Dear Elden Ring, Let Me Pet This Fucker

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

Hello Elden Ring, I’m writing to you because I see that you’ve been patching yourself quite a bit lately. You’ve nerfed this weapon, you’ve buffed that spell. You’ve left Rivers of Blood alone because you know that move is perfect as is. Yet, you continue to be obstinate when it comes to implementing quality of life features that most PS2 games even have. 

I can look past all of that if you just give me the option to pet one of those giant nasty dogs.

You can continue to require me to make a group with a secret password, pull out one of the several severed fingers I have in my item menu and wait while your server S L O W L Y finds the two other people that have the secret password to let them enter my world so we can play fifteen minutes of co-op together if you just gave me the ability to give that huge ass blood drenched K9 some scritches.

I don’t need a menu full of options, difficulty modes or a story that’s not conveyed mostly through obtuse item descriptions and British people saying the vaguest shit between maniacal cackles. I only ask that you give me a button prompt that says “press blank (I’m sure you’ll pick the weirdest button possible) to pet” when I walk up to one of those massive honkin’ pustule covered hounds.

Hell, I’ll meet you halfway. Make me go through a vague quest line where I have to run into some weirdo named “Mutt, The Lamentor of Crevices” in three random places I’d never think to look once I reach eight arbitrary milestones. After all that, he can hand me an item called “The Phosphorous Paper Weight of Dog Interfacing” that allows me to pet those bad boys. You can even make it where after I pet one some inscrutable logo pops up underneath my health bar and I have to spend several hours pouring over a reddit thread to figure out what it means.

Look FromSoft, I get that the reason you’re so successful is BECAUSE you refuse to kowtow to convention. That’s why hardcore Dark Souls fans adore you, while the haters feel like someone’s playing a cruel prank on them. You flick your cigarette butt in the eye of conformity and blaze your own trail. But sometimes, it can be a little exhausting putting up with your rebellious ways. Sometimes it’s nice to be conventional and give players just one traditionally satisfying feature that everyone can enjoy.

Just throw me a bone and let me pet that fucker.

Man Who Forgot Wife’s Birthday Still Knows GTA 3 No Stars Cheat Code By Heart

Posted on by Sam LiButti

PHILADELPHIA — A local woman reports that her husband, who has never once in 25 years of marriage remembered her birthday, somehow still knows the Grand Theft Auto 3 “no stars” cheat code by heart.

“It’s not just this. Hank is constantly forgetting anniversaries and missing important events, really anything that is not related to video games,” said the wife in question, Martha Blubert, as she drew up divorce documents to be served immediately following the interview. “It has put a serious amount of stress on our relationship.” 

Blubert also claimed that, even when her husband does show up for her, his obsession still manages to ruin the occasion. 

“He knows the dialogue for the cutscenes of the entire Grand Theft Auto franchise by heart and can recite you the Game Genie code booklet, but he forgot our vows entirely! On the altar he just said, ‘I love you up up down down left right left right start select’ and then just kept repeating it over and over, muttering to himself, ‘It’s not working, I swear I put it in right, maybe it’s select before start?’ I’ve tried to work through it but he refuses to go to couples counseling. He says he ‘doesn’t have an extra controller to accommodate a third player.’ I’m at the end of my rope here.”

Hank Blubert insisted that all of this information remained completely vital and far more important to remember than something silly like his wife’s birthday and the name of his son. 

“Listen man, when your GameShark disc is scratched up and your life’s on the line, what are you going to do? For people like you, you’d be entirely fucked. But me? I don’t need a GameShark, I AM the GameShark.” Mr.Blubert then began walking around the room with his hand atop his head mimicking a fin and humming the NES Jaws theme, refusing to stop for the better part of 12 minutes. 

Neurologist Brian Hexpert has been focusing his studies entirely on this phenomenon, especially its prominence among men ages 25 to 35 years.

“It used to be men remembering who won the Super Bowl the year they met their wife instead of where they first met her, but now this neurological issue has started to focus more on information specific to video games. These problems can evolve and change all the time, but the root cause is the same,” said Dr. Hexpert as he poked at a man’s exposed brain mid-operation. “You see, there is only so much room in the human brain, so it will often prioritize the most vital information like a photorealistic memory of the San Andreas Hot Coffee mod instead of useless things like what color your child’s eyes are or which woman in your house is your wife and which is your nanny.”

At press time, Hank Blubert had vowed to win his wife back the only way he knew how: hijacking a propeller plane and seeing how long he could fly it upside down without crashing.

New Safety Guidelines Advise Running Perpendicular to Godzilla

Posted on by Kyle Erf

WASHINGTON — The Federal Emergency Management Agency has released a new set of guidelines informing people of the most effective strategy to evade certain death in the case of an attack by Godzilla: running perpendicular to the giant lizard creature. 

“These new guidelines will help prevent many deaths, should The King of the Monsters ever wash ashore in the United States,” said Deanne Criswell, the administrator of FEMA. “If our simple, four-step process to determine which danger zone you are in is followed properly, we believe we could potentially minimize the damage this is sure to cause. Long story short, you want to move your body in a direction that naturally opposes the location of the creature. For example, if he is North of you, consider running in an East-West direction, and not in a parallel Southern direction, because he’ll just still torch you with his breath. Things like that.” 

The new guidelines garnered mixed reactions from citizens, with many questioning the need for such guidelines. 

“There’s nothing wrong with being prepared for a disaster, that’s not my problem,” said Walter Meyers, a local hardware store owner that felt he’d fare ‘just fine,’ in the event of a Godzilla attack. “But I just wonder if a dang Kaiju attack is the thing to prep for when we still have things like natural disasters occurring every year. If we have a Godzilla plan shouldn’t we also have a Dracula plan? Or a 50-foot-woman plan? This is absurd.” 

Still, despite the objections of many, others thought the measures could potentially save lives. 

“Honestly, that’s great information,” said Andrew Dodds, who studied and appreciated the new safety protocols. “I think if I saw Godzilla and I hadn’t heard of these new guidelines that insist you swiftly run away from the destructive path of Godzilla, I might, I don’t know, try to fight him or something. Or maybe get a bullhorn out and try to reason with the son of a bitch. I don’t know nothing about fighting no kaijus, I’m just a regular guy. But I do know how to run in directions perpendicular to things, so at least I’ll be okay in the event of a major attack like this.” 

As of press time, the United States continued to test nuclear weapons over the ocean, issuing a public statement on the matter insisting that nothing could possibly go wrong with the process.

The 6 Best Games of 2022 That We’re Pretending Could Beat Elden Ring for GOTY

Posted on by Minus World

We’re now at the midpoint of the year, which would usually mean it’s time to take stock of all the best games that have come out so far and make some early “game of the year” predictions. But let’s be honest: there’s no need to do that this year. You and I both know that Elden Ring is going to be our GOTY pick, just like every other gaming website. We could try to keep up the mystique so there’s a little tension when you click our inevitable end of year list, but who are we fooling?

That’s almost a shame, because there’ve been plenty of great games that have dropped in the first half of 2022 that have a 0% chance of nabbing a GOTY slot anywhere. Do you think Geoff Keighley is going to hand Gran Turismo 7 a Game Award come December? Fat chance unless Sony drops a DLC that lets you play as Radahn and his little horse.

For the sake of drama, let’s just take a moment to enter an alternate reality where Elden Ring doesn’t exist – a world in which you actually had time to play any other game. In that timeline, these would be the games that would be real GOTY contenders at this point in 2022. 

#6 — Horizon Forbidden West

Is there any video game series with worse timing than Sony’s Horizon franchise? When Horizon Zero Dawn launched in 2017, it was a revelatory open world game for one week … until The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild came out and ate its entire lunch. History has repeated itself five years later, as Horizon Forbidden West launched just a week before Elden Ring. I can’t wait to find out what generation defining VR game comes out a week after Horizon Call of the Mountain.

The thing is, Horizon Forbidden West is terrific. It’s a slickly produced open-world game that does everything it sets out to do extremely well. On a technical level, it’s probably a greater achievement than Elden Ring, which feels like three PS3 games in a trenchcoat trying to pretend it is tall enough to get on a rollercoaster. Should we talk about it very seriously come the end of the year? Yes. Would doing so just make our inevitable editor roundtable 20 minutes longer than it needs to be? Also yes.

#5 — Tunic

In any other year, Tunic would be the breed of left-field indie hit that a site like Polygon awards Game of the Year to while The Last of Us Part 2 doesn’t make the top 50. The fox-led adventure game is an ode to classic Zelda games filled with deep secrets.

You know what else is filled with deep secrets? Elden Ring, the game that is hurtling towards December list season like the asteroid in Armageddon. Do you think a nostalgic indie game with a cute animal hero can stop it? You think a game that kind of looks like Link’s Awakening has what it takes? Get real! Unless FromSoftware itself drops a straight up remake of the original Legend of Zelda, nothing can stop the inevitable.

#4 — Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge

Look at me. Look me straight in the eyes and tell me you think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge has a shot at game of the year. Say it like you mean it. Convince me that a very well-made throwback to the arcade beat-em-up era is going to be the game that sways the public’s collective mind, which was already made up in February.

Make no mistake, I’m with you. I would love to see Tribute Games’ pitch-perfect Turtles game get some love beyond its first few days on the market. It’s a lovingly crafted brawler that effectively modernizes a dated genre, making it feel the way you felt playing a game like Turtles in Time in the 90s. We’re just being realistic here. We’re probably going to play this co-op together for one evening, have a fun time, and then go back to Lyndell to spend hours fighting the worst optional boss you’ve ever encountered so we can get a summon we will straight up never use. And we’re going to say it was a transformative experience after, because we are being held hostage by FromSoftware.

#3 — Kirby and the Forgotten Land

Okay, if I’m being honest, Kirby and the Forgotten Land probably is the best game of the year. It’s an adorable adventure that players of all ages can enjoy, and it stands near the top of the mountain as one of the Nintendo Switch’s best games. Whether you’re a kid or an adult who just needs a soft brain game, Kirby checks way more boxes than Elden Ring.

So why isn’t it in contention? I don’t know. At this point, maybe we’re just scared of FromSoft fans. I mean, can you imagine what our Twitter replies would look like if we awarded Kirby GOTY? It would be full of people with Malenia avatars making the same “Ratio + Maidenless” joke. We’re not putting ourselves through that unless Microsoft hand mails us a copy of Fallout: New Vegas 2.

#2 — Neon White

Here’s another standout indie darling that we’d love to consider for GOTY in a world where the once in a generation video game Elden Ring simply did not exist. The slick fusion of shooting, platforming, and card-based action makes this one of the best titles Annapurna Interactive has published in years. I’m sure it thought it would finally have a chance at the big one this year back when everyone thought Elden Ring was slated for a holiday 2021 launch. Alas, we’ve got a room full of editors all itching to write that prestigious blurb.

Look, you should play Neon White. It’s a fast-paced action game that perfectly captures the thrill of speedrunning. Who cares if any of these games are Game of the Year worthy anyways? What does that even mean? Every game on this list is great and offers players a completely different experience. They do not need to be validated by an imaginary list created by a handful of Minus World writers who played like six games this year. We’re all just making shit up.

#1 — Diablo Immortal

Just kidding, sucker, pay us $100,000 to remove this entry.

Guy Who Found Sack of Cash in the Woods Recently Declares Diablo Immortal Game of the Year

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LANESBORO, Minn. — A local man who recently found a sack of cash in a small crashed plane in the woods has publicly stated that Diablo Immortal is the best game of this year, sources have confirmed. 

“No doubt about it, Diablo Immortal is everything a gamer like me, a guy that just found a sack of cash in the woods, is looking for,” said Gil Sanderson, the local gamer that found the money while out on a walk with his dog earlier this year. “I guess it must be drug money or something? I’m really not sure, but I’ve been unable to put this game down, and this sack of cash I found ensures I’ll never have to! Blizzard really nailed this one, I’m not quite sure what all the controversy is about.” 

Gamers everywhere criticized Peterson’s early game of the year pick for being tone deaf.

“Ugh, I’m so sick of hearing how good Diablo Immortal is and what PS5 games I ‘must buy,’” said Angie Sullivan, a local gamer. “I’ve got news for you, I haven’t been lucky enough to locate a PlayStation 5, and I have not found any sums of money in the woods lately that would make the end game of Diablo Immortal feel like less of a shakedown, okay? Hey, maybe someone can tell me something fun I can get on my Switch for 20 bucks? How about that?” 

Peterson’s wife was less concerned about his pick for 2022’s game of the year and more so the burlap sack filled with loose currency.  

“I’m glad he’s enjoying his game, really I am,” said Tonya Sanderson, Gil’s wife of 21 years. “But should I be worried about anyone coming to get us? The way he’s been throwing orbs and crests around, if these guys figure out where their money went missing, I bet they come looking for the lowly feed salesman who for some reason has $50,000 of legendary gems. Oh, this big bag of money is going to be the death of us, isn’t it?”

As of press time, Peterson was overheard insisting that you haven’t really seen Top Gun: Maverick unless you’ve seen it in an IMAX theater that you rented out for you and your dog. 

“I Am Definitely Going to Hit That Banana Peel,” Says Driver Who Is Definitely Going to Hit That Banana Peel

Posted on by Andy Holt

ROYAL RACEWAY — Mario Kart player Emma O’Neal is reportedly 100% certain to strike an upcoming banana peel despite seeing the obstacle from a mile away, knowing she’s heading right for it, and having plenty of time to react accordingly.

“Oh, yeah, I’m going to hit that thing. No question,” said O’Neal about the yellow speck she spotted across the lake, in the center of the usual trajectory she takes through that turn of Royal Raceway. “It’s going to ruin my race. I wish there was something I could do about it, but unfortunately, there isn’t. Them’s the breaks.”

O’Neal has reportedly gotten used to the pattern, in which she spots an obstacle in Mario Kart and inexplicably drives straight into it — but she gets no less angry when it happens.

“I’m going to hit that bullshit and spin out and it’s going to make me so pissed,” O’Neal said, beginning the power slide that would eventually end with her spinning out on the banana peel and losing her position in 1st place. “Fuck, this is going to suck.”

Elite players in the Mario Kart meta confirm this phenomenon, in which a racer gets so deeply into the rhythm of the race that there’s basically no way to overcome their muscle memory, resulting is an out-of-body type of experience in which the driver has full awareness that they are going to hit a dangerous item, but no ability to alter the outcome.

“If things were different — if the banana peel were off to the left, for instance — Ms. O’Neal could sail right past it. Off to the right? No problem. She could continue to drive without striking the banana peel,” said top-ranked Mario Kart player Endo Megumi. “But when the banana peel is in the middle, it is a different situation entirely. Ms. O’Neal is helpless to her fate. She will become both the observer and the observed, the judgment and the judged. It is, indeed, going to suck.”

O’Neal also reported a strong feeling that a lighting bolt was definitely going to fuck her over this race. At press time, she had been proven absolutely correct.

BREAKING: Apes Escaped

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

MONKEY PARK — Officials at the local Monkey Park Amusement Center were shocked this morning to discover that all of the apes had broken free from their habitats and escaped.

“It seemed like everything was perfectly normal this morning when I opened up. I looked in the cages to make sure the apes were there like I always do,” said Monkey Park Head of Security Alec Ewing. “But when I came back from getting a cup of coffee, the apes had escaped! I mean, there wasn’t a single ape anywhere!”

After making their escape, the apes proceeded to run rampant throughout the city, causing mass amounts of comic mischief and cartoon violence.

“I was minding my own business driving to work when, what do I see out the window, but an ape wearing a funny police light on his head running around!” said local construction worker Dylan Fitzgerald. “I said to my wife, I said, ‘There ain’t no way that ape is supposed to be there! It’s gotta have escaped from somewhere.”

Local authorities are urging the public to remain calm as they work to solve the farcical incident, though many are placing the blame squarely at the feet of the community’s resident Professor.

“When I invented the incredible Pipo Helmets that grant super-intelligence to anything that puts them on, I had no idea they could be used by apes as a means to escape,” said the Professor as they handed a real, working lightsaber to a 10-year-old boy. “My team is ready to retrieve these apes, safely and humanely, by shooting them with a slingshot and then catching them in a big net.”

At press time, Monkey Park officials were meeting with actor Seth Green to discuss plans to prevent any apes from escaping in the future.

Remote Worker Who Spends 10 Hours a Day on Discord Thinks Slack Is a Waste of Time

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

NEW YORK — Data analyst Jared van Hausen, known for averaging at least 10 hours a day on the social messaging program Discord, publicly voiced his dissenting opinion on the workplace messaging program Slack today in a lengthy post.

“It’s a waste of time. There I said it,” wrote van Hausen on his primary gaming Discord channel, where he also serves as admin. “What’s the big deal? I’m not gonna spend hours of my precious time engaging with my coworkers in a convoluted and structurally bullshit piece of software. I feel like such an idiot trying to navigate all these stupid channels and shit; I could be using that time to get actual work done.” 

Following his declaration, van Hausen rewrote and shared multiple variations of his opinion across several channels on his social, entertainment, and subreddit Discord groups, many of which Jared also moderates. Those close to the analyst noted this effort alone lasted around an hour.

“I can’t even understand what’s happening half the time because my coworkers are constantly talking over each other,” wrote van Hausen, while. “It’s like, uh…hello?? I’m trying to read the assignment in between the constant spamming. Can you give me a second? Wait, actually hold on, my favorite streamer just said something funny on his main channel, so we’re all posting the table flip emote lmao.”

Van Hausen also notably took issue with Slack’s business model and premium membership services during his rant, decrying the need to pay for specific features on the application.

“Why would anyone ever pay for Slack Pro? You want $8 a month just for me to have full access to a system of messaging channels?” demanded van Hausen, a Discord Nitro user. “At least my monthly Nitro membership allows me to make my own custom emojis. And sure, Slack has that too, and for free, but it’s not the same. I can’t post the ‘let’s fucking go’ emoji whenever a coworker shares a picture of their cat on the pet pic channel.” 

At press time, Jared had left his work team’s hour-long video call to play Apex Legends with his overseas girlfriend on a voice channel for five hours.

Old Man in Cave Unable to Give Link Sword Due to Supply Chain Issues

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

HYRULE — The mysterious old man near Link’s spawn location in Hyrule has been hit by the shortage in magical wood from The Lost Woods and can no longer give away wooden swords, sources indicate. 

“This recession, plus inflation, then the war over in Snowhead, the value of the rupee is plummeting and there’s a shortage in supplies. I can’t afford to just hand off the sword to this guy, even if he’s the hero of time,” The Old Man lamented. “It’s gotten so bad, the arrow guy hasn’t had arrows in stock for like months.”

Link, while attempting to journey into Hyrule unarmed, has stated he’s run into several similar issues along the way. 

“The tunic shop has no tunics, the bomb shop has no bombs, the Blue Ring’s price is so exorbitant I maxed out my bank account trying to buy it,” Link commented while wandering Death Mountain hoping a random Octorok would drop bombs. “I was just at the Bazaar for groceries and literally all they had was dubious food!”

The heroes of Hyrule are not the only ones hit by these hard times though, as Ganon has stated he is feeling the hurt as well.

“I went to make some Silver Arrows — you know, my only weakness, the one thing that can kill me — because I always like to leave some sitting around. Turns out silver is backordered for six weeks,” Ganon said while dropping keys in random rooms near locked doors. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just depressed, but I feel like what’s even the point of all this if I can’t build the magical thing that kills me and drop it a few rooms away, right?”

Though the supply chain issues have affected availability for most items, the Book of Magic in Temple 8 remains available and ready to be snagged if anyone ever wants to grab it ever.

Persona Fan Swears You’ll Like Hanging Out With Them Once You Make It Past the First 10 Hours

Posted on by Cam Gavinski

TOKYO — A fan of the Atlus JRPG series has assured his new acquaintance that he’s actually a lot of fun, despite the first 10 hours that suggest otherwise, sources say.

“I know the first 10 hours of being my friend can be a little jarring for some people. I have a lot of backstory, and if you don’t pay attention during the exposition, you’ll basically have no idea what’s going on for the rest of our friendship. But I promise it’s worth it,” said Quinn Barlowe, the Persona superfan in question. “I made a lot of people’s ‘Top 5 Best Friends to Hang Out With’ lists in 2017, so that’s gotta count for something, right? Come on, give me a chance.”

After grinding through a tedious, heavily scripted hang at a local boba shop with Barlowe, acquaintance Liam Francis reportedly hit his limit, deciding the friendship was too boring and just wasn’t worth it.

“I’m pretty sure we’ve hung out for more than 10 hours now, and basically nothing interesting has happened. I told him I’m going to switch to some other friendships for a while,” said Francis, who tried Barlowe out after hearing good things from some people whose taste he respected. “Quinn ended up begging me to invest 120 more hours in him, saying he promised I’d be obsessed with him after that. It was sad.”

Longtime friends came to Barlowe’s defense, claiming he was actually pretty great if you got to know him.

“Sure, he makes you read through menu after menu of different restaurants before deciding on a place to eat, but he dresses pretty dang stylish,” said Kylie Pratt, who got really into Barlowe in high school. “And yeah, he talks at you for probably 80% of the time you hang out, but occasionally you get to say something, which is actually pretty cool!”

Barlowe was last seen outside the boba shop, yelling after Francis that they could “just be casual friends” and didn’t have to be Maxed Out Confidants or anything.