Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Today We’re Calling the PS3 “Retro” Just to Upset You

Posted on May 8, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

Howdy, gamers! There wasn’t a ton of news to riff on today, but we came up with a really exciting idea to get some buzz going in our morning pitch meeting. Check this out, today we’re going to talk about how the PlayStation 3 is actually 15 years old! Isn’t that upsetting? Do you want to share this article with someone else and yell about it? I bet you do. Classic behavior from a retro gamer!

Joining the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) and Atari 2600 (uhh, “the ol’ 26”) and many other throwback gaming machines, the PlayStation 3 has seen its primitive charm celebrated by an entire generation of aging gamers. However, every time a system becomes officially “retro” (which the PS3 actually did five years ago if we’re being honest, so I don’t know why you’re SO shook right now), there’s a natural backlash to accepting the status. But come on. We’re generations away from that bullshit. Want to know how primitive it was? You couldn’t even record clips on a PS3. Can you believe that? It might as well be screwed into your TV with an RF adapter. This thing is old and so are you!

How was that? Did we get you cooking? Your old retro ass?

So, now that we’ve established that the PlayStation 3 is a vintage system revered mostly by those denying the reality around them, how does it stack up against other ancient pieces of home entertainment? Is it one of many older systems ultimately overvalued due to nostalgia, like the Nintendo 64, or does its library still hold up as one of the finest in all of video gaming despite its age, like the Xbox 360? Are you ready to just jump into this screen and fistfight this article? Try not to strain your back.

While many will certainly defend the PlayStation 3 library as being full of essential titles, it’s honestly pretty unremarkable. I can’t even remember that many games that came out for it, if we’re being honest. It was that long ago. There were a few games that were technically “important,” that might be worth playing just to understand their place in the evolution of video games, but it’s not much more than a history lesson.

Most of these fossils are objectively tough to revisit today, but thankfully modern remasters of cult favorites like Uncharted and The Last of Us have made the atrocious frame rates and sub-4k environments a relic buried in the early 21st century. Of course the harsh pixelization and unrealistic puddle-lighting effects are what many gamers grew up on, so they don’t think they look bad, but you can’t pretend they don’t look like total shit today. I mean, come on. That shit looks like shit.

Okay, gonna wind down now. I think I’ve done my job. Thanks for reading Hard Drive, and remember, everything you like is overrated, and the more time you spend sitting there rolling your eyes and crafting comments about what an idiot I am is honestly great for our analytics.

Thanks for understanding, and we’ll try to run something nicer tomorrow! I’d apologize for upsetting some of you, but that was like the whole stated goal, so I don’t know. See ya!

This Gaming Chair Really Sucks, But We Make Ten Bucks If You Buy One

Posted on May 6, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

Hi, gamers! We wanted to take a break from ripping a blistering satire hole through every stupid thing that happens in the video game world and just let you know that there is a gaming chair you can find over on Amazon, and while it’s not especially great, we make a little change if you buy one. Isn’t that neat? You can support Hard Drive all while getting a chair that is good to, like, throw your coats on or something. I wouldn’t sit in it for too long — it really fucked up my back. Maybe you could put your shoes on in it or something. Anyway, it’s the XTSeat CR1200, and it’s available now!

I’m really not used to writing product descriptions, so I’m just gonna be honest: you’re simply not going to believe how much every part of this chair is lacking or underwhelming in every way. The armrests are hard as a rock and the back sticks straight up and isn’t adjustable. There’s extra pillows in weird places and nothing supportive where you need it to be. One of the wheels doesn’t turn. Every spring inside of this thing comes to an incredibly sharp point. The middle gets hot if you sit in it for too long. It only spins clockwise. Touching the underside of it leaves a strange gunk on your finger. Water has an acidic effect on every part of it. It’s loud. It’s very heavy. The gunk will not come off of your finger. The chair also stinks.

But if you happen to be in the market for a new gaming chair at a reasonable price, and feel like helping us keep the lights on, go ahead and order one! I think I mentioned it before, but we get ten bucks for each one of these that we help sell.

We understand this isn’t ideal. In a perfect world, we’d be able to publish shit like, “Top 10 Gaming Chairs That Are All Totally Nice,” and we’d be able to buddy up with every company on the list and at least shamelessly point you towards buying something you halfway liked, all the while being a little less blatant in our motives. That’d be great for all of us, I’m sure you can agree. However, we have no contacts, and furthermore, I don’t even know how any of that shit works. I’m in my sweatpants trying to bang out a couple of my little articles to justify spending the rest of my afternoon playing Alien3 on the Super Nintendo right now, and XTSeat are the only people that answered me. So I don’t know what to tell you. Why are you even listening to me about a chair? I write about video games!

(The preceding article was a paid advertisement from XTSeat)

(Expect 3-8 weeks for delivery and a whopper of a shipping and handling charge.)

(Hard Drive is not responsible for any injuries sustained by the chair or the chair’s packaging)

(Author’s Note: Alien3 on SNES is not bad)

(Editor’s Note: Mark, we really need you to start working full days. Please answer my email.)

Activision Announces Plans to Start Releasing Call of Duty Games Three at a Time

Posted on May 6, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following the disappointing sales numbers of Call of Duty: Vanguard, Activision has announced a modified release plan that will see games from the Call of Duty series be released three at a time from now on.

“It’s really the logical next step,” said Scott Bruner, a representative from Activision, in a press conference this morning. “While Vanguard was still the highest selling game of 2021, this batshit corporate world we’re in dictates that anything short of constant growth is a failure and that we must make more money off of the people still buying the game every year. The solution is simple; a trilogy of unrelated games every fall, with over four dozen possible combinations of ways to pre-order and purchase them all.”

The news was met by Call of Duty fans with mixed reactions.

“Hmm, they got zombies on all three?” asked Clyde Ritter, a long time Call of Duty player. “I’ll probably get at least two of them, but I don’t know. Even if I wanted to play them all, it’s a lot to keep up with. And then they’re still doing Warzone 2? Wow. The war game machine will truly never stop in this capitalist world, huh?”

Activision’s press conference continued, as Bruner further explained the new release strategy.

“We’ll stay on top by spending more, plain and simple,” he said. “For every person that stopped feeling obligated to buy each title we’ve put out, 22 of them in total, we have to figure out a way to sell two or three Call of Duties to someone else. Calls of Duties. We want them all to buy several Calls of Duty. Du-tie. Oh fuck it, you know what I mean.”

Activision closed the press conference by revealing this year’s slate of Call of Duty games. They will be Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2: 2, Call of Duty: Let’s Try Vietnam, and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, Too.

Dwayne Johnson Holds Press Conference Just to Say “What’s Up?” to Everybody in America

Posted on May 6, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Hollywood superstar and presumptive presidential candidate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson held a press conference today, apparently to kind of just say “what’s up” to everybody that tuned in.

“Wow, I really thought he was going to finally announce his intentions to run for President,” said Kate Wheeler, a local reporter. “But no, he just said hi and asked how we were doing in that charming way of his, and in general I think we all liked him a little bit more by the end of it. It was honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed one of these in years. But wait, what was the point of this exactly?”

The press conference, announced just this morning, saw Johnson come out to his old wrestling theme music and share some prepared remarks before a hastily gathered press.

“Hey, what’s up, America?” began Johnson’s speech. “I know we’re going through a lot right now, and heck, we’re kind of always going through a lot. And I know that can be hard. Really damn hard. But I just wanted to say ‘Hey’ and that I hope everyone’s doing alright, and that they’re getting through okay. This will conclude my remarks at this time. Thank you everybody.”

Media pundits were off to the races following the swift press conference.

“He’s running, it couldn’t be more obvious!” exclaimed Bunton Chuster, co-host of MSNBC’s They Said WHAT?! “I don’t think he’ll officially announce anything until, oh, I don’t know, the day before the election or something. But he’s been campaigning for longer than any of us realize.”

“He can figure out the politics and stuff later,” he added.

As of press time, President Joe Biden had challenged Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to a bare knuckle brawl for the presidency, with the stipulation of “no funny business.”

Streamer Adds Extra Tier for Pronouncing Patron Names Correctly

Posted on May 6, 2022 by Zack White

ST. LOUIS — Popular streamer TENSionHAWK has moved forward with a bold new business strategy, creating a new donation tier to pronounce patron names correctly during on-stream shoutouts.

“When I sat down and looked at the numbers, it was an obvious move,” said TENSionHAWK. “Lots of my most dedicated fans have very complicated names. I needed a way to see which ones are worth learning how to pronounce correctly, and which ones I can butcher without any real consequences. So I’m having them pay.”

The streamer’s audience has met the news with a general positive attitude, with many indicating that most people in their lives don’t even make direct eye contact with them, so paying money to hear their name spoken by another human being was more than worth it.

“I think the new subscription tier is great!” raved fan and patron Sindheep Chahar. “I give about 10% of my paycheck to ‘Hawk and it used to sting when they pronounced my name as ‘Sing – Hoop’. They still don’t pronounce my name right, but it’s a little closer now.”

When asked why they never took the time to learn patron names in the first place, TENSionHAWK explained the exhausting legwork that goes into learning how to pronounce a new name.

“Listen, I didn’t get sponsored by RC Cola for my name pronunciation, I got sponsored for my gaming. Do you want me to stay up all night memorizing how to pronounce ‘J-E-F-F?’ Cause that’s what it would take for me to get it right every time, and that’s already my CS:GO practice time. It’s either gaming or naming, and unless I’m getting paid explicitly to do it, it’s gaming every time.”

In response to all the support from their community, TENSionHAWK announced they were expanding on the positive energy by creating yet another new tier to identify patrons by their correct gender identity.

Resident Evil Villager Spends Day Decorating Home With Boxes Containing Just a Single Shotgun Shell

Posted on May 5, 2022 by Sam LiButti

RURAL SPAIN — A Spanish villager has reportedly spent the day decorating their home with boxes and crates containing just a single shotgun shell to get their mind off the coming plague.

“I guess this is just our way here. I like to keep my house fully stocked with all of the essentials just in case,” explained Rosa Garcia as she prepped a crumbling old crate. “You could probably break this entire crate by just smacking it once with a knife. It’s good; you never know when you might need a drawer full of loose herbs or the key to your neighbor’s secret safe.”

Despite the neighborhood’s traditions, not every villager agrees with this age-old tradition. spoke with s about his reservations.

“I just don’t get it. Every few years we do this and it just seems like we could be using our time better. I mean half the village have turned into literal monsters and basically like clockwork some cop always comes and steals all of this shit anyway, so what exactly is the point?” said resident Johnathan Swinter, walking back and forth from his home to the local water well, repeating only this exact statement anytime he was approached.

This police officer in question, Leon Kennedy, explained how beneficial this custom has been to his police work.

“Thank god for those random boxes with one shotgun shell — it has saved my ass more than once,” Kennedy said. “I feel pretty lucky that I’m constantly stumbling on brittle old boxes filled with the exact supplies I need. After a long day of fighting a large slug-like man-creature, it’s nice to not have to worry about where I am going to find my next first aid spray can to wildly spray on my freshly amputated arm curing it instantly, or the keycard to my dead friends locker for some of that sweet pomade to keep my hair in place.”

“I don’t quite know why everyone here is so messy,” he added, “but I’m not about to start complaining.”

At press time, the villagers had begun the final stage of preparation by smearing dirt on the walls and slightly unscrewing any light bulbs they could find causing them all to flicker to improve the neighborhood’s ambiance.

Red Flag: Boyfriend Just Skipped Entire Cutscene

Posted on May 5, 2022 by Kevin Podas

BATAVIA, Ill. — In a potentially deal-breaking moment of their still-developing relationship, local girlfriend Liz Small reportedly noticed that her boyfriend Cyrus Andia skipped an entire cutscene of one of her favorite video games, raising a glaring red flag that called into question the validity of their entire romantic engagement.

“Cyrus has been playing Final Fantasy VI at my place on weekends because it’s important to me and I wanted him to experience each twist and turn of the story for the first time,” remarked Small, packing some things into a suitcase to stay with her mother for the weekend. “But all of a sudden he started mashing the A-button through the entire opera scene. Then he had the audacity to ask, ‘What’s going on?’ and I just had to remove myself from the situation.”

Couples therapist Melinda Barnes says these behaviors repeated by men while playing video games can all too easily be applied to the dynamics of a growing romantic relationship.

“Sometimes cutscenes in games can be really boring, but so can relationships,” said Barnes. “And just like in relationships, sometimes there can be significant story beats or important hints for how to proceed within longer chunks of cutscene dialogue. Most guys just try to skip that stuff so they can get back to the fun stuff and don’t realize it’s too late until they get stuck, get frustrated, and quit. So, no, I don’t think it’s an overreaction to reconsider a relationship over this by any means. If anything, it’s an underreaction.”

While Small appreciates Andia’s partially-engaged enthusiasm for the game, she noted that this isn’t the first time this has happened.

“I sat in this exact same spot last month and watched him hit the skip button past each and every cutscene in Kingdom Hearts 3, which, I mean, is understandable,” said Small. “But you really can’t expect me to be patient and tell you where to go when Mickey Mouse literally just said it himself. I’m your girlfriend, not someone backseat driving your Twitch stream.”

At press time, Small and Andia had reconciled at the last minute after agreeing to just play Mario Kart 64’s battle mode together from now on.

Supreme Court Restricts Abortion to Anyone Who Can Complete ‘The Gauntlet’

Posted on May 5, 2022 by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — In a shocking unanimous decision today, the Supreme Court of the United States voted to permanently restrict abortion to any brave soul that could complete their ‘Death Gauntlet’ obstacle course.

“If women want to have their necessary healthcare, they are going to have to earn it in The Gauntlet, just as our Founding Fathers would have wanted it,” Justice Samuel Alito said while lighting a ceremonial torch. “First, they must pass through the Spiked Walls of Kavanaugh, on through the perilous snake pit, defeat the Eagle of Truth, and then choose to either row or wade through the fabled waters of fetus’ past.”

The unprecedented decision has caused upset among American women, despite the fact that the SCOTUS has the right to create any gladiatorial death competitions for legislature according to the Constitution.

“I don’t believe the Supreme Court should be choosing what women do with their bodies, especially if what they do is race against the clock in a medieval death run,” said women’s rights advocate Megan Mueller. “By invoking The Gauntlet, they aren’t really preventing abortions, just ensuring that women will travel to unsafe, back-alley obstacle courses in Mexico or Canada. Our lawmakers always used to make us jump through hoops to get medical treatments, but now the hoops are literal and on fire.”

At press time, sources noted that despite The Gauntlet’s murderous obstacles, it was still far easier than getting any form of healthcare in Texas.

Movie a Bit Too Proud to Be From the Studio That Brought You ‘Venom’

Posted on May 4, 2022 by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — Film studio Sony released a trailer for their next upcoming film coming this summer, proudly toting to be brought to you from the studio that brought you ‘Venom.’

“It’s really kind of rubbing in nothing,” said filmgoer Andrew Saverin. “I mean, right off the bat bragging about being from a specific studio is kind of like brandishing an empty gun, but Venom? They’re THAT proud of Venom? Liking Venom is fine, but this movie is going all-in on the fact that it was greenlit by the same office board room that approved Venom. By bragging that your movie is from the studio of a lukewarm movie, you’re essentially stopping your trailer to tell the audience that you don’t really have any brags at all. Didn’t they kinda make the Spider-Man movies? They should put that instead. ‘From the studio that kind of made the Spider-Man movies (at least the trailers).’”

President of Sony Pictures Tony Vinciquerra asked viewers to be impressed.

“Look, Sony is pretty good, okay? You should feel lucky Sony made you another movie,” Vinciquerra said. “People liked Venom! Go ahead, look up the box office for Venom and nothing else about it, please. What if we throw something on the poster that says ‘from the guys who brought you Zombieland?’ See? We’re just saying ‘the guys,’ we’re being fun and casual to show you this movie is chill and enjoyable. It’s not from a studio, or a corporation, just some guys! Fine. I’ll sweeten the deal. I’ll let you in on a little secret: we also did Venom 2.”

At press time, sources also reported that the end of the trailer boasted that it stars MTV Best Kiss winner Chris Hemsworth.

PC Gamer Nostalgic for Era of Putting Entire Setup Into Car and Driving to Friend’s House

Posted on May 4, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

ST. LOUIS — A gamer recently waxed nostalgic about the bygone era of gaming that involved him unplugging all of his shit and throwing it in the back of his 1990 Chevrolet Lumina and driving 20 minutes across town to his friend Nate’s house, sources have confirmed.

“Yeah man, gaming really peaked back then if you ask me,” said Michael Fleer, who was a 17-year-old working two nights a week at a video store at the time. “Sure, modern gaming really has made multiplayer gaming easier and more convenient than ever, but I don’t know, I still prefer the old days. No cell phones, no social media, no meals, just 30 uninterrupted hours of Team Fortress 2 and Unreal Tournament that only ended when someone realized they were supposed to be at work. That’s gaming, baby.”

Nathan Ramirez, the host of the bygone LAN parties, shared his nostalgia for the era.

“Oh yeah, those were the good old days for sure,” he said. “Of course, that’s easy for me to say. Everyone piled all their shit into their cars and backpacks and came over to my place, because my parents didn’t care if we used the basement. Sometimes I try to get everyone to come to my house and do that again and they all just say they’re too busy with their kids or that they don’t know why they’d need to bring their computer and monitor over here if we’re just trying to hop into a lobby together. I get it, I totally get it. I’d fuck up my back if I tried to do all that today. Still, I miss it, though.”

Ramirez’s wife Allison, however, said she was relieved that the days of in person multiplayer gaming parties were over.

“When we first started dating, he’d have his friends over once in a while, which is obviously harmless,” she explained. “But they’d spend two hours setting up a dozen computers just to sit around and play Quake in our apartment for two days. One night, I swear to god, they duct taped someone up to the wall because they ran out of room. I might not have married him if online multiplayer hadn’t made the advances it did, if we’re being honest. That’s no kind of life to live.”

As of press time, Fleer had buckled his PC tower into the passenger seat of his car like it was a person and drove it around the block for old time’s sake.

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