RIP Spellbreak: The One Game I Was Sick At Because I Played It at 2am Against Tired Children and Bots

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Today is a dark day for all Breakers, which is apparently what we call the people who play the game Spellbreak, according to a message from the development team that was posted to their blog Wednesday. Why is it a dark day? Were they unable to find a legendary belt equipment piece to charge up with armor shards? No, no, it’s far worse than that. Unfortunately, the developers of Spellbreak have announced that they are shutting down the game for good in 2023.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ll break it down for you. Spellbreak was a free-to-play battle royale game that launched in 2020 where you could play as a wizard wielding two of six elemental powers (fire, earth, wind, lightning, ice, and poison). You chose one main element at the beginning of the game and then you could pick up a secondary element somewhere on the map, often combining the powers of your two elements to make unique obstacles for your opponents. Example: shoot a tornado and then light it on fire. Shoot a path of ice and then add electricity as it melts. Shoot a toxic cloud and then freeze it to make a big, useless, green thing.

Ahhh, noooo, a green thing. (Source: reddit)

In other words, Spellbreak was the second worst adaptation of Avatar: the Last Airbender after M. Night Shyamalan’s 2010 film.

Spellbreak may not have been the best game, but I had something like 100 hours in it, which is less than the diehards, but more than 99% of players, I really hope. What I loved about Spellbreak was that it made me feel like a god. Not just because I was a master of the elements, soaring through the air, raining bullets of ice and poison on my enemies, but also because it came out right at the beginning of the pandemic. I had just started as the first and only employee of Hard Drive and my sleep schedule was destroyed, so I played a ton of Spellbreak on the Switch with my friend when he got home from working a late shift at the hospital. Which means that we mostly played at 2 in the goddamn morning. And do you know who else is playing Spellbreak at 2 a.m. on a weeknight? Tired children and bots.

I’m not very good at battle royale video games. I have won maybe two games of Fortnite ever. I have never won a solo Fall Guys. Whenever I grab the helicopter in Warzone, I crash it into a building. But when my buddy and I played Spellbreak on the Nintendo Switch at 2 in the morning? It was rare that we lost a game. We were champions of whatever the fuck they called the obviously-trying-to-be-Fortnite battlegrounds of Spellbreak. (Looking it up now: it was called the Hollow Lands. Sure.) 

In Spellbreak, the max lobby size was 42 players. Our games usually launched with about 8. The bots in the game were dogshit, so it was really just a game of Seek and Destroy and we terrorized. It was a goddamn blast. It was a shining example of why a lot of people who are really good at video games hate skill-based-matchmaking — because it’s fun to be really good at something.

“Hey is this about some guy who’s podcast I listen to?” No, every Hard Drive article is about me.

But Spellbreak, very obviously, wasn’t perfect. The UI was incredibly clunky, the graphics were incredibly clunky, and the gameplay was incredibly clunky. The equipment upgrade system was annoying, turning the first 10 minutes of any game into a scavenger hunt for items that were just strictly better if they were a better rarity. The end-game was often extremely chaotic and laggy, too. A lot of times when I played the game, it would just crash and I had to unplug my Switch to get it to even turn off. 

Hell, nobody was even quite sure why the game launched with a battle royale mode other than the fact that it’s what every other game does. Spellbreak fans — sorry, I mean Breakers — were clamoring for some sort of team deathmatch mode since the minute the game launched. Maybe if the game didn’t feel like such a free-to-play mess from the start, more people would have checked it out longer than the game or two they tried when downloading the game the week it came out. There was also a bizarre battle pass that came out, eventually, with a lot of annoying voice acting yelling lore at you that you had to listen to over and over again.

The Spellbreak devs did eventually add other modes, but browsing the Reddit right now (I stopped playing the game sometime in 2021 because something else probably came out around then), it looks like they did a whole bunch of annoying shit like make the movement speed much slower and make the equipment pieces you find on the map stronger. Weird! Remember when I said the movement was the best part and the equipment was the worst part? It also sounds like the game still does not function, so that’s bad too, I suppose.

This is how the game looked when it wasn’t a blank white screen that made your controller really hot until you unplugged everything.

At the end of the day, I hope people remember Spellbreak as a really exciting idea that was executed not poorly but not well either. Battle royale games don’t have to just be people shooting at each other. These days, a battle royale game can be Tetris or Mario or Takeshi’s Castle But Cuter. And you know what? You don’t even have to make a battle royale game! Just making the max game size 42 people doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to actually get that many players. You might leave your biggest fans battling it out with six children and 30 dumb bots. 

Oh well. Maybe a fan will take the gameplay of Spellbreak, change some of the nonsensical words to other nonsensical words (Did fire need to be called Pyromancer? What if it was called Fire Guy?) and basically recreate the game but Actually Good. 

It won’t be me, though. I’ll be on the Switch ruining some kid’s life on the one night his parents let him stay up playing whatever the next free bullshit is.

Mega Man Battle Network: Legacy Collection Can Finally Put Competitive Players Out of Their Misery

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

Yesterday was a day of bouncing-off-the-walls, hooting-like-an-ape level of excitement in some small corners of the Internet as fans of the Mega Man Battle Network series celebrated something once thought to be as likely as the second coming of Christ — a remastered collection of all 10 titles to be released next year.

The announcement, first made during the most recent Nintendo Direct Mini, came as no surprise to us at Hard Drive as we predicted it almost a full year earlier. We’re not regularly referred to as the “Unparalleled Nostradamus of Gaming Journalism” for no reason. In fact, it’s kinda getting to our heads, and we’d prefer if you would all stop.

But this tremendous news poses a big question for the competitive community that arguably justifies the collection’s existence to begin with: will there be multiplayer? And will it eliminate the need for the current system? One that is mad fucked up and in no way user friendly to people that just wanna make their little robot guy in the Game Boy shoot lasers?

Shit man, I really hope so.

If you’re in the same sliver of an intersection as me in the Venn diagram of Really Really Into Battle Network and Doesn’t Know Dick All About Computers, we’re in a similar pickle here. The current method for competitive play consists of a tangled daisy chain of GBA emulators, some key ZIP folders, and some shit that connects players’ IPs? It’s a lot. You don’t have to be a genius, but you certainly need less rocks in your brain than me.

While it’s cool that the system allows “net battles” to literally take place over the Internet, it takes a great degree of finagling and is still far from perfect. It’s not uncommon for players with a less than stellar connection to be bounced out of every other match, which, by the way, are painstakingly set up by literally just DM’ing and pinging fellow server members. Most of which are probably strangers. It’s easier and less uncomfortable to set up a blind date.

That headache could finally end with the release of Mega Man Battle Network Legacy Collection if it implements a working online system that doesn’t take a college degree to figure out. Though that could finally put dedicated MMBN fans out of their misery, organizers in the competitive scene note that it could introduce some complications since everyone in the scene currently has stockholm syndrome.

“If multiplayer is implemented, we’ll have a divide,” said Salad, owner of the N1 Grand Prix Discord server, currently the most active hub for MMBN fans and competitors. “People would have to use their in-game saves VS the 100% completion saves we use in the N1GP. If you play on the collection, unless there was a way to easily access everything, it would be a very different game.”

“We just got rollback for most of the games using the Tango client recently, so it’s actually kind of hard to improve on the netcode quality from there,” Salad said. “Personally, I’d like to see it happen with people organically building their loadouts from what they have in-game. It would be interesting to see the metagame evolve, but as an RPG and card game it’s not very balanced to be on uneven terms.”

Salad went on to say that regardless of how player migration shakes out, it all means more limelight on this beloved series in the long run. Want to introduce your friends to the series without buying repro carts or installing emulators? Boom, here’s a Switch cartridge. Want to try and convince them for a second time that it’s not weird or complicated and is actually really fun when you get into the groove? Boom, here’s another Switch cartridge, don’t be so pushy this time. 

All in all, whatever traffic comes to the competitive scene and fan community alike as a result of Legacy Collection — will be a “net” positive. Net as in the Internet, like on the computer. It’s from the game. You’ll see when you play it.

Hasbro Announces New ‘My Little Pony’ Character Based on the Pale Horse Upon Which Death Rides

Posted on by Will Carnevale

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Hasbro has announced a new, darker direction for the My Little Pony franchise, revealing a new character inspired by the pale horse upon which Death rides.

“We’re so happy to introduce you all to Ashen Rose, the latest addition to the My Little Pony universe,” said Hasbro PR representative Damon Evans in a YouTube stream announcing My Little Pony: Ponypocalypse. “Ash, as we like to call her, is a plucky gal who loves friendship, adventure, and spreading murder, famine, and plague across Equestria.”

Hasbro later confirmed that Ashen Rose, a light gray earth pony with a ghostly mane, is based on the pale horse Death itself is prophesied to one day ride into battle. The company hopes to break into a new demographic with the change.

“We’re trying to hit the boys-under-38 market, and based on market research and just a general hunch, we assume girls like glitter, and boys like destruction,” said Hasbro marketing executive Trent Gilbert. “So, why not go with a character who ushers in the destruction of all things in an orgy of chaos and death?”

The announcement faced immediate criticism from members of the scripture fandom, who complained that Hasbro hadn’t studied the source material well enough to do it justice.

“I’ve cataloged all the errors in the My Little Pony YouTube presentation. Number one: Revelation clearly says Death rides a pale ‘horse,’ not a pale pony. Number two: Death does not spread ‘famine and plague’ — those are their own horsemen,” wrote r/restoretheKJVerse moderator edgel0rdnsavi0r, going on to list 32 more inaccuracies. “This phony-pocalypse is already proving why biblical adaptations should be left to true artists like Zack Snyder, who would never stoop to plastering misguided Christian symbolism onto branded characters like this.”

Rapper and podcaster Walter “Killah Priest” Reed, also known as Death of the hip-hop supergroup The HRSMN, confirmed that he and fellow Horsemen-turned-ponymen Kurupt, Ras Kass, and Canibus have been heavily involved in the writing of the Ponypocalypse theme song.

“My Little Pony, come ride with the homies… It’s the Ponypocalypse, and you’re watchin’ it. The pharaohs foresaw we next to godliness,” Reed rapped via remote interview with a pixelated Grim Reaper image in the background. “Or, not that. You know, we working it out.”

Leaked promotional images suggest that Hasbro plans to debut the next Ponypocalypse character — a blood-soaked alicorn with a scimitar-horned helmet and wings made of automatic rifles — during an upcoming G.I. Joe Fanstream.

Electrician Wiring Secret Lab Underneath Raccoon City Thinking This Might Not Be a Union Job

Posted on by Ben Friedman

RACCOON CITY — A journeyman electrician wiring numerous Umbrella facilities beneath the city is beginning to think this may not be a job his union is aware of, coworkers have confirmed.

“I didn’t think twice about working a gig for Umbrella when I saw the ad in the paper. I mean, a three-year contract at $50 an hour to install ceiling lights in research labs? Of course, that was before I started noticing the sheer magnitude of the work I’d be doing. I’ve only been doing this two weeks and I’ve already installed seven miles worth of wires beneath the hospital,” said Len Ellis, a member of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. “On top of that, some of these facilities are just plain confusing. I keep seeing all these schematics for areas like ‘combat simulators’ and ‘alligator containment facilities.’ I thought this was a pharmaceutical company?”

The project foreman assured his team that there was nothing to be concerned about, despite the mysterious nature of what they were building.

“Figures these guys get a sweet job and they immediately start bellyaching about long hours and how it’s ‘too dark’ and they ‘can hear screams in the distance.’ Umbrella has done so much for this city, and they have more money than some countries, so if my crew knows what’s good for them they’ll install whatever those nerds want,” said construction engineer William Thomas. “I mean, yeah, the number of observation tanks we’ve installed is a little off-putting, but if I were these guys, I’d be more concerned with the murders in the Arklay Mountains than why Umbrella needs multiple operating rooms in an underground greenhouse.”

Umbrella executives were adamant that the grandiose nature of the construction is for the benefit of mankind.

“We know a project of this magnitude can raise a lot of questions. After all, speculation is part of the scientific process. Umbrella is happy to answer any and all questions contractors may have regarding our state-of-the-art gene therapy research facility,” said lead architect Byron Smith. “These facilities will guarantee we can work with utmost secrecy to bring cutting edge biotechnology to the world. Additionally, we are happy to extend to those working on this project free healthcare and treatments, contingent on completion of the job, terms and conditions, and that they do not notify anyone of their whereabouts.”

As of press time, Ellis had refused to perform any more work until someone gives him a single legitimate reason that the sewer entrance doors need to be unlocked with chess pieces.

Nintendo Files Copyright Claim on Italy

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

KYOTO, Japan — Video game giant Nintendo has recently filed a copyright claim on the country of Italy, according to a company press conference. 

“It is after much deliberation and discussion that Nintendo has come to the conclusion that we will be filing a copyright claim against Italy,” Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa said during a pre-recorded address uploaded to the official company YouTube channel. “The clear instances of infringement, such as adding ‘-a’ to the end of words, growing mustaches, and eating mushrooms, that have been occurring within Italy have gone unchecked for too long. It is our job to protect the hard work of our staff and executives.”

Ian Wright, a member of a Nintendo fan community, stood by the company’s decision.

“Everyone likes to shit on Nintendo for being super litigious, but I’m all for it. IP theft is so common these days, and as an up-and-coming game designer myself, I personally say ‘good for them’ for protecting their assets,” Wright said, neglecting to mention he had yet to have a game published. “Italy has been pushing it for years. It’s time Nintendo got some sort of settlement from all of this. I’m sure their profits have taken a hit, and again, as a businessman and creative, I can totally relate to that fear,” Wright continued, looking around the room for validation.

Dominic Casciato, an 80-year-old resident of Milan, was quick to express his confusion.

“I’m just sitting here, having my morning espresso, yes?” Casciato began, using the aid of a translator and gesticulating excessively, “and I hear this company in Japan, they make video games for children and adults too attached to nostalgia, they try to say my country is infringing on their intellectual property. Ridiculous! I don’t even know what games this Nintendo makes. Is it the plumber man with the horrible accent? It is? He is an offensive caricature! You know what I tell these men — who make this joke called ‘Mario?’ Afanabla! There. You go give them a piece of Italy’s mind,” Casciato added, taking a long drag of a cigar and grimacing with disdain.

Furukawa ended his speech by outlining Nintendo’s intent to apply for a patent on denim overalls.

K.K. Slider Songs Ranked By How Easily I Could Sneak Them Onto a Party Playlist

Posted on by Minus World

Any Animal Crossing fan will tell you that K.K. Slider is one of the greatest songwriters of our time. The guitar-playing dog has a massive repertoire of songs that span just about every genre imaginable. He’s the modern Lil B, slinging out mixtape after mixtape. Not all of it is high quality, but the hits howl louder than the flops.

That said, your average music listener is likely too snooty to understand Mr. Slider’s immense talents. Play a few notes of his synthesized guitar and you’ll find yourself fighting off eyerolls from uncultured plebeians. The trick is always finding the Slider hits with crossover appeal – songs you could sneak onto a playlist, tell someone it’s a lost Crystal Castles track, and secretly convert them into a fan.

With that in mind, I’ve exhaustively listened to every single K.K. Slider song — both the live versions and the airchecks — to find the 10 songs you could convincingly sneak onto a party playlist if you hijack the aux cable. If these bops can’t convince your friends of Slider’s musical genius, nothing will.

#10 — K.K. House

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbrNbX-_GJQ

What you quickly learn when embarking on a project like this is that Slider’s Achllies’ heel is his high pitched synths. The biggest struggle with this one is its main synth line, which sits too high in the mix and sounds like an elevator muzak doodle. However, the beat underneath that is one of the most compelling body movers in his catalog. Steal the vocals from some forgotten J Lo song, toss it on top, and no one will know the difference.

#9 — K.K. Technopop

https://youtu.be/5MnmdM9aFJo

If you can get listeners past its cheesy intro, it really shouldn’t be that hard to convince people K.K. Technopop is some long lost LCD Soundsystem beat. The primary groove revolves around a minimalist electronic beat with a deep, squirmy baseline. The high pitched synth stabs really hurt its case though, so you’ll want to crank up the low end as much as possible to drown it out.

#8 — Steep Hill

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1Q-F5bEc2Y

Steep Hill basically sounds like a lost Gorillaz track with its moody chords and thumping bass. Perhaps that’s intentional, as its title certainly calls back to Up on Melancholy Hill. If you’re throwing a low key party in a hotboxed apartment, there’s a great chance you could really catch your stoned friends off guard with this emotional banger. That is, as long as they don’t start asking questions about Slider’s questionable synth choices.

#7 — Bubblegum K.K.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4UaSRDehvA

You really need to know your audience before trying to slip this one onto a playlist. Put it on at a party full of aging 30 year olds and you’ll get laughed out of the room. However, it’ll kill with the more internet savvy young crowd. Bubblegum K.K. is a favorite among fans and one of Slider’s most heavily remixed tracks. That’s thanks to its blissful bubblegum beat, which feels like K.K. knew TikTok was coming decades ago. That kind of forward thinking is what makes Slider’s work timeless.

#6 — K.K. Synth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtLFpgHp7jc

Once again, this is one for a special occasion. K.K. Synth is Slider’s most experimental work, built around stuttering synths that sound like they walked out of Radiohead’s Amnesiac sessions. While it’s not the liveliest track, it’s the perfect weapon to deploy against people who grew up on Pitchfork blogs and spend their time droning on about the latest Floating Points EP. Drop the line “Oh you haven’t heard of K.K. Slider?” and you’re golden.

#5 — K.K. Groove

https://youtu.be/_7cuFHg5tfM

For the top five, we’re going to need some songs with more general appeal. To that extent, K.K. Groove is an easy inclusion. The laid back groove is a bit of easy listening background music that you’d probably hear playing at any Florida tiki bar. The only challenge here is Slider’s use of brass, which is always the corniest tool in his bag, but it’s an undeniably catchy melody that’ll seep into your guests’ unsuspecting brains.

#4 — DJ K.K. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgM4b3pDXto

One of Slider’s best songs, DJ K.K. is built for the dance floor. It’s a fast-paced, bass driven jam loaded with catchy synth hooks. You may scoff at first listen, but honestly, what’s the difference between this and a Passion Pit instrumental?

#3 — K.K. D&B

https://youtu.be/FdXgEJqqb-8

The only downside of this song is its incredibly misleading title. I’m convinced that K.K. Slider has no fucking clue what Drum & Bass music is. After listening to it, I’m not even sure if I do anymore. But throw that gripe aside and you’ve got one of Slider’s “coolest” compositions. Atmospheric synths swirl around a deep central bassline before the entire thing breaks down with shredded electronics. You can get absolutely fucked up to this.

#2 — K.K. Disco

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yc_rRM5JHpo

Sometimes the best party jams are the easiest ones. K.K. Disco is totally low-hanging fruit, shamelessly gunning for 70s pastiche. But can you blame the dog when he does it this well? You’re telling me Bruno Mars can make an entire career off stuff like this, but Slider can’t. Ain’t no rule says a dog can’t produce disco, especially when the pup has such a powerful command of rhythm. 

#1 — K.K. Cruisin’ 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiR7JHrSHdA

I’ll be blunt: You can fuck to K.K. Cruisin’. And you should. This tribute to west coast hip-hop is the best song in Slider’s entire catalog, calling back to the heyday of Dr. Dre. Like those 90s hip-hop classics, Slider employs squelching synths and a soulful chord progression pulled straight from the G-Funk era. This is where Slider’s genius really shines. The dog isn’t just mimicking genres. He truly understands what makes them special. If you walk into a villager’s house and K.K. Cruisin’ is playing, you know what they’re K.K. Crusin’ for.

PRO PLAYER’S GUIDE: How to Get Sucked Into Your Steam Deck and Run Around Inside the Video Games

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey, gamers! The Steam Deck has been out for a few months now, and we’ve moved out of the “first impressions” phase and are fully into the “just what in the fuckin’ heck can this machine REALLY do?” phase, and let me tell you, modders and gamers are finding fun new discoveries every day. From emulating Switch titles to streaming from OBS, following the online Steam Deck community’s latest advances is one of the gaming narratives of the year. Today we’ll look at one of the latest tricks they’ve discovered; how to get zapped into your Steam Deck and run around inside of the video games you play! 

Now first, I will address the obvious elephant in the room and answer a question I’m certain many of you have: No, this is not like that terrible Saturday morning Captain N cartoon from the ‘80s. That was the plot of a fictional show about a boy getting sucked into his Nintendo. This is a Steam Deck, and it’s real life. Not some show for little kids.  

Anyway, you’re probably going to want to be connected to power when you suck yourself into the digital realm, as the whole process can be taxing on the Steam Deck’s already fickle battery. Additionally, you’re going to want to make sure you have at least 20GB or so of free memory on the device, as the process tends to include some temporary files; nothing too major, considering what we’re doing here. 

After that, you’ll want to upload your entire essence onto whichever platform you choose to use. I personally like DNAsquirrel, but any of them will work. (The paid version of BackYouUp is great, for example, but pricey!) Once you’ve answered the questions and dripped the required fluids into your computer, the digital copy of you will be created and downloaded. Remember where you save it, it’s very important! 

Next, open up Steam and get to the option that says “Add a non-Steam person to my Steam Library” and then set it to wherever you saved your exact digital copy of yourself a moment ago. Voila! You now have a version of you inside of Steam! 

(Note: You might have to change the filter from “Steam games,” to “All files,” if you’re unable to find your digital representation at first.)

Okay, now that you’ve been uploaded to your Steam library, there’s an outside chance you’re not coming back, so you’ll want to get your affairs in order. Fill out a will, feed the dog, whatever you think you should. This one is really up to the player. 

Now, if you’ve made everything right between you and the realm of the flesh, it’s time to hold the power button down for five seconds, until a series of reboot options appear. You’ll want to skip past “Sleep,” and “Restart,” and go all the way down to “Restart and Suck Me Into the Steam Deck.”  

(IMPORTANT: Before restarting and sucking yourself into the Steam Deck, make sure the room you are in is clean. Loose papers and all kinds of shit are gonna be flying around here in a second if not.)

Honestly, the Steam Deck kind of takes it from here. I watched my friend Don do this and it was crazy, and exactly what it sounds like. If you’ve followed the instructions, you’ll get sucked right into the screen, and from now on you are free to run around inside any of the (compatible) games in your Steam library. Congratulations. You did it. 

We’re not really sure exactly what it’s like in there or what happens when nobody’s playing the games, so you’re kind of on your own from here. I bet it’s fun. I’ve been using Don’s Steam Deck, and I swear I saw him in Yakuza 0 the other day, just walking down the street, living the simple life of a video game character. It might’ve just been some guy from Yakuza 0 though, I don’t know for sure. 

Brad Pitt Admits Sometimes He Thinks About Retiring From Acting to Play Old SEGA Games All Day

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — In a new eye-opening interview with GQ magazine, Oscar-winning actor Brad Pitt has admitted that he’s probably closer than ever to retiring and just playing old SEGA games all day. 

“I consider myself on my last leg, this last semester or trimester,” says Pitt in the piece, reflecting upon his career. “I’ve got a lot of gas left in the tank, no doubt about it, but there’s just a lot of old Genesis games I’ve not given their proper time over the years, and I think about that more and more. I’ve played Ristar, but I’ve never beaten it, you know? Comix Zone, Vectorman, shit like that. I’ll probably just pack it all in one day and go apeshit on eBay buying old SEGA games and finally work on this backlog that’s been plaguing me since I made Interview With the Vampire.” 

Many who have worked with Pitt said he’s truly one of a kind among his generation of thespians. 

“He’s the last movie star we have, no doubt about it,” said Quentin Tarantino, who’s collaborated with Pitt on two of his films. “I was just in awe of him when we did Inglorious Basterds. The way he’d come out of his trailer and just absolutely light up the set, and then be a total professional  and knock it out of the park, and then announce to everyone he’s going to go play Gain Ground in his trailer until he’s needed again. He’s just a force of nature. You just don’t see guys like that anymore.” 

Many fans were shocked to find out Pitt was thinking of cutting his career short to play old SEGA games.  

“Wow, a guy like Brad Pitt could do anything he wanted to do, but he just wants to play old SEGA games?” asked Laura Woods, a longtime fan of Pitt’s. “Not what I would’ve guessed, but I get it. He’s famous, sure, but he’s had as stressful a life as anyone else. Would probably feel good to stop worrying about how his latest movie is performing and just get into the old Phantasy Star games or something. Honestly, good for him.” 

As of press time, Pitt had publicly hinted that he’d be a lot less likely to retire if there were a “cool part” in Sonic 3 for him.

Game With Dialogue Wheel Adds ‘Damn That’s Crazy’ Option

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

EDMONTON, Calif. — A recent update for the beloved action role-playing series Gravity Warp has added a dedicated “Damn, that’s crazy” option to all dialogue wheels, sources have confirmed.

“This has been a long-requested feature. We know gamers want a simpler way to ignore vast amounts of boring in-game dialogue as quickly as possible,” said Lenny Perkins, project director at Canadian developer Soundwave Studios. “Thinking about how your character would respond is a lot of work! This takes the guessing, and effort, out of that process.”

Developers explained that this update will affect all six mainline Gravity Warp games as well as two spinoff titles, Gravity Warp: Origins and Gravity Warp: Zero.

“When we first released the games, we assumed players would be interested in all the backstory and lore our characters were telling them. Clearly, we were wrong. Now, we understand the value of having one permanent button to encourage players to pay as little attention as possible,” said lead writer Linda Crespo. “Our fans are vocal and we want them to know we’re listening. This is our way of saying ‘Damn, that’s crazy’ back to the community.”

Within the Gravity Warp fandom, gamers have expressed overwhelming excitement regarding the change with many seeing this as a huge step in the right direction.

“It’s nice to see developers finally listen to us fans. I can’t wait to say ‘Damn, that’s crazy’ to all my favorite characters like I would with my real-life friends,” said Lucas Gerth, a self-proclaimed superfan who has long demanded this feature. “I hope we continue getting more content like this with options like ‘yeah for sure,’ ‘wow,’ and ‘that’s so funny’ coming out in the near future.”

The development team behind Gravity Warp also announced a remastered collection of the entire series, with confirmation that the new dialogue wheel will be mandatory.

 

Call Your Local John Cena and Demand He Ask Nintendo to Make a New F-Zero

Posted on by Minus World

For decades, Nintendo fans have used their voices to try and get a slew of beloved IP revived. It’s been a futile effort, mostly falling on Nintendo’s deaf ears. But it turns out there’s been a secret to getting Nintendo to listen to its fanbase all along…someone who has been invisible to us all this time…and his name is John Cena. 

On Sunday, Giant Bomb Creative Director Dan Ryckert took to Twitter to share an anecdote about Big Match John, accompanied by a now iconic photo of Cena playing Switch. “During this photo shoot in 2017, Cena repeatedly told the Nintendo reps how much he wanted a new 2D Metroid,” Ryckert tweets. “When Metroid Dread came out years later, he was sent a copy. Cena’s people sent an email back saying ‘John loves it.’”

The off-hand story is a monumental moment for Nintendo fans. While commoners have no influence over the company, John Cena is no man. He’s a 16-time WWE World Champion, one who could absolutely flatten Doug Bowser with an avalanche Attitude Adjustment from the top rope. It makes perfect sense that Nintendo would have rushed to avoid getting hit by the five moves of doom by making Metroid Dread following his request (if you ruin this fantasy by pointing out how the success of Metroid: Samus Returns mostly contributed to the series’ return, I’ve got as five knuckle shuffle with your name on it).

In moments like this, we need direct action. So we’re calling on you, Minus World readers, to make your voice heard. How? By telling John Cena that he should ask Nintendo for a new F-Zero next.

It’s been nearly 20 years since the last F-Zero game was released. Nintendo’s fast-paced, futuristic racing series seems to have been scrapped so Mario could monopolize the Nintendo racing game scene. The idea of getting a new game has long been more hopeless than the prospect of getting a Mother 3 port (and that’s saying something), but the Doctor of Thuganomics might be able to change that. Who better to bring a game back from the brink of death than the superstar who’s famous for getting his ass beat for 20-minutes and then miraculously making a comeback with a pair of flying shoulder blocks?

As far as I’m concerned, John Cena is now our own personal video game ambassador. Just as you should write to your senator to demand action on social issues, we should all ask Cena to flex his executive muscle to bring back F-Zero. Perhaps he can be swayed if we suggest that he could play Captain Falcon in a movie adaptation. Maybe Nintendo could even cast Brock Lesnar as Samurai Goroh and let Cena finally get revenge for his Summerslam 2014 squash loss.

However you go about reaching out to Cena, whether it be by a friendly tweet or Instagram comment, this is the best chance we have. No longer can Nintendo pretend they can’t see us. They won’t silence our voices by locking us in the STF. They’ll never catch us in the next man’s sweater.

The time is now, John.