Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Netflix Courts New Users By Offering Every Subscriber Their Own Stand-Up Special

Posted on May 4, 2022 by Camden Brazile

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Amidst a major loss in subscribers, streaming service Netflix has begun to launch a new promotion in hopes of increasing its paying customers by offering every user their own Netflix original stand-up comedy special.

“We realized that Netflix users are more likely to watch a stand-up special if they are the ones performing,” Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said in a press conference. “We’re hoping when potential subscribers see a headshot of themselves in front of a bright colored background with duct tape over their mouth they’ll shell out the monthly fee to see what humorous observations they had about things like public transit or Donald Trump. Our algorithm is able to generate a completely original hour-long special after getting the user’s data, and we think people will enjoy watching themselves do a comedy set that the Netflix description called ‘Laugh-out-loud funny!’”

“Not to mention, we did a study that found that something like 35% of Americans under the age of 50 currently consider themselves to be some sort of ‘comedian,’” Hastings added.

Netflix’s gamble seems to have paid off, with over 2,000 new customers already subscribing to see their original comedy special.

“I was just minding my own business, when I saw an article in the New York Times about how my joke about not needing a mask mandate had gone viral on Twitter,” new Netflix user Simon Neebs said. “I never really saw the point to having a Netflix account, but when there was suddenly a picture of me in front of an American flag background at Radio City Music Hall, I practically tripped over myself getting my wallet.

At press time, Netflix reported just landing another new subscriber named Nate Bargatze and urged users to be on the lookout for his contractually obligated special next month.

Obi-Wan Trailer Gives Fans First Breathtaking Shots of Luke as Annoying Kid

Posted on May 4, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney released a new trailer for their upcoming Obi-Wan Kenobi miniseries earlier today, and fans rejoiced as they got their first glimpse of Luke Skywalker as a shitty little kid.

“Oh wow, look at that bratty fucker,” said Andre Williams, a lifelong Star Wars fan. “All sitting on the roof of his house pretending to drive a starship or something. Looks at least as unbearable as the Anakin we got in The Phantom Menace. Fuck that action sequence at the end of Mandalorian last season, this is the good stuff right here! Oh, I hope I get to hear little Luke Skywalker cry. ”

The show’s star, Ewan McGregor was eager to share the upcoming project with the fans who’ve long awaited his return to the role he portrayed in the prequel trilogy of the early 2000’s.

“I think they’re really going to appreciate this show,” said McGregor. “We know this because they’ve told us what they want, and we’ve listened: needless portrayals of beloved characters as emotional children, set strictly on the desert planet of Tatooine. We’d love to do some other stuff, but the fans won’t have it. ‘Stay on Tatooine,’ they say. ‘Don’t you dare leave!’”

Disney executives teased that we might see early versions of other fan favorite characters in the show’s six-episode run.

“We are combing through stuff right now, trying to find arbitrary connections we haven’t made yet,” said Branson Keegan, a development executive. “We were gonna make it so Obi-Wan built C-3PO for no discernable reason, but then someone in the room remembered we already had Darth Vader built C-3PO for no discernable reason. So that set us back. But I don’t know. Maybe he gets an ewok at a pet store or something? Gets some of Jabba the Hutt’s mail? We’ll keep working on this until the last minute to make it as good as it can be, I assure you.”

As of press time, Disney had released yet another trailer for Obi-Wan Kenobi, which featured McGregor chugging a glass of blue milk before turning to the camera and belching out the show’s premiere date of May 27th.

Report: Standing 40 Feet Away From Enemy as Good as Hiding

Posted on May 3, 2022 by Matt Shore

WASHINGTON — A bizarre new report released today states that standing a good 40 or so feet away from somebody is just as elusive as finding an effective hiding spot.

“Wow, that explains so much,” said a guard outside of a remote FBI research facility in the Arctic. “I’m always hearing weird shit, and then I go and look, and I can’t see a fucking thing. But the weird part is, there aren’t always cardboard boxes or conveniently placed piles of grass for people to hide in, but I still can’t see anything! That explains it — they’re just kinda far away.”

Scientists stated that their findings confirmed the limitations of human soldiers, and possibly even most high-end security cameras.

“Your average soldier can be trained to become a well oiled machine,” said Liv Winslow, a lead scientist on the recently published study. “They can be trained to do damn near everything. Everything, that is, except see past a reasonable vantage point. Also, they seem to rapidly forget about something once it’s out of their sight, sort of like a baby without object permanence. You can see where these two sort of pair up in a troubling way. We felt people really ought to know about this.”

“The whole study took us like ten minutes,” she added. “These guys can’t see dick.”

The study confirmed what many in the tactical ops industry have long suspected, that regardless of their level of training, the average soldier or guard doesn’t possess the capacity to see beyond the 40 foot radius surrounding them.

“That inability to see very well has been the backbone of many successful operations,” said FALCON REAPER, a secret agent that’s successfully infiltrated many highly fortified locations. “In fact, with all of the advancements we’ve made in gear: night vision goggles, radar, you name it, there’s almost no tool more effective than sneaking into a place and then just being a good ten yards away from whoever’s looking for you. It’s remarkable.”

As of press time, scientists had begun a new study about the health benefits of walking up and down the same hallway for days at a time.

Weird Jerk-Off Instruction Video Prompts Masturbating Viewer to Lock Family in Their Rooms and Burn Down the House

Posted on May 3, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

LINCOLN, N.E. — Local college student Tyler Biggs recently fell victim to a horrifying and bizarre series of directions from a pornographic video.

“So I’m just sitting here watching some JOI video, minding my own business, and at first it’s all the usual stuff where the girl like tells you how to touch your dick and whatever, and maybe she’s a little mean about it, but then out of nowhere, shit starts getting really weird,” said Biggs, appearing visibly shaken but also still vaguely aroused by the incident. “Like, creepy weird. It was innocuous enough at first, like ‘say you worship the elder gods’ and stuff, but then she said to be a good boy and get her the butcher knives from the kitchen. It wasn’t until she started telling me to lock my parents in their room and to burn down the house that I really got freaked out. About 10 minutes later, I was calling for help.”

Reddit user needabigtittymommy69, an internet friend of Biggs, said this kind of video circulates often on the websites that they both commonly frequent.

“I’ve heard stories about this kind of thing, but I never thought I’d actually get to see evidence firsthand, you know? There’s always some creepypasta floating around about Satanic jerk-off instruction videos. But man, Tyler seems to be in a bad spot, dude. We just have to pray he has the resolve not to go through with it. And especially that he doesn’t cum to it, dude. That would be super fucking weird.”

Commenters on the video itself seem to have routinely had similar experiences to the one reported by Biggs.

“If there’s anyone out there watching this, I’m begging you, stop now,” said commenter PleaseHelpMeGod420. “I did everything the video said and it ruined my life. I killed my family and burned my house down, and now I can’t get hard anymore unless I do something at least that deranged. What am I supposed to do to get off now, get another family and buy another house? I’m totally screwed. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

At press time, Biggs was reportedly struggling to undo the cap on a canister of gasoline with one hand.

Marvel Editor Frothing at the Mouth to Make License Plate in Film a Reference to Comic Book

Posted on May 3, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Marvel Studios graphics editor Hal Dawson was reportedly frothing at the mouth this morning with excitement over the opportunity to make a license plate in Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania a reference to a comic book.

“Oh my god, Ant-Man has a fight scene in the middle of stand-still traffic on Interstate-405?! That’s… that’s thousands of license plates! Holy shit, oh my god, that’s so many fuckin’ license plates. Holy shit, man. I gotta get my hands on these plates!” Dawson said, upon learning about the upcoming scene. “Oh my god, we can pack so many obscure comic book references in this thing. Ant-Man issue numbers, Wasp issue numbers, writers’ birthdays, Stan Lee’s social security number… get ready to pause, Marvel fans, because you’re gonna be googling license plate numbers for days.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Disney uses the license plates as a way to keep digital artists working on films happy.

“We do roughly 90% of all our movies on sound stages in front of green screens because the digital people aren’t unionized — both the people who work on the digital parts of the movie and the literal thousands of digital people they put into each scene,” explained Disney executive Lenny McGill. “That’s why we need to keep them busy and distracted. These guys are absolute nerds. So if we dangle a bunch of empty license plates, billboards, and Daily Bugle newspapers for them to fill out, they get so damn excited they don’t have time to think about the fact that their working conditions are so out of control.”

“Not to brag, but it was my idea, actually,” McGill added. “My whole job is just keeping these artists in line. And that’s why I get paid $10 million a year.”

At press time, every single detail of Ant-Man and the Wasp, down to the second, was leaked on Reddit.

FBI Swears They Have No Idea Who Deleted Tupac Hologram

Posted on May 3, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — The FBI continues to insist it has no idea who deleted the popular Tupac Shakur hologram that made festival appearances a decade ago.

“Look, we’ll tell you if we find something, but we haven’t found anything,” said Christopher A. Wray, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. “I’m not really sure what else you want me to do about it. It’s the 21st century, data is getting stolen all the time. We can’t really keep people safe AND recover stolen holograms. Let’s be realistic.”

Fans of the late rapper’s missing hologram lamented the fact that its disappearance remains unsolved.

“Look, that thing was weird, and I’m still not convinced it was a great idea,” said Faye Cunningham, who attended the Coachella music festival in 2012, where the hologram made its debut during Dr. Dre’s headlining performance. “But the way we never heard from it again and now the FBI is swearing that there’s just nothing they can do about it is pretty fucked up, right? A hologram that convincing deserved better than this.”

Many in the tech community have stressed that the resources exist to protect holograms, but the proper priority has not been given to them.

“They could find that thing tomorrow,” said Jennifer Raney, a Data Protection Specialist. “Just like they could feed the poor and house everybody if it meant that much to them. They’d just rather buy tanks and police cruisers and arrest people for having drugs that will be legal in a few years. Sorry Tupac fans; same shit, different year.”

As of press time, Wray concluded his press conference by again insisting there were still no viable leads for the Tupac Shakur hologram, as well as the holograms of Biggie Smalls, Malcom X, and Jeffrey Epstein that have all vanished under mysterious circumstances.

Guy Playing Chess Thrown Out of Checkers Tournament

Posted on May 3, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — A crafty, forward thinking participant was tossed out of the local checkers tournament, when it was revealed he had been playing chess the whole time.

“You think you’ve outsmarted me?” cried Doyle Ross as he was carried out of the local checkers tournament being held at the Holiday Park Community Center. “You haven’t seen the last of me! I’ve been planning this all for months, years even! While you sit around with your pathetic little tournament and rankings, I’ve got the brains to see the bigger picture!”

The raving entrant was escorted out by police and told to stay away from the premises. The tournament continued on successfully, although the unfortunate incident continued to dominate the discussion of the day.

“Wow, you gotta hand it to the guy,” said Matt Greene, who competed in the tournament. “He was really out here playing chess while we were all playing checkers. I’m not sure there was any reason to do it. I mean, it was quite odd, really, the way he’d shoot his one checker up the board and say, ‘This is my rook.’ You can’t really do that. That doesn’t make you smart.”

This is already the second high profile incident at the Community Center this year, after someone else was tossed out for bringing a knife into the local gun show this March.

Mads Mikkelsen Opens Up About His Silent Battle With Evil Face Syndrome

Posted on May 3, 2022 by Camden Brazile

COPENHAGEN — Actor and internet personality Mads Mikkelsen, famous for his roles in James Bond and Hannibal, opened up about his silent battle with Malicious Facial Prognostics, commonly known as Evil Face Syndrome.

“When the doctor told me I had a clinically-diagnosed evil face, it was crushing to me,” a broken Mikkelsen said. “I didn’t want to even be an actor, but every job interview I went to would go downhill when the interviewer would start pleading with me to let their family go after seeing my sinister visage. One day I went to a casino, sat down at a table and just acted like my normal self, which was later turned into the movie Casino Royale. I have kept it quiet since then, doing whatever I can with my wicked, pained eyes to pay the bills.”

Mikkelsen’s doctor elaborated on some of the specifics of EFS.

“Patients can be tested for Evil Face Syndrome as a child, by having them sit back in a leather chair and arch their fingers. If it looks natural, chances are they are suffering from EFS. Mr. Mikkelsen’s case was one of the strongest we’ve ever seen, with symptoms manifesting as an infant. We noticed that as a child he would disinterestedly stare at his juicebox and swirl it around like a glass of brandy. We decided to get him tested for Evil Face Syndrome right away and sure enough, his ratings registered at about 60,000 units on the Willem Dafoe Scale.”

At press time, sources noted that Mikkelsen’s sinister Dutch accent somehow also inexplicably manifested despite being born and raised in Boston Massachusetts.

Fantastical Video Game Lets You Imagine World Where People Come Together to Fight Climate Change

Posted on May 2, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CAPE TOWN, South Africa — An upcoming science fiction video game developed by Free Lives and published by Devolver Digital called Terra Nil imagines a fantastical world in which humans come together to challenge the devastating effects of climate change.

“I’m a huge sci-fi and fantasy fan, so sometimes I feel like I’ve seen it all and can be pretty jaded. But holy shit, the premise of Terra Nil actually blew my mind; a planet where people actually spend resources to try and defeat climate change?! It’s one of the most imaginative premises I’ve ever heard of,” said avid gamer Mariella Bryan. “The gameplay looks pretty fun too — I mean I’ll play any city-builder game, I’m not an animal — but man, that premise really blew my mind. People coming together to fight climate change. What will they think up next?!”

According to those familiar with the situation, the Terra Nil development team wanted to focus on creating an other-worldly experience like trying to save the one the players are living on.

“We’re used to working with more relatable situations ripped out of our daily lives, like with our game Genital Jousting. Obviously, that was more of a life-sim. So for Terra Nil, we really wanted to expand our horizons and tackle a premise that felt more unimaginable,” explained Free Lives creative director Evan Greenwood. “Science fiction is all about taking an idea that people know in the real world and heightening it. For Terra Nil, we started with a familiar premise — ravaged environments, areas destroyed by feckless industrialism — and then we introduced a twist: the ability to do something about it.”

At press time, however, city-builder fans were dismayed to discover that Terra Nil isn’t one of those games where you can suddenly decide to be evil and just let a bunch of AI people die for no reason.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital. That’s right: all of your worst fears about video game reviews being paid for are accurate. The world is crumbling around you. There’s no hope for the video game journalism industry anymore… except… is that a light? Yes… yes! You can wash away your fears and misery by building up the serene and beautiful of Terra Nil! Have fun, gamers!

BIG BOY ALERT: Absolute Hoss Asserts Dominance on DDR Machine

Posted on May 2, 2022 by Ian Vaflor

MIAMI — Reports flooding in this morning have confirmed that an absolute hoss rolled up to the Dance Dance Revolution machine at Andy’s Arcade earlier today and let every man, woman, and child there know who was the king of the place.

“Did you get a load of that big boy over there fucking shit up on DDR,” asked Randy Bowman, one of several amazed bystanders. “I knew it was gonna be worth watching when I saw him hang his trench coat on the Time Crisis gun and start doing the weirdest warm up exercises I ever saw. And then holy shit, that song kicked on and his legs started firing around like they weren’t connected to his upper body. I thought that big fucker was gonna stomp through the machine if I’m being honest.”

Many reported stopping doing whatever they were doing in order to watch the big boy do his thing on the Dance Dance Revolution machine. Following the successful routine, the mysterious hoss calmly gathered his things and left.

“That dude is an absolute legend,” said Wendy Smith, another onlooker. “The way he wiped some sweat from his brow, mumbled ‘That was okay, I guess,’ and shuffled through the gathered crowd, only to escape as quickly as he appeared. Some total Neo shit. They even had the same sunglasses, I think. I’ll probably never look at dancing the same way, if I’m being honest.”

Employees of the arcade were less shocked by the display of territorial dominance.

“That big sumbitch comes in here once or twice a week and absolutely lights that machine up,” said Alvin Clementine, a part-time employee of Andy’s Arcade. “It’s a hell of a sight. I let him take a prize from the wall even though Dance Dance Revolution isn’t a game that awards tickets. He’s just that good.”

As of press time, the mystifying Dance Dance Revolution master had tripped and fallen down the stairs on his way out of Andy’s Arcade.

Photo via Engadget.

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