LOS ANGELES — The new Pixar film ‘Lightyear’ recently came under fire when the Chinese cut of the film edited out a gay kiss for audiences. To compensate, Disney appeased outcry by adding over a thousand gay love scenes into the French edition of the film.
“In the French version, I don’t even think we establish Buzz as a space ranger until 40 minutes in,” said voice of the titular Buzz Lightyear Chris Evans. “It’s a black and white drama about several homosexual couples in romantic disarray. It’s stunningly beautiful, and when I recorded some of the lines with Taika Waititi, we both were weeping by the end.”
“I thought it was a little weird how many cigarettes Buzz smokes in the movie, you know, because it’s a kid’s movie,” Evans added. “But apparently it’s actually healthy for them over there. Weird country.”
Disney CEO Bob Chapek explained the decision to change the script for a more sensual, mature audience.
“We owed the world this one,” Chapek said. “It’s important we play both sides so Disney can still appeal to everyone. So if ‘Lightyear’ is a chaste, family movie in China, in France it’s going to be, to use the industry term, a ‘Fuck Fest’. Strap in, folks, because Buzz Lightyear’s space suit comes off, and it’s all purple down there, baby. This was French Andy’s favorite movie as a kid.”
Pierre Ledoux, a French moviegoer, said the film turned over a new leaf for cinema as a whole.
“I’m not usually a Pixar fan, but this movie inspired me to reach out to my lover and try to make it work,” Ledoux said. “Mr. Lightyear, he is so passionate and tender, I never knew an action figure could be so sexually awakened. He loves, he loses, he recovers, all in a two hour animated romp.”
At press time, Disney announced that Buzz may either remain openly gay or renounce all sex entirely in the future, depending on which audience box office does better.
TATOOINE — Following his recent first place victory, Anakin Skywalker’s podracing records were called into question when it appeared that he may have been harnessing the power of magical living cells known as midichlorians to gain an unfair advantage in the race.
“Upon further evaluation, our judges have found that the winner of the Boonta Eve Classic, Anakin Skywalker, had performance-enhancing intelligent lifeforms in his bloodstream,” said Jabba the Hutt, in more or less those words. “Thus, we cannot in good conscience recognize his podracing career at this time. Such is to be expected from Jedi scum.”
The inciting incident to call Skywalker’s potentially illegitimate abilities into question was first noticed by a rival racer.
“I straight-up mangled that kid’s podracer before the race, shoved all kinds of illegal shit into it to blow the gaskets and send him flying head first into a sheer rock wall,” said Sebulba, a crowd favorite contestant of the event. “Halfway through the race, he sticks his arm out, and uses his mind or some shit to pull back some loose wiring and reconnect it to his ship. It’s like, what? How is that even fair?”
The decision did not come without controversy, as some called the verdict out as blatant discrimination against Jedi.
“Without the midichlorians, life could not exist. There would be no galaxy, no podracing, no Jar Jar, nothing,” remarked Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. “We do not choose midichlorians, they choose us. Asking a Jedi not to use the Force would be like asking us to deny our basic instincts, and the decision to wipe Anakin’s records clean is blatant discrimination on its face.”
At press time, both sides of the debate had come together to agree that, either way, the decision would have no clear ramifications on Skywalker’s outlook or the future of the galaxy at large.
WASHINGTON 一 Nintendo has confirmed that Mario enemy and Kart racing opponent Dry Bones attended the January 6th insurrection attempt, where he participated in numerous unlawful activities, including but not limited to destruction of government property via thrown humeruses.
“It is with heavy hearts that we revoke Dry Bones’s participation privileges in future Mario-related activities,” announced Nintendo of America president, Doug Bowser. “January 6th was an assault on our democracy, and though Dry Bones has been a beloved ancillary character in the Mushroom Kingdom for decades, its refusal to abide by American law as well as its decision to chomp, headbutt, and rattle ominously at our Capitol’s law enforcement officers was enough to force our hand.”
Footage of Dry Bones at the January 6th riots began to circulate last week, with users on social media attempting to verify the skinless Koopa Troopa’s identity.
“Like the Lord Jesus Christ, Dry Bones reveals himself to us in mysterious ways,” said Twitter user and avid Nintendo fan, DM4SamusBootyPics. “Sometimes he walks on all fours like a Spiny or drunken Waluigi. Sometimes he ascends on Paratroopa wings like a beautiful undead angel. The Dry Bones pictured at the Capitol during the riots may have been dressed like Uncle Sam and chanting, ‘Stop the steal,’ but once I heard it bragging about winning a curling match with Sonic in the Winter Olympics, I knew. There was no doubt it was the same Dry Bones that we’ve all come to know, and in many cases, love more deeply than our own families.”
Though Dry Bones’s love of fascistic toil and cyclical movement patterns were seen as an asset for monarchs like Boo and Bowser, these tendencies primed the skeletal turtle for radicalization online in alt-right forums, where blindly worshiping autocrats and exhibiting circular reasoning are seen as signs of mental acuity.
“We apprehended the suspect after we found him wildly waving a tattered American flag in his teeth atop the Speaker’s rostrum in the House Chamber,” wrote Capitol Police Lt. Robert Leguizamo in a police report detailing Dry Bones’s misdeeds. “When struck by a police baton in an effort to cease his thrashing, Dry Bones fell to pieces, attempting to play dead and evade capture. Momentarily convinced, law enforcement officers moved to apprehend other subjects, at which time Dry Bones shuddered, then resumed his original form, shouting something about states’ rights before being tackled to the ground. Each of his pieces were then tagged and bagged individually so as to prevent reassembly or escape.”
As of this reporting, Dry Bones has been found guilty on all counts and is awaiting sentencing with a maximum penalty of public execution by Bob-Omb Blast mini-game.
Any time an act of gun violence occurs, some stuffed-shirt in D.C. suggests that banning violent video games is the solution instead of, ya know, enacting literally any gun control laws. This has been going on since the early ’90s when Sub-Zero pulled out his first spine in a fatality and, despite years of research, no direct correlation has been made between real life gun violence and the violence we see in video games.
That is until just today.
Kyle Rittenhouse, who in August 2020 crossed several state lines with an assault-style firearm he was too young to purchase to then shoot and kill two protesters while injuring another, is entering the games industry. Jesus Christ! In a video released Thursday, Rittenhouse announced his new video game “Kyle Rittenhouse’s Turkey Shoot.” Yes, what looks like a joke we would have made up is a real game that you can, but absolutely shouldn’t, pre-order for $9.99.
So I concede. After years of arguing back and forth with conservatives, there is finally actual evidence of a correlation between gun violence and video game violence. It turns out that if you are acquitted for murdering two people with a gun, you will be lifted up as a hero by their voter base and be given a large enough platform to do whatever you want which includes developing violent video games. I guess real life violence leads to digital violence. Won’t someone think of the gamers?
The short amount of footage in the pathetic video showcases the player as Rittenhouse donning the same sweaty green t-shirt and tan backwards hat he was wearing when he killed Joseph Rosenbaum, 36, and Anthony Huber, 26, and wounded Gaige Grosskreutz, 27. Except this time, he is running around like a Contra soldier shooting a swarm of cartoon turkeys with the phrase “fake news” inexplicably painted on them, as if they just stepped out of a Thanksgiving-themed Ben Garrison political cartoon about trans people causing inflation.
This limited gameplay we’ve been given appears to have somewhat janky animation with not a lot of weight to the action. It’s possible this is simply an early build and gameplay elements will be subject to change, but ultimately the loop of running back and forth dragging a cursor across a single enemy-type does feel to be a bit shallow. The game doesn’t appear worth pre-ordering at this time.
You’d also be supporting someone who shot and killed two people. So there is that too.
If you’re the kind of person who loves to retell weird video game myths as an icebreaker at parties (you Scott Pilgrim-looking fool), I’ve got some bad news: Yuji Naka has taken one of your best conversation pieces by casually confirming that Michael Jackson did indeed write music for Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles.
For decades, rumors have circulated that the King of Pop had some involvement in Sonic 3. It gained traction as a fan theory over the years, as YouTubers put out videos pointing out the similarities between tracks like Michael Jackson’s Jam and Sonic’s Carnival Night Zone Act 1. The theory became so popular that websites like The Huffington Post began running thorough investigations into the subject, which really highlights the unhinged power of the Sonic community.
But decades of tireless journalism are no match for someone just randomly tweeting on a Thursday morning. That’s exactly what went down as gaming legend Yuji Naka, who produced Sonic 3, tweeted about the newly released Sonic Origins collection this morning. “Oh my god, the music for Sonic 3 has changed, even though SEGA Official uses Michael Jackson’s music,” Naka tweeted. He quickly followed up that Earth-shattering revelation with a picture of him hanging out next to a Pontiac Fiero.
Oh my god, the music for Sonic 3 has changed, even though SEGA Official uses Michael Jackson's music.
Naka’s tweet is the first time the story has been officially confirmed. While The Huffington Post claimed to have confirmation straight from the game’s composers in 2016, Sega itself never publicly addressed the rumors. I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want the world to know that Michael Jackson was heavily involved in a video game for children.
It’s a bit of a bittersweet moment. The gaming industry only has a handful of urban legends left that add to its mystique. We already lost the best one we had when a Canadian documentary team uncovered the long-rumored Atari E.T. landfill. What’s left for us to speculate on now that we know for a fact that Michael Jackson spent some portion of his storied life pondering what hedgehog music should sound like? Perhaps some secrets are left buried.
Team Fortress 2, the team-based multiplayer shooter that’s almost old enough to drive at this point, received an update today that fixed some of the issues that have plagued the game for the past few years. This update seems to be in response to the community decrying the game’s issues after next to no fixes had come for the problems plaguing the game (mainly servers being full to the brim with bots). It looks like with this update, the game can finally be playable again.
Well, kinda playable. I mean, sorta playable. If you squint enough.
Send in the bots
TF2 has been in a bit of a weird spot the last few years. The last major update for the game was the Jungle Inferno update in 2017, and besides the yearly Halloween Scream Fortress events there hasn’t been a lot of new content for fans to grasp onto. Frankly it’s incredible the game was still getting updated in 2017 ten years after release, when most games now get taken out behind the shed with a shovel and a shotgun once they hit the ripe old age of three – if they’re lucky. Since 2017 there’s only been rumors about the next major update, along with a very dedicated twitter account keeping the community informed.
no
— Heavy Update Out Yet (@HeavyUpdateOut) June 17, 2022
Following the source code for the game leaking in April 2020 and, you know, the whole pandemic business happening at the same time, it seemed that Valve had officially put the languishing free-to-play game on the backburner in favor of other projects going forward. As a result, TF2 became a wasteland with bots inheriting its lifeless corpse. It was basically like hanging out in a scene from Terminator Salvation.
Even though the game has seemingly been on life support for a while, dedicated players (yes, they still exist) got more vocal about the distressing state of the game. Fans came together with the purpose of getting Valve’s attention on the matter, #savetf2 started trending on Twitter, a bunch of content creators no one has heard of in years came crawling out of the woodwork to promote their brand help save the game and one Redditor tried to bring attention to it by going to Valve HQ itself.
And you know what? It seemed to be working. At the end of May, the official TF2 Twitter page put out a message for the first time in two years saying that the devs were actively working on the problem. Now here we are, one month later and there is finally an update to the game addressing the problems.
Did it fix every problem? No. Did it fix some of the problems? Ehhh, a little bit.
Too medium, too fucking finally
The latest patch, outside of a few standard bug fixes and updated localization files, appears to be a band-aid on a bullet wound, but it’s a good start for fixing TF2. The changes that stand out include now preventing names from being changed during matchmaking games, which had previously been used as a way for bots to dodge vote kicks, and allowing both teams to vote kick players at the same time, which should help speed up the process of eradicating the Matrix-style bot plague.
Gotta give the bots credit, I haven’t been able to get a friend to come over to game with me in a decade.
It’s not so much a case of ‘too little, too late’ so much as it’s a case of ‘too medium, too fucking finally.’ While it hasn’t fixed every issue the game has by far, it’s a good tiptoe in the right direction for the life of the game. More importantly, it’s brought back a little bit of faith that Valve isn’t going to completely abandon TF2, and that more updates to fix the problems will come.
Maybe that’ll be enough to keep sustaining the game for another decade, maybe it will prove to be beyond repair and slowly fade away, maybe this will finally start getting people to stop confusing TF2 with TF2. But hey, at least it’s not as fucked up as that game. Only time will tell, but since Team Fortress 2 has survived at least nine or ten ‘TF2 Killers’ over the years, I’m fairly certain that the game will live longer than I will out of sheer stubbornness.
Regardless, I’ll see you all in 2034 when the new Heavy Update gets announced.
It’s still June, which means you are socially obligated to give LGBTQ+ folks and weebs a goddamn break and let us pretend for a few more days that the characters we love might actually live up to our Wattpad fanfic fantasies. So here are the top 5 queer coded anime characters that you simply cannot deny, at least until July 1st:
#5 — Kaworu Nagisa (Neon Genesis Evangelion)
Kaworu is probably the most likely person on this list to be canonically LGBTQ+, assuming you don’t ask anyone at Netflix. Since his faithful declaration of love for Shinji Ikariin episode 24 — way back in 1996, mind you — queer Evangelion fans have shipped the angelic teen and the show’s protagonist, ignoring the fact that Kaworu only appeared in a single episode (and also promptly died). Well, we are going to keep ignoring those details and continue to ship them, dammit, and if you tell us we’re wrong you better be prepared for the gayest twitter ratio-ing of your life. Just look how happy Shinji is when they hang out!!
#4 — Ursula (Kiki’s Delivery Service)
Any Hayao Miyazaki fan who spent even a second of time on Tumblr circa 2015 can likely let you know that Ursula isn’t straight. In fact, some have gone as far as declaring the artistic supporting character a “true forest lesbian.” If you don’t let our sapphic readers bask in the fleeting thought of Ursula not being cishet, you are not an ally, and that isn’t up for debate this month. God, she’s so cool.
#3 — L (Death Note)
L is a mysterious and iconoclastic detective determined to put a stop to Kira. Why do we think L is queer, you ask? Well, hard to say. We just get those vibes and like L’s hair. But who are you to say we’re wrong? You don’t know L’s life. Why does it matter so much to you for him to be straight? Maybe you’re the weird one here.
#2 — Piccolo (Dragon Ball Z)
Piccolo is famously green, which is one of the colors of the rainbow pride flag. If you even so much as try to tell me this handsome hunk isn’t gay, I will hunt you down. Piccolo is all I have in this wretched world.
#1 — Every single Jojo character (JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure)
Strike a pose! We are officially declaring that every single fucking character in Jojo is queer and an active member of the New York City ballroom scene. Who cares if the series takes place all over the world across different time periods? Are you going to tell us half of this show isn’t just high camp and vogueing? Go on, we dare you.
LOS ANGELES — Fans of the long-running period drama The Duke’s Mansion were shocked this week when Countess Allegra Maria Van Smoot quietly coughed into a small silk handkerchief.
“I was like OMG,” reported superfan Stanley Trout, the mod of r/DukesMansion. “When the countess coughed, I felt my legs go weak. She’s been such a rock throughout the show, so to see her practically announce that she’s on her deathbed was heartbreaking.”
Countess Van Smoot’s possible fate harkens back to last season’s hype around the death of Johnny van Smoot. That character died in the First World War after declaring that he had a sweetheart back home he was going to marry when the war was over.
“With Johnny’s death, we knew we had to up the ante,” said Victor Teller, showrunner of The Duke’s Mansion. “We knew it was time to bring out the big guns and have fan favorite Allegra Van Smoot do a tiny cough to end the midseason on a huge cliffhanger.”
Sally Balloon, the actress who plays Allegra, has been in the role since she was a teenager and feels that now is the perfect time to move on.
“I’ve been on the show for fifteen years,” said Balloon in a recent interview with Period Drama Monthly. “I’ve been married, widowed, lost a child in childbirth, survived the sinking of the Titanic, hosted a dinner party for the King. There’s not really much more for me to do in the Mansion. Also, I recently got cast as a Marvel superhero so that’s probably going to take up a lot of my time going forward.”
While the show won’t be back on the air until the spring, fans have been trying to avoid recent leaks on Reddit that reveal that Aleggra’s cough is just the first stage of Balloon’s final run of episodes that will conclude with her being hit by a car.
TOKYO — Square Enix has revealed its first ever real life fashion collection, and early reports have confirmed that it’s mostly just zippers.
“Oh wow, look at that, such gorgeous design,” remarked one onlooker at the exhibit, gazing upon a pile of loose zippers that was prominently displayed. “Square Enix, and specifically Tetsuya Nomura, understand that most fashion is boring, and the places where things intersect, that’s where the magic happens. Belts, zippers, these are the only parts of fashion even worth considering seriously. I’m so glad I’ll soon be able to spend a half hour zipping myself up in the morning like all of my favorite Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts characters.”
Some gamers in attendance were confused by the nature of the event.
“I love Final Fantasy and shit like that, but I guess I didn’t realize what was going on here,” said a confused spectator. “I thought we’d see some cool gowns or battle armor or something. But a woman just walked out on the runway wearing nothing but zippers and everyone is acting like this is normal. This is not normal. This is way too many zippers.”
Famed character designer Tetsuya Nomura defended his continued dwelling on zippers and belts.
“People love this shit, what can I say,” he said. “Donald Duck was an endearing character, wonderfully designed, but you know what he was missing? A fucking long fucking zipper that ran down his whole hat, you know what I’m saying?”
As of press time, the fashion show had come to a halt as several models were taking an inexplicably long time in the bathroom.
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Skateboarding legend Tony Hawk has revealed that Activision Blizzard has canceled any plans for a Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 HD remake after research confirmed its release could possibly generate positive feelings about their company, even if just for a moment.
“Yeah they got real weird when I started telling them how stoked everyone was going to be about it,” said Hawk, legendary athlete and titular star of the beloved franchise. “All the guys in suits, and they were all guys, started looking real concerned and starting whispering among themselves. After their little huddle was over they told me they didn’t think they could move forward with the project. I’m confused, are they, like, somehow forced to only do largely unpopular stuff these days or what? What’s going on there?”
Gamers were widely disappointed at the cancellation of the game they thought would be a certainty.
“You’re fucking kidding me,” said Larry Howe, a gamer that enjoyed 2020’s Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2. “I thought with how well the first one turned out and was received it was inevitable. Leave it to Activision Blizzard to fumble the biggest possible automatic ‘W’ in gaming history. Maybe we’ll get a pay-to-win mobile version in five years if we’re really lucky, huh?”
Executives from Activision Blizzard defended their decision.
“I know people won’t like this, but well, that’s how we do business around here,” said Brian Kelly, chairman of Activision Blizzard. “I’m afraid between the underwhelming Overwatch 2 news and all that time we’re spending being found guilty of sexual harassment and pregnancy discrimination by the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, we just have a ton going on around here these days. I’m afraid we just don’t have the time or resources to crush the easiest home run you’ve ever seen. Priorities, you know?”
As of press time, there will almost certainly be some new fucked up story about a harassment or mandatory crunch on a project coming out about Activision Blizzard any day now.
