EDINBURGH, Scotland — Author JK Rowling confirmed today that Harry Potter, the titular character in her series of fantasy novels, really enjoyed Dave Chappelle’s latest stand up special The Closer.
“Years after the ending of the final book, Harry started getting into Dave Chappelle and he absolutely loved the new special. He can’t stop raving about it. Harry shows it to everyone in the Ministry of Magic,” Rowling explained in a series of tweets, unprompted. “Whenever anyone comes into his office, he makes them sit down and watch the part where Dave talks about how sad it was that Kevin Hart didn’t get to host the Oscars. That Kevin Hart thing devastated Harry, even more than when Dobby died.”
Rowling went on to elaborate how powerfully The Closer affected Harry Potter’s life.
“The special was actually incredibly popular in the wizarding world in general. It has had a major impact on Harry’s life,” Rowling added. “Harry has even started going to open mics in the muggle world. Dave has shown that the only thing more powerful than actual magic is the magic of telling the truth. In the Harry Potter universe, the new Voldemort is people who get offended by things. This is all canon, by the way.”
“Remember when I said that Hogwarts didn’t always have bathrooms and they just took dumps wherever they were then made it disappear? That’s still true, by the way,” Rowling continued. “Well, even then, men still did it in one place and women in another. It’s just how things are even in my fictional wizard school.”
Fans of the series have responded to the news negatively.
“You don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist,” said a fan on Twitter. “Harry Potter was not written by anyone, Harry Potter suddenly came into existence and no one knows why, no one wrote Harry Potter, you do not exist.”
“Expecto Gofuckyoself,” said another fan.
At press time, Rowling finished her thread by simply tweeting, “Voldemort is good friends with Jeremy Corbin.”
