Nintendo Direct Mini: Here Are the Games You Can Spam in Chat Because They Won’t Be on the Stream

Posted on by Minus World

Finally, the long anticipated June Nintendo Direct is happening. Well, sort of. It’s true that there is a Nintendo Direct happening on June 28 at 9 a.m. ET, but it’s most assuredly not going to be the stream that leaves fans salivating like sick little dogs. That’s because the show isn’t a proper Nintendo Direct, but a Nintendo Direct Mini Partner Showcase.

What does that mean? It means you aren’t seeing any of the games you want to see tomorrow. This 25 minute stream, broadcast on Nintendo’s Twitch and YouTube, will only focus on third-party games from Nintendo’s partners. While there’s still plenty of exciting games that could appear during the show, that won’t stop 10-year olds from complaining in chat as Square Enix shows off another esoteric RPG remake.

But hey, don’t let us stop you. In fact, we’ll help you prepare for tomorrow. Here are all the games that you can spam in chat tomorrow, none of which will actually show up on the stream.

Breath of the Wild 2??

Type it all you want in chat. Go ahead. Write it a million times. This ain’t Candyman. The sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild has a 0% chance of appearing during tomorrow’s stream, so keep praying. Hell, you won’t even see a remake of Oracle of Ages/Season, which leakers seem to think is in development. The only way you’re going to see Link during tomorrow’s broadcast is if Nintendo sticks him in another Hyrule Warriors game.

Mario Odyssey 2??

No chance in hell, champ. While there’s probably a sequel to Super Mario Odyssey coming in the next year or two, there won’t be a trace of it during tomorrow’s stream. Instead, you’re likely going to see Ubisoft’s Mario + Rabbids: Sparks of Hope, an actual third-party game. But hey, if you’re a streamer, don’t let that stop you from jumping and screaming when Mario’s hat appears on screen.

Mario Kart 9??

While there’s no way you’ll see Mario Kart 9 tomorrow, I’m positive you’ll see at least one Mario Kart clone at the show. Maybe it’ll be Disney Speedstorm. Maybe it’ll be a console port of Apple Arcade’s King of the Hill racing game (yes, that is a real thing). Whatever it is, you can take the moment it appears to make a sarcastic Mario Kart 9 joke in chat along with 1,000 other people. Get your chuckles in as it’s wiped off screen in .1 seconds.

Metroid Prime 4??

Riddle me this: How can Metroid Prime 4 appear on this stream when it doesn’t exist? But look, don’t worry. If you’re planning on watching this stream so you can say “Mommy??” in chat, there’s a good chance Bayonetta 3 shows up on this stream. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll wear her Samus amiibo costume from Bayonetta 2.

Mother 3??

You are more likely to see Grand Theft Auto 6 at this showcase than you are Mother 3. Seriously, feel free to type GTA6 in the chat. It will be a more useful contribution in this specific case than typing “Mother 3.” In fact, there’s currently a rumor that Red Dead Redemption 2 might be getting a Switch port, which could appear during this show. If that sounds insane, it is still more realistic than ever seeing Mother 3 appear on a modern Nintendo console.

Three Years After Release, ‘Ape Out’ Remains the Premiere Beat-Up-A-Bunch-Of-Cops-As-An-Ape Gaming Experience

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Today we look back on a personal favorite indie release of ours: Ape Out. Well it’s three years later and we can safely say that, while many have tried, nothing has quite captured the sheer thrill of bopping around and just terrorizing every damn last security guard you see all while one of the best soundtracks you’ll ever hear in a video game literally responds to your actions onscreen.  

Still don’t believe us? Okay, fine. Let’s take a look at the competition and figure what is definitively the #1 game in the esteemed Beat-Up-A-Bunch-Of-Cops-As-An-Ape genre.

Ape Escape — Absolutely crucial as fuck in the lineage of ape games, but nary an authority figure in sight to pummel and no jazz soundtrack that is literally orchestrated by your violence. Ape Out gets the nod here, based on the criteria at hand.

The Animals — Naughty Dog’s emotional action/adventure game had a lot of people thinking it might unseat Ape Out when it was released, but while the narrative was well written and the combat absolutely exquisite, there was no sick-ass jazz drumming soundtrack, so that really sets it back a few notches. While many lauded the exclusion of one of the fundamental aspects of the genre, an innovation akin to Samus Aran being able to move in either direction at the beginning of Metroid, I personally missed the cool drums. (By the way; the fucking humans are the real “animals”! Whoa!)

An Ape Plays Jazz Drums — This one is so close, yet so far. Honestly, it’s insane that this was also a video game. Ape stuff, check. Jazz drums, check. But the thing is: here you’re not an ape running around just fucking throwing guys into other guys and knocking motherfuckers out and blowing shit up and then sometimes you grab one guy and use him as a human shield and he’s still shooting his gun so he starts fucking shooting the other guys that are shooting at you and then you throw the human shield against the wall and it explodes. No, you are just a young ape named Sherman trying to learn jazz drums in time for the big recital at the end of the week. It’s fun and charming, just a little underwhelming post-Ape Out. 

Cabela’s Big Game Hunter Presents: Ape’s Revenge — Honestly, this one rips. But using a shotgun to mow down hunters while Ted Nugent songs play isn’t nearly as graceful an experience as teeing off on half a dozen cops at once like Jackie Chan in his prime while the jazz drum soundtrack being generated perfectly scores the action on-screen. 

Halo 2 — This massive sequel to 2001’s Halo sees Master Chief and the Arbiter battling it out with the genocidal Covenant in an effort to save humanity and is one of the most popular video games of all time. However, you do not play as a single ape, there’s no jazz music, and you don’t battle it out with any cops. 

Well, there you have it. Ape Out is still at the top of the mountain. There hasn’t been a game before or since this groundbreaking 2019 masterpiece that has synergized fluid controls, gorgeous presentation, an innovative premise, and an immersive soundtrack anywhere near as well as this. Or maybe there has been, I don’t fuckin’ know. I’ve been playing Ape Out.

As you may have been able to tell, this article was sponsored by Devolver Digital! If you don’t agree with our argument in this article, we recommend you check out Ape Out and decide for yourself, damn it. It’s 75% off on Steam right friggin now and you can get it for less than $4. Go ahead, try to find a better deal on a classic Beat-Up-A-Bunch-Of-Cops-As-An-Ape game.

Make-A-Wish Foundation Lets Twisted Metal Fan Drive Ice Cream Truck Into River of Lava

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

ESCUINTLA, Guatemala — The Make-A-Wish Foundation has caused some controversy this week, as they recently let a young Twisted Metal fan steer an ice cream truck into a river of lava. 

“Oh my, this is just like that video game that he plays so much,” said Holly Connor, referencing her critically ill son who plays 1996’s Twisted Metal 2 almost daily. “I’m not sure why Ashton loves that game so much, but it’s his favorite thing in the world. This is so special, what they’ve done for him. And to paint that ice cream truck to look just like Sweet Tooth’s, that is just a perfect touch.” 

“Is my son going to be okay?” she added, watching the ice cream truck submerge into the lava. 

The nonprofit organization, which helps fulfill wishes of children with critical illnesses, sprang into action, and a helicopter crew rescued the boy from the smoldering ice cream truck before it disintegrated entirely, the boy’s wish of playing Twisted Metal in real life having been achieved

“I wanna go again!” said young Ashton, after all crew and spectators had been escorted away from the volcanic area. “That was just like in the game! They let me run over a guy on a motorcycle!” 

Many questioned if the good intentions of the Make-A-Wish Foundation had gone too far in recreating gameplay from the iconic vehicular combat game. 

“Look, meeting John Cena or running around on an NBA court, I get that,” said Troy Gandy, Ashton’s stepfather, who thought the whole trip to Guatemala was a little much. “But they’re letting kids fulfill fantasies from violent video games now? What happens when a kid asks them for a bazooka or something? I don’t really want to be in town when a kid that likes Fornite is Make-A-Wishing, you know what I mean?”

As of press time, the Make-A-Wish Foundation had worried many residents of Los Angeles by beginning to construct a series of ramps on the city’s rooftops.

DC Universe Editors Scramble to Somehow Make The Flash the Villain of ‘The Flash’

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Following a series of high-profile controversies and arrests involving star Ezra Miller, editors of the upcoming DC Extended Universe film The Flash are frantically trying to reshape the narrative to make the titular star into the antagonist of the film. 

“Fuck, man,” said Paul Machliss, editor of The Flash, after reading the new Rolling Stone report about the allegations that Miller is keeping three children in an unsafe environment littered with guns and loose bullets, which comes just two months after Miller was arrested for throwing a chair at a woman, which came just weeks after being arrested at a bar and charged with harassment and disorderly conduct, which came just a year after video surfaced of Miller choking a woman in Sweden. “What the fuck is going on? Do you know what they’ve asked me to do? I’m supposed to make The Flash the villain of The Flash. I’m ruined! Ironically, I can’t believe how fast this all happened.” 

Despite the negative morale surrounding the project’s new direction, DC executives were optimistic that the film could be salvaged with a little reworking of the story.

“There are always going to be obstacles to making a tentpole picture, even one with a well known character like The Flash,” said Walter Hamada, President of DC Films. “Sometimes one of your actors can’t shave their mustache. Sometimes, just as another random example, the star of one of your biggest upcoming movies seemingly decides to just do any fucked up thing they could think of for an entire year. Obstacles like that, you know? Nevertheless, we’re thinking we can whack something together here where The Flash is actually the bad guy. Good thing we ripped off the Spider-Man movie and are rounding old Batman’s for this one.” 

Many have speculated that it might be best to leave the film as is and part ways with Miller moving forward. 

“Look, we understand you started planning this movie and cast them as The Flash years before all of this shit,” said Brianne Cunningham, a DCEU fan. “But you can’t keep this gig and act that way. I think you should just turn The Flash into a bad guy somehow and maybe the Justice League can beat him up for an hour and a half. That sounds pretty good, to be honest.” 

At press time, executives at Warner Bros. were reportedly mulling over if anyone would care or notice if they just played the 1966 Batman movie in showings of The Flash.

The 5 Weirdest Games You Can Waste Your Money on in the Steam Summer Sale

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

The Steam Summer Sale is afoot which means it is time to collectively empty our wallets on a bunch of games that will sit in our backlog to later be joined by even more unplayed games in the next big Steam sale. Reputable sites may recommend some of the featured items such as Dying Light 2: Stay Human which was released this year and is 33% off. 

Not us though. Fuck that noise. 

We scrolled to the very bottom of the list to pull out some of the weirdest picks we could find for you to waste your hard-earned cash on. They’re very strange, but have some positive reviews. Maybe they’re actually good! I wouldn’t know! I haven’t played any of them. How about you tell us after you’ve played them?

The Franz Kafka Videogame | Under $1

Hideo Kojima… Tim Schafer… Franz Kafka. These are the brilliant minds you think of when it comes to writing and video games. This puzzle adventure game follows the writings of Bohemian novelist and short-story writer, Franz Kafka. Some of the works tapped into for this point-and-click are “The Castle,” “The Metamorphosis,” and “Amerika.” Tap things on screen in the correct order while facing existential dread and questioning your own place in this dull world. The game is 90% off putting it under a dollar which you’ll have maybe even earned back while playing this on your work computer occasionally checking Slack for new notifications.

Fingered | Under $1

I hate to burst your bubble, but no, this isn’t what you think. This is a Guess Who-style game where you have a police lineup of suspects while you’re fed descriptive info from the witnesses who may or may not be reliable. More importantly, the game comes from Edmund McMillen, the creator of one of the most popular roguelikes of all time—The Binding of Isaac. That very much comes across in the off-putting character designs and thick bold outlining. The game has you fingering the guilty party and sending them to the electric chair. Were you right? Eh … not your concern really. This one’s also down to just under a dollar so it’s also not much of a concern whether it’s that good or not. Great excuse to have a video game called Fingered in your library.

Lumberjack’s Dynasty | $10

There are many obscure simulator games that put you in unique blue-collar jobs like landscaping or being a goat with a jetpack. Lumberjack’s Dynasty has you embodying a young lumberjack as the title implies having just moved into the valley to start their logging business. Harvest wood, build and design buildings with wood, drive vehicles carrying wood, get married (to wood presumably), and have kids (possibly made of wood) to take over the family business you started from scratch. These simulation games have never done much for me. Though this one being 50% does have me going, “hey …maybe!”

My Child Lebensborn | $6

Okay, this is one you should actually consider buying in earnest. This game is based on a true and fucked-up program put in place in Nazi Germany which you can google yourself after reading this article. The game has you step into the shoes of the adoptive parent of either Karin or Klaus. Read them bedtime stories, wash their face, serve them breakfast, and help them navigate a world that hates them and they’re very existence. It’s 30% off for the sale and is the one on this list I’m most likely to sincerely play. I mean, it beat out Celeste (and the Nintendo Labo?) for a BAFTA award. That’s no small task. 

Leisure Suit Larry: Wet Dreams Dry Twice | $9

Yeah that’s right. They’re apparently still making Leisure Suit Larry games. In 2020 we received the latest release starring this kooky misogynist in Wet Dreams Dry Twice. To give a preview of what you’re getting into, the trailer opens up with Larry complaining he can’t pass through a heavily-forested area as a disembodied female voice asks, “when has a thick bush ever stopped you?” It appears to be mimicking the style of a LucasArts point-and-click with roundabout solutions like inflating a blowup sex doll by sticking the oral valve in the end of a glory hole. I do suppose that’s a little more straightforward than using a monkey as a wrench because of a silly pun. The game is a solid 75% which is 6% more than a game like this should have been.

 

ACME Union Head Mysteriously Crushed By Anvil

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — The union head for weapons and supply company ACME mysteriously vanished two weeks ago, with authorities finally finding his body squashed by an anvil last night.

“This is the third union head we’ve lost to unknown circumstances in the past year,” said ACME employee Robert Cromwell. “Our first president was found flattened by a steamroller in February and his replacement was eventually discovered smushed on a fake tunnel painted into a wall. They’ve tried to protect themselves, but their guns and rifles are always found twisted into a pretzel later on. Dynamite was also supplied to some union members, but somehow the fuses were accidentally looped back around behind them without them noticing.”

ACME’s Chief Executive Officer, Caldwell Donahue, expressed his condolences for the union leader.

“I just hope we can learn from this,” Donahue said. “The union started having these outrageous demands like for their insurance to cover falling grand pianos, or to receive paid time off for time spent crawling out of a ravine they had been catapulted into. It was just ludicrous, and I think someone likely got fed up with his leadership and took matters into their own hands. I’m distraught, and I want to apologize to our customers whose rocket skates may be on backorder while we sort this issue out.”

Albuquerque Police Chief Marcus Leathers have insight into his side of the investigation.

“It’s a little tricky to piece together,” Leathers said. “The body was flattened like a pancake, and waddled around as a circle with eyes for a few moments before passing. Officers discovered no trace of bird seed to lure the victim in, nor a large red ‘C’ on the premises, but we have yet to rule out foul play.”

At press time, homicide detectives reported no leads save for a small ‘HELP’ sign and tiny umbrella located in the desert.

Nintendo Announces Upcoming “Everything But Breath of the Wild 2” Themed Nintendo Direct

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — Following recent features focusing on upcoming independent releases and everything related to Xenoblade Chronicles 3, Nintendo has revealed the theme for their next Nintendo Direct will be “Everything But Breath of the Wild 2.” 

“I think gamers are going to be really excited about this one, we’re going to cover pretty much everything” said Shuntaro Furukawa, CEO of Nintendo. “From Metroid to Mario, from Pikmin to Pilotwings. Every single Nintendo IP you’ve ever heard of and then certainly some you’ve forgotten about will be addressed, except for Zelda, you see. Also, please note that most of these so-called updates will be us telling you there is no new news or plans for any of these things, but you know, we thought you’d like to know there’s no Excitebike game coming out or anything.” 

Gamers everywhere were disappointed with the confirmation that the next Nintendo Direct will not feature any updates about the highly anticipated sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild that was first announced in 2019. 

“Why even tell us about it three years ago if you were going to keep torturing us afterwards?” asked Alan Blaine, one of many outspoken Nintendo fans clamoring for an update on the game. “And why do you keep making these hyper-specific Nintendo Direct announcements? I didn’t need a half hour presentation to tell me I was gonna have to buy a subscription service if I wanted to play all of Xenoblade Chronicles 3, I would have just assumed that.” 

As of press time, another surprise Nintendo Direct was announced for tomorrow afternoon that will focus on what Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser just had for lunch, and what he might be getting for lunch the following day.

Joe Rogan Announces Revamp of Fear Factor Where Contestants Take His Health Advice

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

LOS ANGELES — In a television revival sure to thrill, scare, and disgust millions, NBC announced this week that they are renewing Fear Factor, only this time the dangerous stunts will exclusively involve taking health advice from host Joe Rogan. 

“Much like the original show format, six contestants will vie for a grand prize, completing terrifying challenges and eating gross foods that push our contenders to their limits,” said NBC executive Xavier Mondell. “This time though, Joe is calling all the shots, including which ones our contestants are not allowed to get.”

In a 30-second teaser released by the network, Rogan is heard announcing the first challenge of the pilot, which features contestants trying to follow his famed carnivore diet of only meat and fruit for a month while also taking daily doses of horse dewormer. The finalists — the two people who go the longest without explosive diarrhea — then head to a sauna set to 200 degrees Fahrenheit, where a winner is declared based on who remains conscious for longer. The ominous clip ends with an ambulance siren blaring and a voiceover of Rogan telling a person being wheeled away on a gurney to “be the hero of your own story.”

While Rogan could not be reached for comment, as he was on an Ayahuasca retreat in the Peruvian Amazon, his agent Paul Watnick said the podcast host was thrilled for this chance to make right his history of health misinformation. 

“Joe recognizes the influence he holds over millions of dedicated fans around the world, which is exactly why this Fear Factor revival is so important,” said Watnick. “Viewers can decide for themselves what aspects of Joe Rogan’s advice they feel alpha enough to try — the freedom to make health decisions based on a podcaster’s opinion is what makes America so amazing! Of course, we’ll also have disclaimers like Jackass did, only ours will run through the entire episode on the bottom third of the screen, so legally we’re totally shielded from any liability.”

At press time, the still-unaired Fear Factor had already racked up a massive cult following and been linked to at least twenty fan hospitalizations.

Ted Cruz Reveals the Secret Trick That Helps Him Win Pay-to-Win Games

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Texas Senator Ted Cruz recently outed himself as an expert gamer, revealing his signature trick he’s used to gain a competitive advantage in games that offer you a competitive advantage if you give them money: he gives them a bunch of his money. 

“You can buy in-game items and make your character stronger or get advantages,” said Cruz on a recent episode of his podcast that reportedly exists. “I’ll confess, I buy it because it’s a lot more fun if suddenly your character has a lot of great stuff that would take you six to twelve months to build up. People like me are what keep a lot of really fun games free to play, so everyone should probably be thanking me.” 

The information was startling to many on Twitter, who were previously unaware of Cruz’s gaming bona fides. 

“Wow, I have said a lot of mean things about that man in the past,” said Ellen Goode, one of many Twitter users surprised by the news. “Like how he’s the walking embodiment of the moral decay of our country’s soul, and that his is a strain of evil so vile it makes me depressed to see how low we can sink as a species, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t outsmart the video game industry buy simply paying for some better loot. Maybe this guy isn’t such a dipshit after all.”

Constituents of Cruz’s said the behavior is consistent with what he’s displayed as a Senator. 

“Look, some people have more than others, and that’s just a fact,” said Eddie Burkholder, a Cruz supporter. “Some people can afford the best tanks in World of Tanks, and some people are stuck driving their Tier-1’s around. Some people can afford to go to Cancun while others literally freeze in the dark. The elite get a better experience, whether we’re talking about video games or real life. I’m not sure why this is news to anyone.“

As of press time, Cruz had accidentally liked, retweeted, and made a banner profile picture out of a pornographic drawing featuring characters from Genshin Impact.

Minecraft Community in Shambles After Discovering Consequences for Yelling at Children Online

Posted on by Zachery Eubanks

Microsoft dropped a new 1.19.1 update for Minecraft, which allows users to report each other in game for violating community standards. The rules that could result in a ban are pretty standard: no bullying, no hate speech, no doxxing, no soliciting sex in a game that is mostly played by children. You know, stuff that most well-adjusted people wouldn’t do anyways.

And then there’s Reddit, which is built differently. The Minecraft subreddit is currently in full “this is literally 1984” meltdown mode.

“I remember when minecraft was the game where no one could tell you what you could and couldn’t do,” posted one capitol-G Gamer about the video game where you play with building blocks.

Players’ main frustration seems to come from the fact that a ban won’t just remove users from public servers, they’ll get kicked from private servers as well. “How can this be legal? You can pay for the game, pay for the server, and then be denied access to it permanently? Is that not some kind of denial of service after payment is performed?” said one Redditor who I’d wager scrolls through any Terms of Service page they’re served and clicks accept without reading a word.

But why, you might ask through tears while clutching your Minecraft Steve body pillow, would they do this to us? According to various commenters, “Micro$oft” (sic) has a plot to ban good hard working crafters so that they are forced to buy new accounts. “Microsoft doesn’t care about children’s safety out of their own morals,” posits one poster, “they care about it because if they don’t they’ll lose sales, which means less super yachts per year for the executives.” Yes, if you don’t support crafters’ freedom to doxx children, you are the 1%.

Look, I’ll level with you. Some of these changes are going to result in frustration for private server owners, whether or not those servers have kids in them. It’s not clear how content moderation will work and if Microsoft will be able to separate real reports from trolls before handing out permabans. In theory, people should be able to just play a game with their friends on their own private servers. 

However, the current reaction is Peak Gamer. Some are encouraging others to harass Microsoft employees and their support lines (a classic). Others are genuinely clueless (or feigning ignorance) about the fact that reports include context. “Imagine someone asking where spawn is and helping them by saying ‘just kill yourself and find out’. This might result in you not being able to access multiplayer for a while,” one user notes as a justification for letting users say “kill yourself” wholesale.

Despite Redditors painting the game as a libertarian utopia, Microsoft isn’t “sanitizing” the rude cold world of Minecraft. It’s making sure that you aren’t an asshole.