HIGHLANDS, Scotland — Second year Hogwarts student Melvin Puddlefoot reportedly received all As on his report card after his roommate Stephan Lee was exploded by a ghost, dying instantly.
“The rule where you get perfect grades if your roommate dies makes Hogwarts the easiest school in existence. People are dying left and right around here, it’s crazy,” Puddlefoot explained. “This is the fourth semester in a row I’ve had perfect scores just because my dorm happens to be near a spot where ghosts like to hang out. And the best part? My first roommate is the one who exploded the most recent one. He’s a ghost now, but he’s still a homie.”
“If I can make it out of here alive in four years, everyone’s gonna think I’m a goddamn genius,” Puddlefoot continued. “I just gotta avoid being exploded by ghosts, being eaten by goblins, being cursed by ghouls, being crushed by falling swords, pissing off my teachers who are connected to Wizard Hitler, having my name written in dark books, and the general depression that comes with being a teenager. If I survive all that, I’m golden.”
Despite Puddlefoot’s enthusiasm, other Hogwarts students dislike the policy.
“At first I thought it was awesome, but now I’m worried that this school hasn’t prepared me in the slightest for the real world,” said Maria Merrypants, another student whose roommate was dramatically killed by a magical occurrence on the school grounds. “I was already expecting to be unprepared considering literally none of my teachers even know how to do basic math, but now me and all my friends are just cruising through the curriculum because our roommates die and we get straight As. I’m not really sure what to do when I graduate!”
“Honestly, I’m kind of thinking I should join Voldemort’s army,” Merrypants added. “A bed and three squal meals a day? I can’t even really object to what they’re up to because no one has taught me what they do!”
At press time, Puddlefoot’s second roommate was told he would be getting straight A’s for two semesters in a row after Puddlefoot was stabbed through the chest by a giant statue of a knight that suddenly came alive.
