One Man Game Studio Releases Scathing Indictment of How He Treats Himself

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — An independent game developer who has spent the last several years working alone on his passion project has released a scorching new exposé about the dire conditions he’s faced working directly under himself. 

“No way around it, I’m a terrible fucking boss,” began the letter posted on the social media channels of Fourth Floor Interactive, the one man studio founded by Ian Wilson two years ago. “I ran my big fucking mouth and promised I’d get this game done soon, and so now I’ve been pulling all nighters for months to hit my deadline. I tried going easy on myself and it just didn’t work, I don’t know how to make video games without really cracking the whip, turns out. Not sure what this means for Mondo Fishing Academy going forward. Gonna try to be less of a dick to myself and go eat lunch in the dining room once in a while.”

Friends of his outside the video game industry said they’ve never seen anything quite like this behavior. 

“Yeah so I don’t understand, can’t he just work on it here and there?” asked Corey Balt, a longtime friend of Wilson’s. “He has to spend holidays and weekends coding or else his fishing video game isn’t going to be good? And this is why he doesn’t ever come fishing with us anymore? I have so many questions about my friend. Is he at least going to take it easy now that he told on himself? Or is he in trouble now?” 

Although the project has seen some leniency lately, many close to Wilson describe the progress as long overdue. 

“Yeah, he was doing crunch from like, day one,” said Ty Cooper, Wilson’s roommate. “He went to the bookstore, got some coding books, and didn’t sleep for damn near a week. It’s amazing how far he’s come in so long, but also, I think his life got a lot harder the instant he started making video games. That being said, Mondo Fishing Academy looks fucking amazing and I can’t wait to play it.”

As of press time, Fourth Floor Interactive’s debut had been delayed indefinitely, citing inner turmoil within the company.

Rockstar Vows to Only Release Grand Theft Auto V From Now On

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Following the controversial and critical release of Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy, Rockstar Games has pledged to only release new versions of their 2013 smash hit Grand Theft Auto V moving forward as a publisher. 

“The people have spoken, and we’ve heard them,” said Sam Houser, president of Rockstar Games. “They’re not interested in these new versions of San Andreas and Vice City. They couldn’t care less, in fact. It just proves what we’ve known for years; players aren’t interested in the classics they played growing up, or even single player DLC that can extend the narrative campaign. They would just rather be playing GTA 5. We tried shaking up our formula and paying attention to something else, and everyone got really mad at us. We hear you loud and clear: just Five stuff from here on out. We’ve even put Six on the backburner for now.” 

Gamers all over felt that Rockstar was misinterpreting the recent trilogy’s reception and manipulating the narrative to serve their desires. 

“Wait, that’s their takeaway from all this?” said Mel Ankov, a longtime fan of the Grand Theft Auto series. “We lobby for this stuff, get excited when it’s announced, buy it the day it comes out, and then when our valid criticisms are aired we’re just told more news about Grand Theft Auto V? I’ve had two marriages since that game was released. Do something else, anything else! Maybe something to do with Bully, Max Payne, L.A. Noire, Manhunt, or Midnight Club, I don’t know. Not more fucking GTA 5! It’s one of the best games I’ve ever played, and also I hate it now.” 

Many in the media allege that this reaction is par for the course for Rockstar. 

“They have a magnificent ability to just make up some bullshit and then start believing it themselves,” said A.C. Clarkson, a freelance games journalist. “So my fear is that them revisiting their catalog and it going horribly, horribly wrong will be enough fuel for them to focus solely on that goddamned game for another decade. To their credit however, it was extremely generous of them to offer full refunds to any dissatisfied customers in the form of a free copy of Grand Theft Auto V on whatever platform they choose.”

As of press time, when asked if they’d corrected their controversial crunch culture that was highly publicized during the release of Red Dead Redemption 2, Rockstar announced that Grand Theft Auto V would be coming to the Nintendo Switch next year.

343 Announces Halo Infinite’s Tagline Will Be “Finish the Development”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDMOND, Wash. — Surprise-releasing the beta for Halo Infinite multiplayer today, which appears to be the color blue in a resizable window, 343 also announced that the game’s tagline will be “Finish the Development.”

“Today’s the 20 year anniversary of Halo and we really want the game to remind players of Halo 3. That’s why we’re referencing the iconic ‘Finish the Fight’ tagline here with an updated phrase for Halo Infinite,” explained director Joseph Staten. “Because that’s what Master Chief’s ultimate goal is this time around: making it onto people’s Xboxes and PCs in a non-beta release. Remember ‘I Love Bees?’ The real world ARG — alternate reality game — that Bungie created to help hype up Halo 2? Well we’re doing an ARG for Halo Infinite as well, but for the developers this time around. And GameStubWindows is just the first clue in this exciting new adventure.”

At press time, 343 apologized, explaining that the light blue window that opens when you click “play” on Halo Infinite was actually supposed to be Master Chief Green.

Breadtuber Eaten by Birdtuber

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Local leftwing YouTuber Theodore Suarez, better known by his screen name The Explainanator, was tragically eaten by a wild bird enthusiast vlogger today while filming a video defending the socialist ideals present in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

“When you look at someone like Iron Man — the arc that Tony Stark went through over the course of the Avengers films — you can see the sort of Marxist progression of the… I’m sorry, what was that loud noise. Lemme just OH GOD AW FUCK FUCK OH MY GOD SHE’S EATING ME!” Suarez shouted in the footage he took just before getting eaten alive by bird YouTuber Selina O’Connor, also known as Fowlmouth93. 

According to those familiar with the situation, the event was horrifying, but not surprising.

“A lot of people who don’t follow the leftwing YouTube scene don’t understand where the word ‘breadtube’ came from. Well it comes from the fact that breadtubers are made out of literal bread. They’re all wheat,” said sociologist Dr. Ewen Mathews. “Breadtubers have distanced themselves from the label, claiming that they don’t associate with it, because they don’t want people to know they can get soggy or moldy because they are made out of bread. They want people, instead, to subscribe to their channels where they release videos of themselves talking to camera for several hours in front of green screens, but it’s not a podcast for some reason.”

Dr. Mathews further commented on the situation with birdtubers.

“Now this begs the question: are YouTubers in the birding community actually birds? No. They love birds,” Dr. Mathews explained. “That’s why they’re always eating bread, because they want to live the life of a bird. I’m sorry, is this confusing? People always tell me that the YouTube ecosystem is confusing, but I’ve never personally had trouble with it. Now, the YouTube algorithm, on the other hand…”

At press time, another breadtuber was eaten alive while filming a 3-hour explanation of their position on the Explainanator/Fowlmouth situation.

Celebrity Power Couple: Pete Davidson Was Just Spotted Holding Hands With the T-Shaped Tetromino From Tetris

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Uh oh! Famously large-dicked bachelor Pete Davidson is tied up with another well known hottie according to some steamy photos of him and the T-Shaped Tetromino from the iconic video game Tetris leaving a popular nightclub in New York City after an SNL afterparty.

According to those close to the situation, the T-Shaped Tetromino became friends with musician Taylor Swift after Swift provided unused vocals for the Tetris Effect soundtrack in 2018 and came to SNL on Saturday night to support Swift as the musical guest. There, she and Pete met for the first time and didn’t separate all the way into the after party!

“I’ve always been a huge fan of Tetris, that game fuckin rules, man. And I’d love to meet the T-Shaped Tetromino, she’s fucking… I shouldn’t even say this, but she’s so hot in those games, bro,” Davidson said on a podcast in early 2020. “I used to play Tetris all the time when I was a kid. The imagery of falling towers is so hard for me, that it gives me a sense of control to be able to build them back up. I got, like, depression and shit.”

The budding relationship between the two stars has lit up social media, as well.

“I will never forgive Pete Davidson for what he did to Ariana,” said a commenter on Instagram.

“Pete seems like the kinda guy who is into being pegged. I bet he lets her T-Spin into his asshole,” said another on Twitter.

“PETE DAVIDSON IS 27 YEARS OLD. T-SHAPED TETROMINO IS 37 YEARS OLD. THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS A PROBLEMATIC AGE GAP AND MUST BE ENDED AT ALL COSTS,” said one Tiktoker in a video where she points to the different words as they appear on screen.

Well we’re excited to see how this relationship develops! Will Pete mention his new hottie on a Weekend Update segment? Is there another engagement in the works for these two? Does Pe—oh! Nevermind, we are just now getting word that Pete Davidson and the T-Shaped Tetromino from Tetris have BROKEN UP following a particularly steamy photo of Pete holding hands with, yes that’s right, AMY ROSE FROM SONIC ADVENTURE BATTLE 2!

New Adult LEGO Set Lets You Build Your Tiny Pathetic Apartment

Posted on by Jake Menez

ENFIELD, Conn. — The LEGO Company released a new set today that will allow you to bring that underwhelming little place you call home to life, excited sources confirm.

“We know that it isn’t just kids building LEGO sets anymore, so we wanted to cater to our adult audience as well,” LEGO CEO Neils B. Christiansen said during the reveal. “The Hogwarts set is fun for kids, sure, but we wanted to do something more relatable for grown ups — you’re not a Gryffindor, you’re a busboy, ya know? That’s why we at LEGO are excited to announce our new ‘Adulting’ set.”

The 650-piece set is one of the simplest sets LEGO has ever released. The small number of pieces is reportedly due to your tiny apartment barely being furnished and the closest thing you have to wall art is an old Pulp Fiction poster. 

“I just love the attention to detail,” said LEGO enthusiast Reggie Gad. “You can actually build the pizza box that’s by the futon bed right now from the Domino’s I ordered last night and didn’t put in the fridge. It even still has half a pizza in it! The empty cans of Pabst on the desk are a nice touch too.”

Other LEGO fans were reportedly unimpressed by the recreation of the lackluster apartment you can barely afford rent on, much like the date you brought home a few weeks ago.

“I just feel like it could be tidier,” your mother complained of the set. “Look at this! Doesn’t he ever do laundry? All those socks on the floor by the laundry hamper — it takes two seconds to pick them up. I can’t be the only one who sees them. I’m sure I don’t even want to know what the inside of that bathroom looks like. When I go to his apartment, I’m always stepping on his socks. Now I’m going to be stepping on LEGO versions of his socks. I hate it!”

At press time, LEGO announced an upcoming companion set based on the house your ex-girlfriend lives in with her husband and new baby.

Man Nostalgic for Time When He Was Nostalgic for Star Wars

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

PORTLAND, Maine — Local science fiction fan Josh Shegda has been finding himself feeling nostalgic for the time when he felt nostalgic for the Star Wars franchise, close sources report.

“I used to constantly reminisce about how good Star Wars was,” Shegda recalled. “I’d sit there watching the prequels and think about how good the original trilogy was, how I wish Lucasfilms would make a spinoff movie about Han Solo or maybe a TV show about Boba Fett. Those thoughts would wrap around me like a warm tauntaun. Now I have all the Star Wars I could ever want, about the things I’ve always loved… and I feel nothing. ”

According to those familiar with the situation, Shegda has had trouble finding nostalgia for any franchises at all.

“Ghostbusters? New movie starring Paul Rudd. Dune? New cool reboot. The Matrix? Part four! Sex and the City? New series on HBO Max! I hate this!” Shegda remarked. “I just want to sit around and think about how much I loved these series as a kid, not have to deal with the fact that they’re somehow still ongoing as an adult! Do you know how much harder it is to love something when it exists?!”

“I can’t even be nostalgic for my childhood!” he added. “My life is so much better now than it was then. I have an amazing relationship with my parents, I’m married to my high school crush who somehow gets more beautiful with each passing day, and I’m in the best shape of my life. This shit fucking blows! I’m trapped in a state of contentment. It’s horrifying!”

At press time, Shegda claimed that he was almost nostalgic for the Obama presidency before realizing that he was basically living through a reboot of that period as well.

NBA Preemptively Adds Rule That Says Furries Can’t Play Basketball

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — To get ahead of any confusion stemming from the Air Bud franchise, the NBA has issued a new regulation saying furries can’t play in the league.

“Nothing against furries, necessarily — we just don’t want anybody getting the wrong idea. This is a league for humans, like LeBron James, and canines, like Air Bud,” said commissioner Adam Silver, after a meeting of the NBA competition committee. “It’s the thing with the costumes that we’re trying to head off here. None of that, please. Because, to be clear, there’s still nothing in the rules that says a dog can’t play basketball. That won’t be changing anytime soon.”

When asked about who qualifies as a “furry” under the rule, Silver was hesitant to give specifics.

“We’re still working out exactly how to phrase it in the rulebook, but basically, we know it when we see it,” said Silver, who reportedly studied thousands of fan drawings and photos from furry conventions. “Are we going to check a player’s search history for anything suspicious? No. Are we going to check their Twitter avatar? Absolutely, yes.”

Members of the furry fandom accused the league of discrimination, given that the rules remain ambiguous about other groups, including actual dogs, as well as birds, fish, ghosts, inanimate objects, disembodied limbs, and gamers.

“On behalf of my fursona, Sir Bigsby McHaddenTail, I just want to say this rule is total bullshit,” said Patricia Forsyth, 47, a local paralegal and Reddit mod. “Sir Bigsby has never heard of basketball, of course, as all the sports in his kingdom involve group sex. But he’d like to know that the option is open to him in the future.”

At press time, the rule had been put on temporary hold after James Harden was revealed to have a “highly suspect” DeviantArt account.

Santa Claus Totally Fucked Over By Bitcoin Miners Buying Every Graphics Card

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NORTH POLE — Saint Nick is reportedly in a very tight spot as bitcoin miners continue to snatch up all of the graphics cards featured prominently on many gamers’ Christmas lists, sources within the elf community have confirmed. 

“Oh yeah, I’m fucked right up my ass,” said Santa Claus, the iconic figure who delivers presents to good boys and girls every Christmas Eve. “These shitfucks are snatching up all the RTXs to mine their bullshit or whatever they do, and it’s really been a slap in the dick. I hope these gamer kids like rocking horses and music boxes, because I don’t think I can get my hands on these cards for them. Not this year. Fucking crypto bullshit.” 

As the Christmas season approaches, employees of Claus’ famous workshop have reported that conditions have never been this stressful. 

“We crunch like fuck every year, there’s no way around that,” said Milbin Borgins, a third generation Jack-in-the-Box sander. “But this year it’s super duper extra intense! Santa keeps showing up drunk asking if any of us have figured out how to make PlayStation 5’s yet, and we keep insisting it’s just way over our heads. He should set up a supply deal with Best Buy or something, because spending the year on eBay buying electronics for the good kids just isn’t cutting it anymore. Poor guy. I’ve never seen him cry this much.”

Claus’ wife insisted that these problems were solvable and that the Christmas spirit would endure. 

“Oh don’t listen to him, he gets like this every year around this time,” said Mrs. Claus, who refused to give her first name. “There’s always something that makes it stressful. Star Wars action figures, Tickle Me Elmo, Nintendo Wii, I’ve seen them all. It wouldn’t be Christmas if Santa wasn’t openly discussing driving the sleigh into the goddamn ocean every couple of days. ‘Tis the season!”

As of press time, Santa had learned that the Steam Deck had been delayed until February and had gone for a walk. 

Trans CSI Character Breaks Barriers by Being Both a Serial Killer and a Dead Sex Worker

Posted on by Naomi Krause

LAS VEGAS — In a groundbreaking achievement for social progress, the transgender character on an upcoming episode of CSI: Vegas is set to simultaneously be a dead prostitute and a serial killer.

“I’m just glad we could finally put this on air,” said head writer Jason Tracey. “Back in the ‘90s, no way could you write something so brave and expect it to go on TV. Trans people were lucky if Wayne Brady mocked their existence on Who’s Line Is It Anyway? Thankfully, he did it about fifty times and paved the way for progress.” 

This announcement is hot off the heels of the last time any trans person was depicted on TV, back in an episode of The Good Doctor in 2019. 

“We saw that and were going to add in another layer where doctors discover that the sex worker/murderer’s hormones are killing them, which is definitely a real medical thing that happens all of the time, but we’re not sure if the world is ready for that much progress quite yet,” explained co-writer Chuck Lorre. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know. We settled on the dead hooker who faked his/her death to get away with murdering people inside women’s restrooms, which is also a very real thing that’s happening constantly according to TV.” 

According to those familiar with the situation, the writing staff of CSI: Vegas have sought out better health insurance for their hands because of all the high-fiving they’ve been doing lately. 

“Our team was inspired by the cinematic greats,” continued Lorre. “Ace Ventura, Silence of the Lambs, The 40 Year Old Virgin. Our goal was to take those portrayals and translate them to the smaller screen, and we found ourselves so enamored with the community that we decided to push the envelope. You know how Star Trek had the first interacial kiss on tv? We have the first transgender character who can do two things. Suck it patriarchy or whoever it is that’s keeping trans people down.” 

When asked for a comment, one local trans man said, “Well I don’t thin—” which is the bravest thing we’ve ever heard, slay king.

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