LIBERTY CITY — The city’s chief of police has issued a statement to the public, pleading with them to stop absconding with their cars in order to violently confront criminals that are at large.
“This has gone on long enough,” said Liberty City Chief of Police Bill Brickowski. “For too long, we’ve stood idly by as the morally ambiguous criminals of the city pilfer our cars and take the law into their own hands. This place is chaotic enough without every two-bit hood declaring themselves Sheriff for a day and joy riding around pretending they’re in Starsky & Hutch. Please, let the police handle the police work in this city, we’re begging you!”
LCPD dispatchers reported a bizarre surge in crimes being stopped in progress yesterday, prompting today’s statement from the force.
“I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force,” said Ruth Bergman, a police communications dispatcher. “I couldn’t believe how quickly crimes were being solved. I don’t mean in hours, I mean minutes! I’d call ‘em out, and two minutes later they would have killed the guy or blown his car up. After a while, I just stopped calling stuff in. Seemed like more harm than good was being done out there. We gotta get these police cars back in the hands of the actual police, if you ask me. The fire department just couldn’t keep up.”
Despite the pleas from Brickowski, many said they didn’t mind the rise in freelance policing.
“I mean, if someone stops someone from stealing my car, what do I care if it’s a criminal or a cop?” asked Buck Wylde, a local celebrity who’s been outspoken on the subject. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference in this city, am I right? Hey, if you like my subtle brand of social commentary, be sure to listen to my talk show on W-BALLZ later today!”
As of press time, another vigilante in a stolen police car was successfully stopping crimes around town before being pulled out of the cruiser and beaten savagely by a woman in a bikini.