dream of being in a video game one day, but who thinks it’s actually going to happen?  I don’t really play shooters, so I won’t be checking it out, but gee whiz, just to be put in there is so hot doggin’ neat!” 

As of press time, Brian is rumored to be heavily featured in the upcoming Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time remake.

Female Alien With Gills, Tentacles, and Four Eyes Also Has Tremendous and Symmetrical Boobs

CONWAY, S.C. — Hugo award winning writer Bill Fender has dropped the first teaser of his next novel, Space Controller, which features an alien race with each female member of the species possessing gills, tentacles, four eyes, and tremendous, symmetrical boobs.

“These are the NoUggos, the beautiful, mysterious race you will learn about in Space Controller”, said Fender in a press release, accompanied by an incredibly detailed piece of concept art for the species. “In appearance, the NoUggo people have dark green skin, gills, four terrifying eyes, and — don’t worry — massive, perfectly balanced alien honkers. It’s fun to get a little out of control with the way these aliens look, so long as we don’t forget to make sure they still have those very important breasts. Or else what are we even really doing?”

“As for the rest of the book,” Fender added, “I haven’t even started that shit yet.”

Science fiction enthusiasts, as well as representatives from the Hugo awards, have been quick to critique Fender’s latest alien race as “horny.”

“I wish Fender would just write one story that doesn’t mention boobs,” said one fan, Lydia Briggs. “I mean I actually really like some of the world building ideas surrounding the aliens in the book. The tentacles seem to serve a genuine anatomical purpose and Fender seems to have gone to painstaking lengths to describe the reason the aliens have developed four eyes. So why the hell do they need breasts?! They don’t need to produce milk! Just stop while you’re ahead!”

In response, Fender doubled down and provided an exhaustive amount of detail to suggest how well thought-out the world of Space Controller is, and how all of the erotic details throughout are “absolutely necessary”.

“The NoUggos’ home planet is currently facing steeply declining birth rates. Each and every inhabitant of NoUggos is pressured to find a mate to have steamy, reproductive sex with or to be considered a hindrance to the planet’s survival,” Fender explained. “Don’t you see?! The NoUggos need the boobs! It’s absolutely crucial to the plot and the characters! Without the big mommy sci-fi milkers, the story is nothing!”

At press time, Fender revealed that there will be a less horny, evil member of the NoUggos that is modeled after his ex-wife who recently divorced him.

Is Your Boyfriend Talking to You or the People in His Headset?

Time for another dip into the Hard Drive mailbag! If you have a question for Hard Drive, please send it in a DM to our official Xbox Live account with the subject line “HELLO.”

Dear Hard Drive, 

I know the stereotype: girls don’t like games. Well that’s not true! I don’t mind one bit that my boyfriend likes to hang out and play games with his friends while we’re together. I’m working on homework more often than not anyway, so what’s it matter to me if he keeps himself busy while I still get to see him? 

So my problem isn’t the gaming, it’s this — about the half the time he says something out loud, I’m not sure if he’s talking to me, or some of the boys. It’s embarrassing! Sometimes it’s really obvious, like when he says, “Where are we dropping, fellas?” or “Hey babe, would you grab me another soda?” but other things are harder to tell. He’s always saying “check that out!” or “look at that!” or “dear god I’ve been shot!” and I’m not sure if he means me or him.

It might not sound like a big deal, but when I ask him if he means me, he very often blames me for making him lose the game. I get his point, it is probably very distracting. In my defense, however, I really thought he was telling ME that he loved me, not the squad, but I digress. 

Hard Drive, will you help me figure out if my boyfriend is talking to me or the people in his headset? IGN won’t answer me back and Kotaku won’t leave me alone. You’re my only hope. 

—Worried About Lacking Understanding In Gaming Instances


Dear W.A.L.U.I.G.I.,

While normally we like to tackle bigger issues here at the HDMB, it’s actually been a shockingly underperforming aspect of our website, and yours was the only letter we received all month, despite the massive promotional push we made.

While your specific question is an impossible one to answer in a clean and concise manner, we can tell you what to look for when trying to decipher if your significant other is talking to you or his sweet, sweet boys on the other end of the headset. 

Despite the microphone literally being inches away from his esophagus, your gaming lover will likely feel the need to scream his inter-squad messages directly into their eardrums, so that is definitely something you want to consider. If he screams “Aw come on, where the fuck were you?” and you’re just sitting there reading a book, you’re probably in the clear. It’s all about context clues, like whether or not he’s shouting very loudly. 

Also, he’s probably just gonna be talking to the guys most of the time. You have to understand that moving forward into this investigation. 

If he’s requesting something that the dudes couldn’t possibly do, like to turn down the show you’re watching, or to quit turning pages so loudly, that’s another one to keep an eye out for. An eye and an ear, just to be safe. 

If he just proclaims something suddenly and loudly, like “Noooooooooooooo!” then it’s honestly a toss-up. Could be the game, could be something you did. You know better than us on this one.

We hope these pointers help. If all else fails, just break up with him I guess. 

In the meantime, the Official Domino’s Pizza Hard Drive Mailbag is still open, and please please send us your questions, because we’re trying to see if we can just say that like it’s a real thing and if it means they have to give us money if people like it!

— Hard Drive

Friend Promises Game Is Fantastic If You Can Get Past Gameplay

AUSTIN, Texas — Sources have confirmed that your friend Sadie Green has beaten the new indie game DustPunch, which she claims is a fantastic, unforgettable gaming experience that will grip you from start to finish as long as you can get past its incredibly unenjoyable gameplay.  

“It’s like, really good. It takes place in the 1930s American South during the Dust Bowl,” said Green, pausing several more times to repeat that the game really is good. ”There’s this one cutscene where the wind is howling as you finally get to embrace your son for the first time in years. When the cutscene ends, your character is immediately blown halfway across the map by a huge gust of wind. I can’t tell if this is a bug because the developers didn’t make him heavy enough, but as long as you ignore that part, it’s a really breathtaking moment that I didn’t know games were even capable of.” 

Even when the gameplay works as intended, Green says that DustPunch’s gameplay centers on mundane activities that you really just have to grit your teeth through to get to the good stuff.

“During one story mission, your wife, Lisa Charleston, is giving birth to your second child. It’s a beautiful occasion that has been built up throughout the game. The baby becomes this perfect embodiment of love that you feel for Lisa’s character.” says Green. “But then as her water breaks in a cutscene, you’re forced to actually play through preparing the house for a baby for like 10 solid hours of uninterrupted minigame-type experiences.” 

Green says that at this point, the player has to complete such tasks as preparing a warm towel that is specifically hot, but not too hot, putting on soothing music at exactly the right time, and continually pressing Z to emotionally support your wife during labor. Once the baby is born, you’re tasked with naming it, which involves a five-minute sequence where you have to manually flip through the pages of a 1935 baby name book in first person. 

Still, Green says, even if this gameplay doesn’t sound exciting to you, the payoff of the full game experience is well worth it.

“The game might seem like it wasn’t designed for anyone to ever play it, but for history fans who love the Dust Bowl, the story is too good to pass up.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Vegetables Can’t Talk and Also God Isn’t Real

NEW YORK — Neil deGrasse Tyson addressed a gathering of students at Columbia University this week with a seminar in which he covered all things regarding the cosmos, existence, and even the animated religious program VeggieTales.

“I happened to watch a cartoon the other day called VeggieTales, and it made me angrier than anything I’ve watched since Gravity,” the astrophysicist said. “Vegetables that had somehow achieved sentience? Bouncing around and speaking? It’s preposterous. They were also spreading the word of the Christian God, who, by the way, isn’t real. Is everybody who watched this a baby? It’s just completely ridiculous the producers thought they could get away with something that is simply scientifically false.”

“I mean, Bob the Tomato? Larry the Cucumber? ‘’God is bigger than the boogie man?’ One should not heed the advice of such ridiculous abominations, especially when it comes to the existence of a higher power, which does not exist and cannot exist,” said Tyson, continuing through his slideshow while breaking down every scientific inconsistency about the show’s premise that garden-variety vegetables could learn to speak and spread the gospel of Christ.

Students appeared baffled and confused during Tyson’s presentation, as he grew more and more fixated on the subject. 

“He just kept going on about how VeggieTales could never actually happen in real life,” one student said. “I grew up watching VeggieTales. It was enjoyable enough if you didn’t pay too close attention to it. I don’t even consider myself religious, per se, but I don’t see how it’s hurting anyone. I agree that vegetables can’t talk.”

“Neil is one of our favorite and most esteemed speakers to visit campus and come speak to our students,” said Dean of Columbia University James J. Valentini. “And even though he does tend to get a little stuck in the weeds occasionally, he’s one of the greatest scientific minds of our generation. Just never listen to him talk about something you enjoy because he’s a real buzzkill.”

At press time, the Q&A section of Tyson’s presentation had gone completely off the rails after a student asked a follow-up question about the scientific plausibility of Pokémon.

Toddler Struggling to Keep Up With Fifty Years Worth of Sesame Street Continuity

DALLAS — Local child Sammy Dorner, 2, found himself having trouble understanding new episodes of Sesame Street without having seen all 4,591 previous episodes.

“I’m trying the best I can to keep up,” Sammy reported during a recent all-day binge watch. “I’ve been burning through all the episodes, all the movies, and having my mom read me all the books, but I’m still not able to keep track of all the characters and their complex history that keeps referencing other plotlines. Just when I think I’m following the plot, they throw in a twist like the Yip Yip Aliens or that Snuffalupugus mystery. Then there’s that whole theme with the number 8! Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out if the Big Bird played by Carroll Spinney is supposed to be the same character as the Big Bird played by Matt Vogel.” 

Many members of the Sesame Street fanbase rolled their eyes at his attempt to catch up.

“I bet he doesn’t even know who Alistar Cookie is,” said Lily Sampson, 4, president of the Sesame Street fan club. “He told me he hasn’t even bothered to purchase Grover’s coloring book. It’s pretty much the encyclopedia for anyone who calls themselves a true fan. He claimed his excuse for not owning it was that he needed his mommy to drive him to the store to buy it or something like that. He might as well give up. This show is for serious fans only. Maybe he should stick to more mainstream shows like Yo Gabba Gabba”

In response to allegations that Sesame Street lore had become too complex, Henson Studios representative Jeff Henson was unapologetic.

“We want to reward our fans who have been staying with the show for the last 50 years. If we were to reboot the timeline, we would be spitting on the face of everyone who’s grown to love the characters and how they’ve evolved,” Henson said. “It can be a little annoying, I guess, to figure out if stuff like Elmo’s Christmas Countdown is canon, but you will always have friends on Reddit who can help summarize things for you.”

Although he remained behind at the moment, Sammy Dorner made it his goal to complete the entire series before he learned how to tie his shoes.

Report: Letterboxd User Writes Review Like They’re Getting Paid for It

AUCKLAND, N.Z. — Film enthusiasts using Letterboxd were reportedly appalled this week after coming across one user’s review of The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension that was written with such care that it seemed as if the writer thought he was getting paid for it.

“It’s a ridiculous notion to say the least,” said Robert Hyland, one such Letterboxd user that had encountered the post. “The idea that anyone would actually care enough about your opinion to read it? Get real. It’s a glorified Twitter for guys that show off their Criterion Blu Ray copy of Yojimbo on first dates. Not even watch it, literally just brag about owning it. If you’re on there to do anything except workshop one-liners, you’re on the wrong app, pal.”

Another avid cinephile, Frank Bannister shared his own invaluable thoughts on the Banzai review.

“I mean, maybe if the guy had a good take I’d understand, but it became clear after reading all 600 words of his review a second time that the genius of Buckaroo just didn’t connect,” confessed Bannister. “It’s such a clever deconstruction and satirization of the machismo-soaked decadence of contemporary action films of the day, expressed through an absurdist macrocosmic lens. You can hear all about it on my podcast. We just cracked 5 dollars a month on Patreon!”

Professional film critic Josh Hanauer had also come across the Banzai review, and seemed to be much more sympathetic.

“In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad. Read pretty fluidly.” Hanauer said. “Almost felt like it had been edited and curated. I’d be surprised if it wasn’t written by an actual journalist.”

When reached to comment, the author of the review, Deacon Walker, defended his choice.

“I think the review is exquisite. Filled with strong choices right from the very beginning, Walker’s review of Buckaroo Banzai is a feast for the eyes, inviting readers to relish in the wonder of a man expressing his thoughts on a fim for no reason other than his love of both the written and visual language. Reading the review—” Walker said, before we cut him off because we just couldn’t listen to any more of his shit.

Proud Man Once Afraid of Dying a Virgin Now Just Afraid of Dying

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Local gamer Mike Plant, who once feared dying a virgin, now only fears death following a momentous event in his life, according to satisfied sources.

“Heh heh, yeah, I guess I’m, uh, not so afraid of dying a virgin anymore, one could perchance say,” explained Plant, 35, with a grin on his face. “Things are looking pretty up for ole Mikey now that a certain something — or shall I say someone — has erased my number one big fear in life. Ooh baby! However, that being said… no matter how much my life has changed following the chance encounter I just had, nothing can erase the fact that death comes for us all. One day you’re living your best life, doing the deed with a woman you met on a dating app exclusively for tabletop RPG gamers in the tristate area, and the next moment, you’re dead in the ground. There’s nothing we can do to stop the inevitability of this. Nothing, of course, except live our lives to the fullest. And uh, for about four minutes last night, I guess you can say that’s what I’ve been doing!”

Those close to the information reported that the event has changed Plant’s outlook on life.

“You know they say money can’t buy happiness. Well it turns out that’s true for other major parts of life as well,” Plant said. “I thought for sure that when I finally did the dirty, it would change my life forever. But the fundamentals remain. Having sex for the first time was, without a doubt, the greatest experience of my entire life by far. Literally nothing compares to it, not graduating from graduate school with a Master’s degree, not opening a pack of random Pokémon cards and seeing a shiny Charizard. But that moment of wetting my ween has not had the impact that I wish it had: erasing my fear of the unknown. And we’ll never know what comes for us after this life.”

“I’m a changed man, that much is for sure,” Plant added, after some silence. “But I am not changed enough.”

At press time, the woman who Plant had slept with the night before asked him to please stop talking to her and just get out of her home already.

Backstabbing Sociopath Feels Seen by Representation in Loki

NEW YORK — Local backstabbing sociopath Jared Finch reportedly feels represented when he sees Marvel Cinematic Universe character Loki on the big screen and on Disney+.

“There’s nothing more important than seeing characters like yourself in media. That’s why it’s so nice to watch someone like Loki, who only cares about himself and will do whatever he can to raise his position, even if it’s at the cost of his friendships. When I see him, I’m like ‘that’s me,’” explained Finch. “There were a lot of characters who came close before Loki, sure. Hell, even Iron Man was huge for me, but it was never quite all the way there — I’m not rich or smart, I’m just an asshole. Loki has been huge for me. He gives me hope that maybe one day, I too can make it to the very top, if I just betray everyone who has ever helped me.”

According to those close to the situation, the MCU has changed the way that Finch interacts with others.

“Jared was always a backstabbing sociopath, but now he’s proud of it, ever since he started watching Marvel movies. And I don’t know which of those personality traits is more annoying, the sociopath or the MCU obsessive,” said Finch’s friend Chaim East. “I guess I’m glad he feels represented in movies and TV, though. I guess I hope the next big thing is seeing someone like himself in politics, where there still has never been a backstabbing sociopath ever before.”

At press time, Finch’s friendship with East dissolved after Finch called our website to try and get East removed from this article in an effort to be the sole person quoted in it.

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