Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Here’s All the SNL Porn Parodies Coming to LorneHub This Month

Posted on November 6, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NBC has finally launched their hit new streaming service LorneHub, the only app exclusively for watching porn parodies of Saturday Night Live sketches. According to a press release that came out today, the streaming service will launch as an add-on to Peacock, which for the purposes of this new app, will be renamed Peecock.

The streaming service is launching with several new titles featuring performances by Taint McKinnon, Leslie Bone, Beck Bennettover, Sarah Squirt, Rachel Snatch, Amy Pole Her, Rob Wiggle, Cheri Ohtearme, Michael O’Donogho, and actual SNL cast member Kenan Thompson. According to NBC, LorneHub will have its own website, as well as an app available on Roku, PlayStation, Xbox, and cellphones with a cracked screen.

The following titles will be hitting LorneHub as exclusives this month:

What Up With That Pussy
Dear Stepsister
More Cowgirl
Debbie Goes Downer
The Explicitly Gay Duo
I Live in a Bang Bus Down by the River
Haunted Fuck House (David S. Pumping Loads)
Kissing Family [editor’s note: this is apparently just the actual SNL sketch]
Cumheads
Dick in a Vagina
Natalie Portman Wrapped
Three Twinks Beg Not to Be Destroyed
Laser Cunts
New Writer Will Do Anything to Get Their Sketch on the Show
Celebrities Audition for Eyes Wide Shut
Two Wild & Crazy Guys Do One Wild & Crazy Girl
MacGroper
Garth and Kat: Behind the Scenes
Jenny Slate Accidentally Says “Fuck” Cumpilation
Lonely Garth Dominated by Target Lady
Mom Jeans Striptease
Just Audio of Darryl Hammond Announcing the Names of Porn Stars

Seems like a great batch of new content! Make sure to check Hard Drive each month for the latest on what’s going up (and who’s going down!) on LorneHub.

Q-Anon Believer Swears JFK Jr. Coming to Smash Bros Tonight

Posted on November 6, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

DALLAS — A staunch believer in the ongoing Q conspiracy has spent the day swearing to his friends that John F. Kennedy Jr. will be making his surprise debut in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate later this evening.

“You watch, this is the one,” said Gern Culley, the Q devotee who had previously been misled by ResetEra posts about several Smash Bros leaks, including Waluigi, Master Chief, and Crash Bandicoot. “Laugh all you want, but let’s just wait until midnight and see as John F Kennedy Jr. doesn’t suddenly appear on everyone’s character select screens. Even if you haven’t paid for the DLC. This is going to change everything. You’ll see. And when we’re just gonna sit back and laugh at everyone that didn’t believe us.”

“They’re gonna make it look like Donald Trump is the character and then he’s gonna step aside and it’s gonna be JFK Jr,” Culley explained. “And he’s also gonna have a really good recovery and he’s gonna have a counter as his down-b. That’s a given.”

Smash Bros. players all over the world met the theory with skepticism.

“That’s not even a thing that could feasibly happen,” said Beverly Nanton, a Smash Bros. fan. “Even if they hadn’t said they were done adding new fighters, JFK Jr. was a human lawyer and publisher, not a fighter. They would never put a real guy in there. Never mind the fact that he has nothing to do with video games, is dead, and not particularly relevant to today’s Nintendo audiences. Then again, I said they’d never go through with Ridley either, so I don’t know. Wouldn’t be the craziest shit I’ve seen.”

Nintendo executives denied that they were including the son of the slain 35th President of the United States.

“While it is a tremendously inspired idea, that’s just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “What kind of moves would we possibly give to a big tall handsome guy with no combat experience that would make him convincing in a fighting game? We have to stop treating it as news every time these silly fucks think JFK Jr. is coming to the game or that King K Rool is actually Hillary Clinton. Enough already.”

At press time, Super Smash Bros. announced that JFK Jr. would be added to the game as a DLC fighter, confirming Culley’s theories.

Kevin Feige: “We’re Gonna Kill Fucking 35 Uncle Bens in Spider-Man: No Way Home”

Posted on November 6, 2021 by Jordan Breeding

BURBANK, Calif. — President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige revealed that Spider-Man: No Way Home will introduce the concept of the multiverse within the Marvel Cinematic Universe, primarily as a vehicle to provide an opportunity to “kill 35 fucking Uncle Bens, at minimum.”

“We typically have the big picture trajectory of an MCU story in place approximately 4-5 years in advance to help ensure every character has a satisfying arc,” explained Feige, caressing a Marissa Tomei Aunt May action figure while imagining a field of Uncle Bens being mowed down all at once. “And if you remember, we first mentioned Uncle Ben in the MCU back in 2016’s Captain America: Civil War, which means we’ve spent half a decade planning a way to tastefully introduce and just fucking massacre 35 variants of that blue collar piece of shit in a way that’s sure to please fans of Aunt May being single and ready to mingle in whichever universes where she’s still young and pretty.”

Feige’s announcement is a welcome relief for Marvel fans who’ve long been invested in the film and TV series’ intricate, sometimes indirect plotting.

“My favorite aspect of the MCU is following along with the characters and their stories,” said Larry Peabody, a self-proclaimed “superfan” of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “The multiverse opens up the possibility of introducing tons of iconic characters who can come in and kill all the ones that are boring and old and named Ben and aren’t even really a good fit for May, who I think we can all agree deserves more of an alpha male, film executive type.”

Feige says while ironing out the story has been the main priority for the team behind No Way Home, another important consideration when planning to slaughter Uncle Ben at least 35 times simultaneously is casting the right actors.

“There’s Uncle Ben 2099, Spider-Uncle-Ben, Ultimate Uncle Ben,” began Kevin Feige, gleefully imagining each Uncle Ben meeting his demise as he recited all of their names. “And of course, Uncle Ben Noir, who goes out to the deli for cigarettes one night and never comes back. He’s not going to be in the scene [where 35 Uncle Bens get slaughtered], but there will be a few lines referencing the fact that he still hasn’t come back home. It doesn’t matter too much because the Aunt May in the noir universe has already started dating again.”

As of press time, sources are reporting on an unverified leak which claims the end credits stinger for Spider-Man: No Way Home hints at another exciting multiverse development with an Earth-1218 version of Kevin Feige licking Aunt May’s feet for 17 minutes.

What ‘The Eternals’ Post-Credits Scene Means for Me, Someone Who Really Has to Pee

Posted on November 5, 2021 by Zach Raffio

By now, Marvel fans are accustomed to sticking around long after the credits roll, as any seasoned MCU-head knows the story doesn’t end when the screen goes black. With Chloé Zhao’ fresh, lore-heavy The Eternals hitting theaters this weekend, we took a look at what the almost three-hour film’s post-credits scene means for me, someone who really, really has to pee.

As usual, the film provides a few of the larger credits before the mid-credits cutaway. We see the producers, the main cast, and the restroom sign peeking out from the slightly opened theater door. Still, I know what I signed up for, and will be sticking my ground, even if I did sneak in a two-liter Fresca in my sneaker. Maybe I could pee in that? No, stay strong.

Here we go: the beloved mid-credits scene. Hopefully it isn’t one of those ones that starts with a slow tracking shot of some unidentifiable location before revealing, after like two whole minutes, a new character who says one word. Please, just let it be a fast one. Oh, wait, I was so distracted by the pee, that I missed the scene. Whoops. It was probably funny.

Still, every Marvel fan knows that the mid-credits scene is just the beginning.

What could be the meaning behind the mystical final post-credits sequence? Will an exciting new character be introduced? Are the stakes for the next entry higher than ever? All we can say for sure is that I’m making horrid noises, and the people around me are concerned. The friends I came with are telling me to just go pee, but no. As I coil into the fetal position, the craft services names scroll, and it’s almost time.

The final post-credits scene begins and I can’t look at it, cause I’m pretty sure if I open my eyes, pee will come out. Still, it sounded thrilling.

As I muster the energy to stand, the lights haven’t come up. Could it be that there’s… a third post-credits scene? This would be unprecedented, utterly thrilling, and would definitely kill me. The Eternals is truly a new kind of Marvel movie – an idea about to be solidified by a surprising, buzzworthy, and- oh, no, the lights just came up.

A huge congratulations to another thrilling entry in the MCU, and a gentle RIP to this Fresca bottle. I… I couldn’t make it down the hallway.

JK Rowling Confirms Harry Potter Loved the New Dave Chappelle Special

Posted on November 5, 2021 by Tyler Simpson

EDINBURGH, Scotland — Author JK Rowling confirmed today that Harry Potter, the titular character in her series of fantasy novels, really enjoyed Dave Chappelle’s latest stand up special The Closer.

“Years after the ending of the final book, Harry started getting into Dave Chappelle and he absolutely loved the new special. He can’t stop raving about it. Harry shows it to everyone in the Ministry of Magic,” Rowling explained in a series of tweets, unprompted. “Whenever anyone comes into his office, he makes them sit down and watch the part where Dave talks about how sad it was that Kevin Hart didn’t get to host the Oscars. That Kevin Hart thing devastated Harry, even more than when Dobby died.”

Rowling went on to elaborate how powerfully The Closer affected Harry Potter’s life.

“The special was actually incredibly popular in the wizarding world in general. It has had a major impact on Harry’s life,” Rowling added. “Harry has even started going to open mics in the muggle world. Dave has shown that the only thing more powerful than actual magic is the magic of telling the truth. In the Harry Potter universe, the new Voldemort is people who get offended by things. This is all canon, by the way.”

“Remember when I said that Hogwarts didn’t always have bathrooms and they just took dumps wherever they were then made it disappear? That’s still true, by the way,” Rowling continued. “Well, even then, men still did it in one place and women in another. It’s just how things are even in my fictional wizard school.”

Fans of the series have responded to the news negatively.

“You don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist,” said a fan on Twitter. “Harry Potter was not written by anyone, Harry Potter suddenly came into existence and no one knows why, no one wrote Harry Potter, you do not exist.”

“Expecto Gofuckyoself,” said another fan.

At press time, Rowling finished her thread by simply tweeting, “Voldemort is good friends with Jeremy Corbin.”

Gal Gadot Demands Evil Queen Be Renamed “Queen Acting in Self Defense”

Posted on November 4, 2021 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Before signing on to play the Evil Queen in Snow White, Gal Gadot insisted that Disney rename the character Queen Who Is Acting in Self Defense, the company has confirmed.

“Per our contract with Gal Gadot, we will be changing the Queen’s name and acknowledging her right to be the fairest of them all,” said Disney in a press release. “Furthermore, if the Queen feels this right is being threatened, we grant her the moral clearance to get as extreme as she wants — murder, witchcraft, the thing with the apple, whatever. We have no further comment.”

In a short video posted to social media, Gadot explained how she felt the character had been misunderstood.

“The Queen Acting in Self Defense only wants one thing: peaceful coexistence with her neighbor in the basement,” said Gadot, referring to Snow White, the orphan child set to be played by Rachel Zegler. “I think both characters should be able to live how they want — the Queen in the palace with her mirror that tells her how fair she is, and the girl down in the scullery, with whatever she does down there.”

Gadot went on to defend the Queen’s alleged mistreatment of Snow White throughout the story, claiming the girl was to blame for starting it.

“If that girl didn’t insist on being so fair, the Queen wouldn’t need to order a man to kill her, find out she escaped, create a poison apple, disguise herself as a hag, hunt the girl down at a forest hideout, trick her into eating the apple, try to crush her dwarf friends with a giant rock, then accidentally fall to her death,” said Gadot at the end of the video. “If you ask me, really, it’s the girl who is the murderer here.”

At press time, Congress was already voting on a resolution in support of the name change and had agreed to send Gadot $4 billion.

High School Anime Club Accidentally Wins Debate State Championship

Posted on November 4, 2021 by Hard Drive Staff

MORENCI, Mich. — The Lincoln High School Anime Get-Together Group have become champions after winning the State Debate Finals without realizing they were supposed to be arguing as part of a competition.

“I still don’t know who put us in there or asked us to come,” said the club’s president, a history teacher named Mr. Promes. “We were told there was an anime convention at the event center but when we arrived we got swept up in the whole competition. We were handed badges, whisked backstage, and told to begin prepping. Sure, we bicker and complain a lot during our meetings, but never did I think it was to an award-winning level.”

The group is known for spirited debates over topics like what quarks they’d get if they were part of the My Hero Academia universe and dubs versus subs. Luckily that experience is what helped them win.

“We were as stunned as everyone when we got the debate topic ‘Isekai is popular at the moment because it’s the best kind of anime,’” Promes said. “Half the audience didn’t even know what Isekai was. Luckily two of our members almost got into a fistfight last week over this same argument.”

After the debate, the Get-Together Group was immediately challenged to another debate by their apparently new rivals, the After-School Manga Club of Douglas Prep.

Headline by Owen Crowlie, article by Jon Ruggiero. Photo via Vincent Diamante.

Hogwarts Student Gets Automatic Straight A’s After Roommate Exploded by Ghost

Posted on November 4, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

HIGHLANDS, Scotland — Second year Hogwarts student Melvin Puddlefoot reportedly received all As on his report card after his roommate Stephan Lee was exploded by a ghost, dying instantly.

“The rule where you get perfect grades if your roommate dies makes Hogwarts the easiest school in existence. People are dying left and right around here, it’s crazy,” Puddlefoot explained. “This is the fourth semester in a row I’ve had perfect scores just because my dorm happens to be near a spot where ghosts like to hang out. And the best part? My first roommate is the one who exploded the most recent one. He’s a ghost now, but he’s still a homie.”

“If I can make it out of here alive in four years, everyone’s gonna think I’m a goddamn genius,” Puddlefoot continued. “I just gotta avoid being exploded by ghosts, being eaten by goblins, being cursed by ghouls, being crushed by falling swords, pissing off my teachers who are connected to Wizard Hitler, having my name written in dark books, and the general depression that comes with being a teenager. If I survive all that, I’m golden.”

Despite Puddlefoot’s enthusiasm, other Hogwarts students dislike the policy.

“At first I thought it was awesome, but now I’m worried that this school hasn’t prepared me in the slightest for the real world,” said Maria Merrypants, another student whose roommate was dramatically killed by a magical occurrence on the school grounds. “I was already expecting to be unprepared considering literally none of my teachers even know how to do basic math, but now me and all my friends are just cruising through the curriculum because our roommates die and we get straight As. I’m not really sure what to do when I graduate!”

“Honestly, I’m kind of thinking I should join Voldemort’s army,” Merrypants added. “A bed and three squal meals a day? I can’t even really object to what they’re up to because no one has taught me what they do!”

At press time, Puddlefoot’s second roommate was told he would be getting straight A’s for two semesters in a row after Puddlefoot was stabbed through the chest by a giant statue of a knight that suddenly came alive.

Seeking Profit, Peacock Begins to Charge Users $4,500 a Month

Posted on November 3, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Shortly after disclosing a disappointing quarterly loss of $520 million, executives at NBC Universal revealed a daring new strategy to try to rescue their fledgling streaming platform: charge users over four thousand dollars a month to access Peacock.

“Yeah, we’re a hair or two under our expectations, there’s no doubt about that,” said Jerry Weisenstein, an executive at NBC Universal. “But we think between the exclusive same day premiere of Halloween Kills and our new plan to juice our existing customers for 45 hundred a month, we’re gonna straighten this thing out. Never underestimate what people will pay to watch the same episodes of The Office over and over, you know.”

Many users of the platform said that they found the new prices to be unreasonable, and will be cancelling their memberships.

“Oh Jesus, I just signed up for a month of Peacock to watch the new Halloween movie” said Louise Rogers, who was afraid of getting dinged for the new monthly price. “I better be sure to cancel before the next month kicks in. That’s their whole business plan, you know? If your thing depends on people forgetting to cancel your service, I’d say your thing sucks, but what do I know? I’m just the moron that doesn’t see the need to pay for six streaming services a month. I couldn’t believe anyone was paying ten bucks for Peacock, I really don’t believe they’ll be spending thousands of dollars a month on it.”

Representatives from other streaming services were noticeably elated at the news of their alleged competitor’s price hike.

“They’re doing what?” said Ted Sarandos, Netflix’s chief executive officer. “Oh wow. We take shit every time we raise our fees by a buck or two, I can’t imagine what this price hike will do to them. Is it true that that’s just for the limited-commercials package? And that the full one is ten grand? Oh my god, how will we ever compete with Peacock? Hahahahahahahaha.”

As of press time, Peacock was reportedly thinking about just charging Elon Musk 520 million dollars for a month of service and hoping he doesn’t notice.

Borderlands 4 Writer Hopes People Lose It Over Mario Casting Reference in 2027

Posted on November 3, 2021 by Michael Pacholik

FRISCO, Texas — Gearbox Software staff writer Adrien Dansforth has high hopes that gamers will absolutely lose it after hearing the sardonic one-liner about Chris Pratt’s casting as Super Mario that he just wrote for the script of Borderlands 4, which will come out in roughly six years.

“Man, people are going to absolutely flip at this brilliant reference,” said Dansforth, hastily sending his joke in an email to the production department so that it can be quickly recorded while the premise is still fresh. “This Mario movie casting news is, like, the perfect material for a joke in the next Borderlands game. Games take what, six, seven, maybe eight years to develop? By that time, the Mario movie will only be a few years old. That just gives this joke time to stew in its own nostalgia, meaning it will land even better.”

“You see, pop culture references are like milk, assuming that milk ages well, which I’m pretty sure of,” said Danforth. “What I mean is the further in time you get from the original reference, the better the joke lands when you hear it. That’s why Nazi jokes are always so good! Speaking of which, I should write more Nazi jokes to put in Borderlands 4.”

At press time, sources say that the recording session of Danforth’s one-liners also included references to Henry Cavil’s moustache in Batman v Superman, the disappointing final season of Game of Thrones, and of course September 11th.

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