32-Year-Old Man Thinks Quality of Nick Jr Shows Has Dropped Off

Posted on by Jakob Biddle

ATLANTA — Local adult man Patrick Perez has taken to Youtube to vent his frustrations about the current state of children’s TV network Nick Jr, sources report. 

“Nick Jr used to be my favorite channel on TV, but as I’ve gotten older, I just can’t enjoy anything from them anymore. I think it’s because the whole network has completely gone to shit,” said Perez in a nine-hour video essay titled The Fall of Nick Jr. “These new shows aren’t nearly as good, and just look at how they’ve butchered all of the old shows, too — the so-called ‘puzzles’ on Blue’s Clues aren’t even challenging anymore. It’s like they’re not even trying.”

While many agreed with Perez’s complaints in the video, others felt that he completely misunderstood the children’s network.

“What Patrick doesn’t seem to get about Nick Jr. is that the writing and directing on Paw Patrol season 8 and Peppa Pig season 7 have completely re-defined what it means to be a kid’s show, and quite frankly, what it means to be human,” said self-proclaimed “animation historian” Jordan Ellis in a 16,000-word essay titled The Fall of Nick Jr: A Response. “I mean, sure, I agree that the final season of The Backyardigans may have been a massive disappointment, but that’s only because the creators had to finish quickly so that they could go work on Disney Junior’s upcoming Baby Yoda show.”

The children’s network released a statement weighing in on the discourse.

“We at Nick Jr understand that our programming might not be for everybody,” said Ellen Barron, Nick Jr. spokesperson, “but we are always trying to push the envelope with our shows, and we are incredibly proud of our current lineup. This is why we hope the Emmys will consider Baby Shark’s Big Show! for Outstanding Drama Series, Outstanding Writing in a Drama Series, and Outstanding Cinematography for a Single-Camera Series.”

At press time, the network has announced their new streaming service ‘Nick Jr +’, which will feature a gritty live-action reboot of Oswald.

Adventuring Grinds to Halt as ‘Guys Who Paint the Climbable Ledges Yellow’ Strike Enters Third Week

Posted on by Kyle Erf

CHICAGO — Adventuring all over the kingdom has come to a standstill as the guys who paint the climbable ledges yellow have continued their strike that has lasted three weeks. 

“We’ve made our demands,” said Arnold Hester, one of many protesting ledgepainters gathered outside of A-1 Exploration & Labeling headquarters earlier this morning. “And we’re not returning to work until our demands are met! We want a union, we want a cap on our hours, and we want some kind of better system to determine what people can jump and grab onto then sending our guys up there to try it blindly. We can’t keep losing men like this!” 

Adventurers everywhere hoped that the matter would be settled quickly.

“Look, I’m sympathetic to the plight of the worker, no doubt about it. Heck, that’s why I got into rare jewel thievery — I didn’t want to have to have a schedule,” said a rare jewel thief who asked to remain anonymous. “But I’m afraid if these guys aren’t doing their jobs, I’m not doing mine. A lot of people out here rely on the ledges that are within our reach to be inexplicably painted yellow. It’s literally the difference between navigating this entire world around us or not. Really hoping they can get something worked out soon.”

The largest employer of ledge painters in the Midwest expressed interest in ending the strike, but frustration with the proposed terms thus far. 

“Obviously we need to get everyone back to work as soon as possible,” said Landry Anders, CEO of A-1 Exploration & Labeling. “But some of these demands are ridiculous. A turkey for every employee every day? I won’t do it. If these jokers aren’t ready to come back with some serious requests, I’ll just spend money on more tutorial bots that explain things you need to know as you walk by them. That’s really all you need.” 

As of press time, several adventurers’ bodies littered this one particular jump near the base of a mountain that it totally looked like you could make.

Redditor Invested in Depp/Heard Case Like They’re His Parents

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

AKRON, Ohio — Local redditor Wilson Pratt is reportedly following along with the legal dispute between actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard as if they were his real life parents, according to those close to the information.

“I just can’t believe what she did to him, that monster. After all we’ve been through, the three of us. It sickens me to my stomach! How are we going to get through this? Who am I going to live with?!” Pratt wrote on a subreddit dedicated to following the trial between the two actors who do not know he exists. “At the end of the day, every dispute between two people has a villain and a hero and it’s our job, as Redditors, to figure out who is who. I don’t want to hear about nuance or gray areas or information I don’t know about. These are people I’ve known intimately my entire life. This has devastated me.”

According to those close to Pratt, following the case has consumed his life.

“Wilson didn’t cry this much when his actual real life parents got divorced. I honestly have no idea why he’s so invested in this; I asked if he liked the Pirate movies and he said he never even watched them,” said Pratt’s girlfriend Gracey Landry. “I have no idea if Johnny Depp or Amber Heard is the more shitty person in this case and I don’t care. It’s none of my business! He’s more invested in this than he was in meme stocks, and somehow this is gonna end up costing us more money. Honestly, I should break up with him, but I really like living in a one-bedroom apartment.”

When reached for comment, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp both separately filed for restraining orders against our publication.

Sony Announces Mobile PS5 Console That Uses 50 AA Batteries

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

NEW YORK — Sony Interactive Entertainment announced a new mobile version of the PlayStation 5 today that will be powered entirely by 50 AA batteries.

“We have had marginal success in the handheld market before,” said SIE CEO Jim Ryan. “Our best-received products allow you to play main-system PlayStation games on the go, like the Vita’s Remote Play feature. Having a Mobile PS5 with you on the go ensures you have access to your entire digital PS5 library as long as you can connect to a screen and WiFi wherever you are. It’s mobile, it’s PlayStation, and it’s battery-powered. What more could you want? Plus, it’s the same size as the original PS5 so it’s just as powerful!”

Few other game companies have released handheld systems in recent years, which will reportedly give the system an advantage. 

“We are absolutely not releasing this into a crowded market,” Ryan added. “Our major competitors are not releasing any new Boys or anything like it any time soon. This does mean that the price point is a bit higher than usual for a handheld device, but even iPhones can be thousands of dollars in today’s world. Batteries will absolutely not be included with the PS5 Mobile.”

Longtime PlayStation fans have lit up across the internet with excitement for the new console.

“It looks pretty cumbersome, but you bet I’m going to get a PS5 as soon as I possibly can,” said Sony fan Kayden Patterson. “Honestly, I’m just willing to get any version of the PS5 at this point. I’ve literally been trying for years now, constantly refreshing Best Buy pages and Twitter feeds trying to get one. So if the only way I can get my hands on a PS5 is to buy one that requires 50 AA batteries, I don’t give a fuck. Plus I get to use it on the train to work, if I bring a TV! I just hope that if one of the batteries dies, they tell me which one I have to replace so I don’t have to individually test all 50 of them until I figure it out.”

At press time, Ryan clarified that the PS5 Mobile will not tell you which battery you have to replace so that you don’t have to individually test all 50 of them until you figure it out.

Star Wars Hotel Worker Who Broke Character Fed to Employee Dressed as Rancor in Basement

Posted on by Matt Shore

BAY LAKE, Fla. ー Guests aboard Disney’s Star Wars themed Galactic Starcruiser hotel witnessed an unscripted moment of drama when a cast member portraying a Twi’lek dancer broke character and was then immediately fed to another employee dressed as a rancor in the hotel’s basement as punishment.

The incident kicked off when the cast member playing Seela Doneeta, a green Twi’lek belly dancer, ad-libbed a remark about a hotel guest’s Seattle Seahawks jersey.

“She said the Hawks would have to be part of the Sith to trade Russell Wilson to Denver,” explained Hugo Miller, 45, a Seattle native. “Then two of the stormtrooper guys came in and dragged her out while she begged for mercy. Everybody was uncomfortable. Even the weird yellow puppet thing on Jabba’s lap stopped laughing, even though that’s basically all it does.”

Though the comment was innocuous, conversation about out-of-canon topics is a breach of Disney’s cast member agreement and, according to the employee handbook, may result in the firing of the employee, as well as any additional character-specific punishments proportional to the severity of the offense. In this case Seela Doneeta’s punishment was being fed to another cast member wearing a $60,000 animatronic rancor costume. 

“They turned on a big TV so we could watch it live, edited exactly like the scene in the movie,” said eight-year-old Starcruiser guest Riley Davis. “The blue lady kept clawing at the door, but the stormtroopers wouldn’t let her go. Then there was this big roar and she got gobbled up, and my parents had to sign some paperwork afterwards. It was awesome!”

A representative for Disney refused to share personal information for the Twi’lek actress, claiming that she had given up her “human name, along with any associated rights,” as part of her original employment agreement with Disney. 

When pressed to confirm whether the actress had actually survived being devoured by the animatronic rancor, the representative said in a followup that, “Disclosure of that information would undermine the strict adherence to an immersive environment that Star Wars fans both demand and deserve.”

Liberty City Police Beg Public to Stop Stealing Their Police Cars and Stopping Crimes

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LIBERTY CITY — The city’s chief of police has issued a statement to the public, pleading with them to stop absconding with their cars in order to violently confront criminals that are at large. 

“This has gone on long enough,” said Liberty City Chief of Police Bill Brickowski. “For too long, we’ve stood idly by as the morally ambiguous criminals of the city pilfer our cars and take the law into their own hands. This place is chaotic enough without every two-bit hood declaring themselves Sheriff for a day and joy riding around pretending they’re in Starsky & Hutch. Please, let the police handle the police work in this city, we’re begging you!” 

LCPD dispatchers reported a bizarre surge in crimes being stopped in progress yesterday, prompting today’s statement from the force. 

“I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force,” said Ruth Bergman, a police communications dispatcher. “I couldn’t believe how quickly crimes were being solved. I don’t mean in hours, I mean minutes! I’d call ‘em out, and two minutes later they would have killed the guy or blown his car up. After a while, I just stopped calling stuff in. Seemed like more harm than good was being done out there. We gotta get these police cars back in the hands of the actual police, if you ask me. The fire department just couldn’t keep up.” 

Despite the pleas from Brickowski, many said they didn’t mind the rise in freelance policing. 

“I mean, if someone stops someone from stealing my car, what do I care if it’s a criminal or a cop?” asked Buck Wylde, a local celebrity who’s been outspoken on the subject. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference in this city, am I right? Hey, if you like my subtle brand of social commentary, be sure to listen to my talk show on W-BALLZ later today!”

As of press time, another vigilante in a stolen police car was successfully stopping crimes around town before being pulled out of the cruiser and beaten savagely by a woman in a bikini.

Exclusive: We Interviewed the CEO of SkyNet About Their Recent Breakthroughs in Artificial Intelligence

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

From mobile work to security and maintenance, perhaps no company has done more for the advancement of technology in today’s society than SkyNet, a promising start up out of Austin, Texas that has made great strides during the COVID-19 pandemic. Last year, their T-400 model of home assistant swept the country, combining at home personal assistants with a walking talking android that actually helped with chores and tasks around the house. 

We had the opportunity to sit down with Barry Snow, the CEO of the skyrocketing company, about SkyNet’s future and some of the backlash to what some have called “unnecessarily violent home assistants.”

~~~~

Hard Drive: Hey Barry, thanks for doing this interview. 

Barry Snow: Oh hey man, no problem at all. Thanks for having me. Can I have one of those waters?

HD: Yeah, go ahead. So, your company was already gaining steam a few years ago, but it really seems that during the pandemic you pulled ahead of a lot of your peers with your home androids. Do you attribute this to the pandemic, or do you think SkyNet was going to be a major player in artificial intelligence and home securities no matter what? 

BS: Man, this is good water. That’s a great question. I look at it this way — SkyNet has already made many successful pivots in its short existence, which is the key to longevity in just about any industry. 

A lot of people forget, but do you remember in 1992 when our former Director of Special Projects Miles Dyson blew our old building right to hell? A lot of people said we wouldn’t recover from that, but we have. We built a new headquarters, and instead of trying to recreate weird robot shit that we found in an explosion one day, we started focusing on our own work with AI, alloy production, and laserbeams. 

HD: I did want to ask you about the laser beams. A lot of people have said there’s not a very convincing reason why the T-500 models should come equipped with lasers for “opening packages and tricky bags of chips.” Would you like to respond to that? 

BS: Yes, and thank you for allowing me to do so. Look, we’ve all read the stories and seen the news clips. House fire in Tacoma. Bridge lasered in half in Miami. Just horrible stuff. But, to think that things like houses catching on fire and bridges falling apart like butter weren’t happening before we entered the corporate world and started putting lasers on Roombas is a little naïve now, isn’t it? Our work is so vast that it feels really manipulative to focus on the handful of unfortunate incidents when in fact over 10 percent of households now have a Skynet assistant in their homes. You’re gonna have a few house fires! 

The future models are going to be even more exciting. The T-800s are a little ways away, but they can do anything you want. Anything. You can say, “Hey T-800, go to the store and get me some soda,” and let me tell you something, this thing is not coming back to your house without a big ol’ bottle of soda. They’ll follow any orders you want! 

HD: Wow, you seem really excited about these T-800s.

BS: Oh yeah, I really really am. When you see them, you’ll understand. We’re calling them Terminators. 

“The new Skynet T-800. Terminate housework!”

You like that? I came up with that. 

HD: That’s really good! Getting back to them doing anything you tell them to, certainly there are limits to that though, right? You wouldn’t want to be able to tell your SkyNet Home Assistant to go hurt somebody or something. 

BS: Hm. That’s interesting. Hadn’t thought of that. 

[This was followed by a long and uncomfortable pause.]

This is really good water, by the way. 

Were there any more questions? 

HD: Um. What’s next for SkyNet?

BS: The world! No, no, I’m just joking. We’re really excited about getting the “Housework Terminators” out into homes over the next few years. We just have to iron out a few details. We learned from product testing that we have to make these things turn on their masters if they try to have sex with them. You can warn them, and tell them about the erotic auto-defense programs we’ve implemented, but until they get slugged in the mouth they’re just not gonna stop trying to fuck these things. So that’s not cool. That’s been a bit of a hiccup. 

But, we’re really close to solving that, and then I think we’re off to the races! We’re working on some interesting things for the T-1000 too, like a new liquid metal android that does shit you wouldn’t believe. He can make his arm into a can opener, a wine bottle opener, an envelope opener, a lot of little things that we just couldn’t quite do with the 800’s. Which are still incredible, by the way. But the T-1000’s are gonna blow your mind. 

So yeah, the liquid metal, and we’re also looking at ways to disrupt the fabric of time, and we are really trying to get our laser guns a little more promo, to be honest. Do you want one of our laser gun prototypes? 

HD: Sure!

BS: Here you go. 

HD: Wow, awesome. Thank you. Do I charge this, or?

BS: Yeah, USB. No big whoop. 

I’m glad you’re excited about it. A lot of people have warned us against some of our recent pursuits, saying that the writing on the wall couldn’t be more ominous and that these things couldn’t possibly benefit humanity. But hey, you know our slogan around here, SkyNet – Judgment Day is Coming and It Will Be All Our Fault. 

Hmm, actually maybe that doesn’t apply here. 

HD: No, not really. It’s snappy, though. Say, your robot assistant is frightening me. Would you like to say anything to conclude this interview?

BS: Kids, don’t forget to ask for a T-800 for Christmas! Thank you for speaking with me. Oh, don’t forget your laser gun, Mark. 

HD: Oh whoops, thank you.

Elon Musk to Rename Twitter T-2&6(+)@!

Posted on by Bill Hawken

SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk announced today that his first act as the new owner of Twitter will be to rename the social media giant T-2&6(+)@!, pronounced “Tootandplutand.” 

“I think it’s brilliant,” said one of thousand identical T-2&6(+)@! users desperately vying for Musk’s attention on the newly renamed website. “Lord Musk’s intentions are not for me to question, but to accept. I assume speculation and debate over the name’s meaning will drive awareness of our Lord’s gracious acquisition though I’m sure that is a mere sliver of the true Lord Musk’s true design. Hail Musk! Hail dogecoin!”

At press time, diligent Musk fans and meme historians, however, decoded the message of the company’s new name, translating it to mean, “Please Grimes Take Me Back.”

Dr. Eggman’s Wealth Scrutinized Following Report His Family Owned A Chaos Emerald Mine In South Africa

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

ROBOTROPOLIS — The wealth of the infamous technocrat Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik has been brought under scrutiny following newly surfaced reports that the majority of his wealth originated from his family’s chaos emerald mine in South Africa.

“I can’t believe I didn’t know this, but it makes total sense,” said Station Square resident Kelly Posehn after hearing the news. “He’s always advertising the fact that he has a 300 IQ, but of course he forgets to mention his obsession with chaos emeralds runs in the family.”

Dr. Eggman, who is a staunch advocate of free speech, has built a career turning living things into unfeeling androids and mounting large-scale wars to try and control both the Earth and the entire universe. His most enthusiastic fans say that the news of his family background doesn’t change their belief in his vision.

“I know some people might be wondering what else is in this guy’s past, but I’m just excited to get turned into a robot,” said Paul Tyler, who recently moved to Robotropolis after selling all of his possessions and swearing allegiance to Dr. Eggman. “Also, he’s a brilliant designer! Have you seen those cool floating egg pods that he flies around in? I’m saving up to buy a Model E next year, hopefully I still have my human senses long enough to enjoy it by then!”

At press time, public discourse had already shifted away from this topic following news that Dr. Eggman had publicly accused his rival Sonic the Hedgehog of being a pedophile.

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