Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Considerate RPG Doesn’t Tell You How Long You’ve Been Playing

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

OSLO, Norway — A recently released RPG video game is garnering rave reviews for omitting what most games in the genre include as a standard feature: a running counter of the exact number of hours and minutes you’ve sunk into it.

“What an innovative feature that is exactly the shot in the arm this genre needs,” said George Ripley’s gushing review of the recently released The Eleven Bridges: Book One: The Ides of Clubkoor. “While the battle, story, characters, and graphics are nothing to write home about, what The Elven Bridges does so well is let you stay immersed in the forgettable story as opposed to constantly reflecting on all of the productive things you could have done with upwards of 100 hours of your time.”

Gamers all over are discovering the game and fawning over the lack of a displayed time spent in the campaign.

“The Elven Bridges is game of the year, hands down,” said a popular tweet that was later turned into a full article on a gaming news website. “I can’t really get into the story, and the music is grating, and most of the time I’m really not sure where the hell I’m supposed to go next, but that’s fine. I’ll take my time figuring it out because I don’t have to have a specific digit stamped into my brain distracting me at all times. It feels good, man.”

The game’s developers said that by omitting this feature, they wanted you to lose track of the amount of time you lose track of.

“How much time have we spent collectively staring at our logged hours in a game in horror?” asked Mads Tubbock, lead director of The Elven Bridges. “We wanted to do away with that. Games are an escape from reality, and we feel that escape is dampened a little bit when you are constantly focused on how long you’ve been escaping, you know?”

As of press time, Tubbock revealed that no matter how long it took you to beat The Elven Bridges: Book One: The Ides of Clubkoor, the game will kindly display a finish time of 13 hours and 26 minutes when you beat it.

Opinion: Video Games Are Not Art. They Are Better

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Kyle Erf

Seems like each year the online talking heads and so-called professional critics mark off time in their calendar for a big dumb argument about whether or not video games are art. I’m here to settle the score: video games are too good to be art. Art sucks.

Many anti-games-as-art critics have argued that the growing medium cannot qualify as art because interactivity staunches the communication of meaning. Video games cannot be art, they say, as player choices remove authorial control. These people are correct. Interactivity is badass.

Can you imagine how much better Titanic would be if you got to run around the boat yourself? Or what if you decided how to have sex with the fish guy in The Shape of Water? Video games react and provide feedback on how you are doing. Citizen Kane never once had the decency to tell me I was doing a good job.

Video games are indeed better than art in just about every way. For one, gaming is better suited to being in a museum than even the most skillful paintings. In fact I am always playing video games in art museums because that shit is BORING and the Nintendo Switch FITS in my BACKPACK.

It’s also worth calling out that the prestigious echelons of the “Art World” are just a front for wealthy elites using art to launder money. The gun skins in CS:GO are also used to launder money but you can shoot people with those mofos. Another point for gaming.

Finally, electronic gaming has clearly surpassed film, music, prose, and poetry as an expression of human emotion. Think about it: No film has ever made as many people as angry as From Software has.

I rest my case. Nobody has stopped to make this argument before because those who believe it are too busy doing better stuff. For instance, did you know that Apex Legends is free? Like you can just be playing that shit right now instead of reading this. Dumbass.

Coen Brothers Admit They’re Only Directing Garfield Movie Because They Thought Bill Murray Was In It

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Joel and Ethan Coen, attached to direct the new animated Garfield movie, admitted today that they only signed on for the movie having thought that the star would be Bill Murray rather than Chris Pratt.

“Oh man, this is so stupid. I really thought this was the Bill Murray one. I love that guy,” said Joel Coen at a press conference for the film. “Ethan was taking an indefinite hiatus from film to focus on plays and he even came back just to direct this movie with me because we thought it would be such a cool thing. We just love Bill and want to work with him on something where he’s front and center so we jumped on this without really looking into the details of it. And Chris Pratt seems cool, I guess, but he’s just not really our guy. Maybe we can get Francis to play Nermal or something. Do people even really know he’s a boy?”

According to those close to the situation, Bill Murray said he would love to work with the Coens, but unfortunately now they’re busy working on this Garfield movie.

“I totally get where they’re coming from,” Murray said. “It happens to the best of us.”

Chris Pratt to Voice That He Still Knows About Compromising Information to Powerful Hollywood Executive Who Keeps Casting Him in Things

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Hollywood superstar Chris Pratt has been cast as the voice of concerns about certain compromising information he has about an extremely powerful Hollywood executive, who just happens to be the one who keeps making him the star of movies, and who wishes to remain anonymous.

“When I think of an all-American voice who can lead a Hollywood film, I think of Chris Pratt. Also when I think of an all-American voice who may or may not know about some particularly career-ruining information about certain sexually deviant experiences I have had, I also think of Chris Pratt. Because he’s the one who keeps reminding me that he knows about them and could accidentally leak them to the press if he’s not really busy recording his lines for Garfield,” said the anonymous executive. “Haha, he’s so funny and cool! What a lovable guy who we all relate to and who we all want to be the stars of our movies, speaking words through the mouths of our favorite cartoon characters.”

At press time, Sony announced that Chris Pratt would be replacing Ben Schwartz as Sonic in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 as well as Idris Elba as Knuckles in Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

Nintendo Confirms That, Were He Given a Gun, Mario Would Lack the Desire to Kill

Posted on November 1, 2021 by Kevin Podas

KYOTO, Japan — In case anyone might have thought otherwise, several higher-ups at Nintendo have clarified that, were he in possession of a firearm, Mario would still lack the desire to kill.

“I know what you may be thinking,” Shigeru Miyamoto explained in a press conference. “Haven’t we seen Mario with a gun before? We’ve seen him wield a Super Scope in Yoshi’s Safari, dual wield blasters in Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle, and pick up whatever ammunition he could get his hands on in the Super Smash Bros. series. But rest assured: any firearm normally wielded with the intent to kill would not be done so in the hands of Mario. That is a fact.”

When pressed to elaborate on the surprise announcement, Miyamoto produced a handgun.

“Go ahead, try it,” Miyamoto continued. “Put a pistol in Mario’s hands and see what happens. The two of you alone in a room, Mario with a gun pressed against your temple—you’re still walking out of that room alive, I promise you.”

Concerned that something may have been lost in translation, Doug Bowser, the president of Nintendo of America, who was also in attendance, further echoed the sentiment.

“What Mr. Miyamoto says is 100 percent true. Should Mario ever have the barrel of a gun in your mouth, resting on your tongue as your teeth chatter against its cold, metal exterior in fear, worry not: we have made sure that whatever genetic disposition that causes one human to snuff out the life of another would not be present within Mario, or his brother Luigi, for that matter.”

Bowser then turned solemn and, after an awkward silence, prompted Miyamoto to continue with the next announcement.

“We… unfortunately cannot say the same for Wario,” Miyamoto said, eyes facing the floor. “We’ve tried everything in our power to make sure we could say the same for all of the characters we create here at Nintendo, but something went horribly wrong during the development of Wario. I fear him, and I worry that should that fear ever subside, that would be the moment Wario would appear and take my life.”

One reporter asked if they were aware that these characters are all, in fact, fictional. The team at Nintendo all shot each other a knowing glance and the meeting was abruptly adjourned.

Sakurai Reveals Next Project: Hand-Written Thank You Letters to Everyone That’s Tweeted Nice Things at Him the Last Few Years

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — Game designer Masahiro Sakurai has revealed what his next project will be following his work on the Super Smash Bros. series: hand writing ‘thank you’ letters to every single person that has tweeted nice things to him over the last few years.

“I truly couldn’t be happier to have made this journey with all of you,” said Sakurai in a video where he showcased his skills writing two ‘thank you’ notes at the same time, one with each hand. “Now that we have released every last piece of content we’ve planned for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, I can move onto perhaps the most important part: tracking down the addresses and real names of every person that’s supported me publicly over the years and sending them a really nice homemade card. I’m hoping that, by 2029, I can take a short nap.”

Sakurai’s continued commitment to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate since its release in 2018 has continued to overwhelmingly please and impress gamers.

“Best there is, hands down. He truly is a massive hero soccer guy,” said Bo Crouch, a gamer who’d surprisingly received an unmarked letter from Sakurai in his mailbox. “Honestly, I’m a casual player at best, but I still appreciate what he pulled off with that game. I tweeted that it’s ‘not my thing but sure seems like a fun love letter to video game history,’ or some shit a few years ago, and now today I got this giant construction paper heart with the words “thank u,” spelled out in glitter. It had the Smash seal on the envelope and everything! This thing smells really nice too, like strawberries. How’d he do that?”

“And it’s cool I even got a letter in the first place,” Crouch added, “considering two months later I sent him a photo of his house on Google Earth with the caption ‘add waluigi bitch.’”

Other developers said, as usual, they can’t compete with the goodwill Sakurai creates with his fans.

“Man, how do you even keep up with that?” said Marc Farley, an executive with Activision. “Hand-written letters? Where does he find the time? I guess we better get our asses in gear and try to get Christmas cards out to everyone that plays Call of Duty if we want to keep up with Nintendo. Ugh, it’s gonna be a long winter, boys.”

As of press time, Sakurai wrote me a letter saying he hopes this piece comes out okay, and that he knew I would do great.

Cargo Shorts Give Weirdo +10 Cold Resistance

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Neel Bhakta

DENVER 一 Local college sophomore and notable weirdo Kyler Stevenson claims an enchanted pair of cargo shorts grant him +10 cold resistance, allowing him to withstand the recent drop in temperatures, skeptical bystanders reported.

“Oh, these bad boys? Yeah, I got these last week after my old pair got a real stubborn stain from some ramen,” said the incredibly strange Stevenson. “These new shorts give +10 cold resist and an extra inventory slot, but unfortunately the ‘Fuckin Dweeb’ enchant lowers my base charisma stat by 25. I still think they’re pretty nifty though.”

Employees at the local Old Navy expressed feelings of dissatisfaction while Stevenson shopped around the store.

“I was fumbling around with the keys to open the store this morning when all of a sudden I felt a ghostly chill and the stench of peanut butter creep up behind me. I almost punched him in the face, but he surprisingly dodged at the last second,” said a shivering Andrea Banderas. “This dork spent four hours switching between two nearly identical pairs of cargo shorts and muttering about some min-maxing bullshit. I mean, does it really matter if you min Strength and max Dexterity if you’re still a fucking loser?”

Students at The University of Denver expressed concern over Stevenson’s choice of wardrobe as temperatures continued to lower.

“Yeah, I’ve known Kyler since he told me I was sitting in his chair at the start of the semester. At first I thought, ‘Really, cargo shorts in 2021?’, but I let it slide because it was hot outside. I became suspicious of his intentions when October rolled around,” said a worried Leslie Pham. “I asked why he didn’t switch to something warmer, and he said he could go bare-ass naked in the winter because the Amulet of Boreas would prevent all incoming cold damage. Weird dude.”

At press time, Stevenson was found questioning a tenured professor about the boons of equipping Birkenstocks with socks.

Guy at Bar Just Itching to Tell Someone About Moon Knight’s Whole Deal

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Seth Finkelstein

BURBANK, Calif. — Patrons of The Roundabout Bar and Grill were on high alert today, as local man Max Buckler appeared ready to blather on about the Marvel Comics character Moon Knight at a moment’s notice.

“Moon Knight is one of my favorite mid-tier Marvel heroes. I bet I could get anyone in this bar interested in the character,” said Buckler, woefully underestimating how much people want to talk to him. “I’ve got my ears peeled for anything that could be MK related. Ancient Egypt, Oscar Isaac — I’ll even take someone talking about the tides.”

The rest of the crowd at the bar took precautionary measures, worried at any moment they could be sucked into a conversation about Marvel’s street-level vigilante that would never end.

“I can tell from a mile away, this guy is just like my last boyfriend,” said bartender Erin Morales. “You give them an inch into this nerd business, they’ll take a mile. I know so much about Blue Beetle now. Do you know who cares about Blue Beetle? Nobody, that’s who.”

Buckler remained unperturbed, keeping his head on a swivel to spot any conversation tangentially related to the Egyptian-themed superhero.

“With this new Disney+ show coming out, people are gonna want to be on the ground floor with Moon Knight. I’m really doing people a service. They’re going to be the coolest people at their work when they can say, ‘Oh, you mean mercenary Marc Spector or billionaire Steven Grant or cabbie John Lockley?’ after someone brings up the Fist of Knonshu. That’s actually another name for Moon Knight. You see, Knonshu is the Egyptian God of the Moon who brought Marc Spector back to life after—”

There was no further comment from Buckler, as the reporter had somewhere else to be all of a sudden.

Stock Photo Actor Has No Idea He’s First Google Result for “Pedophile”

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MESA, Ariz. — Former stock photo actor Colin Hibbert, 34, reportedly has no idea that he is the first Google result for the word “pedophile” as a result of his face being attached to several popular articles about the subject, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Oh yeah, that’s right I did model for some stock photos back in grad school to pay the bills. Huh! What a weird time. I wonder if anyone actually used one!” said Hibbert, completely unaware that due to the success of an article titled Why You Should Be More Afraid Of Pedophiles In Your Area that used his picture, dozens of other similar articles have followed suit and used his photo as well. “That would be so weird if I stumbled on a picture of myself in like, I don’t know, a work presentation about sales or something. That would be the worst!”

According to those close to Hibbert, all of whom have discovered the photo, many are afraid to tell him about the association the internet has made with his image.

“Yeah, I hate to admit it, but I don’t even really want to be friends with him anymore. I keep thinking he’s a pedophile,” said Hibbert’s longtime friend Mandy Knox. “He could be talking about some random innocent thing and it sounds so creepy coming from him now. Just the other day he said he ‘loves handing out candy to kids for Halloween.’ And a few years ago, I would have thought that was really sweet. But now I’m like, why?! What do you want to do with those kids, you sicko?! Hell, I can’t even play Smash Bros with him anymore without being totally grossed out.”

“He is genuinely the sweetest guy I have ever met in life,” Knox added. “It’s such a shame that he’s a pedophile. Well, not literally a pedophile, but actually kind of yeah.”

Currently, the one stock photo of Hibbert available online is described as “creepy sex offender pedophile man staring creepily at presumably children.” Despite the fact that the photo is just of

“I keep subtly trying to get him to shave his mustache. I really think that would go a long way,” said Hibbert’s mother Catherine Bullock. “I’m terrified of when his eyesight starts to go and he has to buy glasses, because I know that’s only going to make it worse. Why did he have to be a stock photo actor? I told him it was a terrible decision and he didn’t listen! Now his life is ruined and he doesn’t even know it.”

At press time, fact checkers for this article were visited by the FBI due to the amount of times they had Googled variations of “pedophile” to make sure that Hibbert was still the top result.

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