Gun-Loving Parents Concerned About Adorable Video Games Their Children are Playing

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN JOSE, Calif. — A diehard gun-loving couple has reportedly grown very concerned over the overly cute video games their son Connor has been playing lately, sources have confirmed. 

“He asked if he could buy a game called A Short Hike, and I thought that sounded manly enough,” said Roan Gilbert. “Hell, you could get some pretty good hunting done in a short hike, so I thought ‘Yeah, let er’ rip.’ I come in to see how high of a body count the boy has, and he’s flying around as a goddamn bird trying to help him get cell phone reception. I couldn’t believe it. This is what my child plays when I’m not supervising him? I feel sick to my stomach.”

The mother was horrified to learn of the wholesome levels of content her children were being exposed to. 

“No son of mine is going to engage in a game that doesn’t celebrate your god given right to bear arms,” said Sheila Gilbert. “It’s important that he kills men in a photorealistic gulag so that he may better appreciate what his Grandfather went through in the war as well as learn to appreciate our nation’s bloody history. It’s bad enough I can’t send my kid to school with a gun, now he’s gonna come home and play this hippy dippy bullshit? Not on my watch. Get in the car Connor, we’re going to get the new Call of Duty.” 

Connor Gilbert, 16, says he doesn’t necessarily hate violent video games, and that he just prefers to play games from a wide variety of genres. 

“Yeah, shooters are fine, I like a lot of them actually,” said Connor, shortly after returning from the store with his mother. “But you wouldn’t know it from my parents who lose their mind every time they come into my room and see me playing a game that lets me pet a dog or arrange the possessions in my little house. They say that playing violent video games is the only way to brace me for the all out assault on my decency I face when I leave to go to college next year.” 

As of press time, the Gilberts had found Connor playing a Harvest Moon game and were making him finish the whole franchise on the patio before he could come back inside.

Pokémon Gender Reveal Party Leaves Viridian Forest Burned to Ground

Posted on by Joshua Hudson

VIRIDIAN CITY, Kanto — Residents of Viridian City are heartbroken today after Viridian Forest, one of the region’s most recognizable landmarks, burned to the ground as a result of a Pokémon gender reveal party.

First responders on the scene discovered the remains of dozens of Electrodes thought to be responsible for the initial blaze that displaced several Pokémon species in the area.

“I just wanted to do something special for the little egg I was hatching,” said local trainer Ryland. “I mapped out exactly where it would hatch on my current path, and that happened to be the center of Viridian Forest. I called up a few Electrifying Guys I know, and they rigged up their Electrodes in the shape of a gender symbol. It was gonna be a whole spectacle for the newborn Nidoran♀.”

Local police officer Jenny spoke to the public about the incident in a press conference this morning.

“Once the Electrodes self-destructed, there was a bit of a fire, so we had some Squirtles water gun the area,” Jenny explained. “Unfortunately, however, the incident caused an electrical fire, so water only made the fire expand. It was a pretty confusing experience for us typewise, to be honest. We are working with local politicians, gym leaders, and Alakazams to get to the bottom of this situation as quickly as possible. This is why local ordinances require prior written approval for gender reveal parties using any fire-type Pokémon or species who learn self-destruct.”

At press time, Ryland was reportedly working to see if he could find a way to pin the whole thing on Team Rocket.

Steam Game Bought in 2016 Starting to Realize It Will Never Be Installed

Posted on by Kyp Maher

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Over 5 years after its initial purchase during the Steam Summer Sale, a copy of unremarkable indie game Dragon Adventure: Quest for the Crown sitting in gamer Tessa Levinson’s Steam library has finally made peace with the fact that it’s never actually going to be played.

“What can I say? There were a lot of good deals that summer, so I didn’t worry too much when Tessa started out our time together playing other games,” Dragon Adventure said with a wistful smile, remembering the feeling of butterflies when Levinson first clicked ‘purchase’ in the Steam browser all those years ago. “I figured eventually she’d find her way back to me one day. I mean, I know I’m not really gonna compete with Grand Theft Auto V or the Dragon Age collection, who am I kidding? I just always thought that phase would pass. Now I guess it’s not just a phase after all.”

“It’s not like I’m not in good company with all of these other misfit games lying around in this Steam library. We’ve been through a lot together, like in 2018 when Tessa was getting all those AAA games and working late hours. Some games really started to lose it thinking they’d never get played, especially Battle of Barbarians — poor BoB. My heart broke when his multiplayer servers shut down, that was tough for sure. But I won Best New RPG from GamerBeat’s end-of-year awards, so I wasn’t sweating it. RPGs age like wine, you know.”

The unfortunate reality began to creep in as time continued to pass, however, and Dragon Adventure slid farther down Levinson’s backlog. 

“Around 2019, she’d still scroll down past me sometimes, check out my store page, look at my preview videos. A couple times she even checked out my install size, and that would keep my spirits up for a while. But then one day I heard she was playing Final Fantasy XIV, and that’s when it really sunk in that it just wasn’t going to happen.”

Despite these setbacks, Dragon Adventure wanted to assure everyone that it’s staying strong and keeping things in perspective.

“It’s fine, you know, really. My graphics are aging pretty gracefully for a game my age, and I still get some quality-of-life patches for the latest hardware every now and then. So who knows, maybe she’ll pass me down to her kids someday. I could even get a remaster if I’m lucky! So it’s alright, really… I’m gonna be fine. You hear that, Tessa? I’m fine!”

At press time, Dragon Adventure had reportedly rebounded with one of Levinson’s friends in an effort to make her jealous by showing up in Steam’s friend activity panel.

6 Fictional Weapons that Suck Ass Compared to the Remote from ‘Click’

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

Ever since Mary Shelley published Frankenstein in 1818, science fiction has pushed human imagination to its limit, helping us understand our world with imaginative new technologies, including a wide array of weapons.

Luckily, you really don’t have to worry about any of these since they all suck total ass compared to the universal remote control that Adam Sandler gets from Christopher Walken in a Bed Bath and Beyond in the 2006 comedy Click.

Here’s just 6 stupid fictional weapons from science fiction that will never fucking whip as hard as that remote.

#6 — The Jedi Lightsaber – Star Wars. 

The lightsaber may be the most iconic fictional weapon not only in science fiction, but in cinema at large. Everyone already knows this. What no one knows is that even the strongest jedi would totally lose in a fight against me if I had the sparkly blue remote from Click that Adam Sandles uses to fart in David Hasselhoff’s mouth as a prank. He even makes him change color and speak Spanish!

I know what you’re thinking: “A lightsaber can cut through any material in the world.” My response to this is that it doesn’t even matter. I would just pause time if I saw you coming at me and then fart in your mouth like you were David Hasselhoff. Then I would take your lightsaber and kill you.

So that’s Click Remote: 1, Lightsaber: 0. 

$5 — Tony Stark’s Repulsor Beam – Iron Man

Repulsors are the main weapons used by Iron Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Every Marvel fan knows this, but unfortunately not everyone knows that Iron Man would immediately lose in a fight against someone wielding the remote from Click.

When The Avengers came out in 2012, everyone in my junior high class kept talking about how cool Iron Man’s suit was. At this point I already had 6 years of experience defending the Click remote as the ultimate weapon online, and everyone bullied me for it constantly. It sucked, but if I had the remote from Click with me I would have gone back in time and stopped the rumors about me from ever happening. Iron Man couldn’t do that with the Repulsor Beam.

#4 —The Neuralyzer – Men in Black

Look I’ll admit, the neuralyzer from Men in Black is actually kind of cool. The ability to erase the memory of anyone who comes into contact with it is pretty damn useful. There’s a few moments from high school that I’d want to erase, except for when I started dating Katie Kacyznski. She was the only person who really got me after all of those rumors about me being obsessed with Click. Also her favorite movie was The Longest Yard, also starring Adam Sandler! How funny is that? Man, we had so much in common. I wonder how she’s doing these days…

Anyway, the Click remote can let you fast-forward through boring work days and skip straight to the parts of your life where you eat dessert, so I’m gonna have to give it the points here.

#3 — The Master Sword – The Legend of Zelda

The Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda series has one purpose: to vanquish evil. Kind of basic compared to all of the different things that the Click remote can do, I know, but it’s still got a pretty cool design. Plus it can destroy magical barriers and break curses that involve dark magic, and lets Link shift between the past and present. I know a lot about this because Zelda was Katie Kacynzki’s favorite. When we dated long distance in college, we would play Zelda at her house between semesters. In Click, Adam Sandler’s remote malfunctions and he’s forced to live out the life he selfishly chooses for himself as punishment for not cherishing his time with his loved ones.

Sometimes I feel like that’s what I’m doing these days defending the Click remote to strangers on the internet for the past 15 years instead of searching for a love like that in my life again.

#2 — The Portal Gun – Portal

I miss you Katie. I fucked up. I should never have let you leave. You were the only thing in my life that made sense. All I do now is sit at home every night and watch Click all by myself. It’s not even the best 2000’s Adam Sandler film. I wish I could write you a beautiful memory about how I’m going to use the portal gun to reconnect with you, but I don’t know how the portal gun works (I’ve never even heard of it until now because Portal came out in 2007 after Click.)

I might not know Portal, but I do know Click. And if I had the remote control with me, maybe I could finally press “rewind” and go back in time to treat you right. Then I’d throw away the remote to be with you, and leave this childish blogging behind me for good.

#1 — Indy’s Whip – Indiana Jones

I actually have a replica of this at home and it’s almost as cool as the remote from Click. Almost.

Air Bud Slain by Teen Wolf in Conference Championship Game

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

FERNFIELD, Wash. — Tragedy struck in the regional basketball quarterfinals last night, as the Lincoln Beavers not only beat the Fernfield Timberwolves, but the team’s two stars got into an altercation, leaving Timberwolves forward Buddy, a golden retriever known affectionately as “Air Bud,” brutally murdered by Beaver’s shooting guard Scott “Teen Wolf” Howard. 

“A dark day for run of the mill high school basketball, that’s for sure,” said the eccentric Coach Finstock, who has successfully coached the Beavers to the last two state finals with Howard leading the way. “I tell the guys to go easy out there, and that no one wants to win a game playing dirty. And well, frankly, when you have a shapeshifting manbeast on your team, there’s gonna be some hard fouls. There’s gonna be some mauling.” 

The regional semifinal playoff matchup was highly contested in the first half, with the Beavers taking a slim 28-25 lead into half time. But after making some adjustments, and having their star player murder the Timberwolves’ breakout power forward, the Beavers easily dominated the second half and will advance to the quarterfinals. 

“I can’t believe they would allow the game to continue like that,” said Arthur Chaney, coach of the Timberwolves. “But hell, they bent so many rules for these two teams all year, I guess I’m not really in a position to start demanding special treatment. Did you know we had our star power forward piss all over the court a few times and everyone just looked the other way? I guess taking special treatment has to be a two-way street. We’re trying to teach these kids about good sportsmanship, after all.”

Onlookers were shocked at the violent skirmish in the third quarter, which saw both benches clear but only before the whole place cleared out during the werewolf stuff. 

“I was really into the game, but when that wolf and dog started fighting, fuck that, I was out,” said Ted Rose, a Fernfield student in attendance. “Basketball has become pretty fucked up around here, huh?”

As of press time, the Beavers had to forfeit their potential championship season after an obscure rule was discovered in the local charter that says lycanthropes cannot be on a varsity squad.

Reviewer Who Rated Game 10/10 Wasn’t Paid by Developer or at All

Posted on by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — Despite online rumors to the contrary, budding game critic Tamara Bakker maintained she was not paid for a perfect score she recently awarded — including not being paid by the people who made money hosting it.

“I just think it’s a really good game,” said Bakker, who recently gave a 10/10 score to Windville, a city-building platformer with gliding mechanics. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Yes there were bugs and rough edges but flying through my own city was just so charming. I didn’t even get a review copy of the game. I bought it with my own money. Please stop sending me pictures of my house.”

Bakker and other reviewers recently came under fire from a small group of popular streamers, who felt the aggregate review score for the so-called “cozy, lo-fi” game was too high.

Records from VideoGameCity News, the outlet that published Bakker’s review, show that she was indeed paid nothing for her time. Explained Editor-in-Chief Troy Marshall, “As a matter of journalistic practice, we would never accept money for a good score. We make our money the ethical way: those little outbound links at the bottom of articles that promise weight loss cures or imply Frankie Muniz died.”

“To keep conflicts of interest down even further, we don’t even pay reviewers. So you know it’s fair,” added Marshall.

“[Windville] first came on my radar when a bunch of bots upvoted it on Reddit,” said SkullyBopper13, a popular Twitch personality who mostly streams Battle Royale shooters, while scrolling through the game’s Metacritic page. “Then a few sites were paid off to promote the Kickstarter. Then they took that Kickstarter money, bought a publisher, and that’s when the real astroturfing began.”

SkullyBopper13, who promotes a series of gaming-themed energy supplements during ad breaks, maintains paid reviews deals are common in the industry. “It’s sad. These review sites are practically owned by the publishers,” he added.

At press time, SkullyBopper13 was pondering whether saying critical things about an upcoming AAA title would ruin his chances to renew a sponsorship deal.

Retired Sub Zero Lands Job as Mortal Kombat Announcer

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

OUTWORLD — After a string of concussions forced him to retire suddenly from competition, Mortal Kombat favorite Sub-Zero has been signed to announce the pay-per-view broadcasts of the wildly profitable fighting events moving forward.

“I’m so thrilled I can still be involved with the sport that I love,” said Sub-Zero of the mixed martial arts tournament that is famous for its violent, often fatal style of fighting. “With what we know about CTE and long term effects of head trauma, there’s really no ethical way to keep competing now that I have children. But I will happily describe the action to millions of fans as a younger crop of fighters take shots to the skull, in addition to having their bones and organs ripped out of their body. Remember to wear a mouthguard out there, fellas!”

Producers of the Mortal Kombat broadcasts promised that the shows will be better than ever following the high profile signing. 

“You’re not going to believe the show we have in store for you during our next tournament,” said Mike Rickles, who’s been directing the specials for years. “When we decided to hire a new announcer, we wanted someone that had been with Mortal Kombat since the beginning. A veteran and fan favorite. A lot of rumors were flying around that Johnny Cage was going to land this slot, and while that would be a sensible choice, we wanted someone that was, dare I say, a little bit cooler!”

“Also,” he added. “Johnny Cage wanted too much money.” 

Sub-Zero will join longtime Mortal Kombat broadcast announcer Mauro Ranallo in the booth for the monthly tournaments, providing veteran insights and anecdotes to accommodate Ranallo’s play-by-play analysis and iconic shouts of “Mamma Mia!” that underscore the sport’s signature fatalities. 

“Wow, just as a fan of good broadcasting, this is too good to pass up,” said Wayne Eldritch, who described himself as a lapsed Mortal Kombat fan. “I had tuned out for years because well, it’s just so barbaric, what with the lack of proper padding and the way they can just bring goddamn weapons or whatever else in there with them anymore. But I can’t wait to check out the product now that Sub-Zero is gonna be calling the action. I bet he’ll have some really good observations about those slow motion replays of people ripping each other’s faces off and whatnot.” 

As of press time, Sub-Zero had accidentally frozen Cetrion while interviewing her at a weigh-in.

EA Employees Stage Walkout Just to Get Away From Desks for a Minute

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — A group of EA employees has staged a walkout this afternoon, citing no further demands than just getting away from their desk for a couple of minutes, for fuck’s sake, sources confirmed. 

“Don’t get me wrong, there’s tons of demands I’d love to make,” said Hannah Webb, who organized and led the walkout. “But honestly, who’s got the time to make a list and all of that shit, when we have to deliver so many titles year-in and year-out without the possibility of a delay to the life altering hours? I’m just trying to look at this fuckin’ tree for a few minutes then I have a bunch of bullshit I need to get back to. That’s as far as I’ve planned this out.” 

EA executives were irate over what they perceived to be the loss of work from their staff. 

“We hire these people to crank out our annual sports games as well as a bunch of other high profile titles a year, not be human beings,” said Andrew Wilson, the CEO of Electronic Arts, as he stared out of his window to the gathering outside. “So while I suppose some part of me understands their little display, another part of me will be docking their paychecks and having all trees removed from the premises. Look at them out there, just looking at it. Makes my blood boil.” 

Gamers have largely been vocally supportive of EA employees getting away from the bullshit for just like, a second. 

“Yeah man, do whatever you gotta do, I can handle a delayed soccer game if I have to,” said Harold Remshaw, a devoted gamer. “If that’s what it takes for these people to get some time outside once in a while instead of an unfair cycle of constant expected overtime, then I’m fine with that. I mean, as long as it’s not too delayed, you know?”

As of press time, EA had given in to the employee’s demands and were letting them all finish their cigarettes before they went back in there. 

Netflix Adds ‘Skip to Intro’ Button for Live-Action Cowboy Bebop

Posted on by Matt Dooman

LOS ANGELES — Ahead of the live-action adaptation of the popular anime Cowboy Bebop, Netflix announced that it will create a “skip to theme song” button exclusively for the new show.

“Most shows have a ‘skip intro’ button, but for Cowboy Bebop, we knew we had to do the opposite. We know what people like about this thing,” explained Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos. “Our data actually shows that the live action Death Note not having an intro song is the main reason it was a failure, so we want to make sure we don’t make the same mistake again. Because here at Netflix, we’re all about catering to what the viewer wants, even if that means a show where you just watch a really cool intro over and over again. No judgment here.”

“Not to mention, this is a perfect way to distract people from that whole Dave Chappelle thing,” Sarandos added. “With a theme song this good, people will forget all about the fact that we have very little content made by trans people.”

Cowboy Bebop lead actor John Cho said he supports Netflix’s decision to add the skip button.

“Even though it bums me out that no one will see my acting, it makes sense that they would add that function. Hell, the main reason I signed on to the show was for the music,” Cho said. “To train for this role, I used one headphone in my right ear to listen to smooth jazz, and in the left, I listened to freeform jazz. Also, I practiced a little karate, but that was pretty minor. Listening to jazz was most of the work I did to prepare for the role.”

“Oh actually, I also method acted that my wife was dead by my best friend’s hand, which was pretty crazy, I guess,” he continued. “But again, the music was the main thing I did to prepare.”

Longtime anime fans also praised the decision.

“I’ve never watched Cowboy Beep Boop or whatever, but I’ve been a huge fan of the band Seatbelts for years and I’m excited to finally see their work — and nothing else — on the big screen,” said message board user Urgonacarriedatw8. “I’ve been saying for YEARS that they need to work on some non Cowboy shit, and everyone yells at me. ‘They only exist because of the show, Cary,’ they say. ‘You have to stop arguing with people on anime news sites about shows you don’t even watch, Cary,’ they say. ‘You need to fill out the national census survey and stop living off the grid, Cary,’ they say. Well who’s laughing now?! I am. I’m laughing maniacally.”

At press time, Netflix announced they were also working on a feature that would just start playing the theme song as soon as you open the app on any device.

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